Bipolar check-in #69

Just testing something


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Work was stressful yesterday. Customers came in with several phone issues that were problems on the (phone) company's end, but the phone company couldn't (or wouldn't) necessarily solve them. The phone company allowed these problems to fester to such an extent that the only solution I know was to arrange an exchange, which makes Wally World eat the cost of the product and the phone service. Wally World has eaten the cost a combined dozen times for one particular prepaid company. (At least $500 at this point.) The manager I work with is getting angry. I know I'm getting angry (I lose money too when phones get returned.). My boss is sticking her head in the sand. This can't end well.

Somebody in power is going to take things personally and it will come down on my head. Personal experience sadly. I'll cover my own bases and make sure the bosses know. Again. Make sure Walmart knows I take the problem seriously. I obviously do, and I think the managers involved know I do as well, but if they start getting seriously inconvenienced by this... This can't end well.

Fingers crossed.

Hey mountaindewed I was thinking last night when I got off here - I remembered that when I was doing weights the people who were bulking up from their weight lifting were adding extra food / calories. I don’t know what type of food but I know they needed extra. I guess it makes sense coz you’re really just burning off calories while building muscle if you’re not also upping your calories - so you will still lose weight.

I've been sick for a few days, as a result of food poisoning. Still not fully recovered, but at least I could do a few things to prepare for our move. Certainly not as much as I wanted!

Tomorrow my husband and I sign the final contract on the property we are buying. Luckily we can do the signing in the city we are now, rather than up north where the property is. Our move is at the end of the month, but we will live temporarily in an Airbnb while a house we are buying is renovated sufficiently. We can at least store the majority of our stuff in a sheltered place on the property, rather than needing to rent a storage area.

I switched over my daily morning tea to cinnamon apple spice (smells and tastes delightful) in homage to Fall. I say Fall as I sit on the screened in porch in a tank top, capris and flip flops with the fan going. Global warming at its finest.

Yesterday was a surprise being picked up at the dealership by sister. I had prepared myself for just about anything. What I got was pleasant conversation, a long, warm hug, an apology and an I love you. Incredible really and totally unexpected. The Lord truly works in mysterious ways. It is necessary for me to keep my guard up at this time but I’m not a grudge holder. We’ll see where this takes us.

So happy to be home for 4 whole days. Starting Monday, I have events and appointments and sometimes multiples Mon-Fri until I leave Friday afternoon to spend the weekend with M. Not really my preference. Ah well! We will survive it.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day. Much light and love

I got a new state ID with my correct name and gender. I went to the DMV my therapist told me to go to since she thought I'd have an easier time. Since I haven't been to any other DMV's I can't compare it I guess. She sent me to Trumpland. There was a highschool kid and his parents. The kid was all jittery and couldn't sit still and kept glancing over at me. I ignored him. They called me up before him and I said I wanted to change my name and gender on my ID. The 2 people working the desk gave me a long blank stare. My mom went ahead and gave them the paperwork. I had my back turned towards the family. Then they were called up next. The kid was taking his drivers exam. I got my picture taken. Then the lady I was working with clicked away some more at her computer without saying anything to us. Finally she asked me if I wanted to register to vote. I said yes. The lady at the other desk and the family all looked up. The kid then mentioned one of his teachers had a deep voice and it was scary and the kid made some excorcist noise. I don't know if that was supposed to be a slight at me or not? Anyways I'm not sure if they all looked up because they knew I was going to vote blue or if they thought I was around their kids age and to young to vote. Anyways the whole process took about half an hour and I got out of there fast. My mom didn't know if the family was being transphobic or just wondering if I was their kids age or something like that. I could tell the people at the desk were transphobic the way they stared at me longer then they should have. I am not totally sure why my therapist told me to go to this one. I mean I wasn't like harrased by anyone but it sure wasn't a friendly or welcoming enviroment like she made it sound like. Anyways thats over and then there was more headache on the phone with SS and medicare still not communicating and I need a ton of OTC pain and nausea meds and a new kind of melatonin right now from Walgreens because I didn't sleep well last night and thought a middle of the night workout and then a protein shake afterwards was a good idea. So I just feel like crap right now.

Went fine, I hate them bc they bring things up that I don’t want to think about but I shook it off I think. But my pdoc isn’t taking new patients so I agreed to see another in the practice and I will go just so I can have a prescriber while I look for a new one. I have an appt with a new one already but I’m not hopeful. She seems to treat depression and anxiety more, not bipolar with psychotic features. Not sure if she’ll be able to handle my severe case. There’s lots of others on my insurance page so I’ll give it a go.

