Bipolar Check-In #76

You SHOULD believe your signature, rosi.

Remarkably enough, I think my pain is becoming slightly more tolerable. I still have bad bruising and swelling though. My pants don't fit. I read online the swelling can last up to SIX MONTHS. I'm going to have to buy new pants! My surgeon KICKED MY ***. I'm happy I have my post-op appointment on Wednesday.

I think my mild depression is passing. Just when i think it's here to stay i notice i am enjoying myself more. A lot of it has to do with the lovely Summer weather we are having.

@raspberrytorte:

Glad to hear you are seeing some improvement in your pain.

Thanks, Jane. And I'm happy your depression is passing!

Here I am at the breakfast table. I am angry! It is hard to be a senior. What shall one fight for? May be life lasts for 10 more years. My Christian values forbid suicide.

I miss my ordinary work and collagues. I miss having the parties before Summer and Christmas. I miss being treated like a person with knowledge.

I found a senior association. They had a New Year party at an hotel 22/23. I filled out the aplication, now, so I can participate at 23/24 and you know what. It didn't go through .

I am pissed!

I remembered that anger can be used as a constuctive force. After breakfast I will skip all my routines, put cotton in my ears, place a hat on my head and knit scarf around my troat and walk, walk, walk ....

I got about 4.5 hours of sleep before my pain woke me up. I got it under control with an Aleeve and a sulcrafate but then I couldn't get back to sleep. I fell asleep without eating dinner last night because of the same issues. I was really thirsty so I had a couple sodas and some water and I ate a protein donut and I took my morning meds and valium and no luck with sleep. I guess I just shouldn't be so hard on myself about getting good sleep and my weight right now until I know whats up with this pain.

I kind of feel like the song Chandelier this morning with drinks and meds. "One two three drink, one two three drink, throw them back till I lose count."

Edit: I got another 1.5 hours of sleep until pain and anxiety woke me up. I'm pretty sure it was mainly pain since 2 tylenol and a sulcrafate helped . But last night was a loss when it came to sleeping.

Didn't sleep too well, so I just decided to get up and at 'em around 4:30. Even being the night owl that I am, there's a certain charm to being "up before the world."

At any rate, I decided to get into the weeds of prescription drug prices, since come August, I'm going to have to start paying for them again. Started with a combination of Walmart's in house drug pricing, GoodRx discounts and my new insurance's quoted price for scrips. $53 a month! Mind you, Medicaid said I made $12 too much. $12 apparently justifies $53!?!

I will note that I couldn't tie GoodRx and my insurance together as I have neither card at the moment. The price could go down, but given the fact GoodRx provided no discounts worth a darn, I'm not optimistic.

Amazon, of all groups, might be riding in to save my skin! They have a mail order pharmacy that accepts insurance AND has special pricing for Prime Members if you end up paying out of pocket. Really good prices too! They also have a discount drug service (for lack of a better word) that let's me get three of my scrips for one $5 monthly charge.

Before this turns into a marketing email for Amazon, I'll say this: $29 a month is a much better amount than $53. And I haven't specifically tied my insurance policy in so I might be getting a little more off.

If it helps, I'll take it!

One big thing on my plate today is my labs. They will, hopefully, explain what's going on with my swollen feet and ankles.

The other big thing involves the electric company. Again. I have made two payments towards my balance, one being done a week ago. They have not updated their total and I would like to know why. I don't feel like losing my marbles because I lost power over a clerical error. Let's see how they respond.

@Mountaindewed Hope you will get a good night's sleep after this day!

@Aurelius710 Hope you will feel satisfied with your new health insurance!

I cannot understand why Americans prefer this kind of individual insurances in their states. I cannot understand why they call our way of doing it for communism. In communism, as it has been seen in the old Soviet, the state decided what was right and wrong, but we have free speech (except for hate speech wich is criminal).

In many European countries we pay a small part of our wages in addition to the "normal" tax. With this collective tax we can become sick and be put to a hospital for free. Some kind of illnesses like bad knees and similar there is a waiting line for, but it is free. If we loose our job and it takes some time before we get a new one, the government gives us a small amount of money to pay for rent and food and some cheap food, no food stamps. (For the time being after the war began in Ucraine, the money from the state to the poor people are a bit too small and volunteer organizations have to help a bit with food).

We have a fixed roof for what we have to pay for necessary medications in a year either we work or are out of work.

I cannot understand why you Amercans don't go together and fight for a system that takes care of the health of you all ... (I am only an ordinary person who do not understand. I am not a revolutionary).

