[Soupe du jour]

@~Christina, my condolences on your loss. I agree with Beth that aunt's and uncles have a special place in our lives. Even if not close ones, they represent close family bonds. I was very sad when I lost one recently, as well.

[Gabyunbound]

Good sleep is everything to me. Without it, my thinking tends to, at first, shift to dangerous desires and I will get hypomanic and then, possibly, manic.

Over a month ago, my seroquel (which I hated anyway for the weight gain) started pooping out for me and I wasn't sleeping well. Just enough to start believing that I wanted to 'be in an altered state' and stopping all my meds (this 'experiment only lasted several days, I got very sick, not in the mood I was longing for, and the experiment ended).

In any case, fast forward to tonight and it's 5:30am and I'm still up. After the above situation, I told my pdoc what had happened and also that, although I of course needed a different med for sleep, I would not take any meds that led to weight gain. I had become the heaviest I had ever been in my life (since being off seroquel, I've lost 10 pounds already).

So she put me on Doxepin, and old antidepressant that is supposed to knock you out. I've managed to sleep well for maybe 3 days here and there, but mostly it's not working for me. I emailed my pdoc about it 2 days ago, but she hasn't gotten back to me yet. Last we communicated, she upped the dose and she said if this doesn't work out I can't take more of it and she'll have to resort to controlled substances. I'm not sure what she means by this. But I'm already taking 2 controlled substances for various reasons and really do not want another. But. I. Have. To. Sleep!

@~Christina
I am so sorry for your loss. Lots of hugs.

@Gabyunbound
I really hope you are able to get good sleep soon.

@buddha1too
So sorry to hear you are feeling so depressed. Let your T know how bad things have been. I know it would be easy to gloss over if you're thinking it won't help, but that's something depression makes us think. So set that thought aside, and tell it like it is.

[Scooter9]

So sorry for your loss @~Christina

[*Beth*]

My daughter has moved to New York to attend grad school. My husband asked her for her new address, but she said she would prefer not to give it to him because she no longer wants me to write to her. I had been sending warm and very "neutral" letters to her, small occasional gifts, and occasional cards. She's nixed that. No mom and daughter could be closer than my daughter and I were. She cut all contact after I was IP almost 3 years ago. I'm devastated. Writing to her by post was the only communication I had with her. Now I don't even know her address. I still don't know why she's so angry at me, only that her therapist encourages her to go "no contact" for whatever reason(s).

In all of my years of being a mom the one thing I never expected was that one of my kids would stop contact with me. My heart is very heavy.

[Mountaindewed]

Does anyone else get annoyed with these double standards regarding weight? I saw a commercial this morning where a super skinny guy was eating Jif peanut butter straight from the jar. But if they had an overweight actor doing that then there would be issues and the actor would get cyber bullied and stuff. They had the skinny doing the commercial on purpose.

It just triggers me a bit how society views overweight people. It makes me be really careful and particular about my own self. I walked around the grocery store this morning with seasonal flavors of Oreos and Pop Tarts for my brother. No one glanced at me. But I’ve heard stories of people making comments at overweight people about what is in their carts.

It’s just difficult for me to comprehend sometimes.

Not related to this but I do eat just plain peanut butter but it’s usually the little cups of it. Not the big jars. Although I did do that before once.

[Mountaindewed]

I don’t think I’m manic since I’ve been sleeping. But I’ve spent a lot on Amazon recently. And I have been in this cleaning frenzy for awhile where everything has to be neat and perfect. Even the 3 blankets on my bed I use have to be neatly aligned with each other every morning. I also have to finish things I start. Like books and cereal boxes and boxes of tea and other things. Even though the books aren’t due for another 1.5 weeks and my food is good between November and June 2022. I just feel like I’m just in a hurry to get things done and I don’t know why. But sometimes I just feel a bit frantic. Although it’s not causing me a lot of distress. But my anxiety is kinda sucky today. I drank a lot of tea this morning. It said “low caffeine” so I think it’s just the volume of tea and water that I consumed that is making me feel sick. Although this happened yesterday too. Hopefully my therapist didn’t give me anything. I took my temp yesterday and it was like 97.7.

