Bipolar Check-in #80

So the car got fixed. Dad's going to come pick it up. Then pick me up two weeks late then drop me off 2 weeks after that. I woke up with a stye. I feel bad for my dad with all the driving. So I get my SDit next month. I have to refigure out things without a car. I changed from Walmart+ to instacart. I'm going to try and stop worrying about Victoria's school because she always chooses to go back. Her girlfriend is putting on pressure to get a job and move out. So we'll see how that goes. I have my reservations about this girl but I can't tell anyone. I really need a therapist. H is pushing her to find a job. So are my parents. She's still struggling thinking about PHP. I'm doing better need to do my hair and take a shower. See pdoc in 12 days.

Got a SSDI review sheet in the mail. Just one form this time. Hoping that's a good sign. Last time it was like applying for SSDI all over again. HUGE pain in the ***. Don't really understand how to fill out the form correctly, but luckily I have an appointment with my therapist this morning at 8:30am and am going to have her help me. 😊 Hoping I don't get denied. I'm assuming I won't. It's not like I miraculously recovered in the last four years.

My thoughts are starting to scare me. I'm having intense rated R sexually explicit thoughts about men other than my husband. I'm upset because we were supposed to have a romantic date night tonight, some fun ALONE time, and now we're stuck going to his mom's house and hanging out with his snobby family from Kansas.

😡 😡 😡 😡

I'm NEVER getting any! Our old babysitter can't hang out with our daughter for the next two weeks because she has stuff going on. Husband is starting his long work weekend tomorrow. I'm DYING here!!!! I had awful thoughts about calling my sister and seeing what she's doing this weekend and going to a bar and finding some random guy. WHAT THE FUKK IS WRONG WITH ME! WHY WOULD I EVEN HAVE SUCH AN AWFUL THOUGHT?! GOD RASPBERRY!!!! Ugh.

I'm able to keep down hint water which is like this flavored water but its not sweet. But I can't keep down any tea or coffee or liguidiv or juice. I drank a bottle of pineapple hint and I kept it down. So I think I'm ok, I just had to figure things out.

My therapist told me to go to the ER if I don't feel medically safe. Lol. I've never heard that one from a therapist.

I'm keeping an eye on things

My niece is going for an assement because she isnt talking much. I mean, she isn't even 2 yet. What do they expect from her?

I don't know what's up with me lately. I've been having bad dreams. The night before last I dreamed I was being shot at with an assault rifle and a man lying down beside me had been shot in the head. Last night, I had a dream that both my sisters had died. Ugh. I haven't been having any paranoid dark thoughts during the day; I really don't know what is going on with my dreams. I hope I won't have any bad dreams tonight.

Otherwise, I'm stable moodwise. I saw the neurologist the other day, and he told me my iron stores were still low and that is probably why I've had so much cramping in my feet lately with the peripheral neuropathy. So I've ordered more iron pills. I had been taking iron, but it makes me constipated, and I didn't reorder when my bottle ran out. If I can't get my iron stores up and if the cramping won't go anyway, the neuro. doc said I'd need to see a hematologist for another iron infusion. God, I hope not. I've had 2 iron infusions in the past, and they are a giant pain.

My pdoc approved the increase in Rexulti since I seem to be tolerating it well. So now I'm at 2mg.

Hopefully something good comes out of this.

My pdoc mentioned that they're accepting patients for psilocybin treatment trials. They administer psilocybin and then do talk therapy while the drug is taking effect. It's worth a try, so I asked my pdoc to refer me. They said this is for people that failed to respond to ketamine like I did.

My therapist actually told me today she thought I was a tad hypo. I opened up to her about my awful intrusive thoughts about cheating on my husband and she grew VERY concerned and said she would write a note for my psychiatrist if I wanted, mentioning my hypersexual feelings and lack of sleep. I told her I would never ACT on the thoughts, that they just disturbed me. I don't know why I'd have such awful thoughts! I love my husband SO much. My lustful urges are just OVERWHELMING. I CAN'T STAND IT!!

