Bipolar Check-in #86

Bluberry-im hoping to get the cbt skills down first like 9-12 months. Cbt is like for instance driving makes me anxious. So it's about changing thinking from I'm afraid I'm going to get in a accident bc I go below the speed limit. So changing it to like what are the true statistics that will happen etc.

I do know grounding skills but unfortunately cold of any kind doesn't work. Putting lavender oil in my 5 senses box helps. I have a feather for touch, peppermint candies for taste fireplace crackling on YouTube for sound. I usually also have a cup of herbal tea. I also look at an object and describe everything on it out loud. You're lucky, you have your husband. 😊

I slept from 7PM until 4:15AM and I can't stay awake. I tried caffeine and I did 100 push ups. But I keep drifting off again.

Well, i only slept five hours last night. I think it'll be another day of rest. I have veg in the fridge to get cooking, if i get some energy later. That foam slab mattress is WORSE for my back than the air mattress. Don't think i can stand over a stove and sink today. We'll see.

I got restless last night, and i feel uneasy here at home now that i've concluded there is something fishy going on in our convenience store, which i have allied myself with pretty closely, and been high-profile with building management and my neighbors trying to promote. I'm uncomfortable here now at night.

So last night i went out to a pub, by myself. I don't drink alcohol in public, for security reasons. So i just had a Shirley Temple. Then i was hungry so i had a "Boxty" which is the Irish word for a very hearty and substantial egg dish. I had the veg option, with salad.

The entree was just exceptional! I was delighted! I'll definitely go back. Boy, did it hit the spot! It was piping hot! This pub is just a ten-dollar taxi ride from my home. (Bus service there is not good). I feel like going back there again today, just so i can have another veg "Boxty." They didn't charge me for the decaf i had for dessert, and the mocktail was only three dollars, so the whole experience was quite affordable.

I'm glad i have a neighborhood place to go now when i get restless on Saturday nights. The decor of the place was fascinating, they had this antique cash register behind the bar, and on the wooden post beside me they had this rusted ornate lion's-head-door-knocker with the ring thru his teeth -- and it even worked!

I could move the ring and knock for service! I didn't do that tho, that would have been rude. Service was good anyways. I didn't need to summon them, they were dashing to-and-fro behind the bar in front of me, and kept a good eye on me.

So happy to have a new favorite place that's casual and exceptional quality, and NOT in downtown. I think going to fancy places stinks. Since my recent incident of being a victim of a hate crime downtown at a fancy hotel on January 12, i have COMPLETELY reversed my feelings on elegance.

Give me "fascinating, casual, rustic" any day. The people are relaxed, there's bonhomie, prices are affordable, and there's not some fool of a security guard getting in-your-face, and trying to throw you out, and insulting you that you're an "undesirable" just because you have sunglasses on indoors, and your black hoodie up, because the morning light is hurting your eyes.

Fanciness and elegance and security hysteria can go to Hell!!! I'll speak with my wallet.

Good morning, I slept good. 9 1/2 hours. Got up today and ate breakfast then took my morning meds. Did a 10 min silent meditation. Then took a shower and put on fresh clothes and brushed my teeth. Now I’m enjoying some coffee and music.

Today I need to fill out some paperwork and mail it out. Other than that plans are to finish up cleaning my apartment, do some laundry, practice violin and probably paint some tonight. And a lot of reading. Anyway yeah I feel pretty good. Doing well on my meds.

This coming week is gonna be hectic.

I have:
An apartment pre-inspection
An apartment code enforcement inspection
An appointment with social security
Art group
Another appointment
Grocery shopping

And throughout all this I’ll have to make time for violin and art and exercise. So yeah a little hectic but I’ll just take it a day at a time.

I'm kinda depressed today but I'm hanging on. I got my 500 reps with my ab roller and 50 crunches done. Now I'm watching TV. But I might take a nap.

