[~Christina]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

So I haven’t “confronted” my mom yet but I’m going to extend an olive branch and ask her to come look at the dresses and help me choose between them. If I’m brave enough I will ask her why she ignored my text and just take what she says at face value. If she says she forgot then I’ll just take that answer no matter whether I believe it to be true or not. I’m coming to a place of acceptance. My outrage was for how she treats my brother and how she occasionally treats me. But honestly I shouldn’t feel angry, I am just really sad for her. It’s obvious she’s never been happy in all her life. I think she was happy with my dad to a certain extent but then he died and any happiness she had died with him. She’s said a couple of times that she does not want to be saved should a life threatening event like a heart attack or stroke occur. She said we can be happy for her then because she will be rejoicing in heaven walking with Jesus. It’s just a sad way to go through life. My life was headed that way, I had passive SI for years, even when I was married to my first husband. Even though I’m going through hell right now I don’t want to die, not really. It’s just sad that she will never find that joy or happiness. I can’t really be angry with her for that.

I went back and forth today with anxiety. Around 1:30 I was planning on going to the gym but I was so anxious again I began to feel physically ill. I decided to head it off at the pass, take Xanax, and then go to the gym. I stepped out of my comfort zone and tried the elliptical machine. Holy. Hell. I’m super out of shape for that one! I can bike for 30-45 minutes no problem but I could only make it 15 minutes on the elliptical before I felt like I was going to collapse! I’m going to be so sore tomorrow! I felt like an idiot did just leaving at that point, I wanted to do strength training but I’m too nervous to try the machines yet. The only way I convinced myself to try the elliptical was by telling myself over and over that no one was looking at me, they didn’t know my fitness level, they wouldn’t even blink in my direction. And I was right! I’m going to try the same thing on at least one of the machines. I’ve found upper body workouts with dumbbells on YouTube but most of them contain a lot of exercises I cannot do because of my back problems.

I ordered a sunrise simulator clock that has nature sound alarms. The clanging of the iPhone alarms are making me so angry! They jolt me awake and I just immediately silence it. Not a pleasant way to wake up. I hope the nature sounds will be better.

I think your making a very wise decision about dealing with your Mom. It is sad that she has lost happiness in life after your father died but honestly I have seen that happen to more people than I could count. Honestly I think my life would just become unbearable when something happens to Steve.

Elliptical ??? Oh hell yes its so hard, at first. It is easier on your joints than treadmill because your not impacting your joints each step, elliptical is more just a gliding motion and it does burn more calories than treadmill. Years ago when I was turning into a Gym rat, I started out being able to last less than 10 mins, with in a couple weeks I was up to 30-40 mins and I got that amazing adrenaline rush.. Maybe keep doing short amounts of time?

Let me now how that clock work for you. I have been interested for a long time..

I think you are doing better all. Your moving forward even if your not seeing it.

Take care

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

I'm ready for my trip which starts tomorrow!

The covid restrictions complicate things quite a bit. You have to apply to enter each province and prove identity, vaccination status, and show where you're coming from, going to, how long you'll stay etc. It's almost like traveling to another country! It'll be interesting to see how the border crossings work.

We're taking a 30 foot RV onto two different ferries - I'm looking forward to driving into the ships.

We're going to see some iconic places like the Cabot Trail, Peggys Cove, etc.

I know I won't get my 8 hours sleep during the trip. I hope things stay stable.

I'm sensitive to changes in water and I often have stomach issues wherever I travel, even if it's just a couple of hours away from home. Bottled water helps but getting exposed to local water is inevitable when eating at restaurants (salad, ice cubes, etc)

I hope you have an amazing vacation !!! If you take any pictures I'd love to see them

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Brother had pneumonia and hypoglycemia. Mother is feeling better now that she has seen a back specialist and received a custom brace.

I’ve been so wiped out today I’ve been a total couch potato. Tomorrow I’m headed to the pool at 8:30 and staying all day then Sunday visiting my daughter and seeing a movie with her. It’s going to be a great, much needed weekend.

Sending good thoughts for your Brother. Im glad your Mom is doing better with a back brace.

Yes float !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have a great time with M.. Have you guys picked out the movie yet?

