Bipolar check-in #65

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I’m still feeling baseline, this is day 4. I’m so happy. It’s an odd feeling, though, when you’ve been back and forth for so long and suddenly you’re stable! I think the vraylar may have been more trouble than it was worth. I remember it not working when I was put on it back in 2017 either. It did not help my depressed episode at all and in fact that’s when I believed my brain was trying to kill me and forcing me to look up methods. I’m also not as hungry already. Still hungry but I don’t feel like I’m going to be sick and pass out every 2 hours. So brain zaps aside I feel it was worth it to come off. It has a very long half life so it will take 3-4 weeks to get out completely and I hope to continue to recover from the side effects. The weather is gorgeous after the weekend’s terrible rain, wind, and cold temperatures. We walked a mile yesterday. We’ll walk again this whole week. I signed us up for the NAMI walk and it’s in two weeks. I didn’t know it was a 5k! That’s around 3 miles lol. We’re gonna be tired from that! My SIL called me last Sunday and I was able to express to my brother the importance of getting our mom out of her house ASAP. Her hoard has increased exponentially since I’ve been over there last. It’s becoming an unsafe situation for her. It’s a fire hazard, if a fire were to start downstairs I’m not sure she would make it out. She’s so isolated and depressed, it’s so sad. She won’t invite anyone over because she knows her house is terrible. *I* don’t even want to go there anymore, and I certainly don’t want my son there. It’s in terrible shape in terms of maintenance as well, we’re going to have to sell it as a flip house. If someone want to flip it and fixes it up really nice they could make a pretty penny, it’s a 4 bedroom 2 bath house in the best part of town and the kids go to the best school in the district living there. My mom has wanted to move for ages, she knows she’s unable to maintain the house, but it’s too hard for her to do it on her own. I’m glad my brother is finally on board with helping her out. I know he hasn’t accepted her treatment of him as a child yet but if he can do this he’s taking a step in the right direction.

It sounds like stopping the Vraylar was a very smart move. I get it, I felt that way with Seroquel. Ugh, yes...feeling like you're sick and going to pass out every 2 hours if you don't eat. I hear ya.

Kudos to you for signing up to do the NAMI walk!

Ohh, I so feel for you with regard to your mom. Mine was a hoarder, too. She was always going to "go through the boxes" of all sorts of crap. The hoarding dragged her life down to the ground. So sadly, she died never having "gone through" or thrown out anything. It was left to my sisters and I to toss it all. Very little was actually worth keeping. And we had constantly worried about fire. My mom's hoarding is, I'm sure, why I nearly panic if I feel like I am acquiring too many things. I actually need more than I have.

Anyway, it's a big accomplishment that you spoke with your brother about the situation. Once the house is sold do you know where your mom will live?

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Yeah it was in the morning and he was late and then I had to come back 1.5 hours later for a couple tests which took awhile. Then they wanted me to wait at the office for the results. So it was pretty much an all day ordeal. I guess it could have been worse though because for the ultrasound she had me take my shorts off most of the way which I was not expecting and luckily I was wearing dark red Hollister boxers and not my boxers with the cartoon eggplants on them.

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Originally Posted by dsmith Does anyone here get really angry at their brain? Let me explain: I’m unable to sleep at night. This is usually exacerbated by consumption of alcohol, sugar, social media, negative information and (usually) a combination thereof. I struggle through the day knowing that there are a million things I need to be doing. Even now, writing these thoughts out: I keep wanting to take a break and check Twitter / Instagram / LinkedIn to see if I’ve picked up any more followers / likes / comments. It’s maddening. This morning I woke up at 5:30, meditated for about 20 minutes, got dressed, got my kids ready for school, took them in, then came home and have been waffling for the past 2 hours. It’s like there’s a million things I need to do that are all piling up, but my brain has no access to them. My brain keeps telling me: “nah man, you’re good. Post that article on Twitter; engage with that random person.” Meanwhile, bills are piling up, deliverables are not getting delivered, and I’m getting more and more stressed out. I really hope I can turn the tide. I keep wasting my life and eventually it’s all going to catch up to me.

From what I've read, you're situation is definitely not an unusual one.

