Have you accepted...

Have you accepted your mental illness diagnosis and how do you feel about it? How do you deal with it?

At my appointment my therapist recommended I do some self reflection over the past twenty years of my life, since that's how long our cat lived, and I'm depressed and sad and anxious. I miss my cat! But I'm so numb inside I can't even cry about it. How pathetic is that? I mean, I WANT to cry. When I was twenty-one I never thought this is where I would be twenty years later.

We learned about radical acceptance in group.

I've realized, through journaling and reflecting that I HAVEN'T actually accepted my illness. I found out that I'm quite bitter and angry about it. I boo hooed quite a bit. I've never done that before.

I can't change my illness. How do I learn to accept it? I'm going to ****ing start crying right now!!! I've entered boo hoo land and don't like it. I want to be a normal person!

I feel like a complete failure at life.

I know. ****ing BOO HOO. SHUT UP RASPBERRY!!!!

I have four diagnoses right now (schizoaffective-bipolar, bpd, bulimia, and substance use disorder). I've accepted them all, but I'm uncertain if it's actually sza or bipolar as most docs I've seen are as well and a couple were actually pretty convinced it was bipolar (but once you go schiz, it never is). It's a process. I've gone back and forth a lot. Journaling, reflection, working on insight with a therapist, etc.

As a side note, my full "too many drugs fked you up" dx is "Other psychoactive substance use, unspecified with unspecified psychoactive substance-induced disorder." Specific, eh?

I have not accepted any of my illnesses. I've been kicked out of several schools for performance. Still only gave up when aid ran out. Still taking about going back or applying for scholarships for school alternatives. I'm constantly thinking if I could only get through schooling I'd be able to work and support my family. And I'm not that disabled to have all these problems. I see it trickle down to my daughter if she could just finish school and find a job she'd be okay but honestly that's probably not the case. How do you accept it but not lose hope and the drive to try? I don't know if I want to be normal because then I lose parts that make me. I wish I was more capable. I wish I could do all the things others think I can do. I don't know how. But I understand.

I don't think acceptance is about losing hope; I think it really involves gaining it. Acceptance about realizing that what you're dealing with isn't the the norm/healthy/working (or whatever may be the situation depending on what you're trying to accept). You can't truly improve a situation until you accept what it for what it is.
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I think that's why I'm going to really get better this time--because I've realized "this is a problem, this is one aspect of myself, this can be worked on, and I will work on it." Yeah, it freakin' sucks right now and I'd rather live in denial continuing to spiral just because that's how I've always lived and I'm comfy that way, but right now I have hope that the future--through hard work in therapy, taking meds as prescribed, using learned skills, and finding a good environment--will hold better things.

I have for sure accepted my diagnoses, but that doesn't mean I like having these psychiatric issues. I would much prefer to be mentally and emotionally healthy. But for whatever reason, my brain isn't wired like a healthy person's brain. And I see proof of this every single day. I mean, it's a fact of my life that I have these problems. There's no way not to accept that. But that also doesn't mean I have to completely give up (though of course there have been many times I've wanted to) or spend the rest of my life living in a cave. It's like any chronic health condition, it's about learning to manage it as best you can.

I'm old now, I will be 60 in a few months. A lot of my life is in the rear view mirror. But despite my mental health problems, my life hasn't been a total unrelenting disaster. And to the outside world, I managed to live a very full life for much of my adulthood (even though I had horribly dysfunctional "coping mechanisms" for a lot of that time, not to mention a ton of turmoil).

But my point is, even if someone is Bipolar or has Major Depressive Disorder or any other serious mental illness, you can still have a life.

Where it does get really tricky I personally feel, is when the illness isn't well managed. Some people get lucky and find a good medication combo and they notice significant remission/improvement in their symptoms. And they remain stable for large periods of their lives. Other people either don't respond very well to medication or have horrible side effects, or the pain is so bad they keep needing to go into hospital. Or worse. That is definitely a really challenging way to have to live. It's challenging enough even if you get partial remission.

I'm never going to be someone who says "I wouldn't change a thing. Everything I've experienced has made me who I am today". Nope. I would change plenty if I could. But I can't.

I do worry that, as I'm aging, I'm becoming more dysfunctional. I do so much less now than I did, even 5 years ago. My world has become a lot smaller than it was. And my mental health plays a huge role in that. I can definitely relate when you talk about wanting to be a normal person and feeling like your life is a failure. I constantly have thoughts like that. Like, every day. But I try and remind myself that there have been good times too, even prolonged periods of time - many years - when I was high functioning despite my inner struggles/demons. And I bet that's the same for you too

Acceptance..4 of the 8 duckduck definitions use the word "accept" - sweet.

I guess it's somewhat related to being in agreement, possibly favorable but in my opinion I've always thought of it more neutral. Maybe "valid" is as far as I've thought of it.

Recently I've been experiencing symptoms. And Ive been consciously trying to get some sun. Otherwise, I don't think about my disorder to a point where it stops me. I think of my symptoms, consequences of my actions in the past, and such as energy to mitigate risk in the future.

