Bipolar Check-in #75

I feel like something really bad is about to happen in the world. I felt this way before in Decemeber 2019. I just now had to take a valium because I was working myself into a panic over it. I just feel weird. I'm eating Ritz crackers that don't have any taste since I still can't taste. Idk. I get these intutions and they are freaky.

So, some fun stuff and some sarcastically fun stuff. The fun stuff: I go back to work in two days! I can't wait! Just gotta take care of some logistics involving my upcoming schedule and I'm golden.

The not so fun stuff: My legs and ankles are noticably swollen. They're so swollen that any socks I wear leave a large ring indentation around the top. I'd wager good money this is largely a result of me being laid up and not particularly active in a month and a half. At any rate, I bought some compression socks to try and jump start some circulation down there. Here's hoping it works. I'd hate to have to go to the doc for some water pills.

Hope the compression socs help! May be it is wise starting to go for a slow walk as well? I know how hard it is to come into good physical habits when depression has put one out of motivation. The Spring/Summer time is a good time to restart physical activities. At least that is my experience.

I appreciate the threads you created and enjoyed reading others' responses in them. And responding. I think there are lurkers out there that also did, even if silently.

I'm glad you are doing well and hope that lasts. Perhaps the car ride will be more pleasant than you expect. Congrats to your nephew!

So I have a rather rocky relationship with my parents. They don't like my husband or his job (he's a chef/kitchen manager), and my mom is scary and always so angry!!! They're both religious fanatics and believe in every conspiracy theory under the sun. I haven't seen them in years because they stress me out so much and make my anxiety skyrocket. (There's much more to the story, but I'm not getting into it.)

Last night my daughter wrote a letter to them, asking why they're so mean to daddy and I. It was really sweet! I was touched. Of course I told her she couldn't actually give it to them, which made her upset.

But it was still really sweet of her.

Well, I can safely say the compression socks were a failure. They started seriously hurting after a couple hours wearing them and while I don't think it actually made it any worse, my legs certainly look worse!

Definitely want to visit the doctor at this point, but the question is today at urgent care or tomorrow with my PCP. Something needs to happen. It's just a question of what.

My husband was having an issue with swollen ankles and feet. Besides the usual things that help (drinking a lot of water, some exercise, lower salt, keeping legs elevated) what helped was an increase in his prescription diuretic med, which he already took for high blood pressure.

In the past, I also briefly had swollen lower legs and feet. The last time it was from prolonged sitting on planes and in the airports. It resolved itself, quickly. Other times were in reaction to injuries, such as to my knees or other leg areas after bad falls. My nephrologist also always checks them since it can be a sign of worsening kidney issues.

Have you tried the other "usual things"? The leg elevation is an easy and pleasant enough one.

my ankle socks always produce edema at the ankle never crossed my

mine that there was anything wrong.

just that I was carrying too much weight.
Have been eating fattening foods the last few days and drinking too much,
It is a holiday weekend after all.
bizi

I'm pretty pissed at my brother in law again. He invited us for a bbq at their house and asked my mom to make and bring a whole bunch of food. Then half an hour before we were supposed to leave he mentioned that he had a couple friends there and their 1 year old baby over for the night. Like he couldn't mention that before? Now I don't want to get a 1 year old sick with this cold that isn't going away which my mom says is being made worse by my other issues. Like I spit out blood in the sink today. I don't think thats very good.

Anyways I just feel like they are taking advantage of my mom. I know I've mentioned this before, but it seems to be getting worse. The kids are coming over tommorow for a bit in the morning because my sister has a meeting and my bil has to work but he still works from home. So why can't he watch the kids for an hour instead of dumping them on my mom again.

Sorry for the rant. I feel like crap and I'm worried.

Your parents sound so difficult. I'm not sure I could bear that. My mother is difficult and was abusive to me growing up but at least she has mellowed.


I grew up very religious (Catholic) but even my mother is no longer religious. She was a teacher in a Catholic school and after my dad left, the nun and priest who ran the school treated her very badly.


I no longer even call myself Christian because I don't want to be associated with the self-proclaimed Christians who behave in a bigoted and cruel manner. And ever since I was a child I perceived the Gospels in a slightly different manner than everyone else seemed to. I think it likely that Jesus would be horrified by the behaviour of so-called Christians throughout history and up to the present day.

Well, I'm zero for four on the list of usual things, so I'm for sure making a contribution there! I've adjusted my behavior accordingly (gallon of water beside me, went for a walk, cut back on the ramen meals, but I'm definitely going to visit the doc in the morning. It'll be an excuse to get out of the house.

Daddy Dearest's has decided that if a "gift" is not used in the manner of his choosing and in the time frame of his choosing, he has the right to demand it back. The "gift" was an air mattress that he has demanded I replace my proper mattress with because he's convinced I'm the source of all his bed bug related troubles. I have no desire to replace a rather expensive, good quality mattress because my dad wants to feel like he's large and in charge over something and has decided that my life is an appropriate thing to try and control.

I'd rather not part with the air mattress as it can be useful to me, but my dad has no problem cornering people and causing a scene if it gets him what he wants and he has an excuse to be in town as he's passing through ferrying my mom to a cancer appointment. I want to visit the doc myself for the swollen feet situation, so I might just head there when he has the best chance of "visiting."

You know what, I might just hand it over anyway. Leave it outside by my door for him. While I would like to keep the air mattress, it ain't worth dealing with a now 71 year old man throwing a temper tantrum because he didn't get his way. He might throw his tantrum anyway as this is a man who has a pathological need to air his petty grievances, whether you want to hear it or not. I stopped listening a long time ago, but he's the type to repeat himself, over and over again and louder and louder, until you pay attention to him.

