Bipolar Check-In #76

@Soupe du jour thank you, they have several avenues for my family. Now to pick the best ones. I'm mostly scared for Miguel because it seems he's going backwards. He's now pacing all the time to the point he can't even do fun stuff and shutting down in public. He did all this work and has all these dreams just to be stolen from him. And his friends for the past 9 years no longer are talking to him. For a kid that's only 21 that's a lot.

She’s not a good friend. More than an acquaintance and she isn’t related to me but that’s how I met her. Though relatives. We talked book’s mostly. She was a wildly accomplished person. I’m sure her funeral will have hundreds of people there. She lived in a small town and knew everyone. But she is a loss.

I woke up last night around 3 wet coughing so badly it sounded like I had pnemounia. I took my temp and then went in the bathroom and spit in the sink to make sure I wasn't coughing up blood. This is excatly how my dad died. Everything was ok so I just coughed for a bit more and then slept until 8.

I felt under the weather today but more cold like then stomach like. I've been coughing and my throat and lungs feel weird and I'm tired. But I finally took a shower which is an accomplishment.

I was kinda hungry, but kinda not. Kinda wanted Chipotles. So I ate an apple and now I'm perfectly fine. Thats the kind of mindset I need to get consitently into.

Got my furniture delivered and I have my own reclining chair

I had a great dream about my anxiety and how I overcame in real life. On Monday I was very anxious in the morning so I listened to some music and managed to make the anxiety pass quickly.

In my dream, I did the same thing but I also told my pdoc about it and she was very happy for me. Even though it was just a dream, it was a positive one, something I haven't had in a long time. I'm really grateful.

Maybe the ketamine is still doing its magic? They said it's possible in the weeks following treatment.

I'm doing a lot of work around the house. It's hot and my back hurts. Only a few more days of this, and I'll be done. The house is looking great.

I went to Scrabble club! I actually got out and did something! I decided my purpose from now on for doing things is not to enjoy myself or socialize or win games, but just to avoid boredom. Well, what an exciting time i had! Three great games. Time flew. I actually won two and got two big plays. The one i lost was to an experienced, accomplished, and talented senior player, so i didn't mind so much. I put up a good fight. He's just so adroit!

I made a whole evening out of it by going for an early dinner to a diner i like in the area and then shopping in a discount department store i like there too. Bus rides were fine both ways. You couldn't drive there quicker!

This afternoon i had the best ZOOM support group i've ever had. I talked a few times. This has been a great day, the weather, everything. I've sure been hurting for a good day, and here it was! I

So we decided moving is nessicary for our happiness. I need to be able to function by myself but that means getting accommodations from HUD. The apartment I want is not in the city but we may have to give up our car. Meaning living at home would be easier but going for errands and appointments not as much. I want to live on a campus. They want the city. I think it was the fact my day was made because I actually managed to cook an egg and eat it by myself with no help in my kitchen for the first time since we moved in. I don't want to give up the car but I have to realize I can't have everything. Cars cost money here and we just don't have enough. I hate moving again when it's not our ' forever home ' but with me not being comfortable, dh on garbage duty for the whole apartment, Miguel backsliding into behaviors we need help our current system isn't providing. It really shouldn't be like this but it's.

When do you go to the ER for constipation. Its been a big problem since I started the carafate. My pain has been mostly fine up until now. My anxiety was tough last night. I took my Geodon as directed so I woke up feeling fine anxiety wise, but I was very tired. I needed 2 coffees to get me out of bed. I finally pulled myself out at 10. My anxiety and moods were still ok all day its just been these last 2 hours that things have been tough.

@Mountaindewed - I think after 7 days ...

I did go a little bit this morning. And sorry for the tmi, there was a lot of white and clear globs of stuff. I was like "what in gods name is going on with me?" Kinda freaked me out honestly.

I was extremely tired today, from my adventures yesterday, too tired to be bored. I went to bed 90 minutes late, so i expected to sleep-in, but then i woke up 30 minutes early. So that's two hours of sleep i was short. I spent the day quietly at home. It was another beautiful, mild Summer day.

I registered for a Scrabble tournament here in town in early September. It will be held in a pub, which is fun. After it turned out i was so tired today, tho, i will have to manage my energy carefully before the tournament. Anyways, something to look forward to!

I'm sitting in a hair salon getting my hair colored and cut for the first time in six months. I did get a bang trim a few months ago, but from a village barber lady. I only trust the guy I'm seeing today in Prague. He did a great job last time. I like him, but boy does he talk fast and a LOT (in English). I have to really concentrate as he speaks with a Vietnamese accent. He's out smoking while my color sets. Reprieve!

This is not a casual statement when I say I am exasperated with my sister. After loads of stress and likely nearly $3,000 in lawyer fees (my lawyer), she did a 180 and stated she might decide not to buy me out of remaining land of our dad's estate. From the day I arrived in the US for the funerals, she stated she wanted to to keep it in her family. Now and only now (four months later) she's considering the cons. She even admited (not realizing how bad it came across, or who knows) that her plan was to maybe buy it to only immediately put it on the market for a profit. Hers. How nasty is that?!?! I'm hurt and furious. I did not respond to that email. She almost never calls. I will say nothing. She (or she and her husband) is a vulture. As my last biological immediate family member, along with her son, this is yet another kind of loss for me. I told Hubby that I bet that her husband even voiced that it was a shame I didn't die soon after Dad, too. I bet he wishes my sister inherited it all. You can't imagine my grief.

Oh soup, I’m so sorry. What a lot of unnecessary drama she is creating.