Okay. So my sore throat is worse and now I have a runny nose and my husband is sick too. I think we finally caught the cold our daughter had. Germy kids! Ugh. I swear this has been the worse winter as far as illness goes. Oh well. I'll just lay low today so I hopefully feel better by tomorrow. Daughter is going to be grouchy when she gets home anyway because I doubt she got any sleep last night at the sleepover, so I'll be staying away from her. Lol.

30mg of diazepam is like 3mg of lorazepam? Fudge man. That sucks. That makes it sound so much worse! I'll be fine. I've been through this
before. I plan on staying at the 20mg for a while.

@JaneOnceMore

I'm happy you found a nice place to go on Saturday nights!

I didn’t sleep properly last night. I was dreaming of my late grandmothers drop scones in a pan. I can still picture her handwritten recipe in her recipe book.
Got out of bed at 3:40am because I had such a headache and I needed to switch off the fans so n I’m up. Teaching 2 classes today and I’m going to spend a large portion of today marking those assignments on biomes. Stood on the scale and I’m pleased with how I’m going.

Koi water color painting I did today

I love your koi @Blue_Bird!

I will try to catch up on posts this afternoon! Suddenly my days are passing by quite rapidly!

I am doing well, still stable. Did pilates that bordered on moderate...I was struggling at the end! I had grocery curbside pickup this morning, then brought everything in & put it away. I read with the SAD lamp, had breakfast, then drew 3 pics. Not sure how well things turned out today, but they are all in the Creative Corner forum.

Here is a mouse I drew

So much talent on this forum

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iloveanimals25 Bluberry-im hoping to get the cbt skills down first like 9-12 months. Cbt is like for instance driving makes me anxious. So it's about changing thinking from I'm afraid I'm going to get in a accident bc I go below the speed limit. So changing it to like what are the true statistics that will happen etc. I do know grounding skills but unfortunately cold of any kind doesn't work. Putting lavender oil in my 5 senses box helps. I have a feather for touch, peppermint candies for taste fireplace crackling on YouTube for sound. I usually also have a cup of herbal tea. I also look at an object and describe everything on it out loud. You're lucky, you have your husband. 😊

Driving makes me VERY anxious too. I mostly just drive very locally. For example, without traffic Houston can be as little as 20 min. drive away, but the freeways are CRAZY! I hate driving on them and haven't for 8 years or so. The only part of Houston I drive in is the NASA area which is really quite separate from most all of the rest of Houston, and you can get around on surface streets. Plus, my youngest sister lives in that area though she lives behind a giant busy shopping mall, I hate driving once I'm close to her house. A lot of my panic attacks/anxiety occurs while driving which is why I do as little of it as possible. I feel bad about it a lot, for example, I can't take my daughter to class meetups in downtown Houston, the Houston museum district, drive her out to Galveston. But H is very good about understanding FINALLy after years of him not getting it. And his work is pretty flexible; he is a professor, but it takes him 1.5 hr to drive each way to his university so he only goes in when he teaches Tuesday and Thursdays and sometimes for his grad students on Fridays, works from home the other days and takes off work to take my daughter to school events. My daughter is definitely his little princess for all that she's 17 already!

Here it is 1pm and I just got up an hour and a half ago. But it’s Sunday, my day in. I shower and change pjs, do my meds and read. I. Really look forward to my Sundays. My re-charge days. But next Sunday I’m going with my daughter to Rochester to visit my aunt and uncle. They are the last of mum’s family. They are my godparents too. Always took an interest in me despite having 5 kids themselves. Us cousins were close growing up. Now we talk occasionally. But I keep in touch with my aunt and uncle.

Last night was another long sleep night. Oh so nice. This time I don’t remember my dreams. Just an impression of flowers. But I need to work on going to bed earlier. I’m getting up too late and half the day I’d over. I’ve changed it that I go to bed at 1am read for a bit then don’t fall asleep until 3am. That’s just too late. I thought going to bed later would mean falling asleep faster. But it’s not true. I envy those that can just close their eyes and fall asleep!

