Bipolar Check-in #86

Mountaindewed · Feb 15, 2025, 12:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

My meds still allow me to bawl my eyes out, remarkably enough.

I feel like I'm losing my damn mind. I don't feel right. Nothing feels right. I'm forgetting things. I'm confused. I'm foggy. I'm forgetting conversations I've had with people. I'm making stupid mistakes regarding the ezine. My psychiatrist is out of the office on vacation for the next two weeks. I'm lacking motivation. I'm sleepy. I don't know what's wrong with me! I think I'm on too much seroquel, so I'm cutting my dose in half. I think I'm going to call the nurses line on Monday anyway. Maybe a different psychiatrist in the office can help me.

I had an appointment with my therapist this morning and she thinks maybe the seroquel increase combined with the wellbutrin increase is having a negative effect. Something about dopamine.

Monday night I invited my parents out to dinner. Not looking forward to it. They're going to see me and tell me I'm not a 23 year old girl anymore. They have zero respect for me as an individual. And they certainly don't respect my husband. And I love my mom, but don't particularly like her. She's mean!

I'm hoping that tomorrow when I wake up I'm feeling somewhat normal, though the abnormal feeling just gets worse each day.

Honestly, WHAT THE FUKK IS WRONG WITH ME!!

I'm having the same issue and I found out brain fog and confusion and all that is a symptom of low vitamin D and prediabetes. Do you think you could have something like that?

Mountaindewed · 12:47 AM

It was the green noise that woke me up. It caused the exact same dream as last night. Plus my niece was screaming. Something about pizza. Then she banged my door opened and waved at me and walked away. Everytime they are around makes me more glad I saved my mental health by having surgery because I really don't like kids.

Yeah not sure what to do about this stomach ache. I think I've taken what I could today.

Something has been giving me a combo of diarrhea and constipation and also sleep problems.

Iloveanimals25 · Feb 15, 2025, 02:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

My meds do exactly the same thing to me. There are many, many times I want to cry, but I just can't. Now and again I do manage actual tears, but not as often as I would off meds. I know meds give me something of a flat affect too, and at times it's good (reels me in, in other words) but often I hate it. Pdoc seems to think flat is better than manic or depressed, and I guess he's right. Hell, even when I'm suicidally depressed, I still usually can't cry any more, not much in the way of tears any way.

@iloveanimals - That has to be so hard with your son. I'm sorry I don't have any advice in that regard, but you are definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

@JaneOnceMore - I hope the melantonin helps. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I combined melantonin and valerian to sleep even though it's not recommended to use both at the same time, but it was literally the only way I could get any sleep at all off psych meds. Desperate times. I hope you have fun at the party. I do envy those of you living in apartments/condos, etc.that have events for the residents. There are NEVER any resident events here in the suburbs where I live, not even on Neighbors' Night Out. I don't know my neighbors at all except to maybe wave to when I see them outside. Pretty sad state.

I'm doing well this morning, had another great night's sleep, slept pretty much 8.5 hr. straight. I took a power walk, had great energy. Ate breakfast and read with the SAD lamp. Made H's lunch, did a load of laundry, pretty much the usual. I drew 2 pictures today ( both in the creative corner). I need to start using a compass for the circles instead of just drawing freehand but I don't really like using compasses, rulers, etc when drawing. Not sure why.

I need to make lunch, and then I'm going to the library with my daughter so she can do her volunteer shift. I am SO glad my car is fixed, and I don't have to worry about it nearly stalling out at stoplights any more. Maybe we'll stop for Starbucks on the way home as a Valentine's Day treat.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

I too have a hard time crying. But I cried really hard when I watched it ends with us. And thank you for your compassionate reply regarding my son. 💕

Mountaindewed · 09:24 AM

I'm doing ok this morning. I slept decently last night. I did my full workout before 6. I hear the words "prediabetes" and I think of what my dad went through and it lights a fire under my *** to lose weight and get into shape.

I hope today isnt my yearly at home medicare visit. I get a $100 Walmart gift card so its sort of worth doing it once a year but the nurse asks all these questions and looks at each of my prescription and OTC meds and asks why they are for. Then she checks my blood pressure and weight and then she asks some cognitive questions. Its all just really annoying.

I'm kinda anxious today but I think its just because its Saturday.

The visit isnt for another week or 2. So I can just catch up on my TV show today without worrying.

Victoria'smom · Feb 15, 2025, 10:08 AM

I'm frustrated, angry and don't know how to deal. I'm safe but not okay.

Scooter9 · Feb 15, 2025, 11:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

@Scooter9 When do you start the clinical trial? (I can't begin to spell it sorry).

