Bipolar Check-in #87

I slept from 4 until 11. So I got 7 hours and I feel ok. I called my GI office and the nurse didn't get why the ER was looking at my GI issues when I was there for heart stuff. She was all like "they don't know your history." She said to take the carafate though.

It is so nice outside its helping my mood. I got IV fluids and some zofran but nothing else so I don't feel hungover from pain meds or anything.

I have a stocking job in person interview tomorrow! I think this will be much better for me than cashiering or fulfillment was.

Good luck @Blue_Bird!

Not much to report my side. Saturday morning here which means I’m taking my son to swimming lessons. He wants to go to the airport museum afterwards. I can’t really say I feel like going but we probably will after swimming lessons.

It’s Friday for me, but nothing much to say either. Had a very long often waking in the night. The temperature rose throughout the night making it tough to sleep. When I did sleep were mixed up dreams of an apocalypse time but I had my car from the 70’s.

Did get my papers turned in, for hud. Trying hard to get to the grocery store before the storm, but I’m procrastinating.

Thank you @Crazy Hitch ! I’ll let you all know how it goes. It’s tomorrow at 4:30pm

Good luck @Blue_Bird!

The ER doctor prescribed omeprazole, 4mg zofran, and carafate. My own GI said it waz ok to take that. And I checked the drug interaction checker and they are all good with my psych meds.

But I feel pretty good after the 4mg zofran. Its the kind that disolves under your tounge. I was on 8mg a couple months ago, but that was too much. I also took the first dose of the omeprazole and I'm not having any trouble. The carafate isnt ready yet.

I guess it was at least kinda worth going to the ER to get different GI meds.

Idk if I'm just being impulsive but idk if I'll be able to handle a job, I tried multiple times and always got unstable due to the stress and lack of sleep

I am having a really bad panic attack so I just took a PRN klonopin

Part of me thinks it’d be good for me and part of me thinks it’d be horrible for me

Like at least this would be a set schedule. The shifts would always be 2pm to 11pm instead of the swing shifts I did in retail before which highly disrupted my sleep schedule cause there was zero consistently at all. But I’m still debating. I guess I’ll go to the interview

The other problem is because the shift ends at 11pm there’s no more buses on that route at that time of night so I’d have to pay for an uber home after every shift which would get expensive

Would working that late disrupt your sleep schedule though? I used to work until closing some days when I was a ride operator and by the time I got home it was midnight or sometimes even later, and of course I would be wired from working and it was hard to find a decent way to relax quickly that late when “if I can’t fall asleep by 3am, I won’t wake up in time or with enough rest for my shift” worries went through my mind.

It might be fine for you, but I know I can’t really handle working that late.

Yeah it would disrupt my sleep. I used to work swing shifts and anything past 7 pm would disrupt my sleep. So like if I was working till 11 or midnight when I got home I’d be up for hours too wired to sleep

It takes me like at least 4 hours to wind down from work. So it probably wouldn’t work out.

A lot of times when I was working before I’d just skip sleep between shifts because there would be no way for me to relax enough to fall asleep in time for the next shift. So I’d just go in on zero sleep

T yesterday said something about negative symptoms of Sza and that she thinks that is contributing to my depression. I'm lazy and stupid. I'll never be able to work like this.

T wants me to come to the office once a week for at least 4 months. H wants me to do it. But the idea of riding with a stranger, talking to strangers them doing evaluations, and things. I think she's just passing me to her boss and doesn't want to work with me anymore. In reality I know that isn't the case. I want to say yes but I don't at the same time. All this help makes me feel incompetent.

These past few days have been all fear. We haven't even changed counties. I haven't let SSI know or anything. I'm basically shivering in fear and I have no idea why.

The manager says we're good but nothing has posted yet.

Hey guys! So, I had a good day today. Last night was SO horrible - my ex didn't email me the whole day, so of course I took it out on myself and went through all our old text messages and started crying all night. It was so horrible! Thankfully, I had my friends to guide me through all that, but still horrible! He finally emailed me today like nothing happened, so I have just got to force myself to treat our relationship as friends, (which it is), but stop putting so much pressure on it. I literally check my phone all day for an email from him, I swear I am obsessed.