So I talked to one of the ACT team members who took note of what I'm "experiencing," and didn't really say much other than I might be starting therapy with someone on the team eventually (and she suggested taking the chlorpromazine, no thanks). I also talked to a nurse about stopping paliperidone and chlorpromazine and she said my pdoc wants me to go down for an AIMS test on Monday.

The toto dog was a cairn terrier. My mom's dog is a cairn and they definitely need regular grooming. I don't think Jack Russel's need grooming but they're good escape artists and like to run away- and they run fast. (We had a neighbor with one.). West Highland terriers are pretty small - my mom had one years ago- but again they need grooming. I look forward to hearing what you decide on!

Thanks so much

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Be kind with yourself

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Oooh food poisoning is the worse I’m glad your feeling better

So exciting you will have your own home again. You can really settle in. My 8 months in Florida were awful it just never felt like a home .. my home.

What renovations are you having done ?

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Good news! I talked to my sister about mum’s depression and when my sister took mum to the doctor today she brought up that mum’s been diagnosed with major depression but no treatment. So the doctor gave mum some Zoloft. Just a tiny amount but at least it’s something!

Been a very off day. Mentally tormented myself into a no sleep last night.

But …. First day of Fall here and my windows are wide open and it’s beautiful just to feel the breeze.

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Thanks, Christina! Yes, I'm feeling better, but still not fully. At least I'm more functional. We go to sign the papers at 3 pm our time (9 am NYC time).

The house we bought that we'll eventually live in is way outdated. An elderly man lived there for years up until a year ago. He was clearly not a messy type, but still he didn't make any real improvements for a long long time. It needs new windows, new floors, new doors, some radon mitigation, updated bathroom and kitchen, some elecyric work, and the usual smaller stuff (painting, switchplates, etc.) We obviously got the place for cheap. The worker/friend we hired says it will take him four or five months to get enough done for us to move in, comfortably. The main appeal of the property is the very nice bit of land that comes with it and the location on a main bus line to Prague. We hope to eventually sell that land (and the whole lot) to someone who wishes to also build a brand new house there some day. "Flip it". The place is only five minutes by car or bus to my sister-in-law's house, which is good and bad, the latter especially to Hubby.

Most Czechs don't give a darn about radon, so some people asked us why we had it tested. Apparently Czechia is a high radon country. At least we don't want to live in a high radon house. It's a required test in New Jersey, and I assume most or all other states.

I hurt my left elbow - a tendon - several months ago helping my brother up from a fall and I’ll need a fourth injection into said tendon soon. I’ve tried to put mind over matter but that’s not going to work anymore. It just flat out hurts. I’ll call today for an appointment. The doctor who does it is amazing at least and more time is elapsing between visits. All good.

I was triggered recently by something that was said on this forum. Yes, I am fully aware I can pick up all my marbles and go home if I don’t like it. I’m attempting to put it in perspective and move forward here before I take such drastic action. Keeping things honest and real.

I'm sick. I think it's just allergies so I took some Benadryl and that's helping. I might have picked up a virus though. I feel like I should take a covid test in the event they force me into the hospital. People keep telling me demonic mind assimilation isn't happening, but I'm 99% sure it is. It'd be kinda funny that now as covids not in a pandemic phse anymore now i get it. I was stupid though. I shared a joint with some rando in the woods. I think God chose me for the assimilation because He knows I can get through this better than anyone. I've almost died like 6 times, but I have not died yet so that's better than a majority of people.

I called the on-call line for ACT today and my mom and both of them asked me if I should go to the hospital. No. They can't do anything other than attempt to keep me from hurting myself

My knuckles really hurt.

We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank (Modest Mouse) is such a good album. I'm listening to right now (sadass video). "Remainders of a shooting star landed directly on our broke down little car. Before then we had made a wish that we would be missed."

I'm sorry I'm on here so much, but focusing on this something is helping take my mind off right now.

That's what we're waiting for. That's what we we're waiting for aren't we?

I invested in some women's boxer briefs and I love them. I can't drive right now. I can't do anything because what if they choose a bad time to take over? Oscar's a good boy, he's my stuffed pig someone gave me while I was inpatient a few years back. I like rubbing lavender or other good smelling stuff on him like right now I have citrusy essential oils on him. I feel very agitated and revved up.

