[Soupe du jour]

My husband went to bed without dinner. He said he's feeling unwell, physically, which I believe, but I think he's even more depressed. The depression may be partly the cause for the physical distress. My physical well-being is heading a bit south this evening, as well. I wouldn't really say I'm depressed, but I have a bit of angst that I'm unsure how to quell. Right now we're in a state of flux, hoping for a catalyst to restart our figurative engines. Sure, it's nice when that catalyst comes out of nowhere, but we can't count on one.

I remember, years ago, telling a particular therapist that I would set out on a "pursuit of pleasure". She didn't seem pleased with the idea, and was surely misunderstanding what I meant. Truth is, I guess I was, in a way, hoping for a bit of hypomania, which wasn't good. I did indeed achieve it, which resulted in her literally suspending me as a client. But I'm not against the idea of a jolt, or self lit fire under one's derriere. But how to light it without a forest fire resulting? Plus, I don't have just myself to consider. Then, there are the general limitations given the situation at hand (language issue, pandemic continuance, etc.)

[Mountaindewed]

Now I’m just lost and I can’t figure out at all if it’s the protein peanut butter cups I ate an hour ago giving me a stomach ache or if it’s just massive anxiety as a result of everything else I’m dealing my with. I want a 4th Valium. I’m gonna run out of those early too and then my Pdoc will for sure pull the plug on my benzos.

I am sorry if my behavior recently has caused some of the members to disappear. It’s been quite on this thread lately and I feel like I may have something to do with it.

[Lizzie1813]

Does anyone else use the Daylio app? I just started, and I’m finding it helpful. It lets me track my moods and reminds me of my goals. I can make notes each day like a small journal. I’m glad I found it as I’m not fond of writing things out by hand. I hope everyone is having a good day.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Lizzie1813

Does anyone else use the Daylio app? I just started, and I’m finding it helpful. It lets me track my moods and reminds me of my goals. I can make notes each day like a small journal. I’m glad I found it as I’m not fond of writing things out by hand. I hope everyone is having a good day.

Yes I use it, I’ve found it pretty helpful. I also like the feature where you can add photos to your entries

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Now I’m just lost and I can’t figure out at all if it’s the protein peanut butter cups I ate an hour ago giving me a stomach ache or if it’s just massive anxiety as a result of everything else I’m dealing my with. I want a 4th Valium. I’m gonna run out of those early too and then my Pdoc will for sure pull the plug on my benzos.

I am sorry if my behavior recently has caused some of the members to disappear. It’s been quite on this thread lately and I feel like I may have something to do with it.

If it's quiet it's multiple people, not just one. Be nice to yourself

[Ursula Shackleton]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

13th birthday. Cool! He's now a teen. All the best to your son on that special day.

Sounds like you're approaching cleaning in a good way. One step (or room) at a time. I suggest patting yourself on the back after each accomplishment. That's how I succeeded best with such projects.

Yes! Thank you for the good wishes. He's just an AWESOME kid <3

Yeah, my son and I have totally teamed up on the house. After a long depressive episode that went from October until mid-June, my house is just a wreck. So it's *so much work.* But we're getting it

[Ursula Shackleton]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Yesterday I had major gastrointestinal distress. I took some OTC meds,, including charcoal. That did the trick. I feel much better today.

Hubby was telling me about a battery going dead...and he mentioned our GPS Tom Tom. I thought he only mentioned the Tom Tom itself, but he later clarified it is our car battery that's dead. Ugh! We currently have only one car, so that means we are stuck without transportation. He looked and we do have some kind of road assistance, but are unsure what it includes. Being Saturday it's not sure when we'll get some help. Hubby doesn't think a jump start will do the trick. I suggested he ask our neighbor about that. He apparently wanted to do a map upgrade on the Tom Tom. Why he did it "in the car" using the car battery for power, I'm not sure. I didn't ask that question because I know it would make him defensive. He'd likely bark that I could have done it, instead. He'd be right on that. Anyway, I'll be happy when our newish Subaru finally arrives. It's likely on the Atlantic Ocean still.

Ugh, that sounds like a difficult day. GI distress sucks so much, but it's great that you got it figured out. I hate when my car is being a butthead. It feels like everything is just put on hold. Hopefully your car gets there soon! Subarus are awesome!

[Ursula Shackleton]

Originally Posted by Lizzie1813

Hello Ursula! I’m glad you are here. I sometimes have trouble following the conversations, too. I’m sorry you experienced a major depression. You sound excited about your son’s birthday party. I’m glad. Good for you cleaning your office! I’ve never heard of a Selectric. I’ll have to check it out. I hope you have a good day!

