Bipolar Check-in #88 (again!)

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Originally Posted by raspberrytorte I started a rewrite of the beginning of my novel tonight. THIS is the beginning. I got quite a bit written. I've been feeling very floaty and strange and weird for a while, but it's gotten worse the past couple of days. Last night I was visited by the negative entity. It spoke to me and inserted images into my mind of twisted, contorted faces, but strangely enough I wasn't afraid and I haven't been paranoid or anything. I've just been floaty and confused. I keep on forgetting I need to get the ezine up. I have to get it up tomorrow. Tomorrow is my last day. I was gonna do it today, but I spaced it. I can't let these writers down. I don't know. I've just been feeling things more deeply as of late, like I can feel all the emotions of the world, and I've been seeing beauty in everything.

It's good to hear from you. Have you been taking your full dose of Seroquel? I know if I try to reduce my Seroquel, bad things happen. Have you been sleeping? If not, I'd say that could definitely make you floaty and confused or if you've had to take more prn meds or if you're still working on reducing your benzo (I can't remember), that has all kinds of issues if the reduction is too big or just even comes too fast in time before you are ready for it.

You will get your ezine done. You do a fabulous job with it. I would also be interested in reading your novel, but then I don't know, the anonymity goes away unless there is a way to read it without exposing your privacy.

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Originally Posted by June08 I don't really know how to exactly describe how I'm doing. At work, I've been mostly okay. But, outside of that, depression is messing with my appetite and ability to get stuff done (which is problematic since I move in less that two weeks). I'm also still struggling with SI so that's fun. My favorite part of the day is getting to go to bed. Getting up is really, really tough. As much as depression and SI sucks, I haven't had a bought of it since September which is a good stretch for me so I guess that's a good thing-progress. I just have to wait it out, try to do a better job of not letting it stop me from getting things done, hope seeing family this weekend doesn't make it worse, and hope the SI doesn't get to bad.

I am glad you at least had a good stretch from depression & SI, you're right, it sucks big time to be depressed and dealing with SI, but the good stretch lets you know it is possible for you to not feel that way. Have you seen your pdoc to talk about it and ask of possible med adjustments? I admire you for being able to work not only dealing with bipolar but with POTS as well and even getting walks in when you are up to it. You are definitely an inspiration to me!

I can't even begin to explain yesterday.. I couldn't stay awake. I slept until 10AM, and from then until 5PM I swear I was dosing off the entire time. I came home and slept two more hours, and fell asleep again for another 3-4 hours.... at least today I don't feel so tired but I could still nap haha.

There is a lot of family drama going on, and my mother obsesses on it. I mean she will probably drag it out and bring it up for at least 4 more months, everyday..... it's just exhausting. Its hard enough without the constant reminder. ya know?



Hope everyone is doing OK.

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Originally Posted by Nammu I went to my daughter’s to watch the last two episodes of Stranger Things but we didn’t realize they are 2 hours not 1. We got to squeeze it in between my daughter’s activities. In the morning she goes for coffee with a friend then at 2:20 my grandkids get out of school and my granddaughter had cheer or gymnastics and my daughter is a chauffeur. We’ve got an hour and a half left. Today we paused to go pick up so fantastic Greek food. I had the salad with lamb in it. Mmm Slept well last night. I know I dreamed but I’ve forgotten them. Blueberry love the cat!

Thanks for the compliment on the cat. It was fun to draw. It's from a 10 step book drawing cats. I just ordered the 10 step book for drawing dogs. I like this series of 10 step drawing quite a lot.

@Brentus Sorry with all the drama going on. I really hate family drama. Sorry about your fatigue was that at work you were falling asleep? Are you sleeping well at night?

@Blueberrybook I feel like I'm sleeping well at night but clearly there's a disconnect somewhere. I was at work falling asleep -- but luckily my job has a lot of down time and there's nothing for me to do if a customer isn't here. We didn't have a customer all day long, so it wasn't an issue -- but obviously I don' t like sleeping at work lol.

So the drama with family is rough. Once upon a time I thought highly of my grandparents but those days are long gone. There was a debacle a few years ago where my sister and I were accused of something heinous -- which lead to conversations about how my grandparents " dont know me" nonsense. Without getting into that -- I've never stepped foot in their home again. If I see them around, I'm cordial -- and if they are at a family function, I'm kind... but I'm not going out of my way to be hurt like that again.That all being said... my relationship with them has been strained for years.

