Bipolar check-in #56

I'm half way through a book I haven't read in years: Blood Lies by Daniel Kalla. I have several of his books including the one I bought maybe 3 weeks ago called Lost Immunity- his newest book. Blood Lies is from 2007 I think.

I wrote my pen pal an email today. By the time he eventually writes back what I wrote will all be old news.

I spent all of today alone with very little human contact other than facebook messaging a couple people, including N1. She's with her dad at a friend's cabin having a blast. I

Ooh! Tomorrow is bill day! Always work to do! Compared to my mom's bills I have it easy. She has a lot more money but she also has a lot more bills.

Anyway, I will read up tomorrow. I just skimmed quickly today. Sorry!

My friend Christine had a migraine since she wokep. She has no prescription for her migraines so she tried prescription xanax and hydrocodone (I think). Those probably won't kill a migraine at the source- she said she threw up most of the day too. Usually, for me, when I throw up with a migraine that takes the pain away and when that happens I get drowsy and am able to sleep the final bits of migraine away. I'm hoping that she wakes up tomorrow feelingnormal.I don't like being alone very much. I prefer human interaction. Even if that's just texting. I watched youtube for way too long today but I saw one guy I watch stay in one of the pricier hotels in Disney World- it's closest to the Magic Kingdom- and then I watched another suggested video of this OTHER family that I watch every day where they stayed at the same hotel the first guy did with almost the exact same view. They only got one room although there was an ajoining room that was closed to the family but that was OPEN to the first guy!

I woke up in a better mood today. I still have back pain, and now, shoulder pain. My brain is much clearer than yesterday, so I was able to focus on teaching my students. It's definitely much better than last night when I tried very hard to keep the conversation going. I also talked to some of my friends, laughing at some high school memories. That was nice.


I still feel sleepy now, but I managed to clean my cichlid's tank. I will take a nap and I'm going to push myself to do a little exercise when I wake up.


@buddha1too Thank you for your kind words. It is the rainy season here indeed. Almost 6 months like this, but it'll still be hot and muggy. I'm not sure if it's because of the weather or if it's just me.

My phone appointment with my medical doctor went very well. We made a plan. He will refer me to a psychiatrist who hopefully specializes in Binge Eating Disorder (BED) and can treat bipolar as well. The psychiatrist may have resources for therapy (psychologists, groups, etc.) or there is a slight chance that they do therapy as well.

This is Canada tho so despite our reputation for good health care it will take six months to a year to get a psychiatrist. Until then i will do counselling with my medical doctor every two weeks.

We've decided to finish the benzo taper which is on hold at 9mg Valium until my hypomanic insomnia fades when Spring passes and then do a cautious withdrawal from Risperdal, which may well be the cause of my excess weight.

He said my 6.2 pound weight loss over six weeks is ACTUALLY GOOD! I'm so transfixed by my diet when i was 41 where i lost SEVEN pounds the first week, in one single week, then three pounds the next, i don't actually feel i'm doing well, but at this rate i will lose 52 pounds a year so looking at it that way, it's an improvement.

Slow-and-steady wins the race, he said.

A sustainable diet is sensible, he said.

Apparently, i'm doing all the right things, just using my common sense, but it was nice to hear it confirmed by a doctor. I even made him laugh at one point, we both laughed really hard. It was a special moment.

So it's nice to have a plan of attack for the future and i feel more relaxed knowing i will be getting some help. Truth be told, i am pretty sure that after six months to a year of counselling with my medical doctor, i probably won't need to see a psychiatrist -- my medical doctor is THAT good!!!

Hugs to all,

Jane.

I appreciate your encouragement and support and I appreciate you. Thank you.

I couldn’t shake the depression yesterday initially so we skipped the pool party and the cookout. It was really too cold anyway. My daughter wanted to spend time outside so we got some food and some camp chairs and set up by the creek in the park in a secluded spot. We saw fish, all kinds of birds, chipmunks and squirrels. It was pleasant and calming. The great thing is that now I have a place to hide out with my Kindle when life becomes overwhelming. I’m going to make a point of going at least twice a week.

