Bipolar Check-in #87

I’m all moved! I’m a city girl now… I don’t have internet yet, but I’m a quick walk from the library (and honestly right now I’m using data). Just boiled myself up some Ramen.

Awesome so happy for you! And ramen is delicious . Speaking of ramen I just bought this kind today

Though I also have the regular Maruchan kind too

I don't know. My husband is saying I'm not being a ***** that I'm actually being very sweet and I was thinking of divorce because he doesn't deserve me being a ***** to him. I have to unpack. I keep thinking x is when things will feel better but it's a moving goal post. I'm just ****ed. My dad doesn't want me to unpack but I feel like I have to.

@victoria’smom you do realize that when you are unwell you frequently have these thoughts of not being good enough/leaving your H, and that that is what’s happening right now, right? It’s not true, just your symptoms trying to push you down!

Hope you feel better soon

I’m so weak, no idea why. I get lightheaded and feel like all my blood has drained to my feet. I’m told I get pale when that happens. Plus my back and neck is acting up. I’ve been using a cane but I think the walker might be better in case I black out. I’ve been calling an acupuncture place for the pain but they don’t answer. I’ve been eating cheese for a boost.

went to the dr this am for this cold that turns out is a sinus infection. i couldnt sleep last night. i was miserable. im a feeling alittle less rough at the moment. even started on laundry. hoping to go to seven brew tonight for a drink

@MuddyBoots , I only realized that after therapy when I was thinking about how bad I'm actually doing it creeped up on me, that I should have known given that I wanted a divorce . What sucks is I saw pdoc Wednesday and I mentioned some depressive symptoms but I was / am truly unaware of how bad I'm doing like really, I'm not sure really where I sit. So there was no med changes because it could be the housing situation but given that just the next day my t was going to call the crisis team on me I'm obviously unwell. I don't know how to explain everything to my pdoc. My chest is still tight, being ripped apart and empty. I'm not joking around like usual, I feel like when I walk in a room I bring it down. I may or may not be sui, it's just awful not knowing how and why you feel the way you do. T has wanted my meds adjusted for months the whole going from laughing to crying freaks her out I think. I don't know which way is up right now. I feel like I'm drowning but nothing is wrong. I'm supposed to be doing school work but who the hell cares, I haven't even told t I got a scholarship to my classes weeks ago. I just don't know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots I’m all moved! I’m a city girl now… I don’t have internet yet, but I’m a quick walk from the library (and honestly right now I’m using data). Just boiled myself up some Ramen.

Congrats! That's wonderful!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu I’m so weak, no idea why. I get lightheaded and feel like all my blood has drained to my feet. I’m told I get pale when that happens. Plus my back and neck is acting up. I’ve been using a cane but I think the walker might be better in case I black out. I’ve been calling an acupuncture place for the pain but they don’t answer. I’ve been eating cheese for a boost.

Have you been to see your PCP about this issue? I know too meds can cause that feeling of lightedness, but you want to be sure nothing else is going on. Sorry about the pain in your neck and back. I get neck pain a lot from an old whip lash injury, and have been there with back pain in the past, so bad it made me cry a lot of the time. Is there another acupuncture place you can call? I know I've had acupuncture in the past, not for pain though but anxiety. I wish I could still afford it, it was better than taking a benzo for a panic attack at relieving my anxiety. Could massage work as well or is the pain too bad for that? I've also done massage for anxiety, tight muscles...that worked well until I had that sexual assault happen at the massage place (and it wasn't a shady type place or anything, located in front of a Target, near businesses like Panera Bread, etc.). Now I don't think I can ever do massage again

Quote:

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom @MuddyBoots , I only realized that after therapy when I was thinking about how bad I'm actually doing it creeped up on me, that I should have known given that I wanted a divorce . What sucks is I saw pdoc Wednesday and I mentioned some depressive symptoms but I was / am truly unaware of how bad I'm doing like really, I'm not sure really where I sit. So there was no med changes because it could be the housing situation but given that just the next day my t was going to call the crisis team on me I'm obviously unwell. I don't know how to explain everything to my pdoc. My chest is still tight, being ripped apart and empty. I'm not joking around like usual, I feel like when I walk in a room I bring it down. I may or may not be sui, it's just awful not knowing how and why you feel the way you do. T has wanted my meds adjusted for months the whole going from laughing to crying freaks her out I think. I don't know which way is up right now. I feel like I'm drowning but nothing is wrong. I'm supposed to be doing school work but who the hell cares, I haven't even told t I got a scholarship to my classes weeks ago. I just don't know.

You say you feel like you're drowning but nothing is wrong...I'd say the whole housing situation is a very big wrong thing. Is that still not sorted out? If I had that going on, I'd be either very depressed or mixed. If your T thinks your meds should be adjusted and you are doing so unwell, why not give it a try? Something is not working for you.

@HALLIEBETH87 I hope you start feeling better soon! It's miserable being sick.