My mom was standing in my closet door and asked if something was in my dresser. I had a mini panic attack. But luckily she didn’t look anywhere that I don’t want her looking at. I’m missing a few things from the move and I haven’t been able to find them. So when she was at Walmart I looked for them myself in my closet. I didn’t find them but I found a brand new plain black phone case that fits my phone. It still had the styrofoam on the inside. I also found a few book marks which I had needed the other day.

I still didn’t find my book on MJ, my multiple flavors of chapstick, or my $30 noise cancelling ear plugs. Thankfully we found the ashes of 2 of my cats in the garage. Imagine donating that to Goodwill.

My winter vest came and it fit perfectly. Even with a hoodie it will be fine. I’m hoping to be able to cancel the other one. I didn’t know what size to get. I get notices on my phone when things are being delivered from Amazon but my echo also makes a beeping noise. I’m glad Amazon just drops stuff off quickly. I had to shoot the breeze with a Fed Ex driver one time.

Edit: it’s a few hours later and nothing I’m doing is helping my anxiety. Nothing I eat or drink or not drink or my meds are helping my anxiety. And I don’t even know the cause of it. My old therapist told me sometimes we’re just anxious for no reason. But you’d think the Valium or whatever would make it a bit manageable.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by BethRags

My daughter has moved to New York to attend grad school. My husband asked her for her new address, but she said she would prefer not to give it to him because she no longer wants me to write to her. I had been sending warm and very "neutral" letters to her, small occasional gifts, and occasional cards. She's nixed that. No mom and daughter could be closer than my daughter and I were. She cut all contact after I was IP almost 3 years ago. I'm devastated. Writing to her by post was the only communication I had with her. Now I don't even know her address. I still don't know why she's so angry at me, only that her therapist encourages her to go "no contact" for whatever reason(s).

In all of my years of being a mom the one thing I never expected was that one of my kids would stop contact with me. My heart is very heavy.

So sorry. That has to be so hard. You’d think a therapist would want clear communication and at least have her write why she is so mad.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Does anyone else get annoyed with these double standards regarding weight? I saw a commercial this morning where a super skinny guy was eating Jif peanut butter straight from the jar. But if they had an overweight actor doing that then there would be issues and the actor would get cyber bullied and stuff. They had the skinny doing the commercial on purpose.

It just triggers me a bit how society views overweight people. It makes me be really careful and particular about my own self. I walked around the grocery store this morning with seasonal flavors of Oreos and Pop Tarts for my brother. No one glanced at me. But I’ve heard stories of people making comments at overweight people about what is in their carts.

It’s just difficult for me to comprehend sometimes.

Not related to this but I do eat just plain peanut butter but it’s usually the little cups of it. Not the big jars. Although I did do that before once.

I believe that the worst and most ignored prejudice in our culture is the attitude toward overweight people.

[Soupe du jour]

I slept a little better last night. Having Hubby go to bed at the same time as me was likely a factor. Normally he's a real night owl and doesn't go to bed until 3 am. Little sleep never seems to bother him, unlike me. Also, I kept my sound machine on all night long, on rainfall mode. I know that works well. I should remember to use it more often.

Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist, after about a month. I will seize the opportunity to tell him how I've been struggling. Too often I feel "a little better" right before such visits, then under report...and regret it.

A new acquaintance we have in our new town was so generous today. She brought us a whole bunch of dried wild mushrooms, a big bag of homegrown tomatoes, two jars of her neighbor's fresh honey, some gingerbread cookies, and date bars. The tomatoes will be no problem to use up, as I'm obsessed with them. As for the honey, I'll have to come up with some new ideas. I was mentioning to Hubby that I want to figure out what to give her as a sort of gift. Something American. Though I love to bake and cook, I confess I'm a little nervous to give her something I make. She was trained professionally to work at a cukrarna (a Czech sweet-shop that sells confections). Then I thought about creating a flower arrangement. She's also good at that. What can I offer that she couldn't do as well, or better? A dance performance - LOL! No, she's very sweet. I wish I could chat with her more than I do, but the language barrier is an issue.

