Bipolar check-in #69

That’s the diagnosis I was worried about but they have ruled that out at this time. Thank you for the words of encouragement. I won’t let them put a label on me just because I don’t fit a neat and tidy package.

I feel things deeply - empathic depth. Sunsets, beautiful music, other people’s situations, you name it can bring tears to my eyes and stir my emotions. I sometimes find it necessary to tap (EFT) in order to clear energy that’s not mine. When they put me on Zoloft - I felt nothing at all. I cried not one tear for my brother. Not during the service or internment or afterwards. I’m off Zoloft now and man am I feeling all the feels! I don’t think I like that one bit!

I’ve been watching the Queen’s service and procession and it impacted me negatively. Yes, I quit watching once I realized. My mood was high before and it became low and I was very sad and teary. I’m wondering if it was everything I didn’t feel and process for brother’s service coming to the surface. Forget that!

I’m heading out the door to go to aqua fitness, to swing by the doctor’s office and to get a Daily Warrior smoothie. Hopefully, that will clear things up because it’s a truly beautiful day outside and I intend to have one as well.

In other news…I got a notification yesterday that my Amazon order was delivered. I walked to the mailbox and it was already stolen. To say I was livid is an understatement. Still somewhat fuming today. Vultures. And I live in a good neighborhood.

I missed being here and I missed you guys and gals. The break was needed. I’m glad I’m back.

Good going Sunflower 🌻

I canceled aqua fitness to return the loaner car. Cost me $600 for the repairs they did and the loaner car. But I’m done with the ford, done with all fords. The batteries wore down from sitting so long, so had to use a key to get in to get our grocery bags. It will be nice to have them again. Hopefully this car will last me 10 years or so. By then I’ll be near 75 and have to evaluate driving. We parted on good terms and I’ll use him in the future. It’s funny he grew up just down the road from me.

Used just 5 mg ambien and got a good 3-4 hours before I woke up. Was able to get back to sleep for a couple more hours before the alarm went off. I’m just not getting the quality sleep I need. See pdoc next week. Going to ask to go up to 10 mg. Really need deeper longer sleep. I’ll use 5 on days I have nothing and 10 on days I need to be well rested. I hate that I’m so dependent on this stuff.

I’m
Looking to buy a car too. I’ve test drove it all weekend. I want to but gotta see loans first

Halliebeth I was pleasantly surprised by the good terms I got. I hate paying interest of any sort but I got a good deal. Hopefully you’ll get a good deal too.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I got up at 5:30 and did my workout. 20 reps with the weights. 20 reps with the kettleball Then 50 push ups or whatever with my ab roller. I'm working on adding more I just need to build up to it. I eventually want to make it to 300 with the ab roller but I have a long way to go. I made a protein shake after and watched part of the funeral. I went out to Walmart and got a 15 pound metal kettelball since my 8 pound rubber one wasn't doing much. I thought I just had super bad anxiety and thats why I wasn't very hungry. Lately I've been eating around maintence calories. Well what I consider maintence. Not what my therapist considers. But when I got home I realized I feel pretty sick and nauseated. I don't know if I over did it this morning while excercising or if its from the lack of sleep last night or the humidity. I did eat an expired yogurt but that was 2 days ago. I came home and caught the last 5 minutes of the funeral. Man, that look on King Charles face...Then I took some tylenol and my gastro med and I'm just lying down now.