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Originally Posted by Scooter9 Today is my sister's birthday. She would have been 56. It's almost hard to believe that she's been gone almost 6 years now. I still miss her. My mother is having a tough day today because she misses her daughter so much too. I'll write a special entry in my journal today - I'll write to her directly. I had to take a Klonopin today because my anxiety was really bad yesterday and I wanted a break from it today. I'm only taking 1 about every 5 days now.

I'm sorry that this date is a rough one for you. My sister's birthday would be this month, too. She died 3 1/2 years ago. I think writing to your sister in your journal is such a nice idea.

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Originally Posted by Pinny Hi everyone! I hope you are doing as well as possible and if you’re not, I’m sending so many hugs I got back from my trip away at the weekend. It was just a short few days but it was lovely, I spent a lot of time on the beach. I went straight into twilight shifts which I’ve just finished tonight. Unfortunately I had to get a new phone (I’m having no luck with technology lately, first my laptop, then my phone). But I have one! I still need to replace my laptop at some point. I’m doing ok but feeling very anxious at times for reasons I can’t always identify immediately. I keep having trembling episodes where I can’t stop my hands from shaking and feeling very nervous. My doctor messed up my prescriptions so I’m running out of my meds this week unless they sort something. I’m very anxious about that too. I’m just very anxious in general. The only time I really relax is If I drink alcohol and I can’t exactly do that all the time. Even when I sleep (which is still excessive) I’m tossing and turning and having nightmares/weird stressy dreams. Here’s hoping things get better for all of us! Well I hope you all have a lovely evening/ night!

It sounds like your trip was lovely. I'm so glad! Terribly sorry about the anxiety, though. Ugh. I really hope you can straighten out your prescriptions, Pinny. Not having meds won't be any good, at all.

The universe blessed me with a nap so I could function better for the late afternoon and evening. I awoke feeling rather down, though. I'm sure not being able to keep appointments with my therapist is in great part why I feel down. This happens continually with her, from the time we met 3 years ago. Although she was never a smoker she has serious lung issues. And she's 71. Every time we really get rolling with my therapy she's out for a week - or more. Yet, we connect so well. It's a stressful problem.

There must be something in the situation for me to learn.

I'll be complaining all summer about the heat, yet we're having some kind of weirdo cold spell that is not having a positive effect on me. Chilly, windy, cloudy...God, if it would just rain. But it doesn't. The nights and mornings have been chilling; this morning I piled a bunch of random clothing on my body, and heavy socks, and still couldn't warm up. But by the week-end I think it will be sunny and probably very warm.

I still haven't received my blanket, but Amazon refunded the $ to me. If it happens to show up I can keep it. This happened last year with a blanket. It finally did show up a week late. Pssss.

Alright, dear ones. If I have anything to say about it I will be in bed on time tonight. I hope Nammu is doing well - and speaking of Nammu, I'm going to watch an episode of Call the Midwife

Hugs all around!

About a month ago I fell and landed hard on my knees.

They are still sore when I get up and down for my work.

happy birthday jenn!
bizi

Miguel moves out tomorrow. I got my injection and meds today. I took (legalized drug) Monday after everyone left. Don't really know how I feel about it. It made me loose chunks of time. My stomach has been upset since but I was also informed I have not been eating lately maybe 1x a day. My ed voice is back but not strong yet. I don't see my T until next week but I really want to do it again. I think anything to pass time. My extended family has nothing but negative things to say about getting a Service Dog. My husband feels if I get one I'm 'replacing' him because I won't be as dependent on him. (I have so many things to say about that but wont) My dad says a lot of ****. My nephew says I already have replacement for my ESA dog which is so unfair and untrue. If I do get a SD dog it's a long plan like a year out to get the dog and 2 years to train. It's like people don't understand how hard it is to save money on my income. Sure others can talk about things and just go buy whatever, fix whatever but I have to save my pennies to get my goals. It's so disheartening. We have a lot to work on if he wants to keep me relying on him. I don't know, everything feels like it's falling apart.

Happy Birthday

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Steve worked on one of the concentrators today .. he’s still tearing it down step by step. I checked his oxygen a few times while he slept and he was running 90-92 which is low but not critical.

My rheumatologist always checks ANA , sed rate and cortisol level panel, CBC and additional kidney , thyroid and liver functions. PsA meds require close blood work monitoring.

I usually get results next day. So if there’s any med change we will do it by phone. I hope it’s just a random flare of pain and not Xeljanz dying on me.

