Bipolar Check-in #86

Wow, took my dose of lamotrigine this morning after missing it all this week and possibly last week (forgetting to refill it) and I was doing pretty well all that time but boy, do I feel even smoother and calmer than ever! Probably why I may have been a bit snarky on the forums sometimes of late. Note to self: always be sure my lamotrigine is refilled. I take it twice a day too so not having it for a time period like that is not good!

@Blueberrybook I believe if you stopped taking Lamotrigine for a certain amount of time (5 days, I think), it's recommended to taper back up to the dose you had instead of going straight back on it because of that SJS risk. If you can, I'd give your pdoc a call.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots @Blueberrybook I believe if you stopped taking Lamotrigine for a certain amount of time (5 days, I think), it's recommended to taper back up to the dose you had instead of going straight back on it because of that SJS risk. If you can, I'd give your pdoc a call.

I didn't realize that. Maybe I'll take half the dose a few days before going back up. The pdoc is out of the office on Fridays (well, not exactly true, that's when he hobnobs with the drug reps over lunch). He's got an emergency cell to call, but I'm not sure this qualifies as an emergency? I'll be on the lookout for any symptoms like rash, etc. after this dose I took this morning and will def. call his emergency cell if anything weird shows up. Though fingers crossed, with anticonvulsants, I generally don't have any issues (on oxycarbazepine as well).
When I totally stopped taking oxycarbazepine because I felt I didn't need it, the pdoc did just put me right back on the full dose (his opinion was I needed it).

Saturday morning here! Taking my son for swimming lessons. Then going to the mall to see if I can get him another pair of shoes. Hopefully Kmart will have imitation crocs because he loves his pair of crocs that we bought. Still getting through my coffee. Woke up with that slight headache from Wegovy again but it disappeared 20 minutes after taking paracetamol. I’m pleased with my weight loss yesterday.

Should she warn us before she starts drawing toast? Per google, smelling burnt toast means your having a stroke. Idk what smelling orange means!

Ha ha I can’t even smell toast when I make it, probably because it’s more warm bread than proper toast. I don’t like it burnt.

When I left to go give blood I could smell the orange in the hallway so I think someone sprayed fresher or dropped something. The orange smell was gone when I came home tho. To bad because it’s a good smell.

Had a good time at the nutrition class

Only got 90 minutes of sleep last night, from midnight to 1:30am and feeling pretty ragged. Got a stunning amount of housework done tho. My place is more organized now. It's just astonishing the huge amount of work it is to keep one person's life running smoothly. I don't know how moms do it. Admiration.

I got some melatonin gummies that a nice woman in my morning ZOOM event uses. I was too tired to read the directions, so i just took one and lay down. Didn't sleep. Took another. Still didn't sleep. Feeling dazed and depressed from sleep deprivation.

I had a a rotten argument yesterday, and i felt really bad about it today. I talked it over with my ZOOM group. I wrote a letter of apology and took it to the woman in question. She didn't read it, as she probably has trouble reading English. Instead she engaged me in conversation and i told her verbally how sorry i was about yesterday. She was very good, and said everyone has bad days, and that she accepted my apology.

So that went well, except i cried a few tears while i was talking to her and i feel yet more exhausted now. I keep trying to help people who are struggling. Yet they haven't asked for my help, and it may be unwelcome. I've certainly met with my share of rejection this year.

I think i better start focusing on running my own life. I've plowed thru a mountain of laundry, and a heap of dishes today. My new bed came -- a roll-away cot. It was several days late in arriving. It said, "Made in Italy," and my heart sank, as the Italians are not known for manufacturing, except for cars.

Sure enough, the bag of parts is missing, so i can't set up the cot. At least i can sleep on the foam mattress, which is a vast improvement over the air mattress i have been struggling along with. It's hazardous getting up off the floor first thing in the "morning" (or the dead of night like today).

I'm dopey, and not mindful and this morning i fell back down. I usually try and use a chair, but i grabbed on to my dresser this morning, and am lucky i didn't pull it down on top of me.

Life at 235 pounds is stressful. I've been eating lots of fruit these past few days. I really enjoy it. If i eat raw veggies i just end up having a dip with them, and that defeats the purpose. Might as well just eat what i like, which is fruit.

Well, i feel all crashed-out and depressed. My episode of high mood has come to a screeching halt. I've canceled out of three projects. It might just be the extreme sleep deprivation talking, but i really feel my hypomania is over.

im watching tv and avoiding homework.