I had a great visit and a great time with my daughter. Usually, I’m bereft when she leaves but this time my heart is just full of memories and gratitude. Could be because I’ve got so much to do right now. It’s back to work on things for me including my brother’s health.

Still considering Florida.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day. Hugs to all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 ... so we got some food and some camp chairs and set up by the creek in the park in a secluded spot. We saw fish, all kinds of birds, chipmunks and squirrels. It was pleasant and calming. The great thing is that now I have a place to hide out with my Kindle when life becomes overwhelming. I’m going to make a point of going at least twice a week. ...

That sounds divine! There's a creek not too far from my home and it is such a joy to be there, and to swim in it.

I'm so glad the time with your daughter has left you with wonderful memories.

Just got back from my injection appointment. The nurse said she will email my med provider and my therapist. I talk to my therapist tomorrow. The nurse said it's doubtful I'll be able to talk to my aprn this week because of the holiday and the fact that my call back day (when I'm allowed to call and make an appointment) is only in a week. Finished draft #1 of my s note last night. I didn't tell the nurse that. I was also told I should see a legit doc for the rashes on my arm. Probably poison ivy, but I'm extremely sensitive and need steroids for it every year although right now it's not that bad.

I'm really agitated so I guess it's time to take my sleepy time cocktail

I feel ok today. I only got one drink from Sonic and my mom told me to drink it slowly. But then I had a mango Pepsi zero and about 48oz of water and everything stayed down. I’m getting a bit nervous about Friday. But I’m trying not to panic. They said wear comfortable loose clothes and since it’s summer I can just wear baggy basketball shorts and a loose T shirt. But I have to figure out what to wear to my cousins baby shower. If I feel like getting out of the car that is. My mom said I may be able to change at my uncles house. So I’ll wear nice clothes to the shower and then go to my uncles and change back into my loose stuff. There’s also a line of shoes dropping Friday morning so I have to set my alarm while we are at the hotel and then order them and hopefully be able to go back to sleep. I don’t know how well I’ll sleep anyways. But today I’m nervous but it’s not a big deal.

It was for sure PMDD that was going on for the last week. I dropped 6 pounds overnight and I am not moody or crabby the way I had been. This was the first time in a long time that I could pinpoint that it was PMS and also the first time in a long time that I’ve had the physical symptoms as well as bad emotional ones. There’s really nothing I can do unless I want surgery. I just need to learn to manage things on my own.

It's another day over 100 degrees. I did get a walk in though, this morning. I feel a little less anxious when I walk. It a great concern of mine that there is no psych med that really treats severe anxiety. I've been meditating for 31 years and it helps, but it's no magic cure for anxiety. I have had glimpses of mindfulness, but honestly, "being in the moment" doesn't make much sense to me. How can we be in a moment without remembering the past and planning for the future? I think I'm missing the point, and I can't seem to grasp it.

It's hard to believe that it's June 1st!

So there was this quote “if you’re going to do the dishes then do the dishes”. The idea was to use your mental energy on doing what you’re actually doing. Many of us drift away rather than be more in the moment but some people focus on cleaning or whatever to the extent that it’s a welcome break.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic So there was this quote “if you’re going to do the dishes then do the dishes”. The idea was to use your mental energy on doing what you’re actually doing. Many of us drift away rather than be more in the moment but some people focus on cleaning or whatever to the extent that it’s a welcome break. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Thank you Sp! That quote is simple and quite helpful!

Wooooo Hooooo ! I love when jerks leave.. Life is hard no need to be a idiot to other people !

My life totally changed how I did everything. My Brother went to work everyday, constantly working face to face with people. Nothing changed for him over all.. Where he lives so many Mom and Pop places went under.. We lost a lot also. For that I am very sad.