Yeah, after my mom's cancer got horrible in February, it was just really downhill until about the beginning of this month. I'm sure you know how triggers can make things an extra special party *rolls eyes.* But yes! I'm excited because it'll be the first time I see my aunt and uncle since my mother's funeral, and my son is excited. All that giddiness about his birthday is just infectious. Selectrics are pretty old school. The red one here looks pretty much exactly like mine: IBM Selectric - The Vintage Technology Association

[Mountaindewed]

I took a 4th Valium because I am still feeling sick. I tried eating some soup. I don’t know. Maybe it’s all the Valium making me sick today.

I did hear that some states are sending mental health workers to peoples houses instead of the cops when they are having a mental health crisis. While that is good news I wonder if therapists will be even more tempted to call 911 on their clients.

When I was in one treatment center they always called the mental health counselor and the hospital to arrange things. Then my mom would pick me up since I’d behave for her and she’d take me to the hospital. Even from the ER one time they let her take me. That was in 2006 and that would probably be a liability now.

And the second place the mental health counselor would come to the center and then an ambulance would take me to the hospital. Except for one time when the cops took me to the ER. But they weren’t mean or anything. Then a staff from a treatment center met me there until the mental health worker came and talked to me and set things up.

The last time in 2015 I was 22 and living at home and my mom drove me to the ER and I waited with her all day until a counselor talked to me and then made arrangements.

Man what is with these traumatizing memories flying nonstop through my brain today.

That last one was Involuntary but just based on my states laws. I didn’t need to be there based on what the counselor told me but I was required by law to go. I was only there for 3 nights and like 2 full days. I think it was just one of those 36 or 48 hour holds type things. I didn’t even do most of the groups I just slept most of the time since my meds were messed up. I don’t know if all adult psych wards just want you to be safe and they don’t care if you sleep and don’t do groups, but this hospital was like this and would have been my second choice to go back to if I was living in the state again.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Oh no, I am sorry to hear this. Just wish there was something I could do to make things easier for you. I saw your post on conditions and meds it sounds like you are in a rough spot for sure. If things don't go well with this NP is there someone else you could try? Or are options limited around you? It really irks me when pain is not taken seriously because it's fibro pain or something that doctors don't believe. Your pain is valid.

By the way Gus is adorable!

Thanks Gus is a total dork LOL But who cant love that little monkey face hahaha

There are 2 other Pdocs between both towns. Both are anti benzo, and have 8month + wait list. I just feel backed in the corner.. Honestly the professionals that think Fibro isnt real need to spend a month living with it.. Bet things will change.

How are are you holding up with recent news?? I can only imagine how confusing everything can be. Do you think your T will actually be helpful know with this knowledge?

Be kind to yourself

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'm moved into my new apartment! It's very small, but has many trees around it, including a tall and magnificent redwood tree. Now I have only to clean the old apartment, which will be a job, but I'll manage it. And I have to move my computer, etc. to the new apartment. A tech dude is supposed to come out Monday to hook it all up. Hopefully that will be hassle-free. Ha, I'm so tired it's going to take a couple of weeks to feel fully awake again.

Big hugs all around. I hope everyone has a nice Saturday.

Congradulations !!!!!!

You did A lot and will need time to recover ..Enjoy your new lovely trees

[wildflowerchild25]

@Lizzie1813 and others:

I have a perspective from the other side of things. I am emotionally estranged from my mother in the sense that I have no desire to share my life with her but I will speak with her on a surface level. My brother is almost 100% estranged from her. Part of the reason is because after our dad died she collapsed into her own depression. She never even tried to get help, she just let it overtake her and neglected us emotionally. She very rarely said I love you or even did basic things like make or at least provide meals, clean, etc.

My brother is desperate to have a relationship with her and she rebuffs him at every turn. This fuels my anger. I have forgiven the past. What’s done is done. But it’s her behavior NOW that I have an issue with.

My point is if you are getting the help you need and trying to improve yourself, your son may still come around. If my mother ever acknowledged that she needed help back then or even better attempted to seek help now, I would be more willing to interact with her. So hopefully your son will see how committed you are to recovery and take that to heart eventually.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I don't like unneccessary drama. It's so boring sometimes Someone on another forum sent me a snide message the other day, I don't even know them, at all. It's a VERY quiet forum UGH

Thanks for sharing about your new apartment BethRags

Has anyone heard from Bizi? She's been gone for a while now.

