Bipolar check-in #63

Well, I vacuumed, so good. I'm feeling very anxious. I have been doing well with anxiety, but yesterday seems to have reminded my mind and body about anxiety. I took an extra Gabapentin, hoping it will calm me a bit. The anxiety gets so severe that I begin to feel delusional. I have a telehealth appointment with my psychiatrist on Tuesday. I can never dare hope for any help from her, but I guess I am hoping that she'll agree to increase the Zoloft and the Gabapentin, since I've been doing so well on them. Tomorrow I'm scheduled to see my therapist. I hope that happens as planned.

They used to but now they serve pretzels or cookies because of peanut allergies. The cookies are really good ones. They sell them at Walmart. Our family calls them "airplane cookies".

Are they the biscoff ones?

Yes, I think so. Silver wrapper, I think red print.

Nothing can scare me

I WENT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I showered this afternoon and was again struck by how much better i look with my hair growing in. I haven't been out in weeks, it's so uncomfortable with the mask. But i just decided i'd see how far i could get. I made it all the way to my favorite diner downtown and had their chocolate chip pancakes that i've been craving!

It actually wasn't that great but i got to rehearse the bus route i will take later this week to get my dog groomed and spotted a better place to wait for her than the one i had in mind. So it was still worthwhile.

It was two buses there and two back. It went smoothly and i am feeling stronger and more confident in myself that i managed the trip so well.

See Jane: NOT helpless!!!

I was on all kinds of psych meds when I was younger but like 5 or more years ago my doc took me off almost all of them and put me on Lithium and another med but I can't remember what it was. Then like a year or two later my doc retired and his replacement took me off that other stuff and put me on Latuda and I started that around 2012 or so and that was the only psych med I have been on until my wife passed away in November and I lost my insurance coverage.
My regular doc put me on a new psych med I cant remember what it but no have been on it a couple of weeks now cause I could no longer afford Latuda cause even with my new insurance it was still like $1500 a month. The place in am going with this is that when I was on all those meds I went inpatient 4 time in the first year of being on all those medications and a couple of times a year afterwards. I have not been inpatient since going to less medications and none after taking Latuda as my only psych medications.

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@otroo

24 years! That's wonderful!

I think you'll make it through everything life throws at you.

I love my kid she really gets me. She called me today and wanted to come over to watch a movie this week and I told her I was not in the mood and before I could say anything she goes the house is dirty huh? Lol she caught me and before I responded back to her she goes I will be over on Wednesday and we will clean then.
To be fair my house is messy but not a pig pen. I have not cleaned it since November when my wife passed away. I don't have dirty dishes or anything like that and the reason is cause I eat a lot of my meals at my parents and when I eat here it is microwave meals and I use plastic silverware lol. Now I have a stack of stuff on my stove top and every time I try to clean it I get so depressed that I start to cry.
I also reached out to my mother in law today and asked her if I could bring my dog over to her place tomorrow to give her a haircut cause she has the whole setup and she said yes. I have a hard time talking to some of my friends and family cause they remind me of my wife and it is hard to handle but I am working on it. It will all take time and I know that I mean I still cry like 10 times a day and I cry myself to sleep 3 or 4 times a week it sucks but it is what it is.
The other thing is my memory is horrible since my wife passed away. I don't remember how I found it but I came across a article about what they call Widows brain and it described me to a T. It is a interesting read if you want to kill some time go check it out.

Thanks all and I hope you all have a great rest of your day and may you have a great week.

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I went back something like 3 times to my last man. There were still the same problems every time I went back to him. I don't think it works to go back to someone if no one has changed, and change is so unlikely.

Maybe there's someone out there who will be far better for you.

Thanks in appreciate it. Heck I quit smoking cigarettes and weed Dec 18th a month after my wife passed and I am amazed I was able to do it with all that stress. It did not hurt though that I was so sick when I quit those lol.

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When I was younger, if I got tense and/or shaky for no reason, I used to be able to tell myself, "There is no fire," and calm down.

Hmm, maybe I'll try that again next time. The anxiety seems to be more complicated now but maybe that's just B.S.

finished day 5 AF, thanks to the alcohol free beers.
bizi

Congratulations! Great job!

I hope your visit with the therapist goes as planned and that your psychiatrist ups your meds as well. Fingers crossed.

Way to go! I know that accomplishment felt good. You go girl!

My mom adopted a Norfolk terrier mix to replace her Yorkshire terrier of 18 years. The dog initially got along with my brother but ever since she saw him in a hat, coat and with cane she thinks he is an intruder and barks, growls and nips his calves. Since brother is up and down smoking all night, the dog is barking all night. I bought ear plugs and wished I’d used them last night as here it is around 2:00 and I’m up. No chance of going back to sleep. Frustrating.