Oh, nice of you to remember!

It should have been sometime in January. I didn't have their phone number but my pdoc got it a few days ago and I'm going to call to find out what's happening.

Mountaindewed · 03:01 PM

I was getting these emails and I was worried I was getting hacked and I finally asked my mom about them and she said its legit stuff she is doing because of all the things Musk is doing.

Well. I'm not getting hacked. Thats good news.

My throat feels tired right now. I'm not vaccinated for the fllu because it gives me bad mental health side effects. I had 5 appointments this week. I'm not sure what the chances are of me getting anything.

I keep having this dream of getting a lot of medical tests done by weird doctors and that has never happened. I had GI stuff when I was a teenager in 2008-2010 but it was just from anxiety.

This legit stuff didn't start until like 2019.

Its just a weird dream.

I feel down today but its just low energy tired stuff. I don't want anything. Just to lie down.

Blueberrybook · Feb 15, 2025, 02:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

My meds still allow me to bawl my eyes out, remarkably enough.

I feel like I'm losing my damn mind. I don't feel right. Nothing feels right. I'm forgetting things. I'm confused. I'm foggy. I'm forgetting conversations I've had with people. I'm making stupid mistakes regarding the ezine. My psychiatrist is out of the office on vacation for the next two weeks. I'm lacking motivation. I'm sleepy. I don't know what's wrong with me! I think I'm on too much seroquel, so I'm cutting my dose in half. I think I'm going to call the nurses line on Monday anyway. Maybe a different psychiatrist in the office can help me.

I had an appointment with my therapist this morning and she thinks maybe the seroquel increase combined with the wellbutrin increase is having a negative effect. Something about dopamine.

Monday night I invited my parents out to dinner. Not looking forward to it. They're going to see me and tell me I'm not a 23 year old girl anymore. They have zero respect for me as an individual. And they certainly don't respect my husband. And I love my mom, but don't particularly like her. She's mean!

I'm hoping that tomorrow when I wake up I'm feeling somewhat normal, though the abnormal feeling just gets worse each day.

Honestly, WHAT THE FUKK IS WRONG WITH ME!!

You may not want to hear this but it may be the benzo you are on. Over time, clonazepam lowered my I.Q. drastically. I was foggy, losing common words in conversation all the time, had increased panic attacks (and more severe ones), and I was very forgetful. It was something that built up over time After tapering off the benzos, these problems disappeared altogether or greatly reduced. I had been afraid I was getting early onset Alzheimer's or something.

I'm on a high dose of Seroquel too 350 mg/day. However, cutting your Seroquel is a dangerous propositon, you know, just inviting mania and paranoia to slip right in.

Really, you may need to start tapering your benzo, scary as that is. Or the wellbutrin isn't agreeing with you. Wellbutrin may have made me a bit forgetful as well, if I recall (though it's hard to say, I've been on so many meds). Raspberry, I don't think you should cut your Seroquel without discussing it with your pdoc first. Just wanting the best for you

Last time I cut my Seroquel so I'd have more energy I ended up super manic and only just stayed out of the psych hospital.

Iloveanimals25 · Feb 15, 2025, 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

My meds still allow me to bawl my eyes out, remarkably enough.

I feel like I'm losing my damn mind. I don't feel right. Nothing feels right. I'm forgetting things. I'm confused. I'm foggy. I'm forgetting conversations I've had with people. I'm making stupid mistakes regarding the ezine. My psychiatrist is out of the office on vacation for the next two weeks. I'm lacking motivation. I'm sleepy. I don't know what's wrong with me! I think I'm on too much seroquel, so I'm cutting my dose in half. I think I'm going to call the nurses line on Monday anyway. Maybe a different psychiatrist in the office can help me.

I had an appointment with my therapist this morning and she thinks maybe the seroquel increase combined with the wellbutrin increase is having a negative effect. Something about dopamine.

Monday night I invited my parents out to dinner. Not looking forward to it. They're going to see me and tell me I'm not a 23 year old girl anymore. They have zero respect for me as an individual. And they certainly don't respect my husband. And I love my mom, but don't particularly like her. She's mean!

I'm hoping that tomorrow when I wake up I'm feeling somewhat normal, though the abnormal feeling just gets worse each day.

Honestly, WHAT THE FUKK IS WRONG WITH ME!!

I'm so sorry! Big hugs. Hopefully you can get to the root to it all soon. ❤️

Nammu · Feb 15, 2025, 03:09 PM

I didn’t want to get up and face the day. I woke up at 10 but stayed in bed reviewing my dream, it was a pretty cool fascinating one. We were doing art in a class. Then my brother took me to an apartment of his girlfriend ( in real life I don’t have a brother) and ICE came for them. They took me to a residential art school.