Hugs right back at ya

Ah too cool for the pool has led you to a wonderful spot of nature to go escape. If something ever happens to my Kindle I will probably lose my Shyt!

I am so happy that your time with your daughter has been so wonderful

How is your brother doing? Will he be coming home from the hospital directly or needing to go the a rehab to likely build back up strength????

Honestly I think you should go to Florida. Your plate is always over flowing... You need sometime to just decompress

[QUOTE=BethRags;7078916][FONT="Arial"][SIZE="2"][B]It's another day over 100 degrees. I did get a walk in though, this morning. I feel a little less anxious when I walk. It a great concern of mine that there is no psych med that really treats severe anxiety. I've been meditating for 31 years and it helps, but it's no magic cure for anxiety. I have had glimpses of mindfulness, but honestly, "being in the moment" doesn't make much sense to me. How can we be in a moment without remembering the past and planning for the future? I think I'm missing the point, and I can't seem to grasp it.

Oh that heat

I seriously can't handle heat I get super Witchy but I also truly over heat and become very ill. Summer is horrible for me..

Anxiety?? Beth I wish to hell there was something that honestly helped. I have yet to find anything and I don't expect Big Pharma to come out with anything anytime soon... Chronic anxiety leads to health problems and WOW they all have pills for THAT

I do feel that Benzos of anykind are next on the chopping block to get people off of. First pain meds and then anxiety meds. What drives my anger about that is more and more people will turn to alcohol or street drugs in an attempt to find some kind of relief. That is what so many people are already doing and that is going to be a million times worse.

I do not want to hear about how Benzos " Might" cause early Dementia... Will that really matter if most of your life is miserable? No thanks Ill take the risk, I certainly dont want to start drinking as that comes with to me much more damage to the body not to mention people driving while drunk.

Mindfulness.. My ability to use that particular coping skill comes and goes.. Depending on what room I am in or out and about I have to physically look at a single thing and mentally keep saying "lamp" for living room. Bedroom is "curtain" In the car? Music always works, But I only listen to the soundtrack or Rent or The Greatest Showman. I have zero desire to listen to music I grew up with nor new music or any kind. Its just the way my brain works well " looping" I have a favorite book author. When I am not doing well which I cant even remember when I was doing well last I can only read that book series. If Im at a store and anxiety hits me hard. I stare at my purse in the shopping cart, My purse is this bizarre collection of crazy flowers, cow hide/hair and strips ( I love it feels like it a good imagine of my Bipolar mind)

I need to work with Richard next session to help me get back to Mindfulness, its a coping skill that we have to actively work on to help get the most out of it.

I am so sorry that anxiety is just so overwhelming for you right now

Maybe tomorrow you will find some peace if even for only for a short while. Even moment helps

Today was hot! I had to go to Hellmart which is something I truly Loathe with every fiber of my being. But it is where I get my meds and I do get an handful of things there as they are just alot cheaper than the grocery store that is nice and calm.

Steve is doing well and has been for a long time ( I am so happy for him) He got on his tractor yesterday to start bushhogging.. He loves when our land looks like a park, Amanda is coming the 12th and wants it perfect. Anyway he was swinging around a tree and a damn limb knocked his muffler ( better that than his head! yeah that has happened) sideways so he came back and had to get all his welding gear to fix that damn thing. He ran out of daylight so he was back at it today.