[~Christina]

Thanks everyone for the Happy Anniversary's We did have a very nice meal.

[Moose72]

The crisis team called me back. This woman was very nice. Her approach was religious but in a non-pushy way. Unfortunately she asked me to watch a YouTube video which might be good but I'm not feeling it right now. Maybe tomorrow. I have to take N3 to work tomorrow again. I should go to bed - 4:45 comes early.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Sending good thoughts for your Brother. Im glad your Mom is doing better with a back brace.

Yes float !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have a great time with M.. Have you guys picked out the movie yet?

Thank you. Yes, we both want to see F9.

[Polibeth]

Met my new pdoc (I moved across country a few weeks ago) today. He's not as fabulous as my old one but he seems pretty darn close. He did say he'll have to keep a close eye on me because of the complexity of my case (two antipsychotics and ECT). I'm relieved to have that out of the way

[Victoria'smom]

So pdoc called I thought it was going to be a nurse so I stuttered and said the wrong thing. I hope he puts in the right meds. I won't find out until Monday. Tuesday morning I go for my shot then immediately leave on my trip I'm so uneasy about going but I can't back out. My Days are filling up and i don't like it.

[wildflowerchild25]

I have been running all day. Well not me, just my mind. So wound up! I’m freaking out about the wedding. I hyper focused on it for the majority of the days, taking time out only for my appt with my program therapist and my dentist appt. I’ve at least put together a list of items that need to be completed for the wedding, and gotten some information on a couple of things. I spent a lot of time looking over the ceremony samples and elements the officiant sent me and copy/pasting a rough outline together.

I watched a couple of outdoor ceremonies to get an idea and I seriously am freaking out. I feel like I can’t do it! I just can’t go through a whole ceremony again, I can’t stand up there and put my feeling out for everyone to see! It makes me feel very vulnerable. If I could just go to the courthouse I’d love it but I do understand RS’s desire to have a “real” wedding. It’s his first and hopefully only one. I’m just scared.

It’s 12:25am but I knew I wasn’t going to sleep anyway. You know how some days you can just feel that you’re definitely not going to sleep? I knew around 3:30pm when I was still diligently typing away at my computer that I’d never be able to shut down. I’m 150mg of seroquel IR in the hole and not even a blink. And I don’t want to sleep, that’s the “problem”. If it’s a problem. Yeah maybe I’m just a tad on the hypo side but I know it will settle after a day or two.

I was told I am discharging from program on august 16th. I’m happy about that. I’ve come a long way since April. I think and hope that this time is different. I really feel like there have been fundamental shifts in my attitude and thinking. Like every other time I would get stable on meds and be fine for awhile but the faulty wiring was still there just waiting for the next chance to jump out. I think I am more prepared for it. And I’m more open to trying new skills every day and finding the right ones for me for different situations.

I should probably put on a sleep meditation or something to relax me. I really shouldn’t stay up all night.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Lizzie1813

I slept 10 hours last night. I haven’t slept that much in months. I have a strange-feeling headache, or at least the beginnings of one…probably too much sleep. My neighbors moved out a few weeks ago. (I live in a small, one bedroom apartment.) I was outside this morning watering my geraniums and peppers and saw a man outside the apartment. I asked him if he was moving in. He said he was just cleaning. Wondering if I’ll get new neighbors soon. I hope they’ll be nice. How’s everyone doing? I hope y’all have a good day.

Your geranium is just gorgeous! I used to grow them.

[*Beth*]

Right now my focus is on Sid, my cat. She's been diagnosed with diabetes. I have to inject her 2 times/day with insulin. I've done it twice so far, but I'm a nervous wreck with fear of doing something wrong. I'm flat out of money (the insulin was $300) and so afraid she'll need to be seen by the vet when I'm broke.

Med-wise I'm feeling quite stable.

I like my new apartment. It is tiny, but honestly, that's okay because there's less cleaning to do. The windows are large, but one is stuck closed for some strange reason, so I'm waiting to catch the guy who fixes things around here. I sure hope he can unstick the window, or replace it. I love having the windows open on breezy days, when it's not so hot.

A good Saturday to all!