And my husband is so down feeling right now and stressed out. It would break his heart if he even KNEW I had such awful intrusive thoughts! He's my best friend forever, my mate for life, the love of my life. SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH ME.

😭 😭 😭 😭

I got the SSDI paperwork filled out for the most part, just waiting for my therapist to text me a couple hospital stay dates and I'm good.

My mom said my irritable bowel stuff can be considered a disability. I told her I keep having this dream about going back to work and it being great. I know everyone is a lot more understanding now that theres a physical issue keeping me from working.

Today was ok. I was pretty sick around 10. Then I got very lethargic and I took a half hour nap. I woke up feeling much better. I'm still keeping the hint water down. I had 3 or 4 16oz bottles of it. And I kept dinner down. The zofran stopped causing anxiety. So I'm ok today.

I only took 1 zofran and I only took 2 of my 3 valiums. Sounds good to me.

I got a job, I had an interview Tuesday, got the job offer during the interview, did a drug test there onsite immediately after the interview and submitted my background check and all my results came in today and they set me up to start Saturday at 7am for orientation. It’s at a home improvement store. I’m a fulfillment team associate. So they’re gonna have to train me to use things like forklifts and pickers to move stuff and fulfill orders. And I will take peoples orders to their cars as well. It’s gonna be a ton of physical activity and a learning curve cause I have no experience with power equipment but they said they’ll train me for that. It’s part time. So about 25 hours a week. It’s a little out of my comfort zone but I feel once I get the hang of it it will be a lot better than cashiering was for me.

Congratulations!!

Thank you! I’m a little nervous about the whole power equipment thing. But we’ll see how it goes. I’ll do my best

Congratulations!

Husband and I had a date afternoon instead, so I got some love. Beforehand I opened up to him about my awful intrusive thoughts and started bawling. 😭 I don't know what's wrong with me! Why am I acting so out of character right now? I've never been this hypersexual ever in my entire life! I'm freaking the fukk out. I'm having a serious situation right now. We're at Husband's mom's house and all I want to do is go home. I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack. I need to chill out. Somehow. I'm having a moment.

What a day! My mom and I moved my (heavy) mattress and bed frame out of my room this morning and put down a new pad and rug (yay! I need this to keep my bed from sliding across the floor and it was my birthday present. My birthday was in January. I took my time . So that was a lot of work in the heat but we got it done and it looks so nice.

Then the cat had to go to the vet for a check-up and shots. No big deal, just a pain because she hates the experience. But working together we easily loaded her up and we were in and out in 50 minutes with a very clean bill of health so it couldn't have been easier. Until we got home and she started vomiting. At first I thought it was from the stress but it kept on and on and she was throwing up nothing but phlegm so back to the vet. (Thank God the vet is 7 minutes from home). She scared me on the way because she wasn't crying and if I reached in her carrier and touched her she'd move away but not cry. So they got her in and she had a fever, was breathing very fast and was generally a sick little girl. They thought she might need oxygen but after observing her for 45 minutes her breathing slowed down to half what it started at. She got nausea and benadryl shots and actually stopped vomiting before I left my house (but she clearly needed to be seen).

We're home now and she's staying under my bed. She's kept food and water down. She just doesn't like me much right now. I'm not sure if she's mad at me or just groggy and not engaging with me.


I feel so bad for her. She's allergic to her rabies shot but nothing like this. With that one she threw up a few times after she got it so she gets a shot of benadryl before she gets it. Between my mom and I we cleaned up about 20 vomits this time. She had to have felt (and feels) awful. The vet recommended avoiding shots unless she needs them to board. I'm just going to have to find someone who can check in on her when I am away after this year. I've never tried that because she is shy and I'm not sure a petsitter would ever lay eyes on her.



I probably need to climb under my bed and make sure she's still there. She was when I took a shower and she's not been visible since then so I'm pretty sure she is but she also hid behind the couch for a long time.This is weird; she usually is right by me all the time.

All the stress has left me tired!

@Blue_Bird Congratulations!