We need to get Amanda's room painted and ready for her. Painting is something that I just can't do. My Asthma will flare up in 5 mins and Ill need 10 days of Steroids ! Very strange he has Emphyzema and on Oxygen at night and 24/7 if he is sick yet paint doesn't bother him as long as a window is open.. I don't get it

Gus is such a handful today.. if only I had half his energy

Hope everyone will have a nice night and sleep well

Today went well. (Except with K- see below.) Saturday, I tried to get my mail but the key wouldn't turn. Then it wouldn't go in! It was like that Saturday through part of today. Just as I was going to drive to the post office because their help line was just voicemail I saw the mailman. I asked him about my broken mailbox and he asked to see ID to make sure I wasn't trying to get someone else's mail I guess. He opened the mailboxes in the bottom row with his special key and handed me my mail. As I was going back up to my apartment I saw someone working on my mailbox! He was down there for quite a while. I decided to just go back inside my apartment and wait. As I was was getting some peaches to eat 🍑 I heard a knock on my door. The guy from downstairs handed me some new mailbox keys and said he had to replace the whole lock because the old one kept sticking/catching. So I got my mailbox fixed .

I also paid my bills- except comcast (I only have internet) because that one comes out automatically- and netflix does too actually.

Around 5:30, I asked K if she wanted to go to get some ice cream at Cold Stone. She replied, "After I'm done working." Since it was already 5:30 I figured that couldn't be very long. So I waited to eat dinner until I got back from ice cream. An hour goes by and now it's 6:30 without a word from her. I know she can get tied up on calls so I let the hour slide. The next thing I know- after I had started cooking dinner- she says "I just finished and I still need to eat dinner. Staying home." This pissed me off. Saying "after I get off work" sounds like "That's when I can/want to go to ice cream. I accept your offer but I'm working for a bit longer." Right? Am I being a brat here or do I have a valid point? Last time I asked her to do something before this she said she wanted "me time"- like I'm taking away her time alone by merely asking if she wanted to hang out. Maybe I need to accept that she's an introvert and I'm an extrovert and we clash on a lot of things because of this. And she has said yes to hanging out before then turned around 5 or 10 minutes later and changed her mind. This is nothing new, her behavior. To me, that's rude. Today was an hour later but still. It just makes me upset.

It started raining today and it actually made me feel more comfortable because it's cooler. My mood this morning was not bad at all either. I think things are starting to pick up. I don't feel as sleepy as the previous days and maybe I can exercise today as well. I've been taking 150mg Seroquel for 3 days and I figured I just need to take it earlier so I can sleep on time. I used to take 300mg and be able to sleep 15 minutes later.

I didn't cry last night even though I had some negative thoughts that kept me from sleeping right away. It was short though and before I knew it, I was fast asleep. I'm really praying this pattern will continue. I hope everyone will start feeling better, too.

Morning everyone!
So, I met with a new psychiatrist yesterday and I actually really liked her - it was the most comfortable I felt discussing what was going on. I am going to stick with her and that gave me some sense of relief.
For now, we're sticking with the Lexapro and Lamictal, but she is thinking of adding Seroquel to help with the mania side, anxiety and my sleep. But I think she wants to see how I do with the routine I'm on now, especially since I have a ways to go in upping the Lamaictal.
I feel like I've passed most of the depressive state but I have such racing thoughts and I feel like everything is everywhere - but she said this is pretty normal as my body is balancing out.
I'm determined to stick with it and get to a new normal.
I meet a new therapist today, I hope that goes well.

Hope everyone is staying safe and doing well!

Holy cow, the daylight hours are growing long! That means very little sleep, which doesn't necessarily mean the onset of an episode is near. I guess 4-5 hours a night is just enough this time of year. In the past, however, this was potentially hypo or manic time.

There's a lot going on this month. With things opening up, life's beginning again. Two of my nieces are graduating, so there will be parties, I have tickets to two baseball games, my aunt's memorial service is coming up, & my 60th birthday lands on the 25th. While it's nice to be back living again, those occasions also provide many opportunities to eat. I was kind of pissed that I gained 1.2 pounds at Weight Watchers this past week, but there's the potential to gain a lot more than that if I'm not careful this month.

I had an appointment with the neurologist yeaterday to try to find an explanation for the neuropathy I've been experiencing the past few years. While they will run more blood tests, his best guess is that it's been caused by taking so many psych meds for so many years...apparently lithium is a prime suspect, since I was on it for 10 years. Age is another factor...& there's not much I can do to slow that one down!