Now my entire foot and ankle hurts too. I'm trying to let it breathe since I'm always wearing shoes or socks. My mom suggested I try soaking my foot to see if that helps. I'm honestly scared to go to the doctor about this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour @*Beth*, I hope your med issues are resolved soon, and congrats on the needed rain. We say similar when we manually water our outdoor plants. It always rains soon after, but if we don't, it doesn't rain. We don't need to pay for elevators in Czechia, but it's still very common to have to pay to use public toilets here. The exceptions are in nicer restaurants and most pubs. Otherwise, you see a toilet "attendant" taking money, or in more modern set ups, a place to put a coin so that the bar releases to let you through. I think it's more common in Czechia than Germany and Austria, but I've seen similar there. In Germany, you sometimes accumulate coupons for future public toilet use, especially at highway rest areas. I keep them in our glove compartment. Toilet paper is in the stalls. It didn't used to be, in the past. Back then the "attendant" gave you a little or you brought your own. Another thing we sort of pay for is shopping cart usage. You need to insert a coin into the cart handle to release a chain that holds the carts together. That encourages people to return the carts to the corrals, since re-chaining releases the coin, thus making it free in the end. I heard there is encouragement for Georgia to possibly declare war on Russia. Did you hear/read that? See Georgia proposes to hold a referendum and ask if Georgians want war with Russia | odessa-journal.com

Thank you, Soupe. I, too, hope this hellish med situation is resolved soon.

Goodness, you have to pay for many conveniences (and necessities). In Israel, specifically Jerusalem, One has to hand over a shekel to one of two women who sit at the entrances to restrooms. The purpose is for one of the women to hand over six squares of toilet paper. Not much! And the "toilet" is literally a pipe in the ground inside of a private stall. I suppose the more touristy bathrooms are more sophisticated, but I was traveling as am ha'aretz - one of the people of the land.

Haha, and this reminds me of something I saw in the bathrooms of pubs in Ireland - the free use of a curling iron. Of all things! I guess it's to freshen a woman's hair after having come in from the drizzly weather.

Ooh, interesting about Georgia possibly joining the war on Russia. I think Noah will be back at home today. I will ask him if he heard any rumors there.

I completely agree with unlived, @Sunflower. I thought that perhaps you were concerned about the "BPD" thing. Dumping people, especially women, into that category is far too common and just plain negligent. Another one is "personality disorder NOS." That terrible pdoc I had months ago labeled me with pd nos. It didn't fit, truly does not, and that was the last straw for me with her. It's very easy for me to pick up the "flavor" of BPD and I certainly don't get it from you. Yes, I encourage you to stand your ground if any weird diagnosis is dropped upon you.

btw - I'm very pleased to have heard that the old borderline personality disorder diagnosis is being changed in significant, encouraging ways when the DSM VI is released. Those changes are long overdue, imo.

I have more to reply to you; I'll be back after a while.

Bad News. It's my car again.

I was at Starbucks thinking I should leave soon when somebody came in and said that somebody hit my car in the parking lot. I followed him outside and sure enough they'd totalled my left rear lights and made a pretty big dent in that corner. In addition the front bumper was dented from hitting the pole that I'd parked next to. The plastic from my brake light was smashed and there were pieces on the ground. He told me he saw a jeep back up into my car and take off. That he didn't get a license plate. I called the police and someone came very quickly. She asked me questions and got my paperwork. She came back with a piece of paper where I can get the incident report to give my insurance. Unfortunately I only have PLPD- insurance- doesn't cover ****! And my mom's husband told me that's all I need! I'm bitter about that now for obvious reasons! Still need to contact the insurance of course but they're just gonna say **** you! So now I need a new car- either that or drive around a broken car with one tail light out...

Oh and the migraine I had last night is back. Tomorrow might be time to go to the doctor for an anti migraine shot if it's still here in the morning like it was this morning.

Oh, moose! That sucks, big time. I’m so sorry.

I had a pretty good day, drew for awhile in the morning, the picture I drew (original design/artwork is by me) is pictured below. I wanted to try out the new colored pencils my friend got me. I know I made mistakes in it with perepective and whatnot but I'm just gonna keep drawing and track my progress over the next couple of years. I also baked homemade pumpkin bread. It came out really good but I think next time I'll add chocolate chips

I want to start cooking and baking more, it's fun

The kitties are doing well, they had some catnip

@BeyondtheRainbow - Griefshare - outstanding. Thank you for suggesting it.

Last winter and spring I went through a bunch of breast imaging, 3 minor biopsies and finally a surgical biopsy to remove the things the other biopsies had found. At the end of that I was referred to a high risk clinic although I was unclear why I was referred there. I think I was probably told at my follow-up appointment but that was a week post-op and I was still fighting my way through anesthesia recovery.

