Bipolar Check-in #88 (again!)

i see pdoc today. glad to report im doing A OK. no changes needed i dont think. except i need a prazosin script. my niece wants to spend the night. love that kid. then tomorrow is the easter parade (which i why i think she wants to come ot my house)

I had a wonderful dream. I was playing a cards to get game and clearly remember my cards. I had 5 9s but I needed 9 9s to get a cabinet. Then a Native American medicine man came and was telling me the wisdom of living life, unfortunately I don’t remember what he said but his presence was very calming. Then I went back to my game! Cool dream.

I needed to eat well today as I have a blood donation. So 4 of us went out for lunch. I had a cheesesteak and fruit. So now I’m just waiting to leave..

Blueberry, excellent flower!

Yeah, but there's also downright dangerously stupid. She essentially said I don't need to eat or see a doctor if I have a positive mindset, to not consider that my intake sucks (don't think about how people can literally die when their potassium gets too low and how mine was just severely low too) and just focus on the weather getting warmer and how talented I must be if I can play multiple musical instruments (which I reminded her my muscles aren't exactly 100% right now and not sure if they ever will be again so thank you for that reminder). She suggested people can will their way out of hallucinating and paralysis and such. When the more and more she told me to be positive and the more aggressive I got, she got frustrated and just said "hopefully your therapist can explain it to you more and can help next week," like, no, my therapist teaches radical acceptance and self-care. Not denial and "if you think you can swim to the sun, you can," because she's not a careless, dangerous dunce.

I get the mindset of "if you think you can, you're halfway there," for stuff like, doing well at a job interview. Not physically impossible feats like surviving jumping into a furnace blasting at the highest heat of any factory on earth.

I was feeling agitated and angry randomly this afternoon and decided to pray the whole rosary then say a prayer afterwards and it made me feel better. Like at first I wanted to punch something but then once I stuck with it and got through it I felt a lot better. Thanks @LadyShadow for rekindling my interest in my faith!

Anyway, I did that painting today. Walked to the library and picked up a request. Took a nap with Mustachio. Then I practiced violin for 30 minutes.

Gonna take a quick shower then probably read

Well! I got rejected for the blood donation, my iron is too low again. Hmpf. I’m taken only one iron pill a week because my iron was too high for awhile. Stopped and got the sparkling wine and OJ for mimosas on Sunday.

Tomorrow morning is donation day. I should go through my clothes. Everything fits but there’s stuff I never wear. I have an iron I’m donating as I’ve not ironed anything in years. I don’t even have an ironing board anymore. Then Sunday is the brunch.

OK, I don't want to jinx myself but I think that maybe, just maybe I am finally over this sinus infection! It took 8 days to finally kick it. And that's with me having a pretty darn good immune system too; I'm grateful my mom is okay with us not coming to the family Easter as I wouldn't want to give this (if it's infectious) to anyone else in the family, especially not my mom and grandmother.

I'm doing okay today. I slept like 3 hours last night so I spent most of the day in bed.

I'm so sorry she said those things I think are inappropriate from a healthcare professional that should be there to help you through this difficult time.

It's good you can see through her and that what she's saying is way off. I know it's cliche to say this at this point, however, if there's a possibility, can you try to find someone else? If not, could your therapist help you navigate through this?

There's a lot of really unhelpful stuff and people around unfortunately. It sounds like you're already pretty self reliant, which is a great trait to have especially in this situation.

I know it's frustrating, because it should be obvious to them that you need help but they're too wrapped up in their own agenda to care beyond the superficial.

All I can say is I think you're doing well in the circumstance. Keep advocating for yourself, even when they're not listening.

I had such a hard time today.

The pneumonia is really bad. I have been staying home so it has been kind of manageable. But I had to go out a few times over the past few days and it was so hard!

My lungs just don't like the outside air at all. I think it's still too cold and the air really bites. I get super congested even though I take the inhaler before going out.

I had to go out today for a relatively long time and had a really hard time breathing.

That didn't help things mentally because of course I was really low today too.

I have a couple of days where I can stay home so hopefully things will get better.

I FINALLY heard back from social security about the benefits review I've been waiting on since October. Interestingly they didn't actually make a decision; they just said they'd sent me the forms but don't actually need them and won't be conducting a review right now.


I have to admit that I feel deeply unsettled by this. I suspect I triggered it by calling a few weeks ago. But I'm not sure it's entirely good. I just feel suspicious. I guess I'll find out if anything happens. I hope it if does it's not bad.

But at least I don't have to freak out about getting the mail every day.

Oh, boy do I feel for you! I just had a sinus/upper respiratory thing, and it made breathing harder for me, especially the first few days. Finally today, the slight strain I still had on my breathing is gone. It makes a huge difference in everything you do even with a little breathing strain, I couldn't imagine pneumonia! And it definitely doesn't help things mental-healthwise when you have a hard time breathing. I hope you feel better soon!

I have a bit of the heebie jeebies right now. I went down on my prestiq a few days early. And I'm kinda feeling it. I have this weird smell hallucination but my cat might just be in my room.

My salad turned out pretty good. I've never made anything before. I don't think slice n bake cookies count.