In the dream there was like 5 feet of snow. That was the reason I didn’t want to get up, snow. I didn’t want to see how much we got. But we didn’t get that much, thankfully.

I was able to sleep well last night. It was cold and that always helps. Gonna be cold for the next week. Subzero cold. But I’m gonna have to go out in it. Monday I have my therapy appointment and Tuesday and Thursday I have art class. Brr 🥶

Crazy Hitch · Feb 15, 2025, 03:13 PM

Good morning

I’m just plodding along. Not great weather today. Pouring with rain. Think I’m going to put some jeans on. Haven’t worn jeans in forever but it’s a bit chilly outside. A cold front has come through. It makes a change from the super hot weather at the beginning of the week. According to my scale I have lost 2 kg in 2 days. I don’t trust that. Whilst Wegovy might be good it’s not THAT good lol. My gp said I can expect to lose 1 kg a week so I’ll go by that estimate. Freaking stuff is so darn expensive I was seriously watching what I ate yesterday. It forces you to diet otherwise what’s the point of spending all that money. Think I’m going grocery shopping thi morning. Hopefully I don’t spend too much money. Kind of broke until payday again. My insurance was a lot of money that I had to pay back and it stuffed up this pay cycle plu I had to get my eldest son a birthday present when he turned 25. Such is life 🙂

Iloveanimals25 · Feb 15, 2025, 03:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Had a good day so far. We had a little Valentine’s Day celebration in the community room with chili, cornbread and cheesecake. It was all really good.

I did a drawing of one of my favorite characters from an anime show I watch today and I also did a random painting of a city at sunset

Feeling pretty good today. Gonna practice violin later

I so wish my son had your motivation to still socialize. They don't do things there, but they go out and go bowling. In the summer they go to the lake and even once in the summer go to our local amusement park. He didn't go last year. I miss the pre schizophrenic son that was fun and wanted to socialize. He was supposed to come out today but he's saying he's too tired. I feel so bad for him. I got him this nice gift that has a lioness and a cub and it lights up all different colors. I couldn't get it to work. So my sister has it. Anyway my heart breaks for him!

Blueberrybook · Feb 15, 2025, 03:44 PM

It's been a pretty low-key day. Today is H's birthday, so I'm planning to make a nice dinner this evening. I did pilates this morning, video really worked the arms! Showered, ate, read with the SAD lamp. I returned some books to the library and picked up some holds I had there. I drew a bit. My jaguar came out pretty well but my other picture was meh. (in creative corner). I hope everyone has a great day!

Blueberrybook · Feb 15, 2025, 05:09 PM

@Crazy Hitch - I know you said you are self-conscious to walk for exercise outside. Have you thought of doing some exercise indoors? I do pilates, and you don't need any equipment really, not even a mat if you have carpeting. There is a fantastic free YouTube series called "Move with Nicole". There is a playlist of 10 of her beginner videos, but some are much harder than pure beginner as I still struggle with them, but 2 of her beginner videos are a great place to start. The easiest is her Absolute Beginner Pilates video:

And once that gets a little easier the next one (this one has a really good arms workout) is:

The videos are absolutely free and even if you suck at coordination (as I do!) you can still follow along fairly easily. True, you won't burn as many calories as walking, but you will burn some, and pilates is fantastic for toning.
Another thought, you could buy some light dumbbells, 2 or 5 lb. if you don't have any. There are a lot of arm exercises you can do with dumbbells, plenty of vidoes online regarding that. Just a thought. If you can get moving with exercise, you will begin to speed up your metabolism as well which really helps with weight loss.

Mountaindewed · Feb 15, 2025, 06:41 PM

Does the flu start with real bad body aches? Thats my main symptom right now. My throat feels like it has a slight tickle in it and my nose is running a bit. But its these muscle aches mainly.

Crazy Hitch · Feb 15, 2025, 07:24 PM

@Blueberrybook

Thanks so much for sharing 😊. I’m going to look into these videos when I get home. Very useful!

Blueberrybook · Feb 15, 2025, 07:25 PM

Oh my goodness. The master bathroom sink is clogged. Bad. H is trying to de-clog it, no luck so far. It's almost been too much - first the washing machine, then the refrigerator, then the car, now the master bathroom sink. All of these things have broken down/malfunctioned within the past week. And on H's birthday too. He's not very happy, went to the hardware store for something. I was going to make a nice dinner tonight, but now I have no clue when we'll be eating. I tell you, I have been fairly stable of late, but this last one thing has got me nearly in tears. Well, I know it doesn't help I'm 2 days before my period is due. Please, God, let H get this fixed soon and me to calm down. I am so sick of everything in this house breaking all at once!!

