Bipolar check-in #56

@wildflowerchild25, I hope the Seroquel XR serves you very well. I won't say it's a perfect med, but it has surely been the best of the lot for me. What I can say about it, that I can't say about others I've taken, is that it is helpful for nearly every issue (depression, hypomania/mania, mixed states, anxiety, and sleep issues). Of the antipsychotics, it's also about the friendliest for me (no hyperprolactinemia, no akathisia, no other EPS, and less weight unfriendly than some others). It was initially a bit sedating for me, but that eased significantly over time. It is likely⁹ a partial culprit in elevating my cholesterol and maybe blood pressure, etc. But those issues can be fought with proper exercise (which you seem to be getting), diet (which I recall you knowing what's healthful), and at worst, medications. Plus, you're younger than me, which helps. So again, all the best.

That's great that you are working closely to find healthy coping tools. If you choose the pillow, go for an extra cozy one. You're worth it, wild flower lady!

@rose1985, I'm sorry to read about your struggles with your son's illness...and his own struggles. I thought I'd mention that you're situation is shared with some others. I once had a friendly online pal on another bipolar forum site that had a similar situation as yours. She has bipolar disorder and had to send her son to live with his father because her son beat her often. Like your son, hers has a mental illness that contributes to the behavior. It is sad how such illnesses manifest in such ways. I'm sure you are a loving mom and that both sons love their parents. I am sending well wishes that proper treatment and therapy will make a huge difference. So often patience is required.

I've really been freaking out a lot over my frustrations. My husband keeps telling me that it's only harming matters and even stressing him out, which is clearly true. The frustrations are also showing themselves in various ways, including overeating and teeth clenching, but the anxious fury is the worst. If it persists or worsens even more, I may need more Seroquel XR, at least in prn form. I can add that extra amount to the morning dose I'm taking. But really, practice of more coping skills is also in order.

When this extreme agitation worsens, I also tend to obsess about the frustrations. That quickens a spiral of unwellness.

I asserted myself with my best friend yesterday. It was time, it was an issue she's been unreasonable about for a while and talking nonsense to others about it and casting their doubt on me.

So i wrote her a long text firmly but diplomatically correcting her and she persisted in it when i saw her IRL but i stood my ground and provided even more facts and another friend who i am chronically at odds with astonishingly TOOK MY SIDE!!!!!

Finally my best friend capitulated!!! After it was over i asked if we were still friends and she just scoffed and said it takes a lot more than a minor disagreement to bother her. So it's nice that she's so sturdy and willing to listen to reason and hopefully she will stop talking smack about me around the building.

It was an issue to do with what is the best email app and since we both do tech support for our neighbors it's important that she be up-to-date on the current state-of-the-art.

It was hard to assert myself like that but i just had it with her giving out bad advice and screwing things up for my neighbors. I felt some sort of responsibility to them to correct her.

It went okay, by the end of the discussion she was saying she saw my point and finally understood my position and understood that i'm trying to save people money with my method and she can't deny the value of that.

Plus, i'm providing them with a more intuitive computer experience which is important because they're mostly seniors and not computer savvy and just an all-around better solution for escaping the ISP monopolies that are currently consolidating to drive up telecommunication prices.

So that has finally been dealt with after several years of her misleading everyone. She's a "Super Computer User" like me but i have a background in computer programming and once you've CREATED software you have a keen eye for the best apps.

I've also have experience with the superior Apple interface whereas she is just an old DOS user and doesn't know things like the difference between a character-cell interface and a true GUI (Graphical User Interface), pronounced 'gooey.'

So that was hard, but i did it and our friendship survived, so it was a good experience for me. The third friend backing me up really sealed the deal, i think. What an astonishing turn of events that was, she and i are always at odds. So maybe there's hope we can mend fences there too!!!

@Scooter9 and all:

What a fantastic photo, thanks for sharing, i live in Ontario too.

@buddha1too and all:

The video was amusing, thanks for sharing.

@Soupe du jour and all:

I understand your frustration with all the red tape. There's not much you can do tho, but keep jumping thru the hoops. It'll all sort itself out soon and you'll be able to forget about it. Just try and strive for equanimity for the sake of your health. Easier said than done, i know. I went thru a whole fiasco with my ID a couple years ago and my bank account was inaccessible and i had to live off my credit card and was so afraid it would be compromised and i would be penniless that i took out thousands in cash advances and hid them around my home. But it all got worked out and the government came thru for me in two weeks, instead of the six they had threatened and it's been smooth sailing ever since. Things will work out eventually!

Hugs to all!

Jane.

Thank you soupe for your kind and understanding support!