I posted in my thread, but it was mostly whining, so I will just say- I am planning to go to a movie tomorrow with my Mom and sister and her kids (well sis and kids will see a different movie, but we'll all drive together). It was a bit of a pain making it all happen, and I'm not even 100% sure now if i will like it, but it has my favorite actor and I've been wanting to see it since like last summer. So, fingers crossed and/or prayers said, it will be a good time.

Oh yeah, then afterwards we'll go to sister's place and have dinner and cake for a late birthday celebration. That has been another stressful thing, but hopefully it will be worth it.

I don't usually talk about my experiences in a public forum, but these things are definitely important @raspberrytorte I got an IUD last year, about 1 year exactly now, and while it has not been the perfect solution, it did take out most of my pain. At least i can somewhat function now. So, i mean, that is also a consideration.

Omg i was singing that song the other day because i saw a meme for too much thyme on my hands, and my husband likes that song so it came to mind. Hahah

I can't believe how much better my brain has been functioning since adding 12.5 mg of seroquel to my daily routine. It was much easier to grade tests this week and to do the mental math required to get the final point totals of the kid's tests. Normally, Lately, I've struggle with the simple addition/subtraction involved so would use a calculator because I was worried about making a silly mistake. Low level depression is still there, but it is better than it was and I continue to manage what is left better than before the seroquel. When I see my pdoc in a little over a week, I really hope he is okay with my doing this. And, here's to hoping I continue to not have any side effects from the daily seroquel.

This is so me! Lol I have messed up my sleep to finish a book at times. Oops.

And it seems that anytime i have an appointment, i can't sleep well the night b4. Earlier this month i had to do a fasting blood workup, and that was rough. But i guess the sleep or lack of doesn't affect things much!

I’m so tired. Tried to have a nap. Didn’t fall asleep. Oh well. Might be going out later. My partner wants to get mulch for the garden. Probably take a trip with him. I’m busy drinking orange and cinnamon tea. No sugar. Delicious.

Wide awake tonight. It's 3:45 and I'm not even close to asleep. Not sure what is going on but I hate it. My sleep has been getting worse with nightmares and being awake for a few hours every night lately but this is worse because I've had no sleep.

Hopefully I'll sleep eventually. At least I don't have to be anywhere tomorrow so I can sleep late if I want to. Which I will.

I slept for eight glorious hours last night. Yay for melatonin! I was so sleep-deprived, i really needed someone to take me by the hand, and lead me to the melatonin product. My doctor and i had talked about it. He said it was safe with my other meds, and had a reasonable chance of success. But i was so tired i couldn't figure out where to get it, or what form it came in.

But this blessed woman in my ZOOM support group got her jar of melatonin gummies and held it up to the screen, so i could see the brand, and told me to get it at a discount department store. I was too tired to go in-person. I barely had the strength to place the online order.

But i managed to, and am i ever glad i did. I took two and went to sleep at 7:30pm like a little kid. I woke up at midnight, but i just took another melatonin gummy, like my ZOOM support group pal said she does. I knit for ten minutes and then was able to go back to sleep til 3:30am!

I'm so pleased, even tho those still are not ideal hours. At least i logged the hours, and without taking another ffuucckkiinngg pill!

My rolling foldaway bed's mattress was better than the air mattress, but it is still going back, as parts are missing, such that i cannot set up the frame, and the mattress is too stiff.

I've ordered a better-quality one, with a memory foam mattress, from a more reputable company than the Asian clearinghouse i used for the first, mediocre one. The better one may arrive as soon as Friday. Happily enough, the new, better-quality one, is slightly MORE affordable than the mediocre one from Asia.

I know my sleep will improve even more once i get a decent bed. I still don't regret getting rid of my enormous conventional bed, as it was a hazard to get out of (i kept sliding off and getting trapped on the floor in the morning, once when i had urgent diarrhea [sorry for the TMI]), and dwarfed the room. It's so nice to have an office/dining space!

Sorry i am still not feeling well enough to respond to other posts. @Blueberrybook is doing a wonderful job in this respect, so i hope everyone does not very much mind if i just write about myself, until my sleep smooths out.

I'm kinda anxious this morning. But I didn't have a Geodon 80 in my med box and today is Saturday which means its the day I get my shot. So its most likely just a med issue. Since not much else is bothering me today. My GI issues are fine this morning, and I feel overall good besides needing my Geodon.

I've been taking 200mg of seroquel and only 20mg of diazepam the past eight days, and I don't know if it's the lack of diazepam catching up with me or just my dumb period or what, but I do NOT feel good. I have a headache and a sore throat now, and I'm SO tired, despite getting six hours of sleep last night.