@JaneOnceMore It's great that you have found an affordable, great place to hang out. Sorry you didn't sleep so well though. Sorry for your experience with APs. I have been very lucky in that Seroquel has treated me well. There was a brief period I was put on Zyprexa, and I gained 15 lb. like that plus I didn't sleep well. I told my pdoc I wasn't going to take it even if he prescribed it, please, please put me back on the Seroquel and thankfully he did. But I know many people do not have such positive experiences with Seroquel.

@raspberrytorte - I'm sorry you are getting sick again. That is the one thing with having my daughter at home doing online school, no germs except what H brings home from his work. Still, I don't get sick very often...it's been years and years (5, 6?) since I was last sick (knock on wood!).

@Crazy Hitch - I'm sorry you didn't sleep well. Do you think the Wegovy could be messing with your sleep? Or do you often have sleep issues? I know with me, it takes Seroquel, trazodone, hydroxyzine & melantonin to knock me out, and even some nights that is not enough. But I have been a very poor sleeper way before bipolar, since I was a little girl and according to my mom as a baby and toddler too.

@LadyShadow How are you doing?

@Blue_Bird Dissociation sucks. I fortunately have not had it much these past few days, but when I do get it, it will often be extra inconvenient, such as I'm driving and really do need to feel more present in the moment and in myself.

Sorry for those of you I missed...I know I did, it gets hard having to type a reply on a different page than the posts. I am also reading a book and really want to get back to it

@Nammu I sleep well but often it takes me a good while to fall asleep...some nights not though, last night, I really, really wanted to read more of my book, but I'd taken my meds and the words started swimming around the page, yep, time to go to sleep! It's so nice you have a day where you can lounge around. Often I wish I had that. I love my husband and daughter, but sometimes, I just wish I could have a day where I didn't have to cook, wash & fold clothes, take care of the cats, the trash, do dishes, etc. H is good about taking care of meals on my birthday and our anniversary at least. Unfortunately, the only days I have in recent years where I didn't have to do anything were days when I was in the psych hospital...

Yes, having a day off is a get benefits of living alone. Of course there’s trade offs. Like if something needs to be done there’s only you. And if you get sick, there’s no one to run to the store for things. But knock on wood I haven’t been sick except for covid in 2021, since 2016 when I was working at the preschool. I think it was 2016 I’m pretty bad with dates.

Gosh it’s 2pm! I’ve been on here for two hours. Need to go get something to eat.

Hey there everybody! @Blueberrybook - I am doing pretty well, better than I have been in the past two months. A lot of it has to do with me getting up early and getting out for the day. My parents went to Florida, so I didn't get over there today, but I went to a meeting after church and did some grocery shopping and now some laundry, and I am feeling a whole lot better.

This past month has been really, really tough guys. I have been drowning in depression and having a hard time getting out of it. All my meds are meant to suppress mania, but all that is doing is pushing me deeper into depression. Bipolar is SO hard, it's a curse, it's like you're in trouble when you feel good, because it's dangerous to feel TOO good, so they give you all these meds to push all your feelings down till you sink in depression? How is that helpful?

Well, I am finally coming out of it now and feeling better, still really sad about my ex-boyfriend, but we have some communication going that's keeping me going even though it's not exactly what I want. Better than nothing.

Got a little dressed up today, and feeling good, so I'll drop a selfie. Hope everyone has had a good weekend!

Oh shadow, here’s a big ole

I’m glad you’re doing better but sorry it’s all so hard.

On the verge of a panic attack. Trying to ride it out

So enjoying this forum and all my online friends! @Blueberrybook: you are a wonder and a delight! So adroitly supportive, better than any therapist i've ever encountered.

@LadyShadow: the goal is to MODULATE high mood, not SQUASH it entirely. A lot of good things happen because of high mood. Certainly, euphoria is an experience to be treasured, not banished. Your doctors need to understand this. Educate them, if necessary. I find i'm in the position of educating my own doctor more often than i'd like. Like he didn't know that the hypothesis of blue-light deprivation has been debunked, and recommended it to me.