[Mountaindewed]

I’m doing ok today. I’m a bit anxious. But last night I got my shot right before I took my Geodon and right after I took my melatonin. So I just slept through my hunger. And I also didn’t have any S or SH thoughts the way I usually do when I get my shot. So I guess I really do have to switch everything to at night in order to be stable until I can get my surgery.

I woke up at 2:40. I wasn’t hungry though. I knew I couldn’t fall back asleep so I didn’t even try. I drank a zero sugar soda and listened to music for a couple hours and then around 4:30 I went and organized my dresser. I took a shower at my usual time then I watched the olympics for a few minutes before my mom and I went to Einstein bros bagels. I got the nova lox. Which is about half the price it would be at a restaurant. It tastes the same plus Einstein actually assembles it for you unlike in restaurants.

I came home and I ordered that Mountain Dew on eBay. People were saying the cans were going for $100 each. But I bought a 6 pack for $46. Which I know is still outrageous but my subscription boxes are about $4 more then that and I didn’t get one this month. So I guess it evens out. Those boxes have been really lame lately. I’ll get 3% cash back too.

I’ve noticed a Gatorade shortage recently. Every time I try to buy some the section is either empty or just has weird flavors. Today there were maybe 10 cases of various weird flavors. I just was trying to buy some cherry zero. It shouldn’t be that hard to find.

But today I feel ok. I’m glad I got the Mountain Dew but I do feel kind of guilty spending $46 on 6 cans. They were originally going for 6 cans for $12 cans but they wouldn’t ship to my zip code. Or the other 2 addresses I put in. So at least I tried before spending this much.

[Daonnachd]

I picked up my morning meds on my way to work yesterday then forgot them at work when I came home. So I'm going medless today. On the other hand, I do have coffee. Coffee makes everything better.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m about 10 pills short of my Valium. Which means I’ve taken 10 extra in the last month. I have 49 days left if I take just take the prescribed 3 a day. My mom says I’ll need to cut back to two a day in September. I should be able to get it refilled around September 15th. So I’m a bit nervous but not full out panicking right now. I already took all 3 of mine and it’s not even noon yet and my anxiety is still a bit sucky. I think it’s PMS because I have cramps. My mom seems unaware and not concerned that I’ve been taking extra Valium. She just thinks my anxiety is justified because of all the stuff I have going on.

I wish I could go back to work now. I’m in such a good sleep routine already. I never wake up past the time I would have if I’d be working. Also everywhere is hiring. But I wanted to go back to work in May and in June I was pretty glad I didn’t.

But I guess I’m just going to have to handle my anxiety and time on my own for who knows how long. I’m looking at October for returning to work. I’ll know more as soon as I can get a clear date from my doctor.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m just so ****ing tired of food and eating. I don’t want to eat but I have to in order to survive and also so I won’t get sent somewhere where they stick a tube in your nose. But I have just about had it with the whole idea. Eating doesn’t make me feel good physically or mentally and I’m just so exhausted all the time to cook anything. Now that our microwave is broken it’s even tougher to motivate myself.

[Victoria'smom]

I so get the feeling mountaindewed. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

So I got a phone number for unlimiting calling and texting. It's $15 A month prepaid. It's the same company as my husband's but he has unlimited internet plan. I needed a phone because I tend to get paranoid on vacation. With M moving I'll need one anyway . The one person tried up selling my husband and tried saying I was going to spend $50/month but the guy I was dealing with knew what I was talking about and didn't try to up sell me or anything. It was so much more relaxed then expected. Maybe because I have an older phone. Everyone seems upset that I have a cheap phone plan and old phone but it's what I can afford. My family thinks I spend more money on H but I don't. My dad wanted me to borrow money to get his phone plan. I don't make enough to borrow money. The only one that is happy for me is my mom. If it works well up there then she may get one for my nephew. They seem to think my money goes a lot further than it does.

