Bipolar Check-in #72

Sorry… seems like I’m reply to all your posts tonight! Think of it this way… most of the people you see walking around are over 30. They didn’t suddenly get fat when they turned 30. I did gain weight in my 30s but that was from Seroquel. When I was actually 30 I lost weight. In my late 30s I lost weight again and now I’m 40 I’m still losing it and am almost at the same weight I was when I was 28. Think of all the people over 30 you know - they can’t all be fat Try not to worry about it. It won’t happen unless you eat a lot more calories than you need - just like at any other age. Unless of course you’re on seroquel / zyprexa / steroids etc.

I'm so happy to find that our online grocer now sells bagels and English muffins! They get the bagels at a local Prague bakery and the English muffins are imported, frozen, from the UK. This will spare me from having to make them from scratch.

It's nice to finally feel relaxed. Tomorrow we'll take the train in to the city early in the morning for the US embassy passport renewal. My photos aren't that bad this time. Next weekend we'll likely host some old friends of my husband. I'm unsure if they'll stay overnight or not. I'm preparing as if they will. Maybe I'll have some bagels. I can offer them NYC/Philly style with various cream cheeses and toppings, including smoked salmon.

I didn't sleep after 11 last night. I woke up hungry since I ate dinner at 4 and didn't eat much of anything in general yesterday. I just wanted a soda though so I drank a Mountain Dew. Then for some reason, probably just self sabotage, I drank a Coke and then a Coke with coffee. Then I battled with anxiety the rest of the night. I feel decent now after getting my weekly shot and eating some yogurts and overnight oats. I texted my mom saying I felt like I was going to die from my anxiety and then when I went to check the weather I got an ad for a free cremation planning guide. Which I found to be pretty funny. If I were back in my old state I'd probably be put IP because of this ED. But my current therapist and the last one arent as dramatic as my transference T. Also my current therapist has only ever seen me with a baggy hoodie on. So I'm not sure what she would say if I wore a T shirt and jeans.

My hand is healing nicely. Every day is less pain and a better range of motion so that’s good.

But unfortunately winter depression is settling over me like a gray, cold, wet blanket. I chalked it up to boredom since we haven’t been able to leave the house, even for a walk, since Tuesday, but I have no interest in doing anything at all. Not reading, not watching tv, not even listening to music. I just want to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. I would have done so today if RS had let me but he doesn’t, which I suppose is good. It’s too cold and gray to go anywhere (as it ALWAYS IS in NJ in winter) so we decided to go to a shopping mall just to get out and walk around. It was the larger mall a little further from our house just so it would take more time to walk around. Managed to get CR out as well.

I guess I just need to push through until spring, take bits of sunshine as they come.

Got my book, The Cabinet of Dr Leng from the library Saturday. It’s going fast. Preston &Child are good writers. Of course it helps that I’ve read the previous books. I know who the characters are and that makes it easier to follow.

I’m washing clothes today and as soon as they are finished I’m going out for brunch. Then stop to see mum.

I’m not so thrilled with my new glasses. They fit great and look wonderful but the diameter of the lenses is small. The prescription is perfect it just that my eyes want to see more. I’ve found a bigger pair I’m thinking about getting. But it will depend on if I can pay off my card in one swoop. Also depending on money is a murder mystery night put on by friends of the library. I’ve always wanted to go to one of those. Sounds so fun. It’s held at the historical house, so glamorous!

I just want some ****ing sleep I feel like Heath Ledger right now. I'm going to go for my 3 month blood work a few days early probably on Tuesday.

This is my fifth anxiety attack in as many days. I’m having completely unrealistic thoughts of RS or CR dying. Like RS went to 7-11 and I convinced myself someone would hold up the store and …. Everyone inside. CR fell asleep seriously early the other day and I used to be able to hear him snore (can’t anymore since his tonsils got taken out) but it was dead silent so I told myself that was it. Now RS is in the bedroom, he never sleeps during the day so I’m like he’s lying about feeling better from Covid and he’s actually getting worse.