I hope everyone's Saturday is a good one.

I hate people that need to be rude to others. Life is short why cant people be nice !!!

Bizi is on vacation visiting family.. She should be returning soon

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

My husband went to bed without dinner. He said he's feeling unwell, physically, which I believe, but I think he's even more depressed. The depression may be partly the cause for the physical distress. My physical well-being is heading a bit south this evening, as well. I wouldn't really say I'm depressed, but I have a bit of angst that I'm unsure how to quell. Right now we're in a state of flux, hoping for a catalyst to restart our figurative engines. Sure, it's nice when that catalyst comes out of nowhere, but we can't count on one.

I remember, years ago, telling a particular therapist that I would set out on a "pursuit of pleasure". She didn't seem pleased with the idea, and was surely misunderstanding what I meant. Truth is, I guess I was, in a way, hoping for a bit of hypomania, which wasn't good. I did indeed achieve it, which resulted in her literally suspending me as a client. But I'm not against the idea of a jolt, or self lit fire under one's derriere. But how to light it without a forest fire resulting? Plus, I don't have just myself to consider. Then, there are the general limitations given the situation at hand (language issue, pandevmic continuance, etc.)

I'm sorry you and your husband are just not feeling very good. From the outside I can see where depression might be playing a big role in all this. You had to quickly pack up your life in NJ leave family behind and more to another country, I think that would knock anyone sideways, especially with Covid screwing up everything from top to bottom..

Do you think maybe planning something each week might help. Like a picnic and a lovely walk, or out to eat at a place you both enjoy? I know Baking has always been a big part of happiness for you.. Maybe there is something you havent made before?? I don't know just something to go do on X day each week that might help boost your moods? Just thinking out loud here..

Are you taking good care of yourself? self care isnt a luxury its a huge must do !

Dumb saying but.... Hang in there

[Mountaindewed]

It freaked people out when I said I wanted to join the 27 club. I’m 28 now. Tried until the day before I turned 28 in February. Felt like a failure on my birthday. I should probably take my normal amount of Geodon right now and ask my mom to hide my meds in order to quite these thoughts.

[Lizzie1813]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

@Lizzie1813 and others:

I have a perspective from the other side of things. I am emotionally estranged from my mother in the sense that I have no desire to share my life with her but I will speak with her on a surface level. My brother is almost 100% estranged from her. Part of the reason is because after our dad died she collapsed into her own depression. She never even tried to get help, she just let it overtake her and neglected us emotionally. She very rarely said I love you or even did basic things like make or at least provide meals, clean, etc.

My brother is desperate to have a relationship with her and she rebuffs him at every turn. This fuels my anger. I have forgiven the past. What’s done is done. But it’s her behavior NOW that I have an issue with.

My point is if you are getting the help you need and trying to improve yourself, your son may still come around. If my mother ever acknowledged that she needed help back then or even better attempted to seek help now, I would be more willing to interact with her. So hopefully your son will see how committed you are to recovery and take that to heart eventually.

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective. It gives me a lot to think about. I was first treated for depression when I was 19…a misdiagnosis that wasn’t corrected until I was diagnosed with bipolar at age 31. I’m almost 48. I believe I was a loving mother. I just had periods when I unable to be there “emotionally” for my children. In spite of meds and therapy, I’ve always struggled. I regret how those struggles hurt and probably scared my children. I hate this illness and how it’s prevented me and my kids from having the lives I’ve always wanted us to have. All I can do is pray for healing for my children and myself and continue fighting what feels like a hopeless battle. I’m not in a good place right now so everything looks bleak. I can only hope my son will come back to me someday. Thank you again.

[wildflowerchild25]

I feel for you Lizzie, I really do. Every day I hope I haven’t damaged my son beyond repair. His whole life has been fraught with trauma from my illness as well as his father’s addiction and sudden death. I’m so afraid he will grow up to be like me and my mom because he can’t forgive me for how I behaved. All I can hope is that I show him I’m trying all the time to be better.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Lizzie1813

Does anyone else use the Daylio app? I just started, and I’m finding it helpful. It lets me track my moods and reminds me of my goals. I can make notes each day like a small journal. I’m glad I found it as I’m not fond of writing things out by hand. I hope everyone is having a good day.

I use Daylio. It’s a handy app to have. My current streak is something like 756 days.