Yes we are very close. I hope I didn't come off cold about him but right now I'm trying to set some boundaries with him. We talked Wednesday night and he kept calling me the c word bc I wont let him have an overnight visit right now. It is difficult. And I contributed bc I let it get so bad. But I felt so trapped. His father abandoned him when he had his first psychotic break when he was 19. He was never really a father to him and hes a qanon believer! He doesn't believe in meds so it's best hes not in his life, it would just confuse my son. His dad has a master's degree in IT! But he is a trump supporter through and through. I'm very progressive.

Oh the help there, dont even get me started! They try but they are overworked and underpaid. I've come at odds with his team a couple times now. It's too complicated to go into here but there have been many nights I can't sleep and I'm just worried sick! I love him dearly.

Hopefully next Wednesday we will have a team meeting again. 2 of my sisters will go too. I'm waiting for his case manager to get back to me regarding that.

It is absolute torture knowing he feels so alone. I make suggestions and he shoots them down. He says the only thing that brings him hope is if he can come back to live with me. I'm not willing to go through those last two years. He really hasn't changed and I know it will just go back to how it was. Maybe not right away but it would.

Once again, thank you for your support! I really appreciate it. You are very kind!

I'm really sorry soupe! I've been keeping up on here on and off and I have read about your frustration regarding the paperwork you need. I'm sorry its so difficult right now. I hope you get soon.

For 4,000 years since yesterday there is a bean known as the world, and it hosts us, and I have to admit there aren't much words but the words that keep flowing at re the reason I'm here to explain that there is nothing wrong exxcept when Bean is mean. I know there are reasons, and hopefully I'll get the Vraylar today, but should I take it? No, the natural state of flowing makes the dinosaurs extinct and that's why we're here, not vraylar, not risperdal,, but I can't stop the risperdal freakin....ooh, I just got an idea!
cat emergency

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I am still very depressed today but I have a little hope because a dr FINALLY listened to me and started me on seroquel xr. She’s taking me off of lithium as well since it’s a big pile of useless. I had my individual session with my therapist today. I did tell her that the one year old’s birthday party I went to on Saturday may have triggered me. I do not like babies. My main trauma happened when my son was a newborn and beyond that he was such a difficult baby that I just hate being reminded of it. He always cried, he rarely slept, I had to hold him 24/7. It was terrible. It got a little better once I learned how to swaddle but seriously not much. And all his father did was tell me everything I was doing wrong. We also discussed some of my other recent behaviors and triggers. She asked why my weighted blanket makes me feel safe and I said because I’m weighed down and it’s gonna take extra effort for someone to try to get it off and hurt me. But I can’t use it right now because it’s just been so hot. So she said to find another safety object to use for the summer. She suggested a pillow, something I could hug. So I’m going out this weekend in search of a safety object. I forced myself out of the house to the gym today. Rode the bike for 30 minutes. I also forced myself to walk to pick up my son from school. When RS came home we went for a nice dinner at a restaurant with outdoor seating on the River. It was gorgeous out, a wonderful evening for eating outdoors. Thing is as soon as I have nothing to distract myself I’m just so physical uncomfortable. Like I feel like my skin is crawling and I have to rip it off. God I’m hoping the med change works.

The med change is excellent. Here's to hoping it works!

I was thinking of going out to breakfast today. I was on my way before I changed my mind. I got full off $10 of fast food breakfast instead. I also went looking for the new Mountain Dews. I found them at a Walmart. The Pepsi guy was there, I think he had just stocked them since they weren't there yesterday. They had 2 of each flavor. I grabbed one of each of the 2 new ones. There are 4 that just came out but they have released 2 of them before. I just wanted the brand new flavors. Now I’m at home and I’m just waiting for my surgeon to do a FaceTime with me. Im still swollen and very bruised but things look good and I’m not in much pain anymore.

My anxiety got kind of sucky this afternoon. I took a couple Xanax and I’m feeling better. I’m freezing grapes and cherries for snacks/dessert. They are in the freezer now on a baking tray and then I will repackage them once they are frozen. My therapist was actually the one who told me about frozen grapes and cherries.

I’m trying to eat healthy especially since my surgery was so successful. I feel a lot more motivated to get into shape and eat better now that my self esteem is better.

My mom made noodles for this weekend and opened the can of roast beef I got the other day and put it in a microwave container. I’ll have beef and noodles for a few nights along with the cherries and grapes. I also have a small canned ham and several packages of frozen vegetables. Plus cereal flavored oatmeal and soup and my leftover funeral potato’s from last night. I meal prepped a lot these last couple days. I should be good. I wish I had some quinoa and bananas though but I have a carton of iced coffee and a couple cartons of diet sweet tea so I won’t have to go out for coffee. I also have some Fruity Pebbles coffee creamer and some K cups for the Keurig if I want hot coffee.

Meeting the guy I started seeing at his house for the first time. The last few times we went around where I live. I feel some anxiety since I get that way when I don't know where I am going/unfamiliar with directions even with GPS. It should take a little less than an hour. I always think something is going to go wrong, like I get into a car crash, and I'm trying to make a good impression that I am reliable still. My allergies are bad. I keep coughing and hope it doesn't get worse or turn into a cold. Still need to drop off my car to get something fixed too, although it won't interfere with my driving today.