I did go out today right after breakfast! I went to a water with ducks, sat there and enjoyed the view before I went to a café and bought tea and something to bite in. I went to the pharmacy and bought spray for my nose and I bought ginger sweets for my throat.

Feel better mentality and will now prepare my dinner.

Sometimes it feels almost claustrophobic to live alone. It sure did today. When one has become older, one has friends that are no longer among us. One can socialize with other people, but they cannot replace those who are gone. I try to keep the "social doze" constant in my life, but so there come times when one is sick and there is the times when most people go for vacation in the summer (I had an early vacation this year). It shall not be underlined too much that to live as an old single in our days, is not easy. I think that when we are able to make it, we shall be proud! One the other hand there are days when it is good to live alone. Like when one has been out and met some frustrating people. It's almost heaven to come home and don't have to talk to anyone.

I went to Barnes and Noble today. I haven't been in one of those since before the pandemic but I needed something for today. I got an adult color by number coloring book, and a complicated dot to dot book. I figured I really needed distraction from my pain and anxiety. And its working. I've been working on a super tedious mandela color by number. I've been doing it for 2 hours and I'm barely 1/4 of the way through.

But its kept my mind off my pain and improved my anxiety and its kept the TV off.

But 10 hours of sleep in 2 days is not good and I'm starting to feel it physically

I'm getting up at about 4am due to jetlag. The time difference is exactly 12 hours so day and night are reversed but I can't seem to sleep longer than 4am.

I have a significant seroquel hangover when I wake up that early. There's nothing to do at the time, which is good because I use that time to get started. I'm ok by about 6am, after 3 coffees.

I'm getting about 7 hours sleep, which is good although I'm used to getting about 10 hours.

I received my ketamine infusion schedule. It's 4 infusions, administered twice a week for two weeks. I have to be at the clinic at 6am and I meet someone to drive me home afterwards. My wife will drop me there and I might take an Uber back home.

My anxiety is low today, for the first time in 3 weeks...I didn't have to take my Klonopin today.

One of the nice things about traveling in Asia is that all the toilets have a bidet. Sometimes it's just a hand held spray head and other places have more sophisticated ones like I have at home. I've gotten so used to having a bidet, it was nice having access to them while traveling.

Finally after the hell that was June when I totally forgot about my nail appointment. I had my poor nails taken care of and got a haircut. Feel so much more human now.

The microwave came a day early! So now I can cook again!

My stylist said I look so much better and less stressed. The apartment must be agreeable for me.

S’more s for everyone! 😃

I just feel so discouraged. Yesterday i washed my balcony screen door down in the carwash bay. It was a big job. Today i am a mess of aches and pains and i'm out of painkiller. Just so discouraged that a simple chore could relegate me to the sidelines the next day. I so enjoyed the shower i took two days ago i was determined to take another one today. I've been lax about showering. But with these aching hands and body i don't dare. I've also been enjoying computing on the sofa but i think i have to reconsider that as well as it puts strain on my upper body, being at sharp angles, curled up in the sofa corners, operating the keyboard and lifting the computer from one sofa end to the other sofa end with one hand. Stupid, i know.

Just felt like complaining. Dismayed at how fragile i am. I guess i am getting older (56). It's only going to get worse.

Edit: I'm going to start swimming again!

Editted Again: I was reading on the "Building Good Habits" thread that ADLs (Activities of Daily Living) can be counted as exercise. So i decided i would get my ADLs under control before i pursue swimming. I've been neglecting showering and laundry. To that end i took a shower! It wasn't that hard. So niiiiiiiiice to be clean and have fluffy hair! Aces!

I had a 96 year old tell me that she still got hot flashes at night occasionally.
heavy sigh.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Been in bed all day with either a really bad cold or the flu. Whole body aches and nose won’t stop running. Feeling so lousy.

@Rosi700
When I was studying in the UK, I actually qualified for care under the NHS because of the length of my program. I loved it! Same day appointments with my PCP (with few exceptions), free prescriptions, free diagnostic testing. Bit of a waiting time for specialists, but at the time, it wasn't too bad. I was a free rider by virtue of my study abroad program but honestly, if was a British taxpayer, I'd happily fork over the extra money to cover it. I mean, my back surgery would have cost $40k out of pocket. Having a baby could easily be $20k. An extra grand in taxes seems to be a fair tradeoff to me! It's a shame what's happened to the NHS since I've been there.

You were wondering why there's no protests in the streets for better health care? (Something I would love to see!) My top two reasons: most insurance being tied to employment and at-will employment.

Unless you're very poor or very old, you have to have coverage through your employer. Private insurers won't sell to individuals and even if they did, it's cost prohibitive without an employer contribution (unless you're quite wealthy). The ACA exchanges don't negate this. When my employer starts enrollment in the fall, I will be obligated to sign up for their plan or risk having no coverage at all.