Better to just let him have the @#$& mattress and not be home while he claims it.

Geez, this sounds like me dealing with my mother. Yes, sometimes it's easier to give in and if it saves you the aggravation why not?

Tonight I was thinking of material things that were stolen from me when I was young - small things like a sweatshirt, a backpack and a pencil case full of sketching pencils. Yet because I had so little money these small things were huge. That sweatshirt was the nicest I ever owned - a quality they don't make anymore, with the logo from my university embroidered onto it. Years later I tried to find another like it but couldn't.


I don't know why it bothers me that these things were stolen from me. Perhaps because I found several expensive items and returned them all. But of course the world is neither fair nor just.


Maybe these small things became a metaphor for other things that were taken from me at a young age. My innocence. My confidence. My self-worth.

@Samicat I think you're being very insightful about the things you lost, both physically and mentally in your youth. You should give yourself some credit for that.

Last night I took 150mg of Seroquel for the first time. I still woke up during the night but I was able to get back to sleep, and I woke up at 5:30am, so I got about 7 hours of sleep.

I'm feeling a hangover effect though which is both good and not-so-good. It's good because the effect is keeping my anxiety in check which is nice. The not-so-good part is the hangover itself - I'm feeling very much slowed down. I hope this improves as the day goes on.

I have a ketamine clinic assessment today... finally! I've been patiently waiting for this for over a year.

I know you all enjoy hearing about the cats I volunteer with so here’s something from today:

There’s this pair of black cats at the place I volunteer, one is named Onyx and the other is named Ruby. They’re sisters and they’re so adorable, they are around 3 years old and were dumped on the street together. So freaking heartbreaking, I hope they get a good home together. They’re so sweet. And Onyx has this face that almost looks human , she’s got the saddest looking eyes , she’s so sweet and cuddly. I love them. Sir Batman is still there too, he’s wasn’t interested in coming out but he did seem interested in a toy when I held it out to him. He’s like 4 years old. I love them all. I hope they all get permanent homes. They all deserve the best

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@Blue Bird do enjoy hearing about the cats! Ooo they sound adorable. I do hope they get adopted together.

Tomorrow is the day I am going to make a food plan for the rest of the days of this week that is diabetes friendly.

Feels right to have set a special day. It's like when one stop smoking (nicotine). One sets a day, prepare oneself and is ready the day one starts. (I am referring to the Stop Smoking method many use when they want to get rid of their smoking habits even if I, myself, did quit using tobaco cold turkey many years ago).

Thank you so much. And good luck with the Seroquel. I had a paradoxical reaction to it (it gave me insomnia) but it helped my husband.

Day 8 of the cold. Like what is happening to me. I'm now on my 6th box of kleenex since this cold started. The nausea and stomach pain is a real ***** today too. I can't eat anything without it messing up my stomach. I just want answers so I can feel better. I was supposed to be getting a dog this summer and walking it all over the neighborhood and going back to work and getting my life together. Now I have to put the dog off until I can get these physical issues under control because I just am not in the right place to handle a dog right now considering I can barely breathe at this right effing moment. And I feel super guilty about not working. Its just been one thing after another since I moved 2 years ago. People tell me to go easy on myself and what I'm going through is justified. But its hard. I'm ok financially and I have great insurance. But I want to work. I did apply to 2 jobs about 1.5 months ago and I didn't hear back.

Thanks, @Samicat! If the Seroquel doesn't work, I have a couple of other options.

The Seroquel hangover cleared up by noon.

I'm back from the gym and it looks like I gained 10 pounds during the past month. Geez. I had a feeling I gained but not that much.

It was a tough workout, my arms need work and so does my core but that's no surprise.

I hear you. I've lost 7 pounds but gained 1 back just from a single day of breaking my diet. Sigh. Went back to gym today. Do you have much to lose? I am "obese" so would like to lose 40 lbs.

I was making goulash and Hubby showed up totally distracting me. He was doing something for me, but still, any distractions ultimately make me nervous. The onions I was caramelizing started to cook faster than they should in the meantime and at one point when I was quickly tending them, a rag I used as a potholder caught on fire. Then I inevitably got loud, which I do when I'm nervous and feeling overwhelmed, and he put his hands over his ears. I had to ask him nicely to please do what he wanted later.

Yeah our bodies are quick to gain but slow to lose.

I'm about 40 pounds overweight too, so I'd like to lose that.

I'm not getting to the gym as often as I would like because of the IOP program I'm in, but that'll end in about 2 weeks so I'll have more time then.

This day where I should make dinner lists for my diabetes, has become some sort of a "I don't want to do anything" day. I was a good cook once, but now with the high food prices and my small kitchen it feels like I have become some sort of a statue, just sitting here with lack of motivation. I think some of the "statue feeling" is a result of many May celebrations and few days with a proper structure. So I ask myself if there is some way of making "the statue" to move and I do the STOPP exercise. Stop - Take a breath - Observe (what are you thinking) : "I am stupid that let the morning hours get into nothing" - Pull back (Is there another way to think about this / what would other people say about this?) : "Yes, I am not stupid because I feel a bit down because of the food prices" / "Don't be so hard on yourself"- Practice what works : "I can solve the problem by putting it into parts: 1) I need to dress 2) I need to go to the basement and fetch some good brown bread from the freezer. I can make an omelet for dinner with slices of bread and butter". (Butter is too fat, but not forbidden, brown bread and eggs are OK for diabetes = 95% diabetes dinner). 3) Rest for half an hour after dinner while watching Netflix. 4) I need to de-clutter the living room so I have a nice room around me while making decisions tomorrow. I will do that in parts of 15 minutes at a time so I don't feel overburdened."

Yay!!! Particular problem for today is solved. I will start NOW!