Bipolar check-in #62

@wildflowerchild25 and @BethRags and all:

I'm sorry for my previous post about me being a crisis junkie. It was hurtful years ago when i was in crisis at the time and the doctor said it. It was not helpful. Upon reflection, years later when i was long stable, i came to see that it was true, but it was damaging at the time and Tara i am sorry if i have added to your pain.

I'm not sure of what I think anymore about life after death. I feel like my wife has been by my side since she passed not all the time but every so often I feel that way. Right after she passed I was on her phone trying to figure out some stuff well this one icon on her phone flashed at me and it was the app she used to pay our rent. It has never flashed again. Then like today I was going to my parents and feeling depressed well I am a total car guy and I was waiting at the stop light and right next to me was a brand new McLaren right next to me. Well my dad and I ran up to get some food and coming the other way was a bright green Lambo followed by like six different Porsches. I know she is looking out for me but I would still rather she be here with me. I sure do miss her a ton. Thank again for all the support you all have given me it really makes my day reading through here.

I thought things were going ok. I was reflecting on how the higher dose of Seroquel has helped me manage things better. But today I had a set back. I was feeling somewhat ok earlier, but as the day progressed, I became very irritable, impulsive, saying things to people that I wish I could take back, and feel the need to stay up all night into the morning hours. I had a break down and lost it on the phone with someone, which was embarrassing. I want to lock myself in a room alone tomorrow and so badly want to turn off my mind that just races. I don't really know what's going on. I don't really know why I'm typing this here... I just don't know what else to do or have anyone I am able to share this with.

I guess the 8AM blood test on Monday is a coritsol blood test. I'm not really sure what he is looking for. I don't think I've ever had one done before.

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But I feel more postive then I did yesterday about everything. I hope this change really is postive and paves the way for me going back to my 2016-fall 2019 stable self where I was working part time without an issue and I just felt and was very stable mental health wise. And I hope when I go back on it things are still stable.

Thinking of you and wishing you well

I woke up crying and have had periods of sobbing but I am having periods of peace as well. I realize that this is for the best and I have to love and value myself enough to walk away and keep walking. I lost my best friend as well as my love so it’s been a double whammy. When will I be over it? I don’t know.

It's been a very unhappy day for me, so far.

I was trying to "get used to" the things that bother me the most, but then thought, "Maybe I shouldn't be trying to get used to it. These are things I care a lot about! Maybe I should be DOING SOMETHING about it."

The problem is that I don't know anything to do that is guaranteed effective, that might not just make it worse.

This is how to be tormented by your own mind.

Maybe what I need to accept is that with things being this way, caring greatly about something, wanting to do something, but not knowing what to do--I am just going to be unhappy all my life. Feels like it right now.

I'm not thinking of quitting, my life or this group, but I can't think of anything encouraging to say to anybody.

If I somehow feel better I'll post again ASAP.

EDIT TO ADD that I already had one positive thought. When you're stuck like that, not having anything to do except what might be more harm than help, that's when you kind of have to just get used to it, right? Maybe I can, maybe I can't, but it's a positive thought instead of the circular stuff.

Could be completely different but when I had an 8am one done for cortisol I’m pretty sure they were looking for Cushings….

I looked up the test last night to see what they could be looking for and I saw Cushings but I also saw something called Addisons disease and I asked my mom to humor me and look up the symptoms and she said there are a lot of similarities to the stuff I'm dealing with.

So we'll see.

Let it take the time it takes. No rush. You have shown that you have a lot of capacity to make healing happen. Be proud of yourself!

I am delighted to report that it's becoming apparent that the best attitude for me towards food is indifference. Ever since i stopped caring about dieting i just get healthier and healthier! My bathroom habits are normal. That's a tremendous improvement for me. I don't graze anymore. I go hours without eating, effortlessly. I eat three meals and maybe one snack at appropriate meal times. I have my favorite foods which i eat regularly and i am untroubled about them. I feel as i did as a child, when i was so thin and healthy and ate according to my desires and food was just a small easy part of life!

Later in griefshare they'll talk about some people finding weird little connections. We did with my family member. Pennies everywhere. Not like he spilled pennies, just we'd move something and there would be a penny, or walk into a room and there'd be a penny, even though there hadn't been one before. It went on all through cleaning his house and the last was in his car when my mom took it to sell it.

My daughter got ahold of me tonight and boy howdy she should be a psychologist. By the time she was through with me there was no emotional pain, no desire to renew the relationship and a list of areas for me to work on for myself. I feel hopeful, excited and relieved. Moving on now. God bless that young woman. I love her so and I appreciate her wisdom.

I hope everyone has a peaceful Sunday

What an uplifting post. so happy she was able to help you.
What is her area of study?
just curious.
bizi