This is all completely ridiculous.

Idk. I can go back on the 2mg of haldol with propranolol twice a day and just admit defeat to my psych nurse and myself. But I also think like meds can only do so much and maybe I’m just not using enough coping skills to feel better. Or are coping skills used to get through unpleasant emotions and thoughts but meds are supposed to help keep that stuff away in the first place?

Idk. I don’t have another appt with my psych nurse until Feb, I think Feb 9 but I could be wrong. It’s not worth it though, making an earlier appt, she doesn’t know me well enough to help in emergent situations. That’s how I feel anyway. I’ve gotten to the point that all I need is a prescriber and I can make the med decisions myself, tbh. I mean maybe she does know her stuff, we’ll have to wait and see. It’s a shame my old pdoc retired.

Ugh. I can’t even take a nice long hot shower bc I can’t soak my incision, I have to keep a rubber glove on but they’re too big so water gets in anyway. I have to get in and get out as quick as possible.

I haven’t felt an ounce of anxiety today. I’ve done been sleeping all day. Ty to my new med for thr sleep and calm mind!

I’m just about over these daily severe headaches

Not finding much relief with OTC stuff l!

I have to text the gal that clips Gus and Dexters nails ….get in sometime this week.

Rainy and damp here *Boooo Hiss *


Gus is a SPOILED Brat LOL

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Had a really difficult night last night. I got all tangled up in the past and it was hard to stay present. I also got caught up thinking about a dream I had the other night wherein I self harmed. Those dreams generally make me want to self harm IRL.

So anyway. It was difficult. I wish I had therapy today but I have it tomorrow so I can hold on. Today I’m finally going to work so at least I’ll have something to do for seven hours.

I had vivid dreams last night. In one, N3 was 8 again. In the same dream, I was with a couple of "earthy" friends who took me through a yard showing me the dirt and then a skinny office waiting room.

In another dream, I went to an airport with my ex husband. There were other people around eating too. It was all big rectangular tables with black table cloths with tubs of lobster tails, salmon filets and crab. I was eating some of each and took some Benadryl because (in real life) I am allergic to seafood and salmon. I thought that I should get my EpiPen out and use it as my tongue had gone numb. But I could taste the flavors and textures of the food! And thought they tasted good even though there was no butter for the lobster.

In another dream I was sleeping on the floor next to a railing that surrounded some stairs- the railing was shaped in a square. I could hear other people and N3 was there again as an 8-year-old. I started to feel suffocated and then I realized it was because I had my CPAP on. Then I really woke up and immediately took my CPAP mask off to get some fresh air.

Last night was kinda not good... I was so desperate for sleep. There was melatonin and cough syrup involved. But I did get a lot of sleep and then another 2 hours this morning from 9-11 even with my niece screaming her head off. I was dreaming about an angry cat who was riding on top of a bear. I had therapy today. It went well. We just talked about last week and the food and the anxiety stuff. I mentioned the sleep issues but not the meds. I told her about my vision issues and she seems to think its anxiety related. I told her about my pulse which she says is normal. She showed me a video my last T had sent her that she wanted me to watch. It was that same dumb poodle one I've already seen. I asked how my last therapist was doing. She said thanks for asking and she'll let her know I asked and that shes doing fine. At the end of the session my therapist said "I know we meet every week but you do know you can email me right?" Idk why she said that. Like if she thought I could have had an easier time last week if I had emailed her or something. Idk. I just think of the situation between my transference T and the emails, and I'm not ready to just go into emails again. I save them when necessary. I guess its just my boundaries. I'm so glad my mom has everything set for when she dies. Shes leaving me and my brother the house thats all paid. My sister is in charge of financaial things. My uncle who is a lawyer is in charge of legal things. Nope. No worries about becoming homeless.