Yesterday I was a whirlwind as I cleaned and did clothes. In between it all I had TCM on which had a marathon of Bob Hope and Bing Cosby’s road pictures. They don’t require close attention so I got a lot done. Even took a shower. Today I’m all ready for the visitation. I decided to only go today and not go to the funeral tomorrow. It’s a small church and 100s will be there.

The night hours were bad. The temperature dropped outside so the AC wasn’t running but it got so hot in here. I opened the window and it cooled off some but was so humid and damp it wasn’t much relief. Then Sir hopped up wanting breakfast. I don’t have the heart to be mad at him. He so rarely wakes me. I imagine he was really hungry. He’s a skinny guy who doesn’t eat much, so when he wants to eat I’m only too happy to feed him. But as a result, I’m very tired.

I had wanted a pair of Nike panda dunks for a couple weeks. I finally found a pair today online on a legit site. It was a hassle ordering them though. I had to use my phone, then my ipad, then verify I was human. The page crashed a bunch of times. Finally I got them. I then had the anxiety of waiting of if my order would be processed or cancelled. Too many people ordering at once and not enough merchandise or something. But I got a shipping notice about 1.5 hours ago.

I had therapy today. She thinks I'm depressed because of my medical stuff and thats why I'm not showering or leaving the house. She told me to use my sun lamp 15 minutes every morning. She also said that if I ever get a sudden burst of energy to take advantage of that to do stuff. That has happened a few times recently and I have been able to get stuff done when I get these bursts of energy.

My stomach hurts today but I slept last night so I'm not that tired

Weighed myself this morning and I’ve lost exactly 7 kg. I’m now half way … have 7 kg more to go by December. I got this!

Congratulations 🎉🎊

Congrats, @Crazy Hitch! What has been your weight loss strategy? Are you losing the weight while still on a less than weight friendly medication mix? I absolutely need to lose weight now. I now that stress reduction would help a lot, but I would also need to do the work of watching my food intake and adjust from fattier options to less so.

I'm just holding it together. I feel a bit tortured, though. I want to cry every day. I wish people in my life would be kinder to me. I feel like no one cares other than my husband and even he seems not as supportive as I would like. He's been taking one of my medications because he's struggled to get enough of the same medication from his doctor. Now he's exhausted my supply. He's done this kind of crap with one of my other medications in the past. I wish the sucker would just take his own and leave mine be. I already told him he can just take all of that med and I'll stop it, even if my blood pressure skyrockets. He's being self-centered. I am getting furious. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My stupid sister emailed me today as if she didn't even send the last horrible message. Is she playing games with me? Or is she such an oblivious type that she doesn't understand that her behavior is torturing me? I wish she'd just get this boloney done and out of the way. I can't stand it! I can't stand it anymore!!!!!!!! She sent me photos of the land as if shoving it in my face. I don't care that she's standing there gloating. I've had enough. I wish she wouldn't email me again. I'm hating the thought of it. Hating my situation. Hating it all now. Almost hating her. I just can't stand it!

I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much Soupe. I hope things improve soon, I am sending good vibes your way

Hi
I am not the type to do a quick vent. I'll get my skill set back in order. Years of sitting in 12 step years ago rubbed off somewhere.

I am always weary of the beginning of fall weather and light. My SAD will kick in even in sunny FL. That then can aggravate a bipolar mood change.
I was so excited about watching the World cup soccer and then suddenly my interest just dropped off. Not even excited about the Final tomm. It is stuff like that that makes me nervous!!

I feel a lot better today. Last night was tough. I woke up twice coughing a lot and it took awhile to get it under control. The second time I was coughing so much it caused stomach pain. Then my nose started running all over the place. I'm not sure whats up with this sudden coughing in my sleep. Anyways I got everything under control and then I slept in super late until 8:54.

My moods and anxiety have been fine all day. I actually made a decision on what to get for lunch. Jersey Mikes. I switched from Pepcid to Zantac yesterday and I think thats making a difference in how I'm feeling.

I suddenly fell asleep for 45 minutes. I don't remember falling asleep or even feeing tired. I wonder if Zantac causes fatigue.

I joined a dietician/nutritionist I saw advertised on Facebook. His program runs for 23 weeks so it’s not a quick fix. You calculate your macros and calories every day and log what you are eating through his app. I’m still on lithium which was the partial culprit but I did stop the one antidepressant last year that wasn’t weight neutral.

I feel lousy. No energy or hope. I guess my mild depression is back. I cancelled out of the Scrabble tournament. I'm not up to it. It's turned cold here. There was a windchill factor when i got up this morning.

Soupe, i'm sorry to hear your sister is being so difficult and your husband is contributing. Sending best wishes for some relief soon.

Nearing the end of my "Friday" at work. Soon as I clock off, I'm going to go see Oppenheimer. It's a long movie (3 hours), but I'm a history buff so it should be enjoyable.

I might have to deal with my cousin (and the family dynamic around my cousin) again. Long story short, he had a confrontation with one of his neighbors in which he was accused of (effectively) drunk and disorderly conduct. He has a speech impediment that leads to him slurring his words. Being angry wouldn't help him in that regard either. He could have actually been drunk as well. He'd protest that, but I've seen him very intoxicated before.

The results of all that led to him being sent a "Shape up or ship out." letter as he lives in low income housing. If he actually gets evicted, I will not take him in. The last time the two of us lived together, we lasted a week before I booted him to the curb. That, and he's generally obnoxious and insufferable and patronizing rolled into one.

Thankfully, someone in his sphere is taking up his cause. I'll let them have at it.

Oppenheimer was great, it didn’t feel like 3 hours at all. The cast is fantastic.