Bipolar check-in #69

I am in the depressed phase of bipolar. I am waiting for the call from my aunt that my Grandma has passed away. She was given a few days to live. I am listening to rock to try and keep my mood upbeat a little. I was also in contact with my doctor about counseling. I am waiting for a call from the doctor's office. It is a psych doctor's office. I used the 988 number the other day. I almost admitted myself. But then I wouldn't be able to listen to music. Music is my major therapy right now. They don't allow headphones or even phones. Nothing with wires. All there is to do in the pysch ward is watch tv and color. I don't care much for tv and I can't concentrate on coloring. I think as long as I can get into counseling I will be okay. I just haven't felt this bad in years. Of course it's been a few years since I lost my other Grandparent. We really didn't have any warning with my other Grandma. This is different. Well back to my music now.

I'll give my dad this: He can pull a rabbit out of a hat if he's so inclined. $350 for the whole thing. $250 of which I personally paid for. $300 less than the mechanic I used and you know what? Consider me a happy customer of the new guy!

Also, consider me an unhappy subject to my Dad's wide ranging moods about one subject: me. How I'm stupid. How I always make stupid decisions. How my job is stupid, and I should get the job HE recommends. How I am definitely NOT his equal. Four hours of that horse crap.

Was it worth it? Well, I got what I needed.

Taking a quick lunch break and heading to get my tires put on.

Now I KNOW I'm lazy and good for nothing! I have all the time in the world today yet I'm sitting at home instead of going to the gym. Lazy ****.

Edit:. Well I decided to walk to Starbucks and now I'm all sweaty. I ran into Noah's gf on the way. That was unexpected. I have to walk home too so that will be more exercise than I would've gotten at the gym. I feel the need to talk to someone but to whom?

Quote:

Originally Posted by unlived Thanks for the reply. She’s been on it a few months which I know in the big picture isn’t that long but I also know that our bodies can get hooked on these chemicals really quickly sometimes so I just don’t want her to suffer if I can help it.

Definitely not. I would do what you're doing...cut down the powder, bit by bit for a couple of weeks.

Water pump is out in my car. There was literally no antifreeze left. Mechanic is fixing it but suggested I look for a new car

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunflower123

I'm so sorry you missed the first grief class - but what a good thing that your mom is okay now.

Do you have a vitamin D deficiency? Is that why you have to sit in the sun? I used to bake myself in the sun between April and October, burn/tan, burn/tan. Then I spent years using tanning beds. Yikes. So for the past decade I have avoided the sun because of the danger and also because I don't want to fade my many tattoos. BUT some months ago it seemed that I was losing a lot of hair. It's thick, I had no bald spots, so I thought I was overreacting.


Med dude was refreshingly thorough, ran a bunch of blood work and, ha, my vitamin D was quite deficient. I began taking a D supplement and my hair stopped falling out. Even when I wash it I really don't lose any.

Ohhh 😮 Halliebeth car problems suck.

Well I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. My alarm went off but slept for another half hour missed aqua class and then completely forgot Sirs routine shot appointment! So great got to call and reschedule. I just feel grumpy and out of sorts. I’m not doing anything else I’m libel to blow up if anyone gives me the side eye, so just watching bad tv to pass the time of day.

And my car is fixed! New alternator, new battery, 4 used (but still useful tires) and all under budget!

I did lose any relationship I had with that previous mechanic courtesy of my father's bull in a china shop routine, but you know what? They weren't exactly the best people to deal with anyway given what I managed to get done without them.

I've got resources of my own now!

Pizza for dinner tonight!

That's terrible. You're going to have to pay for a repair AND another car?

Today went well. I slept in until 5. I went to get lab work done. It was normal. I figured it would be. I can tell when my hematacrit is off. I get all irritated and ornery, and my moods have been fine. I think the level has been ok because of the Advil I shouldn't be taking. Besides that I didn't do much. I called my insurance and then had to call SS to clear up some stuff but they fixed it without a problem. I found chocolate therapy Ben And Jerry's ice cream. I haven't seen that kind in years. I also got Ben And Jerrys whisky biz which is my favorite flavor of ice cream. So far ice cream has been ok on my stomach. I also got a dairy free cheesecake and some more bottles of plant based eggs.

I haven't heard about my sisters ultrasound yet. How it went. My brother in law and nephews are going on a scout camping trip this weekend and my mom said my sister could stay at our house overnight. Personally I wouldn't want to be away from my high risk pregnant wife who could have the baby at any time, but thats not my place to stick my nose in. She probably said it was ok for them to go.

I have therapy tommorow and I don't know if she'll be annoyed about anything or what. I don't think I really did anything wrong this past week regarding food or my weight.

Sorry to be throwing all of this stuff about my dad and my car at you. He can't seem to let anything good rest in my life. It's been extra stressful!

Since I was able to save about $150 today, my dad has decided I owe him and my cousin $150 for "services rendered." A "debt" that I'm apparently supposed to pay tonight. He's also trying to gaslight me by saying I agreed to pay them. I did not and I'm not doing that.

I'll give him the opportunity to sleep on it. He typically forgets crap, maybe a good night's sleep will help wipe his brain. If he wants to force the issue, I'll make it embarrassingly formal for him (and my cousin). Check or money order, certified mail, receipts will be sent. I will hold a mirror to his worldview. His transactional worldview.

