Bipolar check-in #67

I don't think I can make it through this. I feel like I've called the crisis line too many times and they don't really know how to help me.

Right now is gonna be hard, no such thing as calling a crisis line too many times, you are in crisis. The hard thing is that it’s got to be gotten though, and there’s not much anybody can do but hold your hand. That’s what they are there for. Call em if you need to, it will get better.

I hate calling the crisis line. I have to always leave a voicemail and get a call back 20 minutes later and I'm always scared they're gonna be like "oh it's just Boots, nothing we can do to help her so we won't call back" but they do call back but it never helps.

edit: she just told me to try and learn a new song on the keyboard and do some writing. The problem is these people try to find quick and easy solutions but NOTHING will make me feel better.

Boots, You are so courageous to go through this. I bet that the crisis line people are really thinking how good it is that you are reaching out when you need help and that you are doing so well. You can worry about needing them less later but right now you do NEED them and that is why they are there. That's the whole point of ACT isn't it? To provide supports to help you stay out of the hospital. And you're doing that, so you are doing really well. I know it doesn't feel like it but you are.

They mostly wanna make sure you’re staying safe. Minute by minute you are choosing to stay safe and. I’m so proud of you!

Day 10 of not drinking my fattening beers, have lost a few pounds water weight I know but still fun to watch go down. I am drinking these AF beers that have 10 calories a "beer" had 6 today and that was a total of 2.4% of alcohol, which is less than Half of a budweiser beer.
bizi

I started PT today for a foot injury. The ultrasound felt so good. The exercises, which I've been doing, hurt. But he's not making me do the exercise that hurts really badly. It's too irritated to tolerate that one. I like this PT place. It's where I went after my ankle reconstruction surgery. They did a good job. I am a little anxious because I'm scheduled with a PT assistant next week that I remember not being impressed by the last time around. But hopefully that's all the times I'll see him. I am hoping i only have to go for a few weeks. I don't need to add more medical bills to my total but I also need to get this foot healed as it hurts.



I've been sleepy since I got home from my sister's last week. I have been falling asleep much earlier than usual and without any awareness I'm about to fall asleep. It's weird but I think it's just coming down from the stress.

I'm very proud of myself. I've lost 7 lbs in the last 8 weeks. Slow but steady. I was at my highest weight ever and now I'm below my prior highest weight ever (if that makes sense).

Hugs to those who need them

Just checking in -- had a really good week, feeling optimistic. Nothing really new in my life but I feel motivation to make some positive changes.

Beth, are you ok? Been thinking about you

I'm not doing well tonight. It's midnight. I'm having a horrible panic attack right now and am shaking and feel like my doctor is trying to poison me and people are out to get me. I have a bag of ice cubes and am trying to make the cold get me to focus on anything other than my anxiety and Idk, I just want it to stop , I don't think I'm gonna get any sleep tonight

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Had no idea roller skates 🛼 were so complicated. Back in the day my friends and I would just go to a skate barn and rent a pair for the night, or go bowling 🎳 I read in the paper that one of the closest remaining skate barns burned down in 2020 and because of covid they didn’t rebuild so I don’t know where kids go now days. There was a teenager in our neighborhood that had roller blades and skated everyday there was no snow.

It's true, they weren't complicated back in the day. And who thought of protective gear? Pffft. I think skate parks really created roller skating as a legit sport and with that, all of it has been taken more seriously (such as injury prevention).

I wonder if what you call a skate barn is what I know as a roller rink? There are still rinks around these parts - sure wish there was one in this town.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird I'm not doing well tonight. It's midnight. I'm having a horrible panic attack right now and am shaking and feel like my doctor is trying to poison me and people are out to get me. I have a bag of ice cubes and am trying to make the cold get me to focus on anything other than my anxiety and Idk, I just want it to stop , I don't think I'm gonna get any sleep tonight

Oh, no...any idea what happened to set off the paranoia and panic?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Right now is gonna be hard, no such thing as calling a crisis line too many times, you are in crisis. The hard thing is that it’s got to be gotten though, and there’s not much anybody can do but hold your hand. That’s what they are there for. Call em if you need to, it will get better.