Once I think about something and have a general plan, maybe I even need to write it down if it's specific enough, then I forget about it until it comes up again. What I mean is once I feel as though ive "figured something out" to the best of my ability, I move on to the next issue whether it is analyzing a social situation at work, working to understand my girlfriend, or simply taking care of obligations.

The more you can free up mental space the better. This doesn't mean forget it forever. This means do your best to understand, make a mental note of your conclusion, and move on for the moment.

I'm sorry you're having troubling thoughts RT - but I am confident you can overcome. Why? Because you're even being self aware about it and asking good, tough questions

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies. I really appreciate it.

I talked with my therapist about this situation and she said there's nothing wrong with being angry about a shytty diagnosis. I inherited it from my mom's side of the family, and I can't help feeling a little pissed off at them. I know it's not really their fault. I mean, it's genetics. I'd rather be alive than dead, so I'm not mad I was born or anything.

I just have a bad relationship with that side of the family in general. Particularly my cousin, who's a complete dickhead to my husband. I'm not going to my grandma's funeral when she eventually passes. I have DISOWNED myself!!!

My anxiety disorder bothers me the most. It's this constant, never-ending feeling of anxiety and dread in the pit of my stomach. It gets in the way of everything in my life. I've accepted my GAD, but the schizoaffective bipolar is a little harder. I keep on messing with my meds, taking too much (seroquel) or too little (loxapine) because I think I'll be fine. I'm in the throes of intense loxapine withdrawal right now. It feels similar to benzo withdrawal. If I had known this med would be so uncomfortable to taper off of, I would have said HELL no to going on it in the first place!!!

Anyway, I'm rambling now. I apologize. I'm just really having troubles with radical acceptance here.

I just need to ACCEPT I have an illness (besides GAD) and that I need to take meds to help me manage my symptoms 😫. Boohoo!

Great. Now I'm boohooing again!

I'm just so... MAD at that side of my family!!!! And I know that's totally unfair of me.

I really like what your therapist said about it being totally appropriate to feel anger about a crappy diagnosis. That is so true. I actually think you probably have to accept the fact that you're angry about it before you can start to accept the diagnosis!

I can totally relate to the way you describe your anxiety as a constant feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach. I'm right there with you on that. I get panic attacks too and that just adds even more dread about when I'm going to have another one!

Med changes can be so rough, especially if there is withdrawal involved. I'm really sorry you're going through a hard time with that. Really glad you have a good therapist.
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It was easier to accept the diagnosis after I learned some coping skills and wasn’t so off kilter all the time. Also easier once meds started helping, which for me happened once I stopped the ADs. It was hard to accept when my life was a mess because I resented the illness and ranted and raved against it. Often doing the very things that exacerbated it.

You seem to have some real nice outlooks and perspectives on life outside of the anger which I love.

Anger is a hard one. It really is.

We've only got what we've got though.

I'm about to break my television all the commercials, celebrities, new stories, they piss me off.

For me it just feels like the universe is trying to tell me something.

You've had a bad childhood, you've ended up alone and you've failed at life, now let me dig in the nail in further..

The funny thing is that if I woke up tomorrow cured, I wouldn't know what to do with myself or how to feel about it.

I think I've just accepted that the universe is not on my side regardless and it's only a downhill battle from here.

I accepted my BP1 diagnosis years ago. I have even been relatively to fully stable for most of three years. I no longer lament that I have the diagnosis, but still wish I didn't have residual challenges (incl. a bit of trauma) from my worst years, and my medications, to a lesser degree. It's damned hard!

I don't dwell on "could haves" and "should haves", because the past is the past. Gone. Dwelling on what can't be changed is an exercise in futility. However, I still have "wish I coulds" for the present and future. Truth is, there is a lot I CAN do, but I must work within that scope, yet not let it limit me. Accomplishments are not always measured in the same way for all. They are relative.

I have long accepted the diagnosis. Before I accepted, I had fought it but it is in the past.

Right now it is hard to accept that I simply have fewer waking hours during my days than most people due to my illness.

For me it's cyclical. I generally have accepted it and what the effects on my life have been. Then I go through a spell like I have been doing recently where I am just so frustrated by the things I wish were in my life that aren't because of bipolar. I've been talking about this a lot in therapy recently and my therapist has been reminding me that I am sad over real losses, not just feeling sorry for myself (my default thought). We'll talk about it for a while longer then I'll be done again for a while but sometime it will come back. And then it will go away again.

The main result of my recent neuropsych exam was major depressive disorder, so I started Effexor and CBT. And I had already been taking Nuvigil because I'm have sleep apnea and daytime sleepiness.

Not sure about "acceptance" but I'll go along with the treatment plan. My opinion of the DSM is that it's filled with set of symptoms that haven't been explained by a physiological cause.

I hope that medical research into "long haul COVID" will reveal that other infectious diseases also can present as depression.