Bipolar check-in #65

I am returning a little earlier than planned but my daughter wants to spend mother's day with me. We are going on a day trip in the Idaho Mountains. This is the route we are going to take. It will take us all day but it will be nice. I really miss my wife it is like I am in a nightmare and I can't wake up. The first couple of days on this trip I heard noise and they woke me up and I thought it was my wife in the bathroom. I waited for a little bit then I got up to see if she was ok then I realized the truth. Well I have not had any dreams of any kind since then.

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Last night was tough. I eventually put myself to sleep early for my own safety. This morning I feel depressed but I did have some relief from it for an hour or so. Things that I normally power right through are dragging me down. This whole negative paradigm is getting to me. I feel like I have a cold or flu of the brain. I hope this passes soon. There is very little support from my family that lives in town. I do a lot for them but the reverse is not true.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

The office called this morning to set up my procedure. They want me to do it tommorow afternoon but at another location. This location is one I'm not familiar with and its a lot bigger. But its after my therapy appointment so I can talk to her about my anxiety about it. Today I've just been tired and worn out despite sleeping fine last night. I know high hematricrit levels can cause fatiuge. I went to Walmart and got a couple compression shirts since they work good for anxiety and people with autisim. I've used them before but I haven't tried them since I had my surgery. My weighted vest is amazing but its not something I can easily wear outside my house even though it fits over my hoodies. But it sure does help with my anxiety. Anyways today I'm just kinda worn out physically but after taking the cut up valium for a couple days I now have enough to get through until the 7th. So I can go back to my regular amount and hopefully tommorow won't be too big of a deal.

And that email advertistment about Kate Spade is disgusting. How in the world did that get past anyone in marketing or advertising or any other position at Ulta without being caught.

Quick & Cute video of Bean (I hope it works I haven't uploaded a video to youtube in 10 years): Meow - YouTube

I'm doing alright. Got my valproic acid level done today. I hope they don't have to change my depakote dose because it's working pretty well. I haven't been manic since I got out of the hospital in February and I haven't been anything more than mildly depressed since last year.

I'm back at my mom's. I picked up my car from the shop yesterday. Feels good to have that bit of freedom back.

The platinum color suits so many women so well. I think Christina truly rocks that color. I've even seen young women in their 20s getting their hair dyed platinum. I've seen about four such young women here in CZ. It seems to be an "in" hair color. I don't see myself with that color yet, but my hair is lighter than its been for a while.

I think there are many facials that are mild on skin and even meant for people with sensitive skin. I think you have to go to a real specialist in giving facials. Not just anyone. And likely a very nice salon or spa. I have sensitive skin and have had good luck with most. As mentioned, though, some were much better than others. The one I mentioned at the spa was at an actual European health spa, a type not really found in the US. Some of it was even paid for by our insurance.

I'm feeling a little paranoid tonight, I feel like people in my building are talking about me and out to get me. I know it's just paranoia but it still sucks to feel that way, it's very uncomfortable

Kitties are starting to get used to each other, they were together the whole day today and didn't fight, Mustachio still runs after Maybelle and Maybelle hisses at her sometimes but for the most part they seem to be tolerating each other. Maybe someday they'll be friends.

Here's Maybelle playing with one of her new toys tonight (a catnip mouse, she loves the catnip toys), and they also got their hammock thing, Mustachio loves it

Yes that's my favorite Van Gogh painting. I still need to get it hung up in my living room, I keep forgetting but I'll add that to my to do list later this week and get it done finally

Catnip seems to make Maybelle relaxed, I'm not sure how it affects Mustachio as she doesn't really act any different with catnip toys. She plays with them but doesn't roll around and snuggle with them like Maybelle does. Maybe if I get some loose catnip she'll like that more , who knows lol

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I can’t do this. I got all freaked out bc I have to appeal my denial but I was supposed to do it writhing 30 days of receiving the letter and I don’t remember when I received the latter, in fact I don’t remember even receiving the letter, only RS does. So I’ve switched back into a frenzied mania but at least it’s only hypomania and it’s situational so it should resolve shortly.

But I’m so tired. So tired of the switching back and forth. I know it’s all reaction to uncovering trauma but I just…it’s so hard. My thoughts are totally racing now after being stopped up. I want to read, I can’t. I’m trying to watch tv but I can’t. I half finished a couple of things…I did one Guinea pig cage before losing interest and I did a third of the dishes before calling it quits.

Also I have no money but I do have an interview at the dollar store tomorrow lol. I can’t imagine they won’t hire me, they’re kind of desperate and I’m a perfectly responsible, capable human being. I don’t think it will be too much, I’m going to say I have to limit my hours. I can handle a four hour shift. I won’t make much but even $100 a week is better than $0.