This, Boots ^^^

Quote:

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87 They mostly wanna make sure you’re staying safe. Minute by minute you are choosing to stay safe and. I’m so proud of you!

Boots, and this ^^^

I am so proud of you, too!

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots I hate calling the crisis line. I have to always leave a voicemail and get a call back 20 minutes later and I'm always scared they're gonna be like "oh it's just Boots, nothing we can do to help her so we won't call back" but they do call back but it never helps. edit: she just told me to try and learn a new song on the keyboard and do some writing. The problem is these people try to find quick and easy solutions but NOTHING will make me feel better.

Doesn't matter...it's you reaching out that counts....and they do call back because everybody is pulling so hard for you!

Whew, I finally got here!

Rainbow - thank you for thinking of me

The longer version of Today's Session is on my thread, Psychotherapy board. So I'll keep it brief here and just say that I truly believe God's presence was in that room with Mary and I today. The session was remarkable, beautiful, genuine...there wasn't one part, not a moment, that could have been better. It was healing and it was spiritual. I have learned so much over these past 4 rough months.

Thank you, each of you, for your friendship. It is a blessing to me.

btw, Nammu - as I was waiting for Mary to call me in I saw your words "Remember to breathe." And I did, and that was so helpful.

I ended up taking 1 one mg Klonopin before the session. That worked out well because it took the sharp edge off the nervousness, kept me from dissociating too much, and helped me keep my focus.

Joy, joy!

I'm up late because Sidney's glucose numbers have been a bit too low tonight, so we're doing the repeated testing until (with well-timed food) we get her number to rise. She just hops up on the table to get her ears poked, poor baby. I've been blessed with an angel on earth.

Ugh, I bought little chocolate biscotti, ate too many, and feel bleck.

~*~*~*~*~ Love ~ Love ~ Love

my pain level is threw the roof
I showered today and it felt like I'd run a marathon. that new shower chair I have doesn't help me, I don't know why I got it really.

I'm exhausted and it's just gone 10 A.M in the morning

mood.... blah. well I've not slept for another entire week (I forgot how many now, lost track) and heat just makes me feel crap. I hate hot weather, and would take rain any day of the year..

at least I have mcdonalds to look forward too. I've not really felt like I've eaten much this week, so it will be a nice break...

@*Beth*

I’m SO glad you got what you needed from the session. Really, it must be a huge weight off of your shoulders. You deserve it!

Hey Beth

My paranoia has been bad since a situation a week ago, it just comes and goes. I hadn't experienced it for quite some time before that but it triggered it again The panic attacks I'm not sure, I just have them randomly sometimes. Start feeling like I can't breath, shaking, feel like I'm losing control, heart racing etc. I've had them since I was 19 and I'm 28 now, no idea if they'll ever go away, I hope someday they stop forever

I got 4 hours of sleep last night. Not anywhere near enough so I'm taking it easy today. So far this morning I've been okay, I hope the rest of the weekend goes well. I'm volunteering on Monday and I don't want to be paranoid or panicking during it. I'm still going, I signed up so am not going to back out now it's only 2 hours I just hope I don't feel bad during it

I also forgot my morning meds yesterday and skipped my thorazine last night because I was afraid to sleep. That's probably why I got hardly any sleep. I tend to not sleep or only sleep 2-4 hours if I don't take my thorazine

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The paperwork about my name change from my lawyer came yesterday. It was filed with the courts on the 12th. I also got some paperwork on how to change my gender. I need one doctor to sign off on it. Which won't be an issue since I have a good relationship with all my doctors. I see the pulmonagist in a bit. I don't think he'll drill me about sleep hygiene since I am seeing him due to a medical condition. Its nice when everything fits into the medical category instead of just paranoia and anxiety. I feel less anxious today after once again skipping the peanut butter. So I assume its a peanut allergy. I did my allergy test yesterday so we'll see. I'm glad I have an extensive team of specialists who take me seriously and don't tell me to lose weight or its just my anxiety but listen to me as a person. It means a lot. Plus I have my mom who has always been very supportive. As for the mental health side of things, I'll see how it goes today with the new one

Thanks for this post Beth, I'm going to read your thread on the Psychotherapy board

It sounds awesome, I'm so happy for you!

Hey MuddyBoots,
I'm not sure if you're reading here (I find it hard to keep up here sometimes so sorry this is so late)

I know what you mean about these people trying to find quick and easy solutions which don't help.

My husband and I finally got home from our three-day house hunting excursion. It was a learning experience, and quite tiring with some stress, especially as Hubby has been unwell through it all. At this moment he is snoring and it's only 7:35 pm. I'm feeling a bit shaky. Probably from the stress, my poor sleep recently, and because I forgot my morning medications. I think it's way too late to take them at this juncture. I did just take my evening medications. I've supposed to have been taking all my evening meds at around 6 pm/7 pm except the extra 200 mg quetiapine IR which the pdoc added to take at 9 pm. During the whole trip and tonight I've taken all of it simultaneously. Too much to remember a third dosing during such chaos! Plus, maybe I need to take it all earlier, as some nights I can't fall asleep at a reasonable time. And then I still wake up again and again or too early. Last time I saw my pdoc he AGAIN repeated that "If I were to change your meds I would have prescribed Lithium and/or Abilify. In response, I again told him that Lithium (on two different occasions) did little, gave me up to 10 side effects, and eventually gave me kidney damage. He AGAIN said "Yes, it is countraindicated with kidney damage." [Sending a middle finger in his general direction.]

Earlier today, while still away, Hubby received an email from our landlady stating that the house is sold, and the buyers want us out by the end of September. Talk about pressure! With that in mind, we've decided to put on hold house hunting and rather start looking for a storage facility for our stuff, a moving company (to take it to storage), and a cheaper rental so we can buy some time looking for a house. I do NOT want to rush buying a place that we're not 100% sure about, but want out of the current place asap. The landlady said the new buyers want to start working on the property outside WHILE we're still living here. I find that extremely invasive. Plus, why should we be paying full rent when another person is already taking up a type of residence here, of sorts. The landlady is not acting in a reasonable way. She is also trying to push us to rent one of her other properties that we've refused twice already. The place is a hell hole ("depression-inducing" as Hubby put it) and she wanted to charge the same price as our current rent. She acts like the offer is a favor, but I think it's purely her hopes to get us out quick and put the screws to us with a junkier place and help keep lining her pockets. If she brings it up again in front of me, I'm going to get extremely assertive about the refusal.

I took an at-home covid test and it was negative. That matters little, if Hubby's PCR test comes back positive on Monday. I have an extremely mild tickle in my chest, but it could be in my head. My main discomfort has been the stress, and my sleep issues' effect on it. The irrational desire to "run away" has been coming and going for quite some time. I think since early June. But I hold firm. Clenched fists. Teeth grinding. Come at me if you dare! But like a pressure cooker that hasn't enough chance to shed sufficient steam...after far too long..an explosion could loom, and if it blows it will be very very ugly! No tears, just fire, and perhaps the same red hot one as from spontaneous combustion of a linseed soaked rag on a 100 F sun scorcher.

Still terrified. Asked the group facilitator to please not sit in the chair next to me and she obliged but she has the tendency to walk around the room and I was freaked tf out. Everyone is a ****ing suspect. I have no idea how I’m going to make it through my shift tomorrow.

I lied to the clinician and said I was med compliant but I left out all the extra seroquel. I think I took 75 more at bedtime but it might have been 100 and I definitely did take Xanax. And propranolol. I don’t want to die I’m just so ****ing uncomfortable. I’m sick to my stomach and my head is killing me. I just. Want. Some. Haldol. And I don’t want to go IP to get it bc who knows how long I’ll be trapped. You can’t trust it there anyway.

I want to call the clinician back and ask to be put on the dr’s schedule on Monday. But I’m too scared. I’m afraid she’ll call the cops, they people like me. She wanted me to check in but I ran tf out of there before she could find me so she couldn’t keep me.

RS is scared that’s where I’m going, I cannot go, I will not go.

I’m trying to use my skills but I haven’t found one that has worked yet. I have a whole bunch written in my little notebook but they are not working because this is NOT PLAIN ANXIETY. This is ****ing terror.

My head hurts so bad.

Hugs wfc. I don't have any solutions but I've been there myself quite a few times. Just keep fact checking and pushing for some Haldol. It's rough but you're doing awesome given what's been thrown at you.