Bipolar check-in #56

Well I have no real advice that wont get me banned here...

I think the only thing to do is hope that tomorrow the idiot will be struck with the need to stay home in the bathroom for 48 hours !

Oh and you need a voodoo doll asap

I sure do hope that things improve quickly no one deserves to be treated that way!

Many

Well I have an appt on the 14th to have Gus fixed. Our vet charges 90.00

I contacted our local spca and they have a program to help with cost. So he is set up for the 15th. Will be 40.00 Its a vet that is just over and hour away and that is fine. I am very grateful for the financial help to get this done. My Daughter will be here the 12th and she said "Oh I am so happy to see him before and after" LOL shes hilarious.

Well I "think" I broke the frozen shoulder loose. Basically I laid in bed I have a heavy steel head board so I grabbed on tight and jerked my shoulder over and over very hard Oh damn it hurt but I heard a pop like I did the last time while using headboard.. Im in lots of pain but I should know tomorrow if its helped. First time my Doctor send me for PT , twice a week and it was going to cost almost 30.00 each session. So no way that could happen, Unless we ate just ate ice cubes for a month.

Hugs an cookies to anyone in need

Mini nightmares continue for both my husband and me. The document we urgently needed from my sister is still being held up, because she put jewelry in with it. I had to ask her to write a statement of declaration of purpose for the jewelry to be sent to the Czech customs. Hopefully that will finally get the sucker sent to us. I will emphasize that any future gifts she buys for me should either be given to me in person when I visit the US, or bought online through a company based in an EU country (that excludes the UK, obviously, thanks to Brexit). At this point, I'm so frustrated about the delay of the documents that I wish they could just throw the jewelry in the trash and send the rest. That's obviously not possible.

In a few minutes we have to go back to the ministry of interior, in person, to try to fix the snafu relating to the Czechification of my name. I might have mentioned that when I applied for various things through the government, they insisted my name be exactly as it is in my passport, which makes sense. But then some swift clerical person in Prague ignored my exact name, giving me my childhood middle name (when I use my maiden name as a middle name), and adding "ova" to my married name. That just doesn't wash. That's like renaming a woman "Jane Elizabeth Novakova" when your passport shows "Jane Jones Novak". Anyway, huge hassles, but it will eventually be fixed. I'm not exactly going to travel to the US to totally change my name, social security card, and passport for the error of some shmuck.

@Soupe du jour...I don't know if it was in the New York TImes or Washington Post, but I read an article that said they're changing that law in the Czech Republic so women could retain their own names. Good luck fighting with the bureaucrats!

@~Christina...As long as you're getting Gus fixed, have you considered getting him chipped at the same time? That way, if he should ever get lost they will be able to track you down.

@wildflowerchild25 and @Sapien...You're both going through rough stretches right now. Just remember that "bipolar" means "two poles." Things are bound to change eventually.

As for me, despite that one night when I have 5 hours sleep, I'm still getting 3-4 hours. My pdoc wants to see me this morning. I called yesterday just to check in, but I don't know what more he can do. I think he just wants to milk me for another paid visit! I'm taking 200mg of Trazodone & 1mg of Klonopin at night, which sends me into the land of sleep. I just can't stay there! I've been waking up at 3-4 in the morning. No of hypo, or mania...Just a general lack of sleep.

So I had been leaning in this hypermanic mode - sleep has been terrible and I just seem figidity and restless, not really eating, having trouble focusing and being a bit rambly... nothing extreme by any means.
I thought it best to reach out to my pdoc and she said that she wasnt sure my sticking with her was best that she couldnt see me until next week and ideally I should have a check-in. She thinks I need someone that has more availability to see me more frequently while adjustments are made to my medications...
It brought my mood entirely down. I searched for over hour looking at psychiatrist after psychiatrist trying to find one with appointments, near public transportation and that took my insurance. I was striking out and panicked. My pdoc, for whatever reason, made me feel the most comfortable i've felt with a mental health specialist. I really want to stick with her. She wrote me back again that we should still meet next week and discuss further.
I did some sudoku puzzles which really seem to calm me down, help me focus and bring me back.
I tried some sleep meditation but it still didnt work. This morning I feel calmer and a bit more normal. I have my therapist tonight so my anxiety is a bit high. But I'm hoping I can talk some things out with my therapist and discuss if i should really continue the search for a new pdoc...