So basically I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety today. Hopefully it won't affect my day.

The whole reason I wanted to go back on seroquel XR is because it pulled me out of a severe depression way back in 2013. I only stopped it because it was too sedating and made it hard to function at work. But now I’m on summer break so I won’t be back until September, so I have 2.5 months to adjust. I’m really hoping it works as well as it did last time. And I agree, I believe it will help the other end of the pole as well, which would be nice since I was mixed manic for two weeks before this.

I was successful in finding a safety object! I found an extra soft unicorn pillow with the added benefit of being weighted. She’s perfect. I splurged on a nice perfume to spray on her as scents calm me down and ground me. I also found some scented thinking putty I can use when I’m super agitated. I’m already calmer laying with her. I don’t feel like ripping my skin off like I did all day.

I’m super tired today though because I took extra seroquel last night. I never heard my alarm. Thankfully my son was already up. Group was ok today, I talked about my mom and how upset she makes me. She hasn’t even asked how I am since I’ve been home. It’s almost like she’s mad at me for going back. GOD she makes me so mad! I don’t even want to see her stupid face right now. I think I’m going to take my son to school myself next week just so I don’t have to look at her.

Tomorrow is the bbq with my brother and his family. I am so excited! I haven’t seen them since January. I’m even going to force myself to make macaroni salad. I looked at the recipe and it’s only a few ingredients so I think I can handle it.

I want to find some way to track my food for the day WITHOUT tracking calories. I just want to see where I can make healthier choices. Tracking calories isn’t going to be good for me right now though. I feel like **** when I go over. I also put away the bathroom scale because I was just driving myself crazy. I don’t really want to lose weight at this point, I’ve got bigger fish to fry. I just want to get stronger and more physically fit. I need to have confidence in myself that I can defend myself. I bought small dumbbells today and found a short beginner strength training video on YouTube that I’m planning to try.

My surgeon never called. I think it’s ok although I’m not sure when I can start working out and lifting things again. I do have a post op appointment with my primary in a week or so so I can discuss things with him then. I took 5 Xanax today. The 5th one didn’t do much. I took it half an hour ago along with 20 milligrams of melatonin. I wonder if there’s anything I can get besides Xanax that won’t wreck my weight loss progress. I know I need to cut down on the caffeine but sometimes things are worse without caffeine.

I’m just glad I barely think about my old therapist anymore and that I’m starting to forget things. The whole idea of therapy is sort of grossing me out right now.

I’m meeting my daughter halfway tomorrow to visit. The sunshine in my world. When I return, I’m going to attend a sound and light healing ceremony and then an aging class taught by a Harvard trained scientist which runs two days. Glad it’s Pacific time and I’m on Eastern. Sunday, I’ll go to the pool during the lunch break. I’ve set up mother and brother and asked them to call my sister this weekend for emergencies. A good weekend overall planned.

I hope everyone has a peaceful, good weekend

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sapien For 4,000 years since yesterday there is a bean known as the world, and it hosts us, and I have to admit there aren't much words but the words that keep flowing at re the reason I'm here to explain that there is nothing wrong exxcept when Bean is mean. I know there are reasons, and hopefully I'll get the Vraylar today, but should I take it? No, the natural state of flowing makes the dinosaurs extinct and that's why we're here, not vraylar, not risperdal,, but I can't stop the risperdal freakin....ooh, I just got an idea! cat emergency

Have you tried the Vraylar yet?

Spent the morning with Caleb on the phone. Then picked up N3 and gf to take her to work by 12. I spent the next 5 hours with N3! We went out to lunch then went to a "lake" though you can see the whole thing at once - and walked along the boardwalk and looked at nature. We stayed out for quite a while. Then we went back to my place and he picked a CD to listen to and then after a couple tracks, he changed it from Renaissance music to mid-20th century choral music which we loved and sang along with and talked about all the individual parts. Then just as the CD ended it was time to go pick up the girlfriend. I drove them home. Oh! But after the walk outside, I was completely sweaty. Everywhere! As if I'd just worked out but it wasn't humid today but it was hot. When we got back to my place I took a quick cool shower and put on fresh clothes. That felt good. And also tonight an old friend of mine messaged me on Facebook. I replied and am awaiting her next response.

Off to go read my book!

I kinda regret sharing all that. Feel exposed or something. And like I betrayed my son. Only one person responded and I don't know what to make of that.

I'm feeling uncomfortable and anxious and I just don't need that.

You drive your gf to work every day?

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It's my son's girlfriend and I don't drive her every day. Just sometimes.