Thank you blueberrybook and beyond the rainbow and hugs to everyone

Congratulations @Blue_Bird

Counseling went mostly well today. This new counselor said "that sounds kind of entertaining" when I told her one thought that comes with paranoia is Jesus is going to come off of the crucifix in my living room and start running around. She even smiled at this idea when I told it to her. I agree it's a ridiculous, and quite strange, image to have pop into my head but was still annoyed that this was her response. I just responded by telling her this ridiculous image is very distressing to me because it's a sign of hypomania which sucks.

I bought an optical illusions coloring book to try. It triggered my vertigo symptoms. So, now it will go to school with me and I'll make copies to have available if a student wants to work on one if they finish their work early. Instead, I'm going to look for a beginner's cross stitch to try.

Cross stitch? Best to be careful @June08. You might wind up with Jesus running around your living room. Kidding...

Congrats, @Blue_Bird!

Congratulations @Blue_Bird and a big plus is that you'll learn how to use a fork lift and other power equipment!

@BeyondtheRainbow

Sorry to hear your kitty was so sick. I hope she's back to her normal self now.

@Blue_Bird

Congrats on the new job! I'm sure you'll do excellent.

Anyway, I'm feeling MUCH better today. Going to spend my time listening to my audiobook so I can approve it for final production.

@BeyondtheRainbow
How is your cat doing? I'm sorry she was so sick. That would be scary. I have 3 cats myself, and it's hard when one of them isn't feeling well.

I had a pretty uneventful day. I went to the library with my daughter today. I've been reading a lot lately. I had 6 books to return to the library, and I read them all within the past week. Two of the books were shorter cozy mysteries that read fast, but is way more than I was reading a year ago. I went 3 or 4 years without being able to concentrate to read a single book. I was taken off a several medications I'd taken for years in December 2023 - lithium, lamotrigine, hydroxyzine and I'd also tapered completely off clonazepam within the past year or two, and since then, I've found I'm able to read actual books again. Not sure if it was one of a combo of stopping those meds that helped my reading concentration, but I am extremely grateful to be able to read again like I could as a kid, teenager and early 20s. It may sound weird, but it was a blow to my identity not being able to enjoy the one hobby I used to love so much.

I haven't thrown up much today. Only a couple times. I can keep water down. But I am so exhausted I can't get out of bed. I restarted my vitamin D. So hopefully it helps and doesn't give me much trouble. Last time it gave me some anxiety.

I accidently gave myself my shot the wrong way on Wednesday and now I have a big blue and purple bruise with a white middle on my stomach.

But mainly today I'm just tired. My anxiety has been ok lately. I'm not relying quite as much on my valium.

@Blueberrybook:

I'm glad to hear you were able to resurrect your reading hobby. I was a voracious young reader too but since i got really sick i haven't been able to read for pleasure. I've developed another hobby, but i still miss reading. I'm happy for you.

Before this "no safe experience" crap, I was doing "baby stims," and OMG I actually read books. That was when I read The Body Keeps the Score, the first three Harry Potter books, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, and some shytty book from the library, I think it was called Atalanta. All in less than a month, and it felt great to actually read a sentence and understand it.

Nothing interesting happening on my end. Painfully bored.

It's Hike Naked Day. So happy trails!

She's doing better, thanks. It was very scary (especially because it had similarities with how her brother died). Today she's been lethargic and not really coming out from under my bed. The vet said that sounded like pain so she got pain meds. Amazing little pills that can go in food and work for 24 hours. I never thought I'd get a pill in a cat but I just stuck this in some wet food (which she'd never had before) and she gulped it down. When this is over I have a feeling she'll be getting canned food treats from time to time.

After the pain meds kicked in she seems a little better. She's been out from under the bed several times and has eaten well. She's interacted with me a little so I think we're heading in the right direction.

Poor little girl though.

I slept for a couple hours and I woke up from this same nightmare I had last night, with bad anxiety. I tried eating something and drinking something since I skipped dinner. But I just ended up puking for 10 minutes. Now I can't sleep

And how do I keep gaining weight by eating less, eating better, and drinking less soda and coffee? I've put on about 5 pounds these last 2 days.