@JaneOnceMore How are you doing? Haven't heard from you in awhile and just wanted to check in with you.

I'm just relaxing this evening watching some anime. Feel pretty good aside from a slight headache. You inspired me @MuddyBoots, I'm gonna have some ramen tonight for dinner later!

I'm happy with how my painting came out today especially since it only took like 15 min at most.

Did your art books ever come @Nammu?

Hows your nail hobby going @Crazy Hitch ? I had a dream I did my nails for Halloween. I like the glue on fake nails you can get on amazon, there's a lot of fun different designs for holidays and whatever other designs you can imagine. I don't do my nails often though due to playing the violin

Awesome! I did RCIA in 2018 to become officially Catholic, it was a fun process

Not the drawing one but the gouache painting one came today. I’m a bit disappointed with it. It isn’t until 2/3 into the book that it has tutorials for painting which is what I wanted to not the history. Hoping the drawing one is tutorials.

It’s tough getting in to see him. I’m trying the acupuncture first to see if it’s the pain making me light headed. I know mum really got frustrated with me alway putting off going to the doctor. But I find that most things resolved on their own.

@Blueberrybook no we get a notice to quit Monday. HUD finally answered they are blaming the complex and refuse to pay their money before it is fixed. The complex is saying it's not our job to track HUD down and so is HUD but if it's not fixed it's us that go homeless. The psychosis clinic is supposed to set me up with a caseworker because I moved counties and have to redo assistance and that makes me paranoid. I have to start that by the 10th when I get the eviction notice. We're just going about it like they'll fix it and won't fail us. I don't see pdoc for another month. I figure if one housing assistance came through the other will too. We'll check Monday. If I get a notice I'm taking it to legal aid to see if they can help.

I was a bit crabby today. And my pulse was 100 just sitting in bed. Then I took an almost 2 hour nap and I woke up feeling fine. I sleep when I'm stressed. Plus I took my blood pressure med this afternoon instead of tonight. Which causes drowsiness.

I'm about to put on my music. I had some lemon flavored pasta for dinner. I'll give the job a call tommorow to get the details. Maybe it won't be that bad.

@LadyShadow will you officially enter the church at the Easter Vigil?

@Sunflower123 Sorry you're struggling. I hope the seroquel helps!

@MuddyBoots Congrats on the move!

@Nammu I'm sorry you have so many health struggles right now. I hope you start to get some relief soon.

@HALLIEBETH87 Feel better soon!

@MuddyBoots congratulations! Did you get furniture too or do they do a voucher?

I've got a whole bunch of emotions and thoughts going through my brain. The main things are connected to the fact that I have to move in May (not sure where to yet) and a conversation I had with my boss yesterday. I currently teach two different subjects to one grade level. He told me that, in order to stay at the school, I need to teach one subject to two grade levels. I have zero desire to do this. And, I feel like he's taking advantage of me by assuming I'd sign my contract the same day he told me this instead of giving me time to think about if this is something I'd like to do. It's also frustrating because, based on how he explained it, it sounds like one teacher wants to change what she teaches so her ask was accepted at the cost of me having to change subjects no questions asked. I didn't sign my contract but, unless a miracle happens, I'm going to have to next week. In general, I'm not super happy at my current school anymore, but I'm not in a position to not sign a contract and hope I find a new job, especially since I need a job that provides health insurance. I have a meeting with my boss when I return to work on Tuesday (it's a three day weekend for me) to talk about this more.

Despite all of this stress, and having so much to do this weekend, my mood is staying okay. I had some passive SI the other day, but that is mostly gone already. Not really sure what triggered that, but the extra stress didn't make them worse so that's good.

@Blue_Bird I’m absolutely loving doing my own nails. At the cafe this morning the server complimented me and said I have nice nails. I should have told her I did them myself lol

@June08 it’s a long weekend here. Monday is Labour Day so I’m not going in to work. Yay!

I woke before 3 AM and couldn't go back to sleep. So I went for a long power walk, but it was hazy and there was smoke in the air, something burning nearby but not fire from chimneys, it's like 67F outside with 100% humidity.

The worst thing is yesterday I poked myself good in my right eye with a towel (not sure how that happened!). My eye was fine yesterday but it hurts today even with eyedrops. I'm wondering if I've scratched the cornea again (at least I don't wear contacts!). Of course, the eye doctor is closed for the weekend, so if it is still bothering me Monday, I will try to get an appt.

I want to get cleaned up, but my daughter is leaving early this morning to take the SAT, and she & H need the bathrooms as H is taking her to the test. I really wish my eye felt better though!

I also woke up super early and was unable to get back to sleep. I woke up around 4am. So just stayed up. It’s about 8am now. I’ve been listening to an audiobook.

I feel pretty good today aside from being tired. I’m not as irritable as I was yesterday. So far at least.

I don’t really have much going on today. Going to try to get on the treadmill later and practice violin too. That’s about all. And read a lot hopefully.

It snowed last night, yesterday we were having 60 mph wind gusts.