Today was the first appointment at the high risk center. I had to fill out a bunch of paperwork and then met with a PA who I love. She had taken time to read through all of what happened in the winter and spring and knew what was going on. She explained that one of the lesions that was removed rather drastically increases my chances of getting breast cancer. The average woman has a 12% chance of getting breast cancer in the next 25 years while I have a 30% risk. So 1:3 chances. But because of my surgery they know this and I'm going to be closely followed for the rest of my life.

I'm going to have a baseline MRI Nov. 1 and then Nov. 3 I see the surgeon's NP and have a mammogram on the breast that had surgery (which is good because I have a new lump. The PA isn't that worried but it is a big enough lump that I can fell it which has not happened before so it definitely needs checked). Then in May I'll have my diagnostic mammogram for the year and will alternate mammograms and MRIs every 6 months. I'll also be getting genetic testing if Medicare covers it since my grandmother had ovarian cancer which increases my risks of breast and ovarian cancers. That way if I'm at risk I can have the proper body parts removed. I'll also see the PA every 6 months for an exam.

I feel good about all this and I was so impressed by the PA. She was so nice and spent as much time as I could possibly need. It feels like between her and the collaboration with breast surgery that I'm well covered by a team of professionals.

I do have to wrap my head around that 1:3 number though.


For now I'm just tired. I'm so glad I have the resources at the city but the drive is a lot. Hopefully tonight I'll sleep better; last night I was too anxious to settle down and then I did my usual sleep 30 minutes, wide awake for a long time, thing. At least my PRN gabapentin worked and I didn't have to take klonopin PRN.

Tomorrow I recover from today and then have Bible study in the evening. I hope I'm able to participate when tired.

I'm so glad it's helping you. It really worked for me. When I finished my plan was to repeat it before Christmas since that's when my family member died but I was doing so well by then, in large part bc of GriefShare the first time, that I didn't need to repeat.

I'm so glad my church offers it and that I stumbled into it because it's a great way to cope.

Sooooo I bought it

@halliebeth; congratulations 🎊🎉🎈

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunflower123 I feel things deeply - empathic depth. Sunsets, beautiful music, other people’s situations, you name it can bring tears to my eyes and stir my emotions. I sometimes find it necessary to tap (EFT) in order to clear energy that’s not mine. When they put me on Zoloft - I felt nothing at all. I cried not one tear for my brother. Not during the service or internment or afterwards. I’m off Zoloft now and man am I feeling all the feels! I don’t think I like that one bit! I'm also a deep feeler and an empath. All of my life people have said, "What a gift you have!" Hmm. I struggle with whether it's a gift or not. Whatever it is, it's makes my life awfully painful. Would I trade it? I hope to have that answer some day. I guess I wouldn't trade the wonderful aspects, but the terrible ones are...terrible. It's so hard, I think, for people with a mental illness when we've been on medication that blunted our emotions to suddenly have those. For me, I feel like a little kid who's just learning how to deal with feelings and emotions. I guess that's a lot of what therapy is for, come to think of it. I’ve been watching the Queen’s service and procession and it impacted me negatively. Yes, I quit watching once I realized. My mood was high before and it became low and I was very sad and teary. I’m wondering if it was everything I didn’t feel and process for brother’s service coming to the surface. Forget that! I have been watching her service all day (I recorded it). When Princess Diana and then-Prince Charles were married a friend and I stayed up all night to watch the wedding of the sweet, lovely girl who was just a year older than we were. How romantic! These days I hope not to be up all night doing anything, lol. Anyway. I am thinking that the Queen's funeral, seeing all of that, is way, way too close to your own current grief and just far too soon following the loss of your brother. I've lost almost all of my extended family and at some point, funerals became a regular part of life. Miserable, but something about processing my own life's growth? Or something along those lines. A strange part of my life, that's for sure. Today while watching HM's funeral and procession I cried - a lot. I adored her for many reasons. And I was thinking of you, because I read this post this morning, just as I had begun watching the recording on TV. I was thinking that it has (thankfully) been 3 1/2 years since I've been to a memorial service. If seeing something like the Queen's funeral would have been close in time to a funeral of my loved one there's no way I could have watched it. I'm not saying that to refer specifically to the Queen's funeral, but to offer you encouragement. That awful, awful pain and the grief (even of losing a sibling) really does lighten. It did for me and from others I've spoken with, it does for them, too. I'm not trying to pressure you in any way, just offer a hand and a hug. I have faith that the loss of your beloved brother won't feel as mean as it is now. I truly have that faith and hope for you. I’m heading out the door to go to aqua fitness, to swing by the doctor’s office and to get a Daily Warrior smoothie. Hopefully, that will clear things up because it’s a truly beautiful day outside and I intend to have one as well. Sounds grand! I hope the day was very successful for you. Aqua fitness and a smoothie...sounds just perfect. In other news…I got a notification yesterday that my Amazon order was delivered. I walked to the mailbox and it was already stolen. To say I was livid is an understatement. Still somewhat fuming today. Vultures. And I live in a good neighborhood. Ohhh, I am so sorry! I frequently order from Amazon, wait for packages, and to have a package stolen...how enraging. I truly feel your frustration. I missed being here and I missed you guys and gals. The break was needed. I’m glad I’m back. I'm so glad you're break was helpful to you - and so happy that you've returned.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87 Sooooo I bought it