[Brentus]

Everything going on with me lately has been extremely stressing and concerning. However, I always seem to hover that line between help and not warranting it. The issue is, I don’t have social supports, I don’t have friends, I don’t have anything or anywhere to voice myself about anything but this forum so I really do have to handle things myself unless I happen to see a therapist that week. It’s one of those issues where I’m not in a crisis by a medical definition, but it’s a personal hell and crisis that is torture to endure day in and day out. The worst part is, I don’t even know where to start to change.

This week I have both therapy and I see the psychiatrist. I scheduled appointments because I felt I should, that it’s the only non-emergency options I have (I’m not in a state where emergency interventions are needed). However, I don’t even know where to start or what to say. With my therapist. I’ve seen her a few times, dropped off the face of the earth for like 3 months, and recently came back to it. Truth is, I don’t like her, I don’t think she understands me well. Every time we talk, it doesn’t help either I can’t bring my thoughts together and talk about growth, just overwhelming issues of that week/day. Granted—they are pressing things at the time, and rather big things… just I know we’re not getting anywhere and it’s not her fault in that respect. However, the only reason I haven’t decided to see someone else Is cause I don’t want to start all over again. But, my appointment is for this Thursday which she has changed 3 times now. Making It later and later and later. Currently it’s set to 7pm. I understand things come up and changes to scheduling get made. I’m really not upset with her, and she isn’t causing me any stress in terms of my schedule. I never have a thing in my life going on. But I can’t help but feel annoyed how it keeps getting pushed further away. It’s not really at the therapist, it’s more with myself, I think. Why do I reach out for help? No one has time for my crap! Lol. I know when we talk she’ll apologize profusely for having to change it, and it’s really ok… but I’m not prepared for a therapy session because I can’t explain how I feel or what I’m going through. I know that’s frustrating to everyone, especially me. I don’t know how to articulate anything right now.

The psychiatrist is also a big stressor. I asked to see someone else this time around. I feared the one I was seeing would make comment about disappearing (again) and not continuing medication [I've not taken meds for about 6-7 months now]. So, I at least get to start over with a new person. I have been on a lot of different things and for whatever reason they always stop working or never did. I just have very little hope in them anymore and it’s only a last-ditch effort to try to get to a better place that I’m even looking at medicine again. I do plan to explain that to my doctor. I’m here because I’m choosing to be, I’m going to try to follow through, but I am very disheartened about meds and how it can help – because my experience is they may for a short while, but only that. That is this Friday.

It’s only Tuesday, so why am I so bent out of shape? Because between now and then I’ll worry and worry and worry and never get any closer to feeling I can have a productive therapy session or have a successful psych doc visit. I’m doing what I think I’m supposed to, but I have to suffer before, and probably not have much help after, and it’s not from a lack of them doing their jobs. It’s not that I truly think I’m too messed up to be ok, but I do wonder if I’ll ever live outside of these issues. I mean, I’ve been this way since I could remember…

Anyway, thanks for listening. If you have any suggestions on how to make these meetings a bit better, I’d appreciate it. I know writing down some thoughts and things may help my therapist, but I sincerely can’t seem to focus on that. I’m going to try to anyway though. I am halfway tempted to just cancel on her. I don’t want to waste her time or mine, but at the same time… whether I get help or not, she gets paid. I mean that lovingly. She has tried her hardest to keep me on her schedule, and I do think she cares about me – I should just keep it so she can get paid, and not cause her a hardship.

I’m sorry for dumping here even in the most vaguest of terms. I don’t have social supports in my life and I’ve been accustomed to having myself to process, and I’ve grown fond and dependent on hoping to get benefit from a forum setting. Not without it’s own issues… But thanks everyone for reading.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Nammu

So sorry. That has to be so hard. You’d think a therapist would want clear communication and at least have her write why she is so mad.

Thank you, Nammu. Yes, I really wonder about the therapist. Seems like she would have suggested that my daughter and I come to a session together and see if we can work out whatever the problem is.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by WindsThatBlow

...

Hi Winds, My opinion is that you tell the therapist what you posted here, about having a very challenging time expressing your inner thoughts. That's a situation in which therapy can be very helpful.