Blue_Bird · Feb 15, 2025, 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iloveanimals25

I so wish my son had your motivation to still socialize. They don't do things there, but they go out and go bowling. In the summer they go to the lake and even once in the summer go to our local amusement park. He didn't go last year. I miss the pre schizophrenic son that was fun and wanted to socialize. He was supposed to come out today but he's saying he's too tired. I feel so bad for him. I got him this nice gift that has a lioness and a cub and it lights up all different colors. I couldn't get it to work. So my sister has it. Anyway my heart breaks for him!

I’m sorry to hear about that. I was that way for many years when during the onset of my schizoaffective disorder/bipolar. I didn’t leave the house except for appointments and rarely left my bedroom. I wouldn’t even come out to say hi to friends that would visit to see me, they’d just be in the living room talking to my mom and I wouldn’t come out cause I was so paranoid. I hope things improve with your son

Blue_Bird · Feb 15, 2025, 07:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Does the flu start with real bad body aches? Thats my main symptom right now. My throat feels like it has a slight tickle in it and my nose is running a bit. But its these muscle aches mainly.

It can, that’s also how covid started for me at one point

Blue_Bird · Feb 15, 2025, 07:52 PM

Had a good day. In the morning I took a walk to the store. Then some in the afternoon I took a nap with one of my cats. Then I practiced violin for an hour. I also read a lot today. Like 3 hours total possibly more, my focus has been pretty good today. Tomorrow I have a violin lesson

Blueberrybook · Feb 15, 2025, 08:16 PM

Oh, man, H started trying to de-clog the pipe with an auger...and it wasn't hair like we thought but roots! SHYT! That means the pipes are cracked and more expensive plumbing work

I really just can't wait for this day to be over.

Nammu · Feb 15, 2025, 08:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Oh, man, H started trying to de-clog the pipe with an auger...and it wasn't hair like we thought but roots! SHYT! That means the pipes are cracked and more expensive plumbing work

I really just can't wait for this day to be over.

Oh, I’m so sorry. Who woulda thought that hair in the pipes would be good news?

June08 · Feb 15, 2025, 09:21 PM

Not much to report on my end. I was feeling a little down so withdrew into myself a bit. I also just wasn't physically feeling the greatest, but I got an IV this morning so am feeling significantly better. I was able to go for a walk for the first time in almost two weeks today. The person who put my IV in wasn't very good though so, after she tried twice, a second person had to come take care of it (so, three pokes total...). My roommate has been getting on my nerves more than normal, which sometimes can be a mood shift but could also just be me being in a bad mood these past few days. Because seroquel has helped with my depression, I am taking 12.5 mg tonight and tomorrow to see if that helps lift my mood/make me feel less irritable. I was also dumb and had an energy drink later in the day, which has me wired, so maybe a little seroquel will help counteract that.

Mountaindewed · 02:11 AM

I have something I think. I have a cough, sore throat, muscle aches, some congestion, and cold sweats. No fever though. I had a lot of doctors appointments this week. I could have gotten it from one of those.

I feel like I'm going to go insane. I keep having all these weird memories of people doing medical tests on me. Maybe it did happen and I blocked it out? A lot of shyt happened when I was 13 that I can't remember.

I just have the flu or something and this nonstop cough

Iloveanimals25 · Feb 16, 2025, 03:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

It's been a pretty low-key day. Today is H's birthday, so I'm planning to make a nice dinner this evening. I did pilates this morning, video really worked the arms! Showered, ate, read with the SAD lamp. I returned some books to the library and picked up some holds I had there. I drew a bit. My jaguar came out pretty well but my other picture was meh. (in creative corner). I hope everyone has a great day!

Until I was about 30 I exercised every other day. Then when I was 34 my mom passed away. When I was 35 I had back surgery, then at 36 I had that psychotic break. Since then I've been pretty sedatary.

About 3 months ago I was doing a big about 25 min physical therapy work out. Then I got the flu and haven't went back. But I went to the Dr and I had lost 12 lbs in 4 months. I'm not eating much since I took myself off doxepin. Idk what I'm going to do when I'm taken off clonazapam. I guess go back on doxepin.

Before I was medicated for bipolar I was in an avid reader. I would even read like 5 books at a time. A lot of non-fiction. I read my history book from college about the beginning of America to right before the Civil War. It was horrible what we did to the the natives and blacks and indentured servants. I read it like 4 times. I'm hoping getting off clonazapam gives me the ability to read again.

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