Bipolar Check-In #76

It's been exhausting. just the personal up and down of this stupid reunion planning and for it to end this way. Good news is it was taken away from me and is no longer something for me to work on. Bad news is, I feel slighted and cheated.

I've worked really hard these past two weeks to prepare us for a real Reunion-- the kind that takes many months planning and hard work. I've done so much in terms of setting things up and working us towards a goal. I'll spare you all the details but when I asked if people wanted a formal/semi-formal type of reunion I got a great response. I made a committee of people who said "If you want some help let me know!" -- I pitched my first preliminary ticket price after countless research and finding the best prices I could of around $50 to compensate our costs. It was a little steeper than I would have liked personally, and they were adamantly against it -- so I looked for ways to cut corners. Then our venue option fell apart. ... and then the claws came out.

I offered to put in some money towards the reunion to help drive ticket pricing down. I got a very negative and borderline rude reaction to that... but it makes sense why a little later. You see, a particular member has poked a bunch at the idea of "maybe something less like what you want and more like a taco truck in front of a bar". -- Nothing wrong with this idea, but its A) not what I envisioned and B) we can fight all day about what a class reunion is, but it's more than a definition of a gathering of people. There were certain aspects, which weren't costing anything, but just my time, that I really wanted to encompass. Dancing, music,. games and activities I planned, etc. I really wanted a sit down meal of sorts, but it was looking out of the budget.

I live in a small town and there is a bar on main street that is relatively big, but not a lounge or really adequate for parties. He said he wouldn't close the bar down and we'd just mingle with other patrons around 6 to 7, he'll put us on one side of the bar and bring our own snacks. ( Again, nothing wrong with this idea.. but definitely not idea for any of the more traditional things I wanted to do). But, venue would be free..

As a last ditch effort to try to salvage just a little of what I had planned... I offered we use a cheap, large venue so I could decorate (I've had banners and memorabilia plans and even outsourced people to help create things), play the games I had in mind, sit down to eat the Olive Garden they've agreed on price wise, dance, etc. and then maybe transition to the bar for drinks.

response? "I dont know.. I think more people will come this way." -- everyone agreed


It's clear that they never had intention of letting my idea of the reunion flourish. I'm a little hurt they took every aspect of what I wanted from me. They may be right, what they want may be successful and they'll get people to come... but I hardly see the need for a 5 person committe and 9 months to plan it out. Hell, they planned the entire thing in 2 hours and seem very proud of themselves. I wish them success, but my feelings are hurt.

Worst part is I cant do anything to address it because I dont want drama and these people would just spin it to me being irrational.

I just wish I didn't feel so beat up by everyone. No one was on my side from the beginning and I was fighting a losing battle.

Things are still up in the air here. Trying to find a new place. I still don't have a psych or therapist. I run out of meds in February. My daughter has her first appointment at the gender clinic tomorrow. She's talking about dropping out of school. She's deeply depressed. Her new meds she has to jump through hoops so it hasn't been sent yet. She's 21 so I can't help. I'm not depressed just overwhelmed and things just aren't going fast enough. I'm in all these FB groups but I'm not finding help I'm finding classism. I'm trying to put what little money we have for voice training. Our car got towed once again. We just can't catch a break. The apartment isn't taking care of here. I just wanted to move to a complex with parking. We've decided we have to keep the car. I've been spending my free time sleeping.

Mom called me from the dentist’s office and asked me to call AAA for her as her car wouldn’t start. I did. Before they arrived, she discovered that she got into a car that wasn’t even the same color as hers and tried to start it. I’m not laughing or making fun of her. I am concerned for a few reasons. I’ve tried to take the keys away because I’m willing to take her anywhere but she remains resistant and my sister doesn’t support me in that so it’s a complicated situation.

I have an anxious attachment style and am in a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style. It’s an interesting dynamic. I’m learning a lot how to effectively manage that combination for optimal effect.

I’m doing okay. Have not seen signs for SAD yet. Hopefully I won’t.

Going to get my COVID booster next Monday. I’ll feel a bit better then about going out in public.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Well it turns out he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend. Mania mind: gotta love it. Ironically, I slept till 4:30 pm today. Didn’t wake up at all. I did take some Benadryl around 1 am so maybe that made me sleep longer. Never called my case manager like I said I would. Better do that tomorrow. Set three alarms and trying not to have to take meds to sleep. Man life was better on Klonopin !

@Nammu what dose of gabapentin are you on? I've found it pretty consistently good for sleep. I take 1200 at 8:30 with my other meds and then 500 mg more at 11:00. Even that is not a low dose; I've been on 2700 mg before in the hospital and just after coming home. I did have to find the exact right dose for it to work and that took some jiggling.

I hope you get some sleep.

Just 300mg prn . 1200 mg Oh boy, that’s sooo many pills. But I’m getting desperate. Last night around 3:30 am I was so frustrated I screamed out loud and Sir came running to see what was wrong. It didn’t occur to me until then that maybe my neighbor heard me! Oh joy! Then I fell asleep for only a couple hours.

Just 300mg prn . 1200 mg Oh boy, that’s sooo many pills. But I’m getting desperate. Last night around 3:30 am I was so frustrated I screamed out loud and Sir came running to see what was wrong. It didn’t occur to me until then that maybe my neighbor heard me! Oh joy! Then I fell asleep for only a couple hours.