What was the reason you stopped your meds?

As for the appointment changes - I don't blame you a bit. It's annoying and stressful when professionals do that.

[*Beth*]

HORRIBLE new psychiatrist!!!

So my wise pdoc of 3 - plus years suddenly quit 2 weeks ago. I've been assigned to a pdoc who lives in New Mexico, so we have to do telehealth (which I terribly dislike). This new woman is obnoxious. Arrogant, and acted like she knows me much better than I do. No sense of me having any say in my treatment. FIVE minutes into the session she informed me that I absolutely cannot have bipolar disorder because no one with BD takes an antidepressant. No one.


What a dipshite.

I'm so stuck. I hate this. I've had a large number of crappy pdocs in my life and here I am, right back with another one

[wildflowerchild25]

@BethRags

That is terrible! I had one similar, on my first visit he said I probably didn’t have bipolar and it was probably borderline personality disorder. Literally knew me 10 minutes before his “diagnosis”! Never mind the fact that I’d been dx bipolar by numerous other pdocs. I can’t help but wonder if he came to that conclusion because I am a woman. I wonder if he would have said the same about a man?

I’ve had so many bad ones, I’m sure it’s extremely frustrating to have to find a new one yet again. Good ones are so rare!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

@BethRags

That is terrible! I had one similar, on my first visit he said I probably didn’t have bipolar and it was probably borderline personality disorder. Literally knew me 10 minutes before his “diagnosis”! Never mind the fact that I’d been dx bipolar by numerous other pdocs. I can’t help but wonder if he came to that conclusion because I am a woman. I wonder if he would have said the same about a man?

I’ve had so many bad ones, I’m sure it’s extremely frustrating to have to find a new one yet again. Good ones are so rare!

He probably labeled you with BPD because you are a woman, yes. How obnoxious! I mean...seriously...diagnose someone with the first few minutes of speaking with them?! Talk about crazy.....

[wildflowerchild25]

I am losing it. I’m totally overwhelmed by wedding things. And apparently my job was supposed to send me a contract but they haven’t yet and now I’m concerned. My clinician from the program just sent my discharge letter to HR today. Im going to email the HR person tomorrow to make sure she got it. Im supposed to sign and return the contract by sept 1! If I don’t get it until next week im in trouble. Im letting my worries spin out of control, im worried that I’ll get in trouble because the disability company only approved till the end of June, because they never told me when/how to submit an extension and now I’ll have to appeal if I need to.

I went to my grandmas to try on the wedding dress and see what alterations needed to be made. The good news is they are very small and simple to do so my grandmother will be able to do them herself. The bad thing is she brought up soooo much stuff that I didn’t even think about and im completely panicking.

I’m still having trouble being out in public, I didn’t want to cook tonight but I couldn’t face going to a restaurant so we ordered pizza. I didn’t want pizza but then again I didn’t really want anything.

Uuugh I need to put a stop sign up and just breathe.

@BethRags:

I cut my mom off several times when i had tremendously stressful events to prepare for, like writing a deferred exam i needed to pass for my university degree. I did it because i found my mom very triggering even if all she wanted to do was chat because it stirred up the legacy of trauma from my childhood with her functional alcoholism and her and my dad's role in my brother's death.

Just thought i'd share that with you so you might understand that your daughter is acting for her own protection and that while you might feel prepared to have a benign relationship with her now, she might have a different experience.

I always appreciated that my mom respected my wishes, even tho she told me when i got back in touch that she'd *wanted* to reach out. Alls i can say is that you do the same, out of care for your daughters judgment of what is best for her at this moment. She'll be in touch if she ever finds herself strong enough to interact with you.

A mother/daughter relationship is a very powerful thing and i know my mom did not understand how triggering she was to me but i always appreciated that she co-operated with me in my best judgment for what was best for me during those times i had to take a break from her.

Don't think of it as rejection. Just think of it as supporting your daughter and co-operating with your daughter in the way *she* desires at this moment. She'll contact you when she is ready.