Got my butt out and went to Walmart, (I hate Walmart), so it was quite an adventure. Also managed to get my eyebrows done, so it was a good day. Went to the Stations of the Cross at my church and met my friend and her kids for dinner beforehand - I bought her kids some raffle tickets for some of the prizes the church is giving away for St. Patrick's Day, it was fun, the best $20 I ever spent at how happy they were. @Nammu and @MuddyBoots - I definitely am going to try and go to more meetings. The way I make money these days keeps me barricaded in the house most days, because I am just kind of waiting for jobs to come in, and I can literally be sitting there all day waiting for jobs. I need to find myself an actual job so I can fit some meetings in that schedule. Speaking of jobs, good luck @Blue_Bird on your job venture! I hope it goes well.

But I am finally in better spirits today - I need to find purpose in life, but at least I am smiling today!

I'm normally asleep by now but because I woke up so late I'm not. And these melatonin gummies are just like candy. I watched that sitcom with Reba whats her name and then St. Denis medical center. Both pretty dumb. Dateline is on but I muted it. My therapist thinks a lot of my anxiety j started when my dad would have Forensic Files on when I was 6 and 7. I remember there was this one story about a little girl who went missing and I was using mindfullness at age 7 without even being taught it. Just acknowleding the thought and letting it float away. Yeah some things were effed up.

Anyways I wish I could sleep

I'm feeling kind of lonely/withdrawn tonight. I think it's because I have an IV appointment tomorrow and those have been emotionally tougher to deal with the longer I have to go to them-especially when it comes to loneliness.

These past few days have been so-so; kind of boring actually. My POTs fatigue has been pretty bad since Tuesday so I've been trying to rest a lot. After school on Wednesday, outside of eating and doing my dishes, I spent the entire evening laying in bed watching tv because I was so tired. And, I went to bed early that night.

I think my mood has been relatively stable. Although, when I started reading Harry Potter tonight, I was hit with a high bought of anxiety that the magic in the book was going to posses me so that was fun. I was able to push through it though. This could be a sign that my mood is shifting. Part of me wonders if the dark magic part of Harry Potter actually just triggered a memory/took me back to when I was undiagnosed and believed the devil was out to get me. Possession paranoia is a common symptom for me when manic though so we'll see how it plays out.

@Sunflower123 How scary! I hope you and your mom recover quickly and do not have to deal with to much pain.

It’s been an okay day. Took my son for swimming lessons then took him to an airport museum. He bought 2 planes on his way out. We stopped off for lunch at a cafe. I had chicken salad but couldn’t quite finish it all it was a big plate. I don’t like wasting food but I just couldn’t finish it. I offered the chicken to my partner but he didn’t even want it so it kind of just went to waste. My partner is doing very well with his weight loss. He’s lost 15kg in a few months by changing up his diet and throwing in exercise. Kudos to him for being so disciplined.

Thank you all for the support. I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner; I've had one of the worst migraines I've ever had the last 48 hours. It's much better now but yesterday was rough. I need to get window blinds to help block light, especially if I'm going to have as many of these as I have been. I'm sure that won't; I'm going to try to get into my family doctor next Thursday after I've talked to my pdoc. I talk to her Monday but can't do the family doc until Thursday because I have therapy Tuesday and it would be a late cancel and Wednesday I have the dentist for fillings.


I'm feeling much calmer about things. It helped knowing that I'm not alone. I've also had some conversations with my mom about exactly how much money I have saved (not enough) and how to keep that money safe until we know what's going to happen. I had a lot of time to think yesterday while I laid with my eyes closed but couldn't sleep to think. I'm terrified but for right now it sounds like if you already have benefits you won't lose them. Of course my renewal pending so long doesn't make me feel confidant in this but it's something.

And @raspberrytorte if you haven't gotten your tax forms they are available on ssa.gov I ordered a paper copy on the website so it hopefully will have the form to determine if any taxes are due (they won't be but I like knowing 100%). I thought maybe they just didn't send paper copies this year but my mom got hers so I don't know.

Anyway, again, thank you all for not leaving me feeling so alone. This can be hard because the very bad side of having a therapist for 19 years is that I can read him about as well as he can read me. And so when we've tried to talk about this stuff I can tell he leans the other direction. It just feels uncomfortable. So I wait for my pdoc appointments to get counseling on this (22 years and I can read her politics agree pretty much completely with mine). Pdoc Monday!

Yes I struggle with going to the dentist. And brushing my teeth everyday. I need to get in and see my dentist. Hes really hot, lol. Its beenabout 2 yrs.I don't take care of my health like I should. I need to do a mammogram. I haven't had One since my son was about 4. Need a pelvic exam it's been like 3 yrs. And have to get into the eye Dr.

Proud of you for taking care of yourself!😊

Good morning , I decided not to do the job interview. I can’t risk messing up my stability again

Can’t stand it anymore!