Bipolar Check-in #86

I’m feeling okay today. I’ll take that as a win. Got a few things on my mind regarding work but I’m working on it. Taking my son to swimming lessons this morning. He continues to do well on Ritalin despite only being 6 years old. It’s regulating his emotions that much better.

Wow, the detail , shading and proportions are amazing. You're so talented!!

Its still in the am for me so the day is going fantastic. Went to the Dr yesterday, still endeavouring to get into a Pdoc for a tweak. The bush was gorgeous as usual early morning. Dew on the ground and birds singing with no one else around except a few kangaroos, wallabies and Kookaburras. Listened to a podcast in one ear whilst we were walking. Heard something really interesting. I learnt about he reticular activating system a few years ago whilst studying, how the mind only sees evidence of what it is thinking. The buy a red car see a hundred red cars the same type thing. These last few months have been particularly painful after detonating a beautiful friendship and my mind has been going down the 'I'll never find a best friend again, never find love again'. I've heard well meaning individuals say that we will, just have to put myself out there. What was interesting about this podcast was that the 'suffering' I was feeling, the opposite is the key. So brain telling me I won't, the exact opposite is true - and - not necessarily in the place I will look. So that love will come from a stranger who I smile at, a person in the coffee shop that I say hi to, the dog that walks past and wags it's tail, the flower I see on one of my walks. And it makes perfect sense, there's love all around me, I'm just not noticiing it because I'm blinding myself by looking for it in a very specific area. What's the key to this is the more I see love, the more possibilities it opens, because that same reticular activating system will also see evidence of love from people, because that's now what I am looking for everywhere. Look small and it will lead to big. It landed for me today. Love all the check-in positivity here, you're an awesome group.

Dr gave me some more seroquel yesterday, despite me having reactions to it prior. I've been on it several times over the years in varying doses up to 400mg. Has anyone else had experience with it causing a large amount of rage and racing heart prior to its sedating effects?

My mood is really elevated right now. I think it's a combo of having a good day and the caffeine. Feeling a bit hyper but hoping it calms down eventually. Maybe nows a good time to meditate

blitter, I've been on Seroquel off and on but mostly on for the last 20 yr (longest period off was pregnancy and postpartum while nursing). I've been on 25 mg up to 400 mg as far as doses. Right now, I take 300 mg at night and 50 mg around noon. I have never had any issues with it causing rage or a racing heart, just the fatigue (and thank God, because it's about the ONLY thing that puts me to sleep).

Blitter I can’t remember the dose of seroquel back in the day. Just that the side effects for me was horrible, horrible restlessness and restless legs. I’m now on 25 mg for sleep. No side effects I’ve noticed except the wanted one, sleepiness.

I do like my haircut. She did a good job. I really should get my hair cut more often but I always let it go until my hair is halfway down my face. Plus it’s expensive where I go. But I like my stylist, she has no problem with me needing to take off my hearing aids and not being able to talk. Makes most people uncomfortable especially stylists cause talking is what they do.

I also experienced severe restlessness and akathisia with seroquel, I believe I was on 600mg at the time. the akathisia felt like torture. I didn't feel angry just horrible feeling restless to the point I was having thoughts of Sui. Never experienced anything like that on any other of the myriad of meds and APs I've been on and hope to never again cause it scared me.

I could be wrong in my memory but I do recall it causing racing heart before it kicks in

Glad the med is helping him that's great

I don't know if I ever had reactions to meds because people always just assumed it was just me doing stuff. I know I was on Seroquel for a bit and I struggled a lot on it. But people just said it was my behavior issues. Not the meds.

My pdoc did say on Tuesday we finally found the right med combo. Also my stomach meds have helped out too.

My anxiety has been weirdly high these last 2 dsys though.

My POTs symptoms have me completely exhausted. But, I need to finish my laundry before I can go to bed. I get IV fluids tomorrow so, hopefully, that will help.

I'm finding that, once I go a few days without seroquel, I become angry and bitter. I really do feel like a whole new person when it's in my system. My mental stamina is SO much better too.