Anyways, I hope everyone has a great day.

Just finished up therapy, which was as useless as I predicted. I told her I thought therapy was a waste of time and she said I needed PHP or IOP, but on the other hand she told me not to drive so how does she expect me to go? And I'm not sure about IOP (Don't even know what program she was referring to) but last I checked the PHP had a three month long waiting list (and I've been through the program before and it's totally useless, spend like two hours asking everybody to rate their depression/anxiety on a scale, how many hours you slept, and if you used any substances. Then break. Then the same TED Talk every other day. Then another break. Then an hour asking everybody if they're safe to go home and if they'll be back tomorrow. Then we leave. It's five hours to do 15 minutes of work and that's why I hated school let alone a program that's supposed to help me that I'm paying for that I have to wake up at 6am and drive over an hour each way). She did express concern that I haven't been stable in over a month, but "to tell someone if it goes on too long." Like...uhhh... who? not you, I guess. And it kinda already has gone on too long so wtf you talking about willis? She told me to do something to get my energy out so I think I'll go out to the highway and do sprints.

[FONT="Arial"][SIZE="2"][QUOTE=~Christina;7079072]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags I do feel that Benzos of anykind are next on the chopping block to get people off of. First pain meds and then anxiety meds. What drives my anger about that is more and more people will turn to alcohol or street drugs in an attempt to find some kind of relief. That is what so many people are already doing and that is going to be a million times worse. An excellent point! Yes, benzos have become the boogie man. I think it's cruel. I do not want to hear about how Benzos " Might" cause early Dementia... Will that really matter if most of your life is miserable? No thanks Ill take the risk, I certainly dont want to start drinking as that comes with to me much more damage to the body not to mention people driving while drunk. Absolutely true. I agree. I need to work with Richard next session to help me get back to Mindfulness, its a coping skill that we have to actively work on to help get the most out of it. I've been working with it for years; I have some success, wish I had more. I am so sorry that anxiety is just so overwhelming for you right now Maybe tomorrow you will find some peace if even for only for a short while. Even moment helps Thank you so much, C

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 Today went well. (Except with K- see below.) Saturday, I tried to get my mail but the key wouldn't turn. Then it wouldn't go in! It was like that Saturday through part of today. Just as I was going to drive to the post office because their help line was just voicemail I saw the mailman. I asked him about my broken mailbox and he asked to see ID to make sure I wasn't trying to get someone else's mail I guess. He opened the mailboxes in the bottom row with his special key and handed me my mail. As I was going back up to my apartment I saw someone working on my mailbox! He was down there for quite a while. I decided to just go back inside my apartment and wait. As I was was getting some peaches to eat 🍑 I heard a knock on my door. The guy from downstairs handed me some new mailbox keys and said he had to replace the whole lock because the old one kept sticking/catching. So I got my mailbox fixed . I also paid my bills- except comcast (I only have internet) because that one comes out automatically- and netflix does too actually. Around 5:30, I asked K if she wanted to go to get some ice cream at Cold Stone. She replied, "After I'm done working." Since it was already 5:30 I figured that couldn't be very long. So I waited to eat dinner until I got back from ice cream. An hour goes by and now it's 6:30 without a word from her. I know she can get tied up on calls so I let the hour slide. The next thing I know- after I had started cooking dinner- she says "I just finished and I still need to eat dinner. Staying home." This pissed me off. Saying "after I get off work" sounds like "That's when I can/want to go to ice cream. I accept your offer but I'm working for a bit longer." Right? Am I being a brat here or do I have a valid point? Last time I asked her to do something before this she said she wanted "me time"- like I'm taking away her time alone by merely asking if she wanted to hang out. Maybe I need to accept that she's an introvert and I'm an extrovert and we clash on a lot of things because of this. And she has said yes to hanging out before then turned around 5 or 10 minutes later and changed her mind. This is nothing new, her behavior. To me, that's rude. Today was an hour later but still. It just makes me upset.

I'm so glad your mailbox issue is resolved! YAY!


I would be a bit hurt, too in the "K" situation, but it sounds to me like what you pointed out...she's an introvert. The situation most likely has nothing to do with you, but has to do with her need to be alone. She may need to learn how to assert that to people, instead of making up excuses.

Quote:

Originally Posted by peachiee23 Morning everyone! So, I met with a new psychiatrist yesterday and I actually really liked her - it was the most comfortable I felt discussing what was going on. I am going to stick with her and that gave me some sense of relief. For now, we're sticking with the Lexapro and Lamictal, but she is thinking of adding Seroquel to help with the mania side, anxiety and my sleep. But I think she wants to see how I do with the routine I'm on now, especially since I have a ways to go in upping the Lamaictal. I feel like I've passed most of the depressive state but I have such racing thoughts and I feel like everything is everywhere - but she said this is pretty normal as my body is balancing out. I'm determined to stick with it and get to a new normal. I meet a new therapist today, I hope that goes well. Hope everyone is staying safe and doing well!

Great that you like your new pdoc! In my experience, I wish I never would have touched Seroquel because of the weight gain that leads to serious health problems. I'm not qualified to give medical advice, but I can share my own experience with you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by buddha1too Holy cow, the daylight hours are growing long! That means very little sleep, which doesn't necessarily mean the onset of an episode is near. I guess 4-5 hours a night is just enough this time of year. In the past, however, this was potentially hypo or manic time. There's a lot going on this month. With things opening up, life's beginning again. Two of my nieces are graduating, so there will be parties, I have tickets to two baseball games, my aunt's memorial service is coming up, & my 60th birthday lands on the 25th. While it's nice to be back living again, those occasions also provide many opportunities to eat. I was kind of pissed that I gained 1.2 pounds at Weight Watchers this past week, but there's the potential to gain a lot more than that if I'm not careful this month. I had an appointment with the neurologist yeaterday to try to find an explanation for the neuropathy I've been experiencing the past few years. While they will run more blood tests, his best guess is that it's been caused by taking so many psych meds for so many years...apparently lithium is a prime suspect, since I was on it for 10 years. Age is another factor...& there's not much I can do to slow that one down! Anyways, I hope everyone has a great day.

I agree on the long, long daylight...and it's still lengthening. Getting dark at 7p.m. would be my choice.

The damage that psych meds can do is appalling to me. I had no idea when I started taking them.

Hurrah for the baseball tickets! Woohoo!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sapien Just finished up therapy, which was as useless as I predicted. I told her I thought therapy was a waste of time and she said I needed PHP or IOP, but on the other hand she told me not to drive so how does she expect me to go? And I'm not sure about IOP (Don't even know what program she was referring to) but last I checked the PHP had a three month long waiting list (and I've been through the program before and it's totally useless, spend like two hours asking everybody to rate their depression/anxiety on a scale, how many hours you slept, and if you used any substances. Then break. Then the same TED Talk every other day. Then another break. Then an hour asking everybody if they're safe to go home and if they'll be back tomorrow. Then we leave. It's five hours to do 15 minutes of work and that's why I hated school let alone a program that's supposed to help me that I'm paying for that I have to wake up at 6am and drive over an hour each way). She did express concern that I haven't been stable in over a month, but "to tell someone if it goes on too long." Like...uhhh... who? not you, I guess. And it kinda already has gone on too long so wtf you talking about willis? She told me to do something to get my energy out so I think I'll go out to the highway and do sprints.

That sounds frustrating, to say the least. I hear you on IOP...is there any advantage to just connecting with others in the program? Sometimes I find that helpful...simply knowing I'm not alone in the world, being with other people who understand.