Cool! I love vivid dreams where you can feel, taste and experience the stuff you can’t irl.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 My hand is healing nicely. Every day is less pain and a better range of motion so that’s good. But unfortunately winter depression is settling over me like a gray, cold, wet blanket. I chalked it up to boredom since we haven’t been able to leave the house, even for a walk, since Tuesday, but I have no interest in doing anything at all. Not reading, not watching tv, not even listening to music. I just want to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. I would have done so today if RS had let me but he doesn’t, which I suppose is good. It’s too cold and gray to go anywhere (as it ALWAYS IS in NJ in winter) so we decided to go to a shopping mall just to get out and walk around. It was the larger mall a little further from our house just so it would take more time to walk around. Managed to get CR out as well. I guess I just need to push through until spring, take bits of sunshine as they come.

It's great news about your hand!

I'm so sorry about the winter blues, though. It walloped me this season like never before. If there is any sun, go outside, turn your face right to the sun itself with your eyes closed and allow the warmth (even if it's slight) to warm your face. Do that for 2 or 3 minutes and get a blast of vitamin D and the sun's warmth.

It seems to me that you're still hurting a lot about transference t @Mountaindewed .
Isn't your birthday soon?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu ...Also depending on money is a murder mystery night put on by friends of the library. I’ve always wanted to go to one of those. Sounds so fun. It’s held at the historical house, so glamorous!

Me, too!

I've actually improved a lot with her. Especially after I started with this new therapist. Who is very similar to the transference T minus the transference. Its just emails are touchy for me. I did end up sending one an hour ago explaining that things arent going all that great and I don't know if its hormonal or just situational or that turning 30 in general is just hard to wrap my head around.

But I think I've been better with the transference T thoughts

Yeah my birthday is in about 2 weeks.

This Lybalvi has worked wonders but I have slight shake in my hand which I’m hoping won’t stay around but I feel so calm

I asked my mom to look at my right eye which is the one thats causing me the most problem. The vision blurry one my therapist told me is just anxiety. I asked her to look at it because it hurts and I wondered if I had a sty. She said my eye is red. Idk if this is bad or not.

Have you been rubbing it? That will cause it to be red.

Yeah I do rub my face a lot in general from stress, but would that cause the blurry vision? I see these floating orbs too in the corner of my eye. I also have the start of a migraine.

Work was ok. We got a new student, he’s not bad, he’ll fit right in. It was tough though because I just wanted to leave and go back to bed.

I’m kind of crawling around weighed down to the ground, it feels like. I just want to sleep but I can’t, like physically can’t. It’s a familiar depression. My eyes feel sunken, my chest feels heavy and tight. My brain is mush, and I just want to cry but I never will.

Strong SH thoughts still today. I was laying in bed for an hour after I got home but it just made things worse. So now I’m up but I’m still miserable. I just have to keep going I guess. One foot in front of the other until it improves.

I did decide to go back on the meds I left behind. Failed experiment. Propranolol really does help my anxiety as long as I take it regularly. It’s not a rescue med like Xanax for me. I went back up to 2mg haldol as well. Hopefully in a few days the anxiety will subside and so will the depression.

Hopefully I don’t smoke again before that happens. Def almost bought cigarettes today and it’s been three years. I just quit vaping two months ago and I don’t really want to start that again either. But I guess it’s better than smoking. Not less expensive though.

I feel ungrateful not liking where we live. Everyone is so awesome but it's cold, weather sucks, and for a person that hates being around people there's a lot. I'm more stable than I've ever been but I'm down. Sh thoughts, overwhelmed, don't feel I have enough small high calorie food around. I'm not making the 350 food intake to properly digest my meds. I'm getting mozzarella sticks tomorrow I need to have 4 to get to that number. I don't see how I'm 150+ yet can't keep up with a small meal level.
Good night.

Sometimes people see thing before migraine

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed ...But I think I've been better with the transference T thoughts

That's good, then. I know you've worked hard on that issue.