Catholic schools week is officially over. I think the kids had a good time. It always ends with a competition between teachers and upper grades and, this year, the teachers won. I didn't participate-it involved more physical activity than my POTs symptoms would allow for, especially since I'm already not feeling the best. Next week, our school is being evaluated to see if we are meeting expectations so that should be interesting. Admin is taking steps to put on a big show instead of letting things be normal. So, our evaluation will be based on a show instead of how our school actually runs.

Hard day.

Similar here. I just assume any "personal review" of meds I've taken 2+ years ago are inaccurate because I wasn't honest with myself, half the time also using substances, half the time taking them inconsistently, and didn't know I also had ADHD combined type and BPD and probably thought I was hypomanic or mixed a lot more often than I truly was (docs too--one told me hypomania was my baseline. Nope. ADHD hyperactivity can look like psychomotor agitation, and of course the distractibility/hyperfocuses, fast all-over-the-place thoughts, excessive talking, impatience, little sense of danger (although I don't know if I actually have a strong sense of danger and the chronic suicidality/immortality (delusion?) just causes apathy with that) easily getting bored, impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, rushing through things, etc.).

I kinda wonder what my treatment would've looked like if I was more accurately diagnosed way earlier. Hell, when I was first diagnosed with bipolar I saw this nurse practitioner twice and my dad said "she gets hyper, angry, and sad." and the NP just dropped "bipolar." Because if you're under 18 you can't have BPD and if you're female that hasn't failed every class in school you can't have ADHD I guess. (I took honors/AP courses where I did well--stuff you can figure things out intuitively like math, English, and science, and lower level courses for things that were more memorization focused that I sometimes cheated in for stuff like history and psychology, so my weighted GPA was way higher than my unweighted with a report card that was like "AP Statistics: A+ // AP English Composition: A // World History B: C-") and it's theorized that girls w/ADHD tend to learn to mask and stress themselves into other mental illnesses earlier w/more intensity than boys (that probably end up hiding the ADHD when they DO seek treatment for it--at least that was my case I'm sure I'm not the only one).

I'm not saying the bipolar diagnosis was inaccurate--I mean I did get hospitalized for a psychotic depression, get put on antidepressants, and stop sleeping and feel like I was on cocaine for a bit. If anyone's seen Taylor Tomlinson's show on Netflix, it's a stand-up show, she has a story of getting diagnosed with bipolar and telling her friends and them not being surprised. I had a similar story haha. I told my friend and she's like "you've finally figured that out? Did you really need a shrink to know that?" like ahh, my boyfriend's been telling me I'm schizophrenic and I'm like "nooo, I really do have three invisible roommates that try to get me to kill myself."

But now that I know not every time I buy too many hats and have a one night stand in a day is a manic episode--sometimes silly girls just gotta be silly (I was recommended this sub on reddit called r/sillygirlsclub and wow, the distaste)-- it's easier to figure out later on "do I need a cold shower, a snack, or a med change?" I mean I don't figure it out, but it's better than seeing a doctor once looking manic because something excited me or mixed because I was triggered and not really being aware and just going with "I'm upping your antipsychotic."

That was long for just a "yeah, I don't trust med reactions or what other people perceive as reactions or non-reactions." No one's watching me 24/7 as far as I know, (not even myself haha gotta love dissociative black outs).

I do think my pdoc and case manager were right about the hypomania now. I just saw how long my last post was

My therapist even said based on what the team's been saying I've been in and out of hypomania/mania since August. I know I was hospitalized in August for mania. She even said they've noticed before I'm hospitalized I call the emergency line a lot and I've been doing that lately which is concerning. I know I'm not full blown manic, my pdoc even said that. I'm actually going to get a call from someone in a bit. They gave out today's meds yesterday because we're getting snow and the roads suck. It's power-outage snow. The heavy wet kind good for nothing but chucking at others and snowmen.

I already shoveled though. Forgot to roll my car windows up for two storms in a row now! Yesterday I was playing violin (I'm learning Pachebel's Canon in D) and I really noticed an improvement in my ability to read and play together.

My cat also talks to God.

I'm tired today. I slept good last night and I worked out this morning. My moods and anxiety are fine since I ditched the zofran and unisom. My stomach is fine. I could just use a long nap.

My therapist is being kinda controlling when it comes to my weight loss. So I guess I just don't tell her about it or some shyt. But when you can't eat a lot of things stuff happens.