@WindsThatBlow:

It's just as valid to say to your therapist that you are confused and overwhelmed as it is to say anything else. Your therapist is there for *you* and will help you tease apart the maelstrom of feelings you are experiencing, if they are competent. Don't be afraid to say you don't know how you feel exactly, or what help you think you need. A skilled therapist will be able to help you delineate for yourself what your status is.

I feel you on the frustration with medications. I'm also med-resistant. I've been on 30 different cocktails in my 30 years in the psychiatric system and they have been more harmful than helpful, including ruining my figure. I'm in the process of withdrawing from all meds.

I'm 85% off my benzo and just feel better and better, getting up early, not sleeping til mid-afternoon and having a chaotic day with what time is lunch, what time is dinner when i get up at 2:00pm?

I will say it is important to withdraw under a doctor's supervision. I have the support of my doctor and we are both pleased with my progress with my superfluous sedating benzo. We are in email and phone contact and he is there for me if i run into problems.

I've paused the taper twice then when i had events in my life to attend to and couldn't afford to be suffering from sleep-deprivation and my doctor supported me in these decisions.

I've been a benzo addict for 25 years, been in hair-raising withdrawal a few times when my life went to Hell in the chaos of my early 30s and am just so so so overjoyed to be finally getting rid of this harmful addictive narcotic at last, at last.

[Sunflower123]

The social worker gave us very little notice. I had to rush home from the pool at 3:45 for a 4:00 appointment. The bad news is that there is nowhere for my brother to go right now. There will be eventually. The good news is that there are services they can set up to make things easier for us. Things like pill packs for his 17 medications (how does a body handle 17 medications???) with free delivery. Other things like transportation for his many, many appointments. I’ll do the best I can while still firmly carving out my own time. Floating in the pool for two beautiful days certainly helped me handle the news. I appreciate all the support I’ve received here. I will take care to look out for myself.

I hope everyone has a peaceful Wednesday.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

@BethRags:

I cut my mom off several times when i had tremendously stressful events to prepare for, like writing a deferred exam i needed to pass for my university degree. I did it because i found my mom very triggering even if all she wanted to do was chat because it stirred up the legacy of trauma from my childhood with her functional alcoholism and her and my dad's role in my brother's death.

Just thought i'd share that with you so you might understand that your daughter is acting for her own protection and that while you might feel prepared to have a benign relationship with her now, she might have a different experience.

I always appreciated that my mom respected my wishes, even tho she told me when i got back in touch that she'd *wanted* to reach out. Alls i can say is that you do the same, out of care for your daughters judgment of what is best for her at this moment. She'll be in touch if she ever finds herself strong enough to interact with you.

A mother/daughter relationship is a very powerful thing and i know my mom did not understand how triggering she was to me but i always appreciated that she co-operated with me in my best judgment for what was best for me during those times i had to take a break from her.

Don't think of it as rejection. Just think of it as supporting your daughter and co-operating with your daughter in the way *she* desires at this moment. She'll contact you when she is ready.

...

Thank you, Jane. I know you mean well. I will say that my daughter grew up in a family that was as "normal" as any family can be. She was not abused or even lightly mistreated in any way. None. On the contrary, she struggled with anxiety, especially school anxiety. Everyone, the school included, jumped through hoops to meet her needs. My best friend tells me I spoiled my daughter until she became selfish. What can I say? It's true. To me, my children are so precious it was always hard to say "no" to them.

When my daughter initially cut off contact I felt so ashamed, as if the whole world "knew" I had been a bad mother. After lots of therapy and many discussions with my husband I concluded that I had been an excellent mother, and that the issue my daughter was having is about herself, not about me.

The only *oddity* in my daughter's childhood and young years was that my husband adopted her when she was a newborn. He adored her and raised her completely as his biological daughter. She still communicates with him, just not with me. She knows I would never abandon her.


My daughter has no complaints, Jane. I have had to face the fact that she has the ability to be sickeningly selfish. I've never done anything to "trigger" her. If anything, I (and the rest of the family) have given her the confidence to go as far as she has in her life - which is pretty far.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

... I need to put a stop sign up and just breathe.

Yes Those stop signs and that breathing goes a long way!