I've been through benzo withdrawal before, and when they yanked me off half my alprazolam dose abruptly it kind of felt like this for a couple of weeks. I don't know. I just don't know!!! Ugh. I hate not knowing!! I just hope I'm better my Monday because I'm getting my labret pierced and was really looking forward to the pain (I've gotten this piercing before). HAHAHAHA. Just kidding. Lol. But it really is a painful piercing to get.

@JaneOnceMore

I'm happy you were able to get some sleep! That's great! I love melatonin. If I wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep I usually take 10mg and it knocks me out and I get most restful sleep. 😊

Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope nope FUUUUCKCCKING NOPE!!!

Done with this shyt.
Abso-friggin-lutely DONE.

I swear, if I don't get a move in date Monday, I'm gonna make an exit stage left. IF I CAN LAST THAT FKING LONG!!!!

My friend and i are texting, cooking up a conspiracy theory. I forgot how much fun this is. We used to do this all the time in Vancouver. A couple guys had a radio show on Vancouver Public Radio and they would get high and one would get really loose and start spouting the theories. It was great fun.

The more savvy one would just laugh and say, "How do YOU know THAT?" It was all about the NATO war in the Balkans in 1999. I must say, this provacateur really did his homework. I saw him at The Vancouver Library researching his theories. He was a really cool guy.

There was a rumor that he'd been stabbed by a rival activist group, but i saw him the next day from the library steps i was sitting on, just strolling down the street, seemingly without pain from the "stabbing incident." We just nodded at each other. I guess he knew i'd found him out, and that the "stabbing" was a hoax.

What a character he was. He blackballed me from joining his political collective, so i wouldn't say we were on good terms. He was ableist. I didn't appreciate it as i was new in town and wanted to make friends. His second-in-command and i got on famously and even the guy's little toddler daughter kissed me, just because i paid attention to her, played with her.

The adults in her life were really dismissive of her. Too bad, she was a delightful little girl, they really missed out. The Second and i flirted, but i was too sick to follow thru. Opportunity lost, he was a really sensual young black activist.

I told him i'd been distracted in an interview for a volunteer position because all i could think of was where i wanted to lick him! Hahaha! Christ, i'd say anything in those days. He responded to my vibe tho and asked for my number.

His daughter had a tantrum right then so he had to attend to her and did not take my phone number down. Rats. This was one sexy, astute, intriguing young black man. He said he found my written application for the political collective "funny," which it was, as i said i sued people for fun and profit, and i had run for a federal left wing political party, "until i came to my senses." He really "got me," we were really on the same wavelength.

This political collective was REALLY far left, like so far, they were out on the lunatic fringe. Maybe for the best that they rejected me. I stayed away after the stabbing hoax, and got involved in activities in my neighborhood, which was for the best, being a political activist was a stressor i certainly didn't need.

I had a great time at the weekend Farmer's Market, doing arts-and-crafts with the kids, i did cartwheels down at the sloping banks of False Creek (the waterway, not the neighborhood), i had fun at The Strawberry Festival, i had a good time at the open house for the AIDS hospice, where i was given a coupon for hugs, i had a swell time shopping the free-or-cheap attic store in the community center, i had a good time eating at the diner at the community center diner, i had a ball attending The Pride Parade...

My life in Vancouver had so much more MEANING. It was so dangerous tho. Main and Hastings, drug hub central, just a few blocks away, no privacy, home ownership out-of-reach by leaps and bounds...

Overall, it was wiser to move back East, but i sure miss the electric vibe of Vancouver, and in time i would have adjusted to the hectic nature of the city. I was so sick then, it just wasn't an obstacle i could face at that time. I have roots here in this city, it's where i did my university degree, where i had my career, where i had my marriage, where i crashed-and-burned.

And who knows, there is a guy in this city who i am keen on reconnecting with as he is the most extraordinary person i have ever known, and while i stay here, there is the possibility that i could lure him to me for coffee or something else benign.

He's currently off Facebook, so i have no way to contact him, but i used to see him around the neighborhood mall, and it comforts me to know he is not too far away. He has roots here too, so i doubt he is going anywhere. Someday we might reconnect...

I sure miss him. He's married with a grown son, so it's nothing romantic. Just feels good to know there's someone in the city who "gets me," and moves faster than i do, and can teach me things, just by associating with him.

He has this appealing contempt for all of humanity, that i share. He has a twin brother, who is also cool, tho less stable than he is. I miss the both of them, how they used to howl with laughter when i'd see the both of them together and be dumbstruck as they are unusually handsome identical male twins, and such compelling, judgmental people, like me.