Oh I thought n3 was nephew sorry

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My mood is going up, up, up. It started the last few days and tonight I'm too wound up to just sit still and watch a video or something. I've taken my PRN doses of gabapentin and will take my PRN klonopin if that doesn't work. I really need to sleep, just through the weekend. When I can reach my pdoc I can have my symptoms but the weekend is a bad time. If I'm high enough I'll boost my clozapine for 4 days and I'll come down. This is early for me to get my summer high so maybe it's a blip. I hope so; I don't have time for the clozapine pulse right now.

I hate hypo. I hate mania. I hate the jittery feeling that I can't shake.
I think I hate it all. Just for tonight.

Seems a lot of us are having high mood, which is par for the course with bipolar in the Spring. I'm no exception. I'm enjoying a nice mild hypomania. Tons of energy, little need for sleep, spending cavalierly (thank God for refunds!), garrulous (can't stop talking about good memories of the past, my poor neighbors, i just go on and on but they seem to be enjoying themselves, i keep things light and funny), threw a physically distanced party, super active and sweating and tolerating pain better, etc.

Yesterday was one of the most successful days of my life. I finally finished off a small reno i've been working on for a year, the replacement of my ugly bathroom cabinet doors that were obstructed by the toilet and have vexed me since i moved in here 16 years ago, with an exquisite white shower cutain half (photo attached), i hope you like it. I just ripped the doors off using brute strength, hauled them down to garbage and then installed the curtain rod and hung the curtain. So i did that from 4:00am to 8:00am.

Then i went grocery shopping and to Walmart. I bought $270 worth of groceries, but remember that's not all food, a lot of it is paper products, a 24-pack of toilet paper, a six-pack of paper towel, six boxes of Kleenex and also toiletries like liquid hand soap X2, deodorant, etc.

I bought a ton of canned beans as i'm trying to go vegan and that's about the only vegan protein i like. They've got good fiber too. I also drink vegan protein powder but i just choke it down, it's not tasty, but so important to keep my protein number up while i'm being so active SO I CAN BUILD MUSCLE!!!!!

I also bought a ton of fresh fruit and veg and have already eaten the strawberries (sooooooooo good) and pineapple. I've had a salad with baby lettuce, mushrooms and radishes -- yum! I didn't buy any non-vegan food. I have some vegan cheese and vegan faux meats on the way from online. I hope the cheese is good, i LOVE dairy cheese.

Then i went to Walmart and looked over their dog harnesses but they were crap so i ordered one online. It's really elaborate, pink and black, my dog is going to look like a mountain climber in it!!! It's adjustable in three places so i'm hopeful it will work when flimsier harnesses haven't. It's also an XS as she can wiggle out of an S. It was pricey at $42.50 off Amazon but i feel it will be more humane than a collar.

I bought a hula-hoop for the dogs to jump thru and tried some of my old gymnastics tricks and ended up falling and scraping my leg. Moving around in a 240-pound body is very different from moving around in 120-pound body.

SIGH!!!

Well, i have my first phone call with the woman i've been texting with for two weeks on the Facebook dating app in in 3.5 hours. Hope it goes well, will have to be fast on my verbal feet and not give anything about bipolar away. It's not something to talk about right away. Eventually, but not right away.

Also attached is a picture of an exquisite barrel accent chair with ottoman in vintage French script fabric that i finally bought after having my eye on it for a year.

Hugs to all!

Jane.

I’ve been having trouble sleeping the last week and a half because I’ve been hypomanic. My doctor increased my Saphris from 10 mg to 20 mg. Yesterday, she added Lunesta. I slept well last night which is a relief. If I can focus, I’d like to paint with watercolors today.

BeyondtheRainbow, whatever2013, and Lizzie1813, it's at least good that you are growing aware of your mood upswings. I hope that you can arrest them but in a way that still allows for pleasant moods with good energy.

whatever2013, I love that chair. Very stylish and unique! You've been on a roll, in terms of creative and effective expression.

I'm sorry you felt exposed by what you shared. I don't think you should, but your feelings are yours.

I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you, and for that past online friend I mentioned. What's important is if sharing helps you (and possibly others), in the end. I am certain that if that friend I mentioned frequented this website, she would have wanted to chat with you. You know, you never know what others are experiencing out there.

This particular thread is a very fast-paced one. It's quite likely that you only heard from me, not because of any lack of desire to respond to you (or discomfort), but just sometimes the posts get written fast, and we all occasionally miss some. I hope you will see it like that. We've all written occasional posts here where we needed support, but didn't get it. Again, not because of snub. Just, it happens. It's also sometimes difficult to know what to write/say.

You know, I had a nephew who died as a result of bipolar depression (suicide). Sometimes when people write about suicidal ideations, I just don't know what to say, even though people might think I can/should say something. In any case, I do not believe that those who didn't respond judge you (or your son) in any way. Mental illness is so complex, and most all of us know it.