I hope everyone has a happy hump day

I did a really stupid thing. So, woke up screaming in the wee hours of the morning, couldn't get back to sleep despite feeling very tired, then reasonable hours come and I say "screw it, I need to get my run in before it's too hot," so I had one of my mom's energy drinks. Yeah, got through my run and a small core workout after, but I feel WIRED. I've also tried maybe five freakin times to take my meds but I keep getting distracted. I will take the meds... the meds that make me vomit and **** uncontrollably and lose my hair and make my skin break out and don't help.... yeah, those meds. We're getting our furnace cleaned today too so yay for strangers coming in the building (not). My cat wants me to stop typing, haha, gotta llisten.

edit: I just got punched in the fourth dimension andI saw it but I didn't really feel it. Woohoo super powers!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I’ve been trying to get my Klonopin filled since Friday which means I haven’t had it since Thursday. I’m on a high dosage. It’s enough that the withdrawal symptoms bite hard. I found out tonight that the pharmacy is giving lots of COVID vaccines and can’t keep up with their regular duties. I’m glad that folks in my area are getting vaccinated (really glad) and yet I don’t think their regular duties should slide. Hopefully, I’ll get it tomorrow. I hope everyone has a peaceful night and a peaceful day tomorrow. Hugs to all

That's downright dangerous. I am up to my ears with medical facilities claiming that covid is "slowing things down." If that's the case, hire more people to do the work!

Quote:

Originally Posted by peachiee23 So I had been leaning in this hypermanic mode - sleep has been terrible and I just seem figidity and restless, not really eating, having trouble focusing and being a bit rambly... nothing extreme by any means. I thought it best to reach out to my pdoc and she said that she wasnt sure my sticking with her was best that she couldnt see me until next week and ideally I should have a check-in. She thinks I need someone that has more availability to see me more frequently while adjustments are made to my medications... It brought my mood entirely down. I searched for over hour looking at psychiatrist after psychiatrist trying to find one with appointments, near public transportation and that took my insurance. I was striking out and panicked. My pdoc, for whatever reason, made me feel the most comfortable i've felt with a mental health specialist. I really want to stick with her. She wrote me back again that we should still meet next week and discuss further. I did some sudoku puzzles which really seem to calm me down, help me focus and bring me back. I tried some sleep meditation but it still didnt work. This morning I feel calmer and a bit more normal. I have my therapist tonight so my anxiety is a bit high. But I'm hoping I can talk some things out with my therapist and discuss if i should really continue the search for a new pdoc... I hope everyone has a happy hump day

Well, that's a major letdown, it seems (your pdoc). Her suggestion kind-of leaves you out in the cold.

Whew, the past 2 mornings I've awakened too early and am unable to fall back to sleep. I don't do well at all on lack of sleep. It's the anxiety that's causing this. My therapist was out sick last week and is out again this week. She's left messages for me with her receptionist, so I know she's really sick. Nevertheless, I feel like telling her to go to hell. Every few weeks she's sick and misses several appointments. And when my anxiety is been as severe as it has been, therapy doesn't help, anyway.

I'm getting my hair done today and adore spending time with my stylist, who is a real character. Rocker chick. So I'm up about that. And the weather is stunning! A sweet 75 degrees today!

all around~

@buddha1too

I appreciate your kindness. That is what I keep telling myself right now. It will pass. It always does. In the meantime I just have to keep myself safe and continue doing small things around the house so I can avoid feeling like a complete waste of space.