So, it's a catch-22. I have to go work a 40 hour week in order to make money to pay for the (sometimes shoddy) insurance to treat an illness that could be potentially keeping me from going to work. And there's no job protections for being sick in the US. Disabled? Sure. But bosses have the ability to fire you for being ill.

Which leads to at-will employment. In short, so long as your employer doesn't EXPLICITLY say they're firing you for organizing or being a protected class, they can fire you for anything and your recourse is to buzz off.

So, the people who would benefit the most from a better system also have the most incentive to not rock the boat. If Richie Rich's insurance policy is paying for your meds and Richie Rich is a capricious SOB who will fire you for looking at him funny, Richie Rich has leverage over you. It's hard to take a stand when your health can come crashing down as a result of someone's spite.

Speaking of spite. I'll mention Medicaid in my state and then I'll shut up. When I lost my job beginning of 2022, I immediately applied for Medicaid as my state approved Medicaid expansion by referendum. My state's politicians, being experts at sticking it to the voters when they vote for something they don't like, decided to implement the expansion, but not staff the office with enough people to meet demand. What was supposed to be a two week decision took five months. In that five months, I couldn't sign up with the ACA exchange or access any charity care because Medicaid hadn't made a decision. Yeah.

I'll leave it at that, but I could talk more!

Hi @Rosi700. As an American who lives in Europe, I can say that Czechs ask the same question you did about the US insurance situation and lack of (or inadequate) safety nets. My contribution to this is to offer the following answers: false propaganda (not unlike the former communist type, which is a paradox, for sure) with its lack of accurate knowledge/education, acceptance of the status quo, the thought that it's too hard to change now (Hilary Clinton called it akin to "wishing for a pony" to progressive Bernie Sanders), and on the other end of political spectrum it's politicians in the pockets of the private insurance and pharmaceutical industries. As for the mentioned status quo, there are also many Americans whose notion that "America is the greatest country in the world" is so extreme that no improvement in this realm is necessary. This is to a fault. When there are such changes (even good ones, in my view), some see them as bad, so want it back to what it once was. Also, as Aurelius710 mentioned, some potential improvements are sabotaged on the state level. So if some in such states see no real advantage, they see it as bad. They assume "big government is spending their tax money on something "frivolous" or for people other than them (aka them feeling reverse discrimination). I could list slogans used in these cases, but that will be too blatantly political sounding.

When it comes to disability, yes, there is that in the US, but it is hard to obtain, pays many very little, and scary to get off of. Scary because though there is a flawed transition option (called "Ticket to work"), once one passes the transition period, you can have a nasty hard time getting back on, if sick again. The very latter is not the case in Czech Republic. I see the Czech one as more of an incentive to get back to work. Also, many people in the US label those on disability as "leeches on society". Pretty mean! Whoops! I mentioned a slogan, and one form of stigma.

Anyway, I am MUCH happier with the Czech insurance system. Sadly, saying this to many Americans would inspire ridiculous wrath to the point of them saying "Good riddance!" to me. Believe me when I say that if many protections I have in Czech Republic were implemented in the US, I'd likely move back home.

One last issue:

The US currently has a two political party system. Only two choices to pick between. Though there are other parties, and even should be more, a third (or other) political party candidate doesn't stand a chance in **** of getting elected in the US. The system is set up to maintain that, unlike in most Europen countries. When a third party is voted for in a US presidential election, the candidate and their voters are deeply criticized. It's rather undemocratic, in a way. There's also the flawed electoral college system and geremandering, and more. Perhaps systems unfamiliar to many in Europe. Also, all US states get the same amount of senate representation, regardless of population and/or taxes paid by residents. This can ultimately give the minority party more power than the majority one, squashing more progressive proposals and implementing less popular ones.

If this post gets moved/removed, I can send it to you by PM, but I think this topic is significant for those with mental health issues.

@Aurelius710, @Soupe du jour

Thank you for your long answers! I am sure there are much good in the USA as well. I have visited and I liked it very well. People were nice and friendly, but what is so difficult for me to understand is that, as far as I have understood it, they call European societies for communist countries, because of the extra "sick" tax (the collective insurance) on top of the ordinary tax.

May be it has to do with Christendom in the origin. I mean many European people run from Europe because of the Catholic Church in some way or other was the dominant force before the reformation. People of other beliefs like followers of Jan Hus were forbidden to live according to their believes. These people and others fled to America to practice their faith. On the other hand there were uprisings here and there in France and in Spain, among others, from atheists (leftists) who wanted to get rid of Christendom.