[Victoria'smom]

So my therapist called she's very concerned. My head is loud. I guess I wasn't holding a conversation well. My anxiety level is too high I guess. She says if pdoc doesn't call by Thursday call back. I didn't tell her sh thoughts are there. I'm taking my meds properly. She's concerned that I'm taking my meds and still having symptoms. I'm so glad she didn't ask about my eating. I figure there's a week left and I can deal with it when I get home.

[scatterbrained04]

Since I noticed my mood shifts, I started knocking myself out at night with Ambien for about the last 2 or 3 weeks. But it's starting to give me slight headaches and nausea. The chronic insomnia is challenging. Have bad night time anxiety.

Got suddenly depressed about Thursday or Friday last week. Spent most of the weekend in bed. Had myself convinced I should buy a pack of cigarettes (quit 5 months ago) because I didn't care if I got cancer. I didn't buy them. I felt a bit better yesterday. I just feel like such a failure. I'm not good enough. My house is a wreck, I always forget to pay bills, I'm a terrible mom, I suck as girlfriend. I should be better at work, I feel like so many things there are my fault. I don't know, I just needed to vent. I feel alone. I know you guys get it. I don't really have anyone to talk to.

Sent from my SM-G991U using Tapatalk

@BethRags:

I'm happy to hear that your daughter was raised in a loving supportive home. But you did mention scaring her off with your last episode of mania so her experience has not been completely smooth, from what i understand of what you share here.

Also, you don't know what she experiences as triggering. Of course i don't doubt that you don't *intentionally* trigger her, just as my mom didn't. But i know for me the experience of just chatting with my mom, just hearing her voice and speech patterns, would churn up all sorts of negatives.

I'm not taking sides and i'm not attacking you or calling you a "bad mom." I'm sure that in general you were very loving and supportive and your daughter does have this anxiety problem of her own. But you have to work with that too.

I know my parents did not protest when i blamed them for my brother's death because they knew it was useful for me to blame someone rather than accepting that life just gets out-of-control sometimes and tragedies happen. That's a scary truth for a youngster, for anyone, of any age.

So they just let me be and i'm grateful for that. Now i'm in a safe place and can have a more balanced view of my parents. I say now merely that they "played a role" in my brother's death, not that they were murderers, tho i sometimes lapse back into blame when i'm cranky.

Perhaps my POV is more about me than you. Again, i'm certainly not implying that you were a "bad mom" or that you intentionally harmed your daughter and i'm not taking sides but living with a bipolar parent has got to have it's disadvantages and you say your daughter is uber-sensitive also so perhaps she *is* having an out-of-proportion reaction but it's best to co-operate with her in it as you don't know what her experience is.

I know i appreciated my mom's respect for my own judgment of what was best for me at the time, even tho she did not understand. And i know you don't mean it when you call your daughter "selfish." I feel you're just angry and it's okay to be angry here where it's anonymous and a place to vent but please don't spread it around elsewhere in your life. That's certainly not gonna help things any.

Well, i'm not a mom, but i am a daughter, so i am only speaking for *my* experience of *my* mom and i don't mean any offense. You've certainly been a good friend to me here and i don't want to alienate you and all your loving support.

Feel free to take what you like and leave the rest!

[Soupe du jour]

I saw my psychiatrist today. We were clearly on the same page about the change I needed in my medications. Some here may recall that I figured that a small increase of Lamictal was best. I didn't even have to suggest that. He did. I feel quite fortunate that he seems to understand my situation and needs, despite the short time I've been in Czech Republic. He gave me an appointment just two weeks from now, for follow up. Again, I seem quite lucky finding him.

I know that a therapist is again necessary. Luckily I finally meet a new one on September 6. I'm hoping he'll be a good fit. I've historically struggled more finding therapists than psychiatrists, for some reason. I've had male therapists before, but my last several ones were females.

I called my Dad a bit ago. It was long overdue, and I know I should reach out more often. The sadness is that he's only a shell of what he used to be. He's become so cognitively declined.

Sending hugs to all. I realize many here are struggling with various challenges, right now. If there is anything that can be done to alleviate your stress, in a healthy way, please do it. We must sometimes say "No" to certain things. It's OK to do so. Necessary to do so, sometimes. It's not the end of the world to do so.