Even our speech pattern is the same. I feel such a connection to them, i hate to think our story is over, as we haven't associated since 1996, when the stronger one of them and i worked together. Christ, he was brilliant. I used to pour over his code on the commute home from work. The next day i'd day, "Hey, i finally understood your code fragment!" He'd say, "It doesn't work!"

I'd be flummoxed. What works in computer code in theory doesn't always work in practice. His theories were great, but when it came to performance, and interface design, my apps were as good as his.

They just didn't look as good under-the-hood, but what user cares about the quality of computer code? So i hard-coded, so i nested stuff seven levels deep because i couldn't write in functions!

I was an Arts Grad after all. For an Arts Grad i coded just fine. It's not like i had ANY education in computer science. Users just care about their own experience of the app. I'd put my apps up against educated computer scientists anytime!!!

@raspberrytorte:

Thanks for chiming in on my good sleep and the advantages of melatonin. It really was miraculous! Tho my intense sleep deprivation might have contributed to me crashing for eight hours. Been up since 3:30am and got a lot done, chatting with friends and building relationships. Having a great time, taking the day off, then it's back to cooking tomorrow, as i have a fridge full of fresh veggies that should be used pronto.

Sorry you're suffering benzo withdrawal, i know i have terrible anger management experiences in benzo withdrawal. I have only five milligrams of valium left to go as i withdrew in 2022 until it got too impossible.

Currently waiting for my sleep to stabilize before i tackle the last 25%. I don't like to be addicted, and i won't travel out-of-province until i'm benzo-free as other governments have different ideas about benzo scripts.

It's such a small amount, five milligrams of valium, i should be able to do it, but i had such anger management problems last time i went below five milligrams, i may just have to settle for harm-reduction, which i do NOT want, but it may be insurmountable, given that i've been on benzos since a negligent shrink started prescribing me them long-term in 1998.

Well, i'll make one last attempt, and then if it fails, i'm stuck with five milligrams forever, which i do NOT want, because even withdrawal from this tiny amount causes extreme anger management problems, and i won't be able to travel out-of-province, where the benzo policies are not so loose.

And i'm dying to go to Cuba...

I'll have to come back and catch up on the posts; I seem to be running late with everything today!

I slept very well, woke to my cat Pecan sleeping next to me, purring, great way to wake up I took a long power walk, but it was so cold and drizzly I jogged the last bit home. Read with the SAD lamp for an hour, well more like an hour 20 min., I wanted to finish my book as I was close to the end. I drew fruit today, 3 pics all in the creative corner forum. I was pleased I could draw something resembling a pineapple.

I'm feeling quite happy today, this stability has been awesome because I was in the depths of despair at the end of November, thought it would be the hospital and/or it was iffy I could not trust myself to OD. Very bad SI thoughts, and now I'm happy! I frankly haven't felt this well mentally in YEARS! I'm loving reading, I'm loving drawing. I'm feeling pride in my artwork and loving trying to draw things I think impossible at first glance and realize I may be underestimating my talent. Not that I'm an awesome artist I think should exhibit in museums or win prizes, just that I think I am doing awesome for my own self. Not to mention how catharatic I find drawing to be. I am baking more and actually enjoying it. I am trying out new recipes for dinner which mostly turn out (you never know with internet recipes!).

Things have gotten a lot better between H and myself. We are both more affectionate towards each other and not just in bed but holding hands, hugging, kissing, talking and I am doing better at making eye contact; eye contact is always hard for me even with the people I am closest to. My daughter is opening up to me more and telling me that she is so glad I am doing so much better quite often these days.

I am so afraid of this bubble bursting, but on the other hand, I am glad to know it is still possible for me. I wish everyone here could experience these type of feelings instead of being flat or manic or depressed.

I'll try to catch up on posts this afternoon; I am starting a new book to read and want to bake blueberry muffins as well so it may take me a bit to get around to reading all the posts.

Oh, meow, stretch and purr, I feel so renewed. I haven’t been getting sleep, but last night I made up for weeks of sleep deprivation. I slept from around 2am to almost 1pm! Odd weird dreams that were over all sort of funny help the sleep be restful.

I’ll come back later to respond to posts.

Early Sunday morning. I’m going grocery shopping then coming home, unpacking and driving an hour to get to a market / festival. I was hoping both my eldest kids would join us but my daughter has already said she’s likely not going because it will take her 2.5 hours to get there and she’s broke so she’s got no money to spend. Not sure about my eldest son he hasn’t said yes or no either way so I guess I’ll see when we get there.