We're missing a whole bunch from our file for my apartment. We've been trying to get a Hold of them but no one is responding. I'm so worried they won't renew our lease then we'll be really screwed. There's nothing I can do until Monday. And I leave Tuesday morning. So it's not a lot of time to figure it out.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Polibeth

Met my new pdoc (I moved across country a few weeks ago) today. He's not as fabulous as my old one but he seems pretty darn close. He did say he'll have to keep a close eye on me because of the complexity of my case (two antipsychotics and ECT). I'm relieved to have that out of the way

Oh that is great you found someone that is at least okay to start with.. Maybe he will get better as you continue to work together?

Have you been settling in well ?

[Victoria'smom]

My head is getting loud... can't get my injection until Tuesday. I can't think.

[Lizzie1813]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Right now my focus is on Sid, my cat. She's been diagnosed with diabetes. I have to inject her 2 times/day with insulin. I've done it twice so far, but I'm a nervous wreck with fear of doing something wrong. I'm flat out of money (the insulin was $300) and so afraid she'll need to be seen by the vet when I'm broke.

Med-wise I'm feeling quite stable.

I like my new apartment. It is tiny, but honestly, that's okay because there's less cleaning to do. The windows are large, but one is stuck closed for some strange reason, so I'm waiting to catch the guy who fixes things around here. I sure hope he can unstick the window, or replace it. I love having the windows open on breezy days, when it's not so hot.

A good Saturday to all!

I’m sorry things are hard right now. I can’t imagine how stressful it must be to have to worry about not having enough money when you have a sick pet. Is the photo of Sid? So sweet! I’m glad you are enjoying your apartment! I hope things become better soon. Lots of love and hugs.

[Lizzie1813]

I’m doing okay today, just anxious about going to church, as always. I’m afraid I’ll cry again like I have for the past two months (silent tears). Everything said during the message seems to trigger thoughts about the situation with my son. Hoping I can make it through the service without crying.

[Mountaindewed]

I feel a lot better after my episode last night. The 2 anti vertigo meds didn’t really even make me tired. And the 3 melatonin I took still took their usual time to work. So I was kind of panicking for a couple hours and I was unable to really do anything about it. But today after reading the replies from my threads on here and talking to my mom more about things I feel better. Although I’m still super anxious about things and I have SpongeBob on for a distraction which always helps.

I ate half a bag of Frank’s Red Hot Goldfish today. My calorie budget allowed for it but my stomach is on fire right now plus the period cramps I have as well aren’t helping. I never eat spicy foods but I’m obsessed with Goldfish and this was my first time trying these. They are actually very mild taste wise. I took Tylenol and I’m sitting with a heating pad turned on high. Both are helping.

This morning I created an online order that I can place on Wednesday for a store out of state. My mom is going to a reunion and I’ve been begging to go shopping there. They have a few international grocery stores I like and a huge grocery store with everything you can think of including the candy I get at the international stores. But she keeps talking about hotels and how it’s not possible and stuff. So we agreed that she’d do a curbside pickup for me on her way home. I have almost $100 worth of groceries on my list but it’s stuff I can’t find here and it’s still less money and less of a headache for her then dealing with the drive and hotels.

So today I’m just trying to keep my mind calm. I really don’t have any other option but to watch TV. It’s the only thing that can truly keep my mind occupied. I have therapy tomorrow morning. We’ll talk about what went on this week with the doctors appointments and she wants me to fill out a release of information so she can talk with the therapist she’s switching me to so they can discuss my case so I can have a smooth transfer. My current therapist seems more willing to help me deal with a good transfer then my transference T who just said “well I’ll call her and talk about things.” And she didn’t actually call she emailed her a few days after the first session. I was very confused about why transference T said she’d call on a specific day and time but didn’t. The email she sent was a bunch of BS too.

So I hope things do go easier with this transfer.

[Lizzie1813]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I feel a lot better after my episode last night. The 2 anti vertigo meds didn’t really even make me tired. And the 3 melatonin I took still took their usual time to work. So I was kind of panicking for a couple hours and I was unable to really do anything about it. But today after reading the replies from my threads on here and talking to my mom more about things I feel better. Although I’m still super anxious about things and I have SpongeBob on for a distraction which always helps.

I ate half a bag of Frank’s Red Hot Goldfish today. My calorie budget allowed for it but my stomach is on fire right now plus the period cramps I have as well aren’t helping. I never eat spicy foods but I’m obsessed with Goldfish and this was my first time trying these. They are actually very mild taste wise. I took Tylenol and I’m sitting with a heating pad turned on high. Both are helping.