Well, as far as yesterday goes, the proverbial scales tilted towards it being a good day. I had a one-on-one with my immediate boss that she requested out of the blue. I usually get "Come to the principal's office." vibes with that sort of request (with possible "Come to the principal." punishments, but in this case, she called to say I was doing a great job and to keep it up. I also had a customer who I've been working with (and fighting a losing battle with the phone companies) for two days give me a "Pursue your dreams. Don't live with regret. Be confident." pep talk. I'd like to think I don't lack for confidence, being in sales and all, but the fact these guys cared enough to want to build me up moved me. I very much appreciated it.

I did have more dealings with the young woman mad that I was trying to get her to customers (including my own) and get customers to her. She's still acting like a lazy high school mean girl with "How dare you approach me." levels of disgust anytime I ask for help helping customers and if she can't ignore me, she made it a point to... take... her... sweet... time... getting... to... the... customer. Just (passive-aggressive) delayed reactions acknowledging my presence, finishing her personal conversation (while on shift), walking to her actually busy coworker, asking them for a key and finally getting the requested item. All while I'm standing there waiting.

Now I personally don't care if she throws a tantrum, but when her tantrums make my job harder, I start to care more. I really don't know where her animosity came from. I don't even know her name! She's never volunteered it. I never asked. She obscures her name tag and I don't care enough to scrutinize it. It really reads as "Lazy teenager doesn't want to work." and she's mad I'm asking her to.

Anyway, my boss is planning a visit to my store to do my first themed display table, so that should be some real fun!

lots of negative self talk today

working on a poem about being a coutch potato from coutch potato land (just one of the many ways I'm reminding myself I'm fat, ugly, and useless.)

I have some slight rumblings again of SAD. Its not a big deal though. But I'm not sure what the winter will look like. I slept well last night. I drank some apple cider spice tea out of my mug that says apple cider, this morning. There was a big mess at the Starbucks drive thru. The line was really long and some lady tried cutting and then the lady 2 cars behind her got out and started yelling that she needed to go to the back of the line. The lady then got back in her car but the other lady still wasn't moving. Then a 3rd car came over and started honking at her since she was blocking traffic and I don't know if she got spooked or annoyed but she ended up leaving. It was fun drama though. Thats the last time I order online though since it took half an hour to get my drink.

Today I don't have anything planned. This is my sisters last day of work until the new year. Tommorow is my nephews soccor game. Then we will watch my nephews while my sister and brother in law celebrate their anniversary. Then Monday afternoon they will drop the boys off for a couple nights and then Tuesday the baby will come. So hopefully I'll only feel a bit down for today.

I got out to the grocery store and got some protein bars and a protein cookie. I am seriously lacking protein in my diet and I don't know how else to get more protein in my diet besides shakes and bars.

Bad news. My uncle that fell is not doing well at all. He’s never regained consciousness and today they took him off everything except fluids and pain meds. So it’s probably not long now.

Speaking of falls the doctor told mum not to go down the steps anymore. Her legs are too weak. Mum just read me the riot act that she’ll go downstairs when she wants too! I told her that Mary the oldest lady in my fitness group isn’t allowed to go down the stairs either. She’s only 92 and in fitness classes and not on blood thinners. There’s not a lot I can do but worry.

I’m sorry to hear about your uncle. My deepest sympathies.

Is your household set up to where your mom doesn’t need to go downstairs? I know about fiesty, older, independent ladies. Thinking of you and your mom.

The laundry is in the basement. There’s no other reason for her to go down there but she does to potter about and for seasonal items. I’ve fantasized how to remodel the house to put the laundry up here but money! I’d also change out the carpets for wood floors

I am sorry about your uncle. It’s hard to wait when you know someone will pass soon. I hope your family finds healing when he goes

Your mom sounds like my grandpa. He had dementia which I know your mom doesn’t have but he was quite ornery. In the last couple of years it was hard for him to walk but they have a split level house so he would insist on walking down those steps to sit in the living room. Which is all well and good, I get you need a change of scenery, but he would also insist on walking down the long flight of stairs to the TV room just for the hell of it. And he always said “you can’t tell me what to do in my own house!”

Yeah, that’s what’s she’s like, …you can’t tell me what to do in my own house! Or outside of it either. She has a yard man but she goes out with her walker and cane to clip bushes, pick up sticks and leaves cause he’s not perfect enough. But the thing that drives her is what will people think if my house or yard are a mess.