PS: My dad hates my cousin's guts. Dad made that abundantly clear when he talked about wanting to beat my cousin for some ultimately minor annoyance. I don't like my cousin either. I've made that abundantly clear (without the threat of violence), but I'm expected to show gratitude for unannounced visits, incessant phone calls, long sleep inducing lectures about gardening and housekeeping and fits of crying. Not just showing gratitude, but giving my cousin money, food, time and attention that he's demanding (So, my dad isn't bothered.).

There's gotta be a pathology there.

I've been struggling with my internet connection for at least a week. A tech came out, gave me a new modem and told me that would fix the problem. I knew it wouldn't, because the wiring around here is old. Many times I just have to walk away from the computer when the connection keeps dropping out, rather than get stressed and miserable as I fight with the thing.

I saw the Queen's coffin arrive at Buckingham Palace and I cried. I will so miss her beautiful colors, she always looked like a lovely flower. Princess Anne, the Queen's only daughter, curtsied to her mother's coffin. That was such a beautiful sight to see.

The temperatures have finally mellowed to just below 90 degrees. Last night was cool-ish. There's absolutely no feeling of fall in the air yet, though. Still very summery and vicious wildfires.

Time to get my laundry!

My FWB was telling me how he got a covid booster and a flu shot yesterday and now today he bought a blood pressure cuff. Well he took it once- without having his hand over his heart like it says to- and he said it was bad. So bad that he wouldn't tell me the reading! He's afraid to retest. I told him to retake it in the morning when he's hopefully not stressed. He won't go to the doctor. Refuses. He has health insurance but I bet he's never used it. I'm inclined to say that this is because he's a (lapsed) Christian Scientist but he did just get those shots. 💉

David, my husband, refuses to go to the doctor. Flat-out will. not. go. He would never, never do anything like take his blood pressure, either, or allow me to take it. Nothing medical, except the dentist when he has had unbearable tooth pain. He's 75 years old and sooo needs blood work done. He's 5'9 and weighs 119 lbs. Obviously he is not healthy in some way.


Interestingly, his mother was raised Christian Scientist - but she completely eschewed the religion and became Methodist. David was raised Methodist.

He justifies his avoidance of anything medical in all sorts of ways, but the truth is that he's absolutely terrified of medical stuff. It's ridiculous and so, so frustrating to me and to our kids. When he complains to me about any physical problem except dental pain I change the subject. I have told him 1,000 times to see a doctor, get a physical. He won't, so that's that.

byw, David has excellent VA insurance and would also qualify for Medicare.

I give your FWB huge credit for getting vaxxed. As for other health stuff, he knows that seeing a doctor would be smart. There's not a soul on earth who isn't at least a bit nervous about going to the doctor. It's no excuse.

It is 68 degrees.
Tonight will go down to 56.
Tomorrow? 81 degrees!
God willing and the creeks don't rise,
we may soon be in the 70's!

Glad things are cooling off for you, @*Beth*. It definitely has where I am. The high today will only be 16 C (60 F), plus it's raining. My husband is a little stubborn about some doctors, too, but not all.

I'm suffering with impatience in regards to our upcoming property purchase. The next step has already been delayed twice. Once by us and recently by the other side. Not sure what the delay's about. Hubby isn't asking. In any case, we continue to pack.

I'm trying to carefully meal plan to get rid of as many non-staple pantry items as possible before the move. The staples will come with us to the temporary accommodation.

I’m glad you got to the bottom of your deficiency. That’s great!

I do have a vitamin D deficiency along with B12 and iron (soon to be resolved) but I sit in the sun for another reason. It improves my mental health. I use a sun lamp daily except when I can get natural to manage SAD in the fall and winter. Lots of sun gives me a running start at that.

Yes, all the tanning and tanning beds you speak of brings back memories. It’s a trade off for sure.

Hallelujah!

I’m sorry things are so frustrating and not proceeding in a timely fashion. I hope things start flowing for you and that the move goes smoothly.

I hope today is a better day

Today is a another glorious day! Feeling good.

I got much accomplished yesterday. I was so exhausted by the time 6:00 rolled around that the most I could do for dinner was warm up some steak and potato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches for mom and I and then rest with a good book until I fell asleep. She really loved the soup and kept commenting on it (it was Campbell’s Chunky). I was so relieved because she can be persnickety.

I’m going to take it easier today but I’ll be away from the house most of the day again. I’ve got self care activities interspersed for relief. I’m not able to meet with friends for lunch or go to bible study this week due to addressing priorities but I am going to go to the Christmas craft event this weekend. Really excited about that. Next week will be much lighter.

I had a meaningful and productive conversation with my daughter last night. We’re on the same page now. It feels good.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day. Much love.

I have therapy in a bit and I'm pretty nervous. I didn't eat well yesterday. I had 1,380 calories. I just wasn't hungry. She loses her **** if I eat 1700 calories or less. Then I just had my mom take some pictures of me this morning and I'm alarmed at how I look in them. I mean maybe its not worth bringing up yesterday but I got my weekly shot this morning and I was supposed to get it last night, but I forgot. It makes me not hungry the day I get it. So I'm not sure what I'll eat before I see her.

I'm not sure what she'll say today. But she does get pissed at me about this stuff even if I'm not doing it on purpose. My sleep was pretty sucky last night too. I got just over an hour after 11. I started a really interesting book though. Although not one my therapist would approve of.

Have you tried Ben and Jerry’s plant based ice creams? I don’t remember the flavours but I remember I liked some of them…. Just wondering coz you’ve been trying some plant based and non dairy things lately.

Is plant based the same as the non dairy ones? I haven't tried them yet but if the 2 I got yesterday don't agree with me I'll probably have to switch over to non dairy not by choice.