Always something !!! And tomorrow will be 90 !!!! Way too early for this heat

How’s Sidney? All your fur babies ?


Just read your other post. Do not beat yourself up about Sidney’s dose. You are doing fine.

I’m sorry that you’re T is out so much. Wish that would improve.

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Do you think you should get X-rays?!!

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We’re trying to convince her to rent a condo or apartment in a 55+ Community. All she needs is two bedrooms since she does like having my son over. She wants a better relationship with my niece too but as I said, it’s impossible right now. We want her in as small a space as possible because it will be easier for us (probably just me, let’s be real) to help her clean up and get rid of stuff should she begin to hoard it out again. Which I believe she will do as she will not go to therapy to address anything at all.

I feel like we need to get her settled somewhere first and get her out, and then we can clean the house out without her around. Most of her stuff is junk but I know she will assign value to all of it. I mean at this point even the furniture is trash. Maybe my son’s old bed is ok. That’s about it.

I feel you on the panic thing about stuff though. If things are looking cluttered around here I get upset and start tossing things. Then later I realize that I actually needed it but I didn’t want to lay eyes on it anymore. Then I have to buy a new item.

Not sure if this is your knee issue, but several years ago I injured mine from a bad fall during a mixed mania, receiving a diagnosis of prepatellar bursitis. It took a few years, but they eventually healed. I hope yours heal quickly and thoroughly. Luckily as my moods are stable and some med side effects eased, I am less prone to accidental injuries, an issue not often discussed in terms of bipolar disorder.

@Jennifer 1967, Happy Belated Birthday! I now remember there also being another May baby. I'm one, too.

@Pinny, it's nice to read you that you had a lovely trip. I hope your medication shortage is solved, quickly.

@Miguel'smom, it's an important milestone in Miguel's life to become more independent. I hope it works out well in the early months.

@Jennifer 1967
Happy birthday!

So your lungs were ok though? How’d they find the thyroid if they were checking lungs?

Yeah my lungs were fine I guess. I'm not sure how they found the thyroid. All they said was I had a nodule on my thyroid they wanted to get checked out. Hopefully I get some of my questions answered oday because swallowing is really annoying. I also have my one week hematricrit blood test in a bit. So hopefully that level has gone down so its one less thing to worry about.

Happy Birthday @Jennifer 1967!

The hunger has diminished significantly. I was able to go for 3.5 hours before getting super hungry again which is normal for me. Im hoping to start losing the weight I gained soon. After my hormones settle down, that is.

My concentration is getting better too. I was able to read the rest of my book last night, which honestly wasn’t a good thing because if I read too long in the evening I get overstimulated and I can’t sleep. As a result I did not sleep until midnight with the aid of seroquel so I’m very tired.

I’m STILL in PHP and I’ve had it. I think today is my last day. I can’t take being there until 3pm anymore! IOP will be much better, 3hrs 3x a week. I hope I start tomorrow being able to leave at 12:30. They said this week…

If I can get a second wind of energy I will be cleaning out my car when program ends today. I’m taking my mom to a belated Mother’s Day lunch on Saturday and she won’t be able to sit in the car thanks to all my son’s STUFF! The backseat just gets full of his things, I don’t even know how!

If depression were a car, take away the breaks and put a brick to the accelerator and that's a mixed episode. Just thought of that one on my hike today (no pics, sorry). It's becoming more apparent that I'm heading for mixed. I was super irritable with my therapist this morning. I couldn't sleep for the life of me. I did not get to meet my ACT person so maybe next week. My T has really been pissing me off lately.
I'm really obsessing over hiking. I'm planning my first 4000'er in a couple years. There's still snow/ice at elevation so gotta bring the spikes!

Sapien I hope you’re able to find calm. Mixed episodes are pure hell, and almost always the cause of hospitalization for me.

Today has been a real struggle. As I’d mentioned in a previous post – I started a podcast at the beginning of this year. I love doing it, on a number of levels:
1. The connections I form
2. The conversations I have
3. The editing
4. The creation of content that (I think) is compelling and resonates with a broad variety of audiences

Unfortunately, it’s been challenging for me to commit to it fully. I have a day job that aligns closely with my interests – digital marketing – but the subject matter is less interesting than my primary passion: mental health.