I ordered a few groceries today. Just foo foo stuff pretty much.

I skipped the SAD lamp this morning, and I think I'm already feeling it. Can it happen that quickly or is it just my imagination? I did go to the library and the pharmacy this morning, and I think the car was acting a bit weird when accelerating from stop lights, but sometimes I get paranoid about the car breaking down; H said he will drive it some this weekend and see what he thinks. So maybe the stress of potential car problems has tired me out. I think I'm going to go ahead and use the SAD lamp now. See if it helps some with the anxiety and fatigue I'm feeling.

Edit: I skipped coffee too this morning; maybe the fatigue is from caffeine withdrawal. Think I'll brew a cup to have with the SAD lamp.

I’m okay. Just drinking my healthy shake this morning. I have one every morning in lieu of breakfast. It’s a start. Going to the recycling depo to offload some bottles. Then going grocery shopping. I need payday on Thursday to hurry up. It’s been a tight pay cycle and I’m not sure why. I didn’t even order any nail accessories this payrun. I think work this week will be challenging. Hopefully in a good way …. I’m not sure. There’s a few reasons for this which I might update about later.

I read with the SAD lamp, think it helped my mood. I tried drawing today, but it was a no go which was frustrating, but I keep reminding myself those days happen. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. I almost got decent outlines a couple of times, but just not quite. Very frustrating!

I woke up very late, sleep was broken but lots of weird cool dreams. Didn’t want to get up. Managed to get dressed and eat breakfast then went downstairs for a bit. Played 10,000 and now watching mad max.

My mood seem perpetually on the low side, not enough to call it depressed but just keeping me low.

Today so far has SUCKED!!!!!! Stuff for the journal though, too violent and gruesome for internet. But in essence I regret not getting beaten up and arrested yesterday.

Today was a tough day - overslept so I missed an event at my church this morning, which I really wanted to go to. Have to really push myself to get up and go to church tomorrow.

The fatigue from the Invega is so overwhelming. I am fighting it though. It is SO hard to get up and get moving, sleep is another issue, it's been horrible lately that's why I can't get up to do anything, not even my CPAP helps anymore.

I miss the way my life used to be before all this. I miss the sleep I used to get. However, it may seem like I am struggling but I am not. I am actually in good spirits saying Ho'oponopono to myself in the mirror in the morning and to remember to love myself.

Ho'oponopono is a simple Hawaiian meditation prayer that you say in the mirror that's so effective and powerful - Just simply look at yourself and say: “I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you.” I love it so much!

I hope everyone is having a beautiful Saturday.

Today has been fine. Just a lot of laundry and working out and cleaning. My moods and anxiety are still fine. I took melatonin which just woke me up. I ate Sun Chips. My therapist still doesnt know about the metformin. Or much of anything tbh.

I had a good day. Didn’t sleep great last night but that’s okay. I atleast got 5 hours. I drew a bit today. Other than that not a whole lot going on. Spent a large part of the day watching anime, reading my books, playing games. I did do laundry and clean some though. Hoping to get better sleep tonight. I probably should have gotten on the treadmill at some point. I feel like I was way too inactive today. Tomorrow I’m going grocery shopping and am gonna finish cleaning. Also have a crockpot meal planned for tomorrow. Just chilling in bed now with my two cats laying next to me

Today went by really fast. The IV didn't help my POTs symptoms sadly. My blood pressure was lower than normal (bottom number was 58) so I wonder if it's been like that for awhile and that's why I've been more light headed this past week. I also just can seem to drink enough water and electrolytes (one of many POTs symptoms). I'm going to start wearing compression socks again to see if that helps.

My mood was pretty good today-good mental stamina too. I was able to get some stuff done. Tomorrow, I need to make sure I'm ready for the school week, clean my bathroom, and cook what I'll eat for the first few days of the week. I see my pdoc on Monday-I feel like I was just there even though it has been it's usual month in between appointments. Maybe, it feels that way because I had to message him between my last two appointments.

Thought I had bought everything from the grocery store but forgot one thing that I need for my son now I need to go back. Yes. Annoying but he needs it.

Thank you for reminding me of this simple afformation. I read about it before. bizi