My sister lives in a house my grandparents inherited like 25 years ago. My sister pays rent. We've had multiple issues over the past few years with my grandparents threatening to sell the house out from under her (after verbally agreeing it was going to be her house when they die).... but my sister has had it rough. She is schizoaffective. She's tried working and enjoys it but her condition makes it very strained on her when she has breaks from reality. Stress is a major trigger.... she is on SSI, but only makes like $870 as she tries to work top make more money..... anyway to the current issue.

My grandparents asked her to come up to their house to talk. They want her to sign a contract that she will pay $200 extra dollars in rent ($650) AND there's a clause that if she doesn't pay it by the 10th they reserve the right to evict her. and told her she could freely just move out if she didn't want to sign it.

Now despite being a little insulting. My grandparents might as well be called slumlords. They ***** and moan at any repair they have to make, and they do they very least they can, and not in a timely manner. The house is falling apart and it's fair to my sister they demand so much and they can't even do their part as landlords. I told my sister to research landlord responsibilities and laws, and let them know she will report them if they don't comply. What makes me so angry about it is honestly, if they wanted to ensure rent is promptly paid without issue they could register the house for HUD -- but it wouldn't pass inspection and they know that. So instead they'll offset the burden on my sister by expecting her to live on $200 ish dollars a month.

That whole side of my family, I really just feel like disconnected from. I want nothing to do with them. Like my grandpa told me -- "Your family is nothing but troublemakers and need to leave my family alone" -- I feel the same too these days sadly. HIS family and MY family are NOT the same.

Well, end of rant

Wow that is a lot @Brentus - all my grandparents have passed on, but I couldn't imagine them doing to me what they are putting your sister through. That definitely sounds rough. I know it isn't any of my business, but is there any way she can find subsidized housing for herself on her limited income? Just a thought.

I am sorry you have been having a rough morning @Blueberrybook - tiredness seems to overwhelm me at times even if I sleep 10-12 hours and I don't know why. @raspberrytorte - I am sorry things have been floaty lately, but I am so proud of you for getting your writing done for your novel, it is something I have been trying to do for a long time with no success. @Blue_Bird - I am sorry you have been up so long, 40 hours is a lot, and you sound really agitated. I hope that you are able to get your meds today and get some good sleep.

As for me, I had a rough night. Around 3am I heard a really loud noise by my desk next to my bed that woke me up. It was almost like @raspberrytorte said, like an evil entity showing itself because I was scared after that and had a hard time going back to sleep. I had to be up early for work, so I woke up kind of groggy. Last night was rough too because I was drowning in my heartache and feeling really lonely. I cried a lot and prayed, thankfully, Jesus stayed with me and comforted me through it.

I am grateful for my faith or I wouldn't know where I would be. Bipolar mood swings are the worst, especially when it's one strong emotion to another.

Other than that, I hope everyone has a fantastic Wednesday! It's kind of hot today, so I am just hanging out with the AC on. Oh and I got a notice that my rent is increasing next month. Just great, ugh.

Man I don't know what is wrong with me. I woke up feeling crappy but I finally got in the shower. I actually went into a store for once.

But my back is killing me and my lungs feel weird when I breathe and I got my lab results and they are high and low and idk whaf it means. My hematrcrit is pretty high again though. Which might explain a lot

I took my morning meds and was able to sleep for 3 hours. Surprisingly. Normally I’m not able to sleep during the daytime. I turned my lights out and I have light blocking curtains and put on my sleep mask and was able to get 3 hours. Which doesn’t make up for 30 hours without sleep but it should hold me over till tonight when I can actually get a solid night of sleep after taking my night meds

I took an uber to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. There was no way I was gonna attempt walking downtown and taking the bus on no sleep. So just took an uber there and back and it was quick and easy and my uber drivers were really nice.

Anyway, I feel less irritable and terrible now that I’ve slept some.

Feeling really grateful for my mood stabilizer trileptal, my abilify and my Thorazine. I guess that’s a sign not to ever mess with my meds. This wasn’t even on purpose though like I just kept procrastinating on picking them up from the pharmacy then I didn’t realize until I was suddenly completely without most of my meds. The Zoloft is there too but I can miss some doses of Zoloft with no negative effects really. But missing trileptal, Thorazine and abilify is a sure fire way for me to get zero sleep and super irritable and impulsive. It’s like no meds equals no sleep , more impulsivity and irritability and no sleep equals even more impulsivity anger and irritability, mood swings, it’s just a spiral.

I used to do this stuff all the time though, completely go without sleep. Like I’d be working