Bipolar check-in #65

Our France trip is starting to come together. Hubby booked a couple flights, but they are still yet to be confirmed by the online agency since we plan to fly into one city, but fly out of another. We're sticking to areas around five cities in the western part of the country, with Bordeaux the furthest south. We also reserved an electric car for our time there to save money. It wasn't really more expensive than gas cars, but it will require a bit of planning to ensure it's sufficiently charged all along the way. The infrastructure for charging such cars is pretty good in France, but certainly needs even more modernization if all people will be driving electric cars in the future. I have ideas on perhaps what that could look like. The charging speed will need to be ultra rapid. I could even envision a system where you get the fees as part of a monthly bill, like any other electricity usage. Or even better, further down the line, just have the sun charging all cars sufficiently with a monthly or annual fee either just for the infrastructure or as part of an automobile fee (as we pay for car insurance). Some charging mechanism could even just be incorporated into roads (or tracks of sorts) so "stations" wouldn't be necessary. I scratch my head how a few billionaires are mostly joyriding up towards space, but most of the rest of us are still driving nonsensical automobiles that pollute so much. If Musk wants to do more, I wish he'd further investment in that realm rather than stupid Twitter.

This depression really sucks. I have been pretty much crying all day. I thought I had an appointment for my pdoc today and showed up on time the only problem is my appointment is not till next Thursday. I really need to be on an anti depressant and I need it now. The thing is it can take like a month to start working. I'm not suicidal and I have no plans to act on but my will to live is fading away and I am losing all my desires to live. If it was not for my kids I probably would not be here right now. I really wished I would of died from a broken heart that is how much it hurts. This stuff ain't fair.

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Oh horrors. Had an awful dream. I was in an English class and the teacher was trying to sabotage me cause she hated having a Deaf student who had an interpreter and a note taker. Plus in my dream I was on strong meds that made me sleepy. Ilr there were teachers that were uncomfortable with interpreters but none ever tried to sabotage me or took it personally except one art teacher who had a real personality problem. She liked to dominate her class and I didn’t dominate well. I didn’t know it at the time but she was not well liked but the other staff. She took me to a collage version of speaking to the principal. It was her me and my advisor ( who was also deaf) and interpreters. She came out looking rather bad. Thankfully there were only a couple weeks left to the semester.

But in grade school I had a teacher that wanted to fail me. She wanted me locked up in a state school. “Normal” kids shouldn’t have to be in a room with less that perfect kids. All she successfully did was. Insure I hate math and making no longer love school. But only her class. She told mum I belonged in an institution and mum tried to get her removed. She was fired the following year. I had really pissed her off by saying Americans weren’t first. In space. I didn’t understand why that pissed her off so much because it was a fact. The principal had me take tests, the tests I passed with flying colors allowed me to stay in mainstreamed classes. Fortunately I had no idea what was riding on those tests. But that teacher humiliated me whenever she could and isolated me. By 4th grade I thought I was dumb. Fortunately the teachers were better and I did fine after that except for math.

Anyway I think that was the reason for that dream. Interesting though the dream was English class, not math!

Stress can cause your blood sugar levels to be higher than normal. They’d have to really to a Hba1c test (measures your average level over past 3 months) or a glucose tolerance test to see if you have diabetes not just a one off test. Don’t stress too much about it.

Right now I’m at a crossroads: earlier this year I embarked on a very creative endeavor: a podcast, where I interview people about mental health. People who are suffering from the disorder, who have found strategies for managing it, etc.

I feel gripped by the KT Tunstall song “Suddenly I see” – this is what I wanna be. I really enjoy the whole process: the creative element, the technology, the storytelling, the connection. I feel a lot like I did in the late 1990’s, when I taught myself how to build Websites. This is before Facebook / Instagram, when you had to know HTML, JavaScript, CSS, etc. to post something online. Even if you used one of those primitive scary site builders like GeoCities.

The problem is I’m second guessing and doubting myself. Every night I toss and turn. It’s a pet project right now that’s not generating any $$$. “Why are you wasting your time?” “Who cares about what you or any of your guests have to say?” “Wow, must be nice to be the 956,301st podcast about mental health and wellness.”

When I’m preparing for the interviews, speaking with the guests, and editing the recordings I feel so alive. Then I check my email and there’s a million things from my “day job” that have piled up. For the first time in about 17 years I’m doing something I truly enjoy. The last time I started this type of journey – about 25 years ago, it ushered in one of the most productive, rewarding chapters of my life.

I could use any positive affirmations today from this amazing community, to help remind me that I’m using my time wisely. Even though it’s just a hobby right now, I think when passion, purpose, and project (management) are aligned, sky’s the limit.

Thanks all!

I got my haircut and it doesn't look too bad. I look like one of the designers on Project Runway. I may have outed myself as trans though because I said to the stylist "I just want a haircut for a guy someone my age." And I probably should have just said " I want a haircut for someone my age" because when I asked about styling products she mentioned one that smelled very mascuiline. She was super nice though. She asked if I was in school. I said no. She asked if I was finished with school. I said no I wasnt in school. I knew she was curious so I told her I was 29 and she said "oh you have such a baby face! You probably get that all the time!" Yeah, if I had a $1 every time someone said how young I looked vs my actual age I'd be rich. I hate making small talk with hair stylists.

Anyways as soon as I got home my doctors office called. I guess they are kinda concerned about blood clots more then the ER was and want me to be seen by my regular doctor. Especially since I've been having cramps and pain in my right leg too. Today I've been just totally out of breath and feeling wiped out doing the smallest tasks. I cleaned my room and felt like I ran a marathon and I had to sit down and chug a bottle of water and I was just so out of breath. I also woke up breathing hard. My appointment is tommorow morning since I can't make it today. They said if I get chest pains again to go to the ER. But I do not want to go there again. So I'm hoping to hold on but I have these pins and needles in my feet and some cramping in my legs and I'm light headed and very tired. But I'm just hoping for the best because the ER on Friday was not fun and the doctor didn't seem to do much.

Just an emergency note here. I’ll probably not be here. We’re packing to go to Rochester to stay with my sister. Mum is having emergency eye surgery in the morning. My sister doesn’t have internet

I'm short of breath again and my blood pressure is actually pretty low. I normally run a bit high. I think its only been low once before that I can remember. I am also pretty hot but I am under a throw blanket currently and despite them being only $16 at Hot Topic they are really hot. I'm glad I got this remote control tower fan while they were still in stock. I'm just gonna lay low tonight and hopefully get enough sleep. My mom won't turn on the air so I'm in the dark with the curtains closed and the fan on the second setting. I think I'll take it easy on the blankets tonight and not be under 23 pounds of them. I have therapy on Wednesday and I'll have the phelbotomy procedure to talk about and now this. I feel like she says the same stuff all the time because all I talk about are my health issues and she has run out of things to say to me. I'm finding her more and more useless and just someone to unload on once a week.

Yeah I have thought about finding one I even asked my insurance company like last month if the could help me find one.

My daughter and I started messaging each other earlier today and we did that for a very long time and that put me in a happy place for a little while. When the weather starts to get nicer I am definitely going on a lot of motorcycle rides. When I am riding it takes my mind off of my wife not all the time but long enough to not think about her and get depressed. This trip is why I have really decided to get back into truck driving.

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