I am very depressed again today. Having lots of self harm thoughts and some SI thrown in for good measure. Every time it pops into my head though I remind myself that it would only shift my problems to the people I love most dearly. It wouldn’t be fair for me to be at peace and everyone else’s lives completely ruined. My son would probably end up killing himself when he’s older if he even makes it that far. RS would be crushed and I don’t think he’d ever recover. My brother would drink himself to death. Everyone else can go to hell, I don’t care about them, but those three, my boys, I just couldn’t do that to them.

My therapist was running process group when I checked in about how I was feeling. The group ended up being about grief and though I lost my first husband suddenly I didn’t feel I could relate because he was my abuser and I really just want to kick him in the face. I don’t miss him. I’m sure someday I will let go of the anger and maybe, MAYBE miss him again. But not now.

My therapist who was running the group called my name like she wanted to talk to me real quick but I had already hit the end call button so I left before I could undo it. I have my individual session with her anyway. I have to be very careful with what I say because she always rats me out to RS. He can handle my self harm thoughts but he won’t be able to handle SI. But I tell you this, I will NOT go back to the hospital unless I am handcuffed and committed. That’s a hard no from me.

I don’t think I can handle dinner today so I’m going to ask RS to order a pizza. The only thing that really needs to be done around the house is cleaning the litter boxes but damn I just remembered I never got litter when I was out.

Yeah... I made an appointment with someone else in the practice - just so I have a back-up option, should the conversation Tuesday determine I need someone else.

Fingers crossed that I feel comfortable with this person!

I'm sorry to hear about your therapist - they say schedule is so important but then to have the routine messed up so often is really not helpful.

Enjoy getting your hair done - that's always a nice treat

Things have been kind of rough today. I woke up lightheaded and dizzy. I got a lemonade and an avocado toast from Dunkin Donuts thinking the sugar and carbs would help. But it didn’t. I took my blood pressure and it was a bit high so I took a Xanax. That helped with my anxiety. But I had therapy today and I felt like she was being a bit weird. Like kinda judging me. She said I was giving a lot more eye contact with her and my body language with her was a lot better then it had been before. My mom says it was a compliment but the way she was complimenting me by demonstrating how I talked and was sitting before, just made it seem like she was making fun of me. Even though that was probably not her intention. I had my giant binder/bandage thing on and I was self conscious. I got out of there and realized I had barely eaten all day and it was later in the afternoon. So I got some pasta which I’m not too hungry for. I took some Advil and I’m lying in bed with my blankets and my pillows. My surgeon still hasn’t video chatted me yet and I’m starting to get a bit concerned since my mom will be at a wedding all weekend and honestly I think I’ll feel a ton better both mentally and physically when I can take my bandage off.

But today I just feel weird, mostly mentally, and I felt this way before and after therapy. So I’m not sure my therapist is the direct cause of things. Although she didn’t really make things any better.

Aye aye aye it’s hot out. The sun bearing down and humid! It’s the humidity I can’t handle. Had to take toxic stuff to the recycling center. Go to the library and pick up my latuda, I don’t know what up with that! Suddenly two months ago they switched it to one month instead of ninety days. Then they didn’t auto fill and send me a reminder so I ran out! I think I’ve got that straightened out now. Then I had to go to the grocery store pick up mum’s meds and a few things. Fortunately none of the individual stops were long so the car didn’t get a chance to really heat up. I’m worried about the ambien, tho. New doctor and the prescription had to be called in. My old doc gave me several refills so it wasn’t a monthly hassle.

Tomorrow I go for my PT evaluation. I hope they can help.

There's an eclipse tomorrow and if you're on the northeastern u.s. you'll be able to see it at sunrise. I'm planning on viewing it at 7am which is after the point of totality but that's ok. Hopefully it won't be cloudy.

The eclipse is visible from Europe too, around 1 pm if I have my time conversion right.