I’m feeling stronger day but day and the healthy part of me is pulling ahead and gaining traction. Thank you for your support. Today would be a he$l no in getting back together. You’re right. There is someone out there who would be a better fit and who deserves my love. That’s the big thing. Somebody who deserves me.

Today is supposed to be 90% chance of rain so I think I’ll stay in aside from picking up groceries curbside at 7:00. I’ve got enough to keep me busy and my mind occupied for the day. Sister is coming by today with chicken chili and a chicken casserole. She told me she loved me yesterday. It’s been a long time as we’ve been estranged. It was nice to hear. One good thing about the breakup.

My therapist will work on fitting me in with a cancellation early this week and if not I’ll talk to her Friday. We’re meeting each week until I’m on firmer footing. She’s the one who got through to me finally and said to run away and not walk and that he is deeply disturbed. I really appreciate her, her care and concern. She calls me sweetie. It’s nice.

Hugs to all

Oh my gosh, I’ve just managed to catch up on everyone and I’m so incredibly sorry about Sid’s glucose levels! That sounds extremely stressful!! How are things now? And how are you doing??

I hope your therapy appt goes as well as possible and I’m glad you’ve got an appt with your pdoc to review meds!
Sending lots of hugs your way

That’s fantastic Jane!! I’m so proud of you!
That’s a lot of travelling- 4 bus journeys which is a lot of different stresses!
I’m glad it was worthwhile!

I’m sorry your sleep was disturbed! That sounds frustrating!
I think your doing amazingly well and staying so strong after your break up. Just keep swimming!
I’m glad you’re seeing your therapist weekly for now, that’s a really good idea, especially if they were the one that got through to you. I hope you get the cancellation earlier this week!
Sending lots of hugs

That’s so lovely about your kid and how they help you!
I hope you get everything tidied up together!
That’s really great that you managed to reach out to your mother in law about getting your dogs hair cut.
I can only imagine how hard that is.

I think you’re doing so well. Sending lots of hugs

I’ve been using The Unsinkable Bounce Back System from Sonia Ricotti to help me with this adversity. It’s helpful with all kinds of setbacks. I purchased it a couple of years ago. I wanted to mention that it has been a very helpful tool to have in my tool box. I’m also taking a course from DailyOM on how to move on from an unhealthy relationship. Good resources.

The Van Gogh Immersive Experience is already booked into late June and it only goes through July. Yikes! Hope I can slide in.

Hugs to all

I’m glad you’re finding the system helpful, hopefully it will continue to be helpful for you .
The Van Gogh experience sounds amazing! I hope you have a brilliant time!

My sister and niece went to the Van Gogh Immersive experience awhile back, they really enjoyed it. Hope you enjoy it if you go

I'm a big fan of him. I have a print of his Café Terrace at Night painting, that's one of my favorites of his. I still need to get it hung up in my living room. I also have a book about Van Gogh called Vincent and Theo: The Van Gogh Brothers by Deborah Heligman, it's really good I definitely recommend it.

I had an extremely bad panic attack and paranoia last night but I managed to get through it with some coping skills and was eventually able to go to sleep. I slept good, but slept too long and woke up with a headache which I usually do when I sleep too long. But I'm glad I slept because I only got 2 hours of sleep the previous night. I feel nauseous right now, I'm not sure why. I think it's because of taking my meds without eating enough. I ate before I took them but I have to eat a lot for some reason before I take them or I get intense heartburn. I had a rice cake with peanut butter and a granola bar before taking them but I guess that's not enough. I really need to make myself start eating a bigger breakfast because I hate when I get heartburn from my meds, it ends up lasting an hour or longer and it's bad because I take like 6 or 7 pills in the morning. I have GERD on top of that so it's not good. I just get in a rush sometimes and try to eat something quick but I can't keep doing that.

I'm going to try to get in to see the dentist this week for a cleaning/exam. Tomorrow I have a video appointment with my therapist. Things have been good for the most part, just the occasional episode of paranoia and sometimes panic attacks. But my mood is good and stable, and I stopped recklessly spending money since my mood stabilizer was increased. I've been taking my meds consistently.

My kitty is so sweet, she gets under the blankets with me when I'm sleeping and I wake up with her on/or next to me purring and in the morning she licks my nose to wake me up. Her carrier was delivered the other day. She LOVES it. She keeps hanging out in it and purring. I hope that means when it's time to take her to the vet in it to get spayed she doesn't freak out when I try to put her in it. It's one of those nice ones that has mesh sides and top so she can see out and the top and sides open with zippers. It's a lot better than the plastic crates I used to have for my previous cats. Those things were a nightmare to get them into, they hated them. I never realized until recently though that there were nicer ones that are less anxiety inducing to cats.

Here's a picture of her hanging out in it: