Bipolar check-in #68

I was so happy to get home yesterday afternoon. Hubby and I also talked a bit and the argument and anger are over with. For lunch yesterday I made some homemade macaroni and cheese, using a NY Times Cooking recipe for inspiration. Comfort food was appreciated. We finished it for lunch a few minutes ago. I'm also making a French Provencal stew that is always a hit. In fact, it's the best stew I've ever had and surprisingly includes a lot of prunes in it. Normally I'm not a prune fan, but it works beautifully in this recipe. We won't eat it for dinner tonight, but rather tomorrow. It's one of those dishes that improves with age.

We decided to just take it easy today and in the coming week mainly concentrate on packing. We need to first hear from an engineer that is analyzing the house we're interested in before knowing for sure if we're buying it. In the meantime, we have no definite place lined up to move to before October 1. That is obviously scary, but as Tim Gun says we'll "Make it Work".

@BeyondtheRainbow:

I am so sorry about your dog.

Guys I am super ****ing scared for my life what do I do?

IT'S ALL MY ****ING DADS FAULT/!

....no it's my fault. I shouldn't have stayed with him...

I've started being really loving with people i care about. Showering the people i love with love and telling them that i love them. I want them to know, i want to tell them, i want to say it because i'm getting older and i don't know how much longer i will last. I don't know if i want to. I'm feeling pretty satisfied with my life. I've had lots of adventures and experiences and extravaganza-manias. But Winter will come for me. I don't know if i want to last thru another one. With this urge to tell people i love them i somewhat feel i am saying goodbye. This is not a suicide post, i am not actively suicidal and i have no plans. I am comfortable at the moment. It's just the specter of the Winter approaching is weighing on me and i am preparing for the very real fact that i may decide i don't want to live thru it one more time. I'm happy that i'm telling people that i love them, it's a positive thing. I just have a sense that my time is short and i don't know if this is just because i'm 55 and beginning to confront my mortality or what. It's hard to see what there is to live for at this point. I've hung in there thru some pretty awful times and it is likely that i will hang in there til my fated death also, but just in case i don't, i want to express myself in clear words while i am still feeling well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow ....

You got it, Sweetpea...I'm sending heaps of love to you

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour I was so happy to get home yesterday afternoon. Hubby and I also talked a bit and the argument and anger are over with. For lunch yesterday I made some homemade macaroni and cheese, using a NY Times Cooking recipe for inspiration. Comfort food was appreciated. We finished it for lunch a few minutes ago. I'm also making a French Provencal stew that is always a hit. In fact, it's the best stew I've ever had and surprisingly includes a lot of prunes in it. Normally I'm not a prune fan, but it works beautifully in this recipe. We won't eat it for dinner tonight, but rather tomorrow. It's one of those dishes that improves with age. We decided to just take it easy today and in the coming week mainly concentrate on packing. We need to first hear from an engineer that is analyzing the house we're interested in before knowing for sure if we're buying it. In the meantime, we have no definite place lined up to move to before October 1. That is obviously scary, but as Tim Gun says we'll "Make it Work".

Es-tu un pruneau?

Sorry, I couldn't resist. Old joke from French class

But seriously, the stew sounds wonderful.

Are you better now boots?

This post worries me. Can you try calling the crisis line (988)?

Also, I don't think what's going on is your fault, but I am concerned.

Quote:

Originally Posted by downandlonely This post worries me. Can you try calling the crisis line (988)? Also, I don't think what's going on is your fault, but I am concerned.

^^^^ This, Boots.

Also, if you can't speak on 988 you can do a chat. All you have to do is google 988 and all the options pop up.

(also responding to Beth & downandlonely)
No. I'm a goner. Never gonna see the summit of mt. katahdin. I even tried convincing myself I was being paranoid but I just can't shake the soundness of the logic behind what's going to happen tomorrow.

Addicts shouldn't have children. I thought about calling a crisis line but what are they going to do? 100% chance I'll be dead in a week or so no matter what I do so I'm just hiding with a knife and some pepper spray but that won't do anything against a man with a lot of guns.

... @MuddyBoots I'm thinking of you

@MuddyBoots I’m really concerned. If you are in a dangerous environment you can call a domestic violence shelter. They do have experience to help.

988 can help you connect to a local one near you. You can use chat so you are not speaking out loud

There's a couple questions before the chat, and I'm really worried they're going to send cops to my house. My dad doesn't know I know their plan and if he sees cops it is NOT going to be a good situation for anyone.

Domestic shelters do deal with these situations and know not to exacerbate the situation. This is in their bailiwick

My mom's coming to get me. I'm chatting with 988 but she's really slow and is wasting time talking about suicide.

Thank goodness for your mom! I’m glad your going to get out of the situation.

My mom should be here soon, but man, that chat. One hour for her to basically tell me to call the ACT team.

I second that! I hope you're already with your mom and getting the heck out of there. Please be safe.

@MuddyBoots

I completely understand the paranoia. I was there a few weeks ago. On the day I got hospitalized I had to weigh out my options on where to go. I felt if I didn’t go to program they would call the police and the police would just kill me themselves or just be impostors who would pretend to be cops. So I went to program but couldn’t go inside for fear, and then I had to weigh out options again because I can’t physically run so if I tried to leave on foot I was sure the cops would be called then too.

Thing is, muddy boots, you are now becoming a possible danger to others as well as yourself. I know, I held my box cutter in my hand the whole time I was at work toward the end and also have something in my car. Still there, haven’t remembered to remove it yet. I don’t know what could have happened if I hadn’t been forced IP. We don’t want you to hurt yourself for sure or anyone else.

Am I correct in remembering you went off of one of your APs? If so maybe it’s just not the right time yet to do that. I did the same thing, figured what the hell, I only need this if I’m unstable mood-wise. But then I didn’t recognize that the anxiety was also an unstable mood state.

I really feel for you and I do hope you get some relief soon, it was 100% terrifying for me and I can feel that it’s terrifying for you too

PS - those crisis lines didn’t help me either when I was in a partial care program, they told me just wait for Monday so I can go there. I think they are definitely useful to coordinate services for those that don’t already have them or aren’t in a higher level of care.

PLEASE be safe and tell your team ASAP that you feel in danger from an outside source, whatever that may be.

We had a nice weekend. The heat finally broke and the whole weekend was only in the low 80s. And the humidity was down so we were no longer “breathing soup” as I read recently in a FB meme

We went to that pig roast which again was gross to see the pig but RS loves me so much he got my food for me so I didn’t have to see it! We didn’t stay long, long enough for CR to go on the water slide and eat. Mostly because we knew literally five people and there were at least 50 there.

Today we decided to go to the shore for the day. We got there at 10am which was perfect, not too many people there yet. Only $20 for parking (as opposed to $35!) and I think it was $25 for beach tags. Not sure if any other coastal states do this but here in NJ the beaches requires You to pay for a beach tag for each person. If you don’t want to you have to go to the state park but that fills up quickly. We were too late for that!

The water was absolutely freezing so I just sat in the sand and built a couple of sand castles with CR and retreated back to my chair while my boys played in the surf. We had a couple snacks and then went to our favorite bbq joint to round out the day. Then came back and napped haha.

Tomorrow is my last day in partial and then I’m finally in IOP again, straight up until the last day my clinician could make me come, the DAY BEFORE I start my new job! Ugh. But I get it, I was really quite ill and I can understand why she’d want me monitored for awhile. I did set up an appointment time with my old therapist thank goodness, I didn’t want to have to start over. I’ve been with her 7 years, it would be far too difficult to explain my story in its totality to anyone else!

I’m scared. Stress is my biggest vulnerability factor and it’s about to get real! I start my practicum next week which will last 8 months. Then I’ll also be working and doing full time school

Halliebeth, I get scared when I’m underneath stress as well for the same reason, it’s when I get very vulnerable. My idea for myself which may help you too is I’m going to make a list of things I can do at work that aren’t too obvious and another list of things to do when I get home to calm myself and decompress. For example, write in my journal, meditate, take a walk if possible, etc.

Hopefully this works for me and maybe it’ll help you too. And remember, you’ve come VERY long way since I started hanging around here 10 years ago!

Thanks for all the help tonight. My mom brought me to the ER because that's what the ACT team told me to do, and they gave me hydroxyzine to sleep (that was over an hour ago and I'm still wired as all hell) and said to call my doc tomorrow, but we all know I'm going to call the office and be told I have to wait until my next appointment or at best I'll get to leave a message for her.

I'm not going back to my dad's.

I don’t think your dads is a very stable environment if he is actively using. So that’s a good decision.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots (also responding to Beth & downandlonely) No. I'm a goner. Never gonna see the summit of mt. katahdin. I even tried convincing myself I was being paranoid but I just can't shake the soundness of the logic behind what's going to happen tomorrow. Addicts shouldn't have children. I thought about calling a crisis line but what are they going to do? 100% chance I'll be dead in a week or so no matter what I do so I'm just hiding with a knife and some pepper spray but that won't do anything against a man with a lot of guns.

It's a terrifying situation to be in, it feels absolutely hopeless, I've been there with a long-time boyfriend I lived with who was an addict. ALL you can do is get out. That's it. Get out. Stay and you're in mental and physical danger. Do you keep going back because he's your father? Because you're being self-destructive? Sharing drugs? You're getting something by going back every time, right?