WooHOO!

Ohhh, that pumpkin bread looks divine! And with chocolate chips.... !

I LOVE your drawing. It makes me happy, like strolling through Central Park in autumn.

I've been meaning to get some catnip for the kittehs.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 Bad News. It's my car again. I was at Starbucks thinking I should leave soon when somebody came in and said that somebody hit my car in the parking lot. I followed him outside and sure enough they'd totalled my left rear lights and made a pretty big dent in that corner. In addition the front bumper was dented from hitting the pole that I'd parked next to. The plastic from my brake light was smashed and there were pieces on the ground. He told me he saw a jeep back up into my car and take off. That he didn't get a license plate. I called the police and someone came very quickly. She asked me questions and got my paperwork. She came back with a piece of paper where I can get the incident report to give my insurance. Unfortunately I only have PLPD- insurance- doesn't cover ****! And my mom's husband told me that's all I need! I'm bitter about that now for obvious reasons! Still need to contact the insurance of course but they're just gonna say **** you! So now I need a new car- either that or drive around a broken car with one tail light out... Oh and the migraine I had last night is back. Tomorrow might be time to go to the doctor for an anti migraine shot if it's still here in the morning like it was this morning.

Holy crap. I am so, so sorry, Moose. What a rotten turn of events. I have that kind of insurance, too. Sucks.

Appointment tomorrow with a new GP. I have to get this medication mess straightened out, and of course I hope that's all it is. Today's advice nurse suggested Imodium, which did work - so far, anyway. But my stomach is so irritated I can only eat a tiny bit of the same foods. Not much, at all. And this sure isn't a good way to lose weight. I definitely have med withdrawal...brain zaps and all kinds of weird sleep/dreams. To say I'm worn out is putting it mildly. I foolishly googled everything under the sun, so am now fairly convinced I'm at death's door.

I asked David to go to the doctor with me tomorrow, but he said he's too afraid of medical settings. Thanks a ton. Nothing new, there though. I have always secretly called us "Diana and Charles" - long before their divorce. I was her age and David 16 years older. He must have been in love with someone else, because it sure isn't me.

I swear that when I finally do die, the only people who will be at my funeral will be my son, his wife, and maybe my brother-in-law. It's pathetic.

I’m so sorry you are going through this and David isn’t helping. I’m sending love, hugs, healing vibes and thoughts and prayers that you get some answers and feel better soon.

I’m glad you feel good about the course of action and the folks involved. You are in my thoughts and prayers that you have good results going forward. I hope you were able to rest last night.

I love your picture. Pumpkin bread. Yum! I’m glad the kitties are well.

Yay! How exciting.