Bipolar check-in #64

I had a friendly discussion with a friend around 5:30 am and he ripped the scales away from my eyes on how I’ve been living my life. Painful. I’m not living in a healthy manner or one in line with my soul’s yearnings. In fact, I’m so sick of some of the stuff I’m enduring that it makes me want to claw my skin off. I’m sure it will lead to helpful epiphanies but right now it sucks.

I sat down with brother and mother and talked about moving out. I need to get sister out of my life as she is toxic and I need to build a life I love. They were emphatically against it. Of course. Still headed in that direction.

I’m slammed with stuff until Easter but I’m taking the week after off. Completely off. It will be stressful until then though. I hope I can manage it.

Hugs to all!

This kind of rage is hard to deal with. I've had vivid visions of doing similar things to someone - it's such an out of control feeling yet satisfying. As long as it's just thoughts and not plans. No doubt most people wouldn't understand and would treat us as if we were planning on doing these things.

I told my husband what was bouncing around in my head about my past. I'm glad I talked to him. I don't know how I feel.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 This kind of rage is hard to deal with. I've had vivid visions of doing similar things to someone - it's such an out of control feeling yet satisfying. As long as it's just thoughts and not plans. No doubt most people wouldn't understand and would treat us as if we were planning on doing these things.

Thank you so much for your supportive words, Moose. I had forgotten that "just thoughts" are okay. No, I will not act out my rage in any way - but it feels cathartic to imagine her helpless and apologizing to me, instead of holding her power over me. The other day, our final appointment, she kept yelling "I have a medical degree!" Yeah, but she has zero skills as a mental health provider. No support whatsoever. I look forward to a time when she will be a distant memory.

Last night I watched the (brilliant) movie "Boogie Nights"...it helped with my rage.

Again, thank you

Ugh, I'm tired again because no matter what time I go to bed I lie there for about 90 minutes before falling asleep. I'm not even thinking about anything in particular, not especially anxious, just don't fall asleep. Last night I took melatonin, but it didn't do anything. Neither does Seroquel (12.5mg) or ZzzQuil. I suppose the thing to do is not take any sleep aids for a week and see how it goes. I'm sure I've built up a tolerance to all 3 "remedies."

I have a cat tree with a round place at the top for a cat to curl up, it's in my front window. There are 2 little girls who live a few doors down and when one of the cats is in the tower the girls stop and say "Hi, kitty!" It's so cute

OMG, it will be 91 degrees today. Fans for sure, a/c possibly. Blah.

Swimming pools all around!

Could you try reading in bed? It is enough activity for being awake but tends to make me tired or just plain tired of reading so that I can fall asleep more easily.

Yeah I second moose’s suggestion. I get cozy’s to read in bed. Large print easy reading books that I occupy about 20-30 minutes before I turn off my lights. No thrillers or books that make me want to keep reading.

I used to read before sleeping, it was a routine. Then I started watching videos, shows, movies online. I will try reading again (I can't remember how it affected me last summer). Right now, I'm waiting for the library to have Anne Tyler's new book available for me to check out. That will be a good way to give reading a try. Thanks, Moose and Nammu!

I was actually just looking at my libraries online catloug and thinkining of going there tommorow. Maybe that will help me as well with my sleep. Somebody seems to be being greedy though since most of the Stephen King books are checked out and the guy has like what over 70 books written.

Ugh I hate hearing my mom tell my nephew how impressed she is by how much he eats and lists off all the stuff he ate the other day. I don't want him to think theres something wrong with it. I had the same comments made to me when I was a kid and sometimes those comments cause issues. Sometimes they don't though. The comments made about me make me be more particular about my weight as an adult. I just don't feel like commenting to an 8 year old about how much he eats is apropriate. I told my mom a few years ago that comments about what I ate and how I ate were off limits.

Had a job interview today for a position I really want. It went well! Here’s to hoping I hear something very soon!!

She’s beautiful. Glad she loves to play like that not all cats will. My daughters cat I think is truly a dog when he plays fetch !

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I hope you start to feel better quickly. I remember the night you went to the ER and they found PE. Scary. I’m so glad your listened to your gut when your inhaler didn’t help anything. Just take good care of you

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I’m so glad you are treating yourself better and realize you didn’t do such permanent damage. Good for you

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Ooh Beth I am so sorry your feel this way and so strongly but honestly I would feel exactly the same. She’s caused you TRAUMA ! The very people we should be able to depend on sometimes are more harm than help.

Again I’m so proud of you taking the bull by the horns and thrashing it away from you !!

How’s Sidney ?! Are you enjoying your new blanket ?!!

Much love lady

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I remember that I had a sharp pain in my chest and felt dizzy like I'd fall over when I stood up.