This morning I created an online order that I can place on Wednesday for a store out of state. My mom is going to a reunion and I’ve been begging to go shopping there. They have a few international grocery stores I like and a huge grocery store with everything you can think of including the candy I get at the international stores. But she keeps talking about hotels and how it’s not possible and stuff. So we agreed that she’d do a curbside pickup for me on her way home. I have almost $100 worth of groceries on my list but it’s stuff I can’t find here and it’s still less money and less of a headache for her then dealing with the drive and hotels.

So today I’m just trying to keep my mind calm. I really don’t have any other option but to watch TV. It’s the only thing that can truly keep my mind occupied. I have therapy tomorrow morning. We’ll talk about what went on this week with the doctors appointments and she wants me to fill out a release of information so she can talk with the therapist she’s switching me to so they can discuss my case so I can have a smooth transfer. My current therapist seems more willing to help me deal with a good transfer then my transference T who just said “well I’ll call her and talk about things.” And she didn’t actually call she emailed her a few days after the first session. I was very confused about why transference T said she’d call on a specific day and time but didn’t. The email she sent was a bunch of BS too.

So I hope things do go easier with this transfer.

I’m so glad you are feeling better, and I’m sorry you had a rough night. I hope the rest of your day is good. I hope your mom is able to get you the groceries that you want. I can relate to using television as a distraction. I binge watch Netflix so I won’t think about the painful situation with my son. I hope things go smoothly with your new therapist. Sending hugs your way.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Lizzie1813

I’m sorry things are hard right now. I can’t imagine how stressful it must be to have to worry about not having enough money when you have a sick pet. Is the photo of Sid? So sweet! I’m glad you are enjoying your apartment! I hope things become better soon. Lots of love and hugs.

Thank you so much, Lizzie. No, that's not Sid in the photo. I just think the photo is so cute Sid is a tuxedo kitty, so black and white. And sweet and so smart.

Love and hugs to you, too

[Lizzie1813]

Well, I cried in church again today though not as much as usual. It was mostly during the music. The message was on Samson and Delilah and failure so I wasn’t triggered like I have been during most messages. When I got in the car with my cousin before church, she asked me if I was okay because of my expression. I told her I was anxious about going to church like always. She wanted to know why. I told her it’s because I have anxiety, which she knows but cannot grasp what it means. She told me nothing bad would happen and to use positive self talk. This was the first time she didn’t sound judgmental when giving advice. She sounded kind. I almost cried then and struggled not to cry all the way to church. I’m crying now. Time to read or watch TV so I can turn these feelings off.

[Mountaindewed]

I took 4th Valium around the same time. Elton John took 40 one time and he was ok. I mean he ended up in rehab but he didn’t die. The Valium isn’t doing much and I ate an unwich from Jimmy Johns because I thought I needed something to eat other then spicy Goldfish and dry Cheerios. That didn’t help either. Maybe I’ll try my 20mil geodon. I signed that paperwork and I’ll drop it off at the office before therapy tomorrow.

I know I needed a session sooner which is why I saw her last week. but I hope I can get used to going every other week with therapy because thinking about it nonstop the entire week is starting to get tiresome and I think is adding to my anxiety.

Edit: I’m out of my 20mil Geodon. I guess the doctor hasn’t called it in yet. My Pdoc and pharmacists can go shove it. I guess I’ll just take my lamictal and propalanol in 15 minutes. I usually take those an hour later but I’m kind of desperate right now for some relief from my feelings.

Then I’ll take my melatonin around 3:30-4 and my Geodon around 6. And just hope I can make it through the night without any issues.

Edit again: I took my melatonin and my Geodon. I’m in bed and I’m still pretty anxious. I have my weighted stuff I’m just not sure how else to handle my anxiety besides taking a 5th Valium. I’m not sure how I’ll be able to go to 2 a day in September. Hopefully my anxiety will be less then it is now.

I just took a 5th Valium. Then I immediately gave the bottle to my mom and told her to take control of them and only give me 3 a day. This has been very out of control lately.