[Sunflower123]

I’m meeting my daughter in a town 30 minutes away to see F9 tomorrow. It’s forecast to rain and that makes me nervous. I had a near fatal car accident long ago in Atlanta after I hydroplaned on the interstate. For many years I didn’t drive in the rain. I can drive short distances now but this will be a challenge. I’m going to do it though.

I only have one appointment next week aside from therapy. Yay! This past week was insane with 7 for my brother and one for my mom. I barely kept my head above water. I certainly have a hard time keeping up with the cooking and cleaning that way.

I hope everybody has a peaceful Sunday.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm around just got depressed. I'm trying to keep myself busy but honestly I'm just trying to sleep through the day. Our house is a mess and we have inspection in less then a week. We're going to fail and I don't know what happens then. My dad's been in town and he wants me to go home with him for a little. I don't know how much my paranoia will act up. I'm not going to be able to this in a year. I have a serious problem caring. T wants me to be gentle with myself. She doesn't know

Possible trigger:

a couple of days ago was the anniversary of when I had planned to end myself a couple of years ago

I still question why not. I didn't think it would bother me so much. It's the same day as my birthday so I didn't want to do anything for it but my extended family made a small party for me today. I don't want to celebrate it. But no one knows that's why. I have a hard time not seeing myself as weak. I guess it's okay. I'm not sui right now. I did harm myself not caring that my computer was to hot for my skin. I can't just mope when I'm up there. I miss them but don't know if going will be best for me. There oblivious to my issues. I can be psychotic for weeks and it not register with them. I'm not bringing my computer when I go up. I don't know why I'm typing all this but I'll stfu now.

[Soupe du jour]

I'm feeling ill again today. Clearly more so than the previous few days. Predominately gastrointestinal stuff, but my sleep has been affected. The lack of sleep sickens me more. I have a headache and runny nose. Could I have some flu? Or possibly a continuation of some mild food poisoning? Hopefully not worse. We've at least had one covid booster and covid numbers here are now very low. Seven day average of 234 in CZ. With the same number new cases, today. That's a lot better than in some of the sparsely vaccinated states in the US! I've been taking OTC stuff for it all and trying to drink a lot of liquids...since I'm losing a lot. Gotta be very careful with my kidneys! Hubby also feels unwell, physically, but maybe not as bad as me, now. I don't seem to have a fever.

Hubby is ordering food. I'm not well enough to cook. They have chicken noodle soup on the menu, but I hope it doesn't arrive with liver dumplings. They put those suckers in almost everything here. Truly, recently we've not felt like more than what my Czech husband calls "bílý papír" (white paper) or boiled potatoes. Sometimes the thought of anything else upsets our stomachs.

[Victoria'smom]

Lizzie I'm convinced my mom's undiagnosed with a mood or personality disorder. She was so unpredictable that I moved out at 16 and states away by 19. I slowly forgave her but I have strict boundaries. Like I wouldn't leave my kid alone with my parents. She did some terrible things but I forgave her because she tried the best she could. She never has or will seek help but she's a lot calmer with less stress so I treat her like she's a different person than the one who raised me.

[Lizzie1813]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I use Daylio. It’s a handy app to have. My current streak is something like 756 days.

That’s awesome!!!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

...
Has anyone heard from Bizi? She's been gone for a while now.

...

She's on vacation.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I'm feeling ill again today. Clearly more so than the previous few days. Predominately gastrointestinal stuff, but my sleep has been affected. The lack of sleep sickens me more. I have a headache and runny nose. Could I have some flu? Or possibly a continuation of some mild food poisoning? Hopefully not worse. We've at least had one covid booster and covid numbers here are now very low. Seven day average of 234 in CZ. With the same number new cases, today. That's a lot better than in some of the sparsely vaccinated states in the US! I've been taking OTC stuff for it all and trying to drink a lot of liquids...since I'm losing a lot. Gotta be very careful with my kidneys! Hubby also feels unwell, physically, but maybe not as bad as me, now. I don't seem to have a fever.

Hubby is ordering food. I'm not well enough to cook. They have chicken noodle soup on the menu, but I hope it doesn't arrive with liver dumplings. They put those suckers in almost everything here. Truly, recently we've not felt like more than what my Czech husband calls "bílý papír" (white paper) or boiled potatoes. Sometimes the thought of anything else upsets our stomachs.

I'm so sorry you're not feeling well. Sounds like you may have caught a bug. Rest, rest, and keep hydrating Ginger tea or peppermint tea, or both together.