That's just laziness on his part. He should be informed, if he's gonna take on an advisory role. Jerk. I corrected him right away. Sometimes, he just gives up and says, "Educate me." Not what you want to hear from your health care professional.

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I finally got some decent time with one of my two friends today, the young man who is doing his Ph.D. He helped me with a online shopping return, then i treated us to lunch. He was so funny, he said that this really floridly gay man in the building has a sex swing on his balcony! Hahaha!!! My friend also confided in me his homosexuality for the first time, and i am so honored he felt comfortable enough with me to do that.

I feel he may actually be bisexual, or was at one point, because he used to pursue women too. Anyways i am so pleased that he thought i was worthwhile enough and safe enough to reveal his true self, and feel we have taken a giant step forward in our relationship. I feel he is maybe even a candidate for a travel buddy to Cuba! This is wonderful! I'd love to take a beach vacation with him!

Exhausted tho. We really rococheted (sp?) around the city in his car, and he's very quick, tho doesn't have the keen memory i have, even tho i am 58. I had an eidetic memory when i was younger, but even tho it is fading, i still have a better memory than people decades younger than me.

I had such a good time with him, laughed and laughed about the sex swing on the balcony of the floridly homosexual man in the building, laughed about it for the rest of our adventure. Really funny, i find humor so therapeutic.

@Blue_Bird - Did anything in particular trigger your anxiety/panic attack? It doesn't always help me, but if you have chamomile tea that can be calming, maybe put on the Celtic music you posted the other day? Lavendar essential oil can help too or a nice soak in a hot bath (I usually bring in a magazine I don't care if it gets wet as old magazines are free at my Friends of Library book sale).

@JaneOnceMore Thanks for the compliment! Sometimes I can respond to other posts and sometimes not, just like most of us here though I don't know about being any sort of therapist. Sometimes I get a bit snarky, sometimes I get frustrated, short with others, etc. And when I'm depressed & manic I often skim posts. I never had a true eidetic memory, but when I was in school, it came close, like I could word for word put down the sentence from a textbook from memory for a test question, and in biochemistry, I could picture those cycles--photosynethesis, Krebs cycle, organic chemistry molecules right in my head. I do miss having that good of a memory. I don't know if meds have dulled it or mental illness, most probably a combination of both.

@LadyShadow - It's good to hear from you. I'm so sorry you have had to go through a really rotten manic cycle but am glad to hear your mood today is not bad. Your selfie is gorgeous

I took a 2 hour nap. Then I ate a cup of cotton candy grapes for lunch. I was still a bit down but I was also nauseated. So I took 2 dramamine and ate 2 rice cakes and now I'm totally fine physically and mentally.

My mom and I were talking about how the far west is considered California and other western US states and she never heard the term "far west" before. Lol.

I'm washing my blankets from all the rice cakes I've been eating lately. Little pieces are everywhere.

Is it just me or are the forum pages off and on loading slowly today? I don't seem to have this problem with other websites.

Not just you. The pages are loading very slowly for me tooo. When I post there’s a delay too.

@Blueberrybook probably triggered from stress. I have a pre-inspection tomorrow of my apartment then a code enforcement inspection on Thursday AND an appointment with social security on Thursday as well. So just probably stressed and a little overstimulated because I’ve been so active the past day or so physically with cleaning and whatnot. In general next week is gonna be a long stressful week. I just need to lay down and relax some. I’m currently laying down next to one of my cats with one of those Celtic songs playing. I just get ahead of myself mentally sometimes and get overwhelmed easily. I might paint again later if I feel up to it but right now laying down feels good cause it’s not making my brain go a million miles an hour like pacing around obsessively cleaning does

Idk if anyone here listens to the Vitamin String Quartet but they do a lot of good covers of popular songs. They covered my favorite song by my favorite band Linkin Park, numb

Another good one they covered is Cheap Thrills by Sia