I'm still feeling low but I'm getting by. I'm finding ways to try to save some money to try a couple of ketamine infusions that cost 1,250 per session.

My stove is broken, it has just one burner working. I'm shopping around for a gas stove but we need to get a gas line put in first - we're getting that done next week.

I called my surgeons office and explained about the pain and the nausea. The receptionist said he’d call back. He called back about 15 minutes later. He said that even just a few pain pills can cause nausea. He said to stop them completely and switch to Advil. He told me to take off my bandage and take a warm shower and he’d do a video chat with me on Friday. So my mom took my bandage off and things look pretty good. I’m pretty swollen and bruised but it looks way better then it did before. The pain is still there especially where it’s all swollen. But at least I was able to take it off and shower. I’m wearing my moms giant pink striped pajamas but they are pretty comfortable.

I'm stressed. I'm getting SH/purging thoughts my T would say they're trying to protect me. That I need to ground myself. Can you get SH thoughts without being depressed? I feel like I want to cry but can't. I don't know what's going on.

Last night I had a bad migraine. Very painful to the point where the Imitrex didn't help and I ended up throwing up so much that I had a hard time breathing. Then this evening another migraine started up and I took the med a lot sooner and at the higher dose to start out and after 1.5 hours, the pain finally went away. Yay!

I washed my clothes today and took a shower. I also washed my sheets so now it's 8:00 and I'm in bed. Going to read soon. I'm so glad tonight's migraine went away relatively easily compared to last night's. I'm going to go read. Oh and I weighed myself today at home and it said I weighed 8 pounds more than I did two nights ago at my friend's house. How can two scales be that far off from each other?

Imatrex never helped me. I can’t remember what they gave me but it was an injectable then later there was a pill form but I was limited to 9 pills a month. But it worked. Then when I went though menopause my migraines stopped.

Ahhhh so sorry that the letters have no arrived. it is such an ordeal when something has to go through customs. When I have sent something to my dear friend in Cape Town South Africa she will get cards in a couple weeks but any gifts I have sent take 6-8 weeks

I hope you can get the whole name mess sorted out sooner rather than later.. what a huge hassle

Hey Budda

I am so sorry that your sleep is pure garbage, I understand the struggle. Trazodone didnt even give me an extended blink finally we tried Doxipen.. It did help a little bit. Not alot but hey anything is better than none. I can still go days with no sleep often.. but maybe something to try???

We do want to get Gus microchipped. Our vets office charges 120.00 Its
so Bizarre to me .. For shots they are less than 75.00 a year and they do a rabies clinic in April for 10.00 only no OV needed. But for anything else they charge sooooo much, I know its lower cost shots to get in the door then the charges for anything are really high end for this small farming town.. Most people here just do rabies shots for there working dogs. I am on many Facebook pages of a zillion Vets and organizations to watch for cheaper Chips.. prior to Covid numerous places up in the Nashville area offered
them for $20-25 on a certain date. Covid stopped all that stuff. Hopefully they will start doing them soon.

I really hope you find something that can offer you a bit longer sleep each night

Hey

Im brain zapping but if you are in the USA a medical provider ( pdoc) has to continue to provide medication refills and appts if need be for at least 30 days while you try to find some one new. T's also have to follow that guideline also.

I hope your session with your T was helpful

Oh goodness ! busy busy day !! and in the heat and humidity

Hopefully the new provider can do 90 days. I see no reason why not? its not a scheduled med. I have numerous meds that I can do 90 days. But some like Xanax, Lyrica is a stupid asp 30 days only..

Hope tomorrow is a cooler day!

I sure hope you are done with Migraines for a Long time They are awful !

Well I’m back on lamictal, 25mg for 2 weeks, then 50mg, you know the drill. This past year brought me to my knees. I willingly became an essential employee during the pandemic . I’m done fighting my bipolar 2 diagnosis. The stress of this past year has caused a relapse of my bipolar symptoms . I was keeping it under control . How humbling.

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