My inhaler did help last night.

I have seen you struggle so hard. I hate seeing you go through all of it. You so deserve stability and I think with hard work you will find it. Try and hang in there and work on finding effective coping skills

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I have watched you deal with layer after layer and layer of very difficult stuff, it is so good altho it hurts to see from someone else perspective that you need to make big changes in your life. Just realizing it is a huge help.

Great for you having hard talks with your Mom and Brother.

A week off sounds like a great treat for you

Almost Float time

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I really feel like you will ! Prayers you will !

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My sleep was mostly crap but my anxiety is high so it’s not unexpected.

My right side tooth on the bottom furthest back I lost about 5-6 years ago. Can’t be seen. And now eventually the left top furthest back will need to go so it will directly effect my ability to chew correctly. So good diet tool LOL , gotta laugh instead of cry. right ?

Well my hair was cut really well, my curls are much more defined and I’m not getting it stuck under me in bed like I was since I had about 8 inches cut off.

I’m having a case of the “I wants” retail therapy . UGH ! No funds dammit LOL

Anyway Hope everyone’s Thursday is bringing a smile about something

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I was actually just looking at my libraries online catloug and thinkining of going there tommorow. Maybe that will help me as well with my sleep. Somebody seems to be being greedy though since most of the Stephen King books are checked out and the guy has like what over 70 books written. Ugh I hate hearing my mom tell my nephew how impressed she is by how much he eats and lists off all the stuff he ate the other day. I don't want him to think theres something wrong with it. I had the same comments made to me when I was a kid and sometimes those comments cause issues. Sometimes they don't though. The comments made about me make me be more particular about my weight as an adult. I just don't feel like commenting to an 8 year old about how much he eats is apropriate. I told my mom a few years ago that comments about what I ate and how I ate were off limits.

I agree about not commenting to a kid (or anyone) about how much they do/don't eat. Food and eating should never be made into an issue, especially with a kid.

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Originally Posted by ~Christina Ooh Beth I am so sorry your feel this way and so strongly but honestly I would feel exactly the same. She’s caused you TRAUMA ! The very people we should be able to depend on sometimes are more harm than help. Again I’m so proud of you taking the bull by the horns and thrashing it away from you !! How’s Sidney ?! Are you enjoying your new blanket ?!! Much love lady

Thank you so much, Christina. Your friendship means so much to me.

THAT'S the word - trauma! Yes, that woman traumatized me. Exactly.

I love my bamboo blanket. It will be amazing on hot summer nights because it's light and silky.

Sidney is holding her own. We're still working with insulin dosage...still learning.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina My sleep was mostly crap but my anxiety is high so it’s not unexpected. My right side tooth on the bottom furthest back I lost about 5-6 years ago. Can’t be seen. And now eventually the left top furthest back will need to go so it will directly effect my ability to chew correctly. So good diet tool LOL , gotta laugh instead of cry. right ? Well my hair was cut really well, my curls are much more defined and I’m not getting it stuck under me in bed like I was since I had about 8 inches cut off. I’m having a case of the “I wants” retail therapy . UGH ! No funds dammit LOL Anyway Hope everyone’s Thursday is bringing a smile about something Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I would love to see a picture of your hair!

I've been thinking about getting my hair cut. It's way past my shoulders by at least 6 inches- maybe more. All I ever do is put it in a ponytail.

I need to get my hair cut too, my bangs are over my eyes. Got the wreath all taken apart and out in the garbage tonight. Next week I start taking apart the pine pot have to break it into thirds as we only have a small garbage can. Shame there’s no place to recycle the organic waste. We recycle everything else. Will have two birch logs, two bows and 6 pine cones. I can make my own pine pot next year as well as making a wreath. Got everything but the pine branches. I’m thinking Easter will be a good time to switch out the planter decorations. The cardinals are a bit too Christmas but my new flowers are a bit early for the weather as it snowed today.

Spent time today looking at “where’s spring” memes. Did a bit more shopping, not much but I felt I could afford the aroma therapy stuff I bought. Very excited for the roll on, a combo of lavender, bergamot and serotonin essential oils. I love that combo of scents. Don’t know how much I believe in the claims but love the scent. I do miss my apartment and being able to burn incense and candles. Mum is too paranoid of fire so I find it easier to just not burn anything. But I can still use perfume and essential oil’s.

Ohh that scent sounds amazing. I find lavender so relaxing! I use it as part of my pillow spray for sleeping at night.
I completely understand about your mum, my mum is the same with candles etc. I love burning candles, having a diffuser and burning incense in my house. But I can’t at hers so I tend to have the window open all the time for freshness.
I hope you enjoy the roll on!