This was just someone from our state's mobile crisis line because the person doing my actual team's crisis line last night didn't want to, or didn't know how to at the least (probably the former though, honestly), deal with me and directed me to them.

I'm gonna freaking love reporting back that now after promising to eat more, I'm more terrified to eat and eating even less and with zero variety (but it's okay! It's not like I need potassium if I have positivity...) next week.


I think my new distress tolerance/ crisis management hobby is going to be trying to make mobile crisis people try to quit their job though.

Oh, rainbow 🌈 that’s got to be so hard. Why couldn’t they just say you’re fine. Yeah trust is an issue right now with all the federal agencies.

I played one of my videogames on my Nintendo Switch for an hour and a half (Life is Strange 2) nice escape from the world for a bit. Almost finished with the game. Looking forward to starting the next one in the series Life is Strange: True Colors. Anyway, really enjoying getting back into videogames. Idk if I mentioned this but Mustachio broke my Xbox a week or so ago. She dragged it off the dresser when she was trying to jump up there and it fell on the floor and it did something to the hard drive. So now I just have my Nintendo switch for gaming. Someday I’ll get another Xbox. No time soon though. Maybe in a couple years. What an expensive cat! lol

Anyway, I’m doing good this evening. Probably gonna play more games later. For now though I’m gonna listen to music or an audiobook.

@BeyondtheRainbow

That is very strange. I wish they would have just told you you're fine! I'd be suspicious (and for me anxious) too. Anything is possible under the orange one's reign. It's probably just because they have morons working in that department right now because Muskrat had everyone fired and they don't know what they're doing.

@MuddyBoots

I've had experiences with healthcare and crisis line people giving me really bad advice too. Like, once when I was actively manic and psychotic I had a therapist tell me I should do something that would have just made it a million times worse (been VERY triggering), and then once when I had post partum depression I had a therapist tell me I should just give my baby to my parents to raise (and no... I wasn't talking to my therapist at the time about hurting her or anything). And then that one time I overdosed on gabapentin I called the crisis line and the nurse on the other end just, rather rudely, said, "That's a question for the hospital!" And hung up on me.

Those are just a couple of instances!

Anyway, so crisis line people and 99% of therapists can kiss my big, fat ***!!!! 💋 🍑 I'm never calling the crisis line again. Both times were a fail.

Anyway, so I'm sorry you have to deal with such negligent people. 😞

The extra 12.5 mg of seroquel had me feeling like a whole new person today. Last night, I got a much better night's sleep than I had for about a week and, today, the irritability and hypersexuality were both gone. My anxiety was high today, but that tends to be unrelated to my bipolar symptoms.

Today, I went for a walk, played games on my phone, did a load of laundry, read a little, and went to part of the Good Friday liturgy at my church (I left early because my anxiety was already high and then the person sitting next to me was making me feel uncomfortable). Not sure how I'm going to fill the time tomorrow. The only thing I absolutely need to do is grocery shop. And, maybe cook something.

There was this big crash outside and the ac makes me feel like I have oxygen on for some reason. Like I'm warm besides my nose. I had issues again with my throat so I took some mucinex earlier. Its this weird slightly painful feeling like something is caught or stuck or I swallowed the wrong way and I also have a cough. I'm trying to take care of things. But I have several going on.

Today I break my diet for my birthday yesterday.

So I had French toast for breakfast.

Going out for dinner and will definitely have dessert in lieu of a birthday cake!

Looking forward to seeing my daughter at dinner tonight!

Got my blood work done this morning. Borrowing my mom’s car so I can do another donation run. I have a lot of wax in my right ear (had to think about left vs right for a second again), so stopped at the MB first to get some stuff to soften that up and hopefully get it out easier. Tried working on it last night and got a lot out with baby oil and water but now instead of feeling pressure it just feels blocked and I can’t hear for shyt.

But I’m hoping to go back to my apartment today and just exist.

muddy, I know my PCP can wash the wax out pretty easily. I'm not sure if they might do the same at an urgent care. You can always call and ask. It's a lot easier; just saying because H does it at home, and it takes him ages and still doesn't completely help. The doc on the other hand did it very quickly. It's a weird feeling but works. I hope what you get helps, otherwise if you can find a doc or nurse practioner to do it, it is much more efficient.

If it feels blocked from the inside, it could also be sinus pressure? I had that recently, and Mucinex D (well the generic) cleared that up. Of course, you have to get that at the pharmacy counter. Just something to consider if all else fails, could be from sinuses.

My PCP said it was wax yesterday and wanted to make a whole separate appointment for it, but screw going back just for that. I just soaked some hydrogen peroxide in it and drained it and it’s a lot better now.

They already have my blood work done and my potassium is up to a whopping 3.2 now. Glucose sitting pretty at 63. BUN low too and anion gap high. Everything else on the BMP is normal though.

I feel ok today. I slept well. I'm not sure whats going on next door outside at 11PM though. I finally got in the shower at 7:30. And I went to the grocery store at 9. I haven't had any valium or Visteril or anything yet. My anxiety is pretty low despite the decrease in Prestiq.

I had some of the hummus chickpea wrap I made yesterday. It wasn't bad.

I don't have any plans for today. I'm behind on my meds so I should probably figure them out so I don't have issues in a couple hours