I think that perhaps old views of Europe may have been delivered from one generation to the next, not necessarily as conscious stories, but as "something scary" the family once fled from ... America was the land where everything was possible if one worked hard enough ...

I shall not try to be a historian, which I am not, but when I was a child, we saw USA as a kind "big-brother". A relative of mine who was sick after WWII got packets through the Marshall plan, with among others chocolate that was not possible to buy in the stores at that time. Then we grew up and found out about the difference in health insurances (only by work places) in USA and our collective insurances in parts of Europe. I was hurt in a traffic accident as a child and there was no questions about if we had paid our health tax. My husband had free hospital for a surgery as a child. Since we grow up with it, of course we were shocked when we learned about how it was in the USA.

I think I do understand about the "two party system" in USA. Rich people will not have to pay for the health trouble of those not working hard enough.

Everything isn't OK in Europe and never was, but at least most of the European countries have some sort of "free health guarantee".

For this forum that should be of interest because many with Mental Disorders are not able to work. I was in another American forum once and remember a person with psychoses that was out of medication from the end of the Summer into far out in the Autumn. He suffered much! That would not have been possible were I live.

To sum it up, I do believe that there are many great "things" in USA (as well as in Europe), but I think that our system, with regard to who shall pay for health issues, is better.

For the time being we struggle in Europe (some countries more then others) because of the war in Ukraine and the stop of cheap gas from Russia (as is an European sanction against Russia). So what will happen in the future if this war continues for a long time, nobody knows. There are fewer young persons now than before (because of low birth rates), and that means fewer working people to pay for our Welfare Benefits.

PS. It is really difficult to write about something so complex at a few lines and to make it meaningful. DS.

@JaneOnceMore Sorry to hear about your body pain. It is good that you start swimming again and, yes, building good habits are crucial to make a good frame around a mental disorder.

I am still sick. Will stay inside today. I think I became a little more sick since I went out yesterday. Still the psychological benefits from that walk yesterday do that I don't regret that I did it.

Rosi, I was specifically responding to why the US does not have universal health coverage and why many falsely believe it "bad". I was not comparing Americans and Europeans overall. Certainly I feel all peoples around the world (all) are good.

Catholicism was certainly far from being the primary reason for the majority of immigration to the "New World" or US. That's a huge topic. As for Jan Hus, you're right that many of his followers were forbidden to practice their beliefs, but my husband says he's not aware of any really going to the US. Jan Hus was around only into the early 1400s. There were no major groups of settlers in the US from Europe before the early 1600s (or a few before). In recent centuries, people in Bohemia and Moravia were not pushed away for non-Catholic beliefs. In fact, around the time of Tomas Garrigue Masaryk (early 1900s, before the communist years), Czechoslovakians had a lot of religious freedom and many even fell away from it. Now, Czech Republic is the #1 least religious country in the world. Putting that aside, one might think that all Christians would favor universal coverage, as it would seem the Christian thing to do. Yet some don't. Certainly many people in the US of various faiths (and none) deep down wish there was universal coverage, or don't know it would benefit them. I believe it can and does fit even in an otherwise capitalist society. Many European countries are capitalist, but with good safety nets. No country needs to be a strictly "dog eat dog"/"survival of the fittest" place. That's ruthless! 10% of the US population owns 69% of the country's wealth and they also have extreme control over the majority. Of that 69% of wealth, the top 1% owns about 32% of it. In many cases, the wealthiest pay the least taxes in terms of percentage of their earnings. That's the case because they make it the case.

I've long thought a parliamentary system is superior to our system. In Germany there are 6 major political parties, and these parties almost always form coalition governments. The need to compromise is built into their system.

Here, however, our parties are deadlocked & the ability to compromise is dead. It wasn't always like thet, however. Republicans & Democrats were once able to reach across the aisle to reach compromises. Personally, I dislike both Trump and Biden, but I will have no other choice than to vote for Biden. While there been talk about launching a third party (Joe Manchin hasn't ruled it out), it would simply drain support from the Democrats. Trump should probably check our site out because he is a stark, raving sociopath!

I'm sorry to write about politics because things are so polarized now. Please don't hate me because I'm a Democrat. There are probably folks who hate me already, as I've posted regretable things in the past!

I've written about my new psychiatric nurse practitioner's ability to closely monitor my moods & adjust my meds as needed. I've been fairly stable since I've started seeing her. While I'm currently dealing with moderate depression, I'm not having the wild ups and downs I once had. There's a part of me that's deathly afraid of being too stable because I would lose my disability, Medicare, & access to an ABLE account, How sick is it to worry about getting better?!