I’m going through “emotional whiplash:” talking to people about the podcast, researching guests, editing and creating the audio and video is a real high, and puts in me into a state of flow. However, there is often also a letdown:
1. Typically the content gets very little engagement – maybe 2-3 likes on the different social media platforms, and hardly any downloads. So it’s a blow to my ego, especially when people out there posting images of their cats / pizza become social media superstars.
2. Once I’m done with it, there’s a sense of emptiness, until I land the next guest.
3. I toss and turn at night, wondering why I’m wasting my time doing this when the impact is so limited. I should be focusing on my day job, which I’ve let slip continuously.

Also, it’s pushing me to keep social media on 24/7: I have to post a comment, or engage in a conversation that might help drive traffic to my podcast. Even now, as I write this update, I’m resisting the strong gravitational pull to check Twitter / Instagram for comments on my content / things I can engage with.

I’m trying to apply mindfulness: taking a deep breath before I succumb to the urge to open any of these apps on my iPhone / browser.

It’s a struggle. Thanks for all your support; any recommendations / feedback is very welcome.

Hello I’m back.

The clinic Wi-Fi wasn’t working so I couldn’t sign on there. Mum’s regular eye dr thought she saw bleeding in her eye. But it turned out to be fluid build up, macular degeneration, one eye wet one eye dry. But it was caught early. Thank goodness. She has to go in for injections in the eye for three months then another evaluation. She may need the injections for the rest of her life they can’t say yet. It was a good clinic experience over all. Mum was an emergency appointment so I thought we’d have to be waiting for a long time. But no. All the appointments were on time and. The doctor was very nice. A female dr. She asked her nurse to go get her a mask with a clear section so I could see her lips. And went though it all again with me since I care for mum. That was really nice. I see why they have a good reputation and are listed as number one in USA.

Happy birthday Jennifer, belated but merry! 🎂

Christina, I hope you get Steve’s oxygen straightened out soon. Can’t have you worried about that on top of everything else. Hope your weather straightens out too and you start getting relief. IFS sound intriguing keep us updated!

Beth hope you get a free blanket. Life is the free little things that happen. You deserve it!

Wildflower congratulations on baseline stability! Yay! 😁

Aw Pinny. Sorry about the dips, yeah tech! Can’t live without it anymore!

Scooter sending warm vibes for your grief

To everyone thanks for the warm wishes and good vibes.

Cookies for all. My sister sent homemade chocolate chip cookies 🍪 so help yourself

Had a pretty good morning but as soon as I got home the depression starts kicking in. I might have to sell my home and move into an apartment or something. My wife and I lived here 22 years. When I am not here the depression is not as bad. The long motorcycle trip that I just back home from last Thursday put me at being gone for 21 days and those were pretty good days with depression only kicking in at the hotel rooms in the evenings. I rode 5736 miles on that trip and I dedicated that ride to the memory of my wife she really loved riding motorcycles. It was something we started late in life but we enjoyed every moment of it. I had a custom Christmas ornament made a couple of years ago and my wife really loved it. I had it made into a tattoo yesterday and it came out great. The artist talked me into changing just a few minor things in regards to some of the colors and I took him up on his suggestions. I really love the way it turned out. I had the border changed and he came up with the chain around it. It took almost 2 hours to get it done and it actually hurt the most out of any other ink I have had done but it has also been like 9 years since my last one lol and this has the most detail out of any other work I have done. I have an appointment tomorrow with my pdoc and I hope this guy can get his act together this is the third time I have seen him and I actually kind of like him. The problem is he does not get back to me if I call with a problem with like my medications. I have only called him twice over the last 3 months since I started seeing him but he has never gotten back to me and I don't call back cause I don't want to bother him and I don't want to hunt down people to do their jobs. He is one of the only male therapist that I have been able to open up to. All but one of my past pdocs have all been female since I was like 20 and I'm 48 now lol. I really am hating this depression no pun intended but it is really bringing me down. If I could get paid to ride motorcycles my life would be perfect that's why I am thinking of going back into truck driving. I am thinking of becoming a garbage man here until my oldest dog passes away I can't bear to put her down cause she is old and blind but she still acts young. Life just f ING sucks right now and I hate it. I have a men's group that we meet every other week for dinner and I was thinking about canceling tonight because I am depressed but I have changed my mind cause I think it will do me good to get out of the house. Thanks for taking the time to read this I greatly appreciate everyone in here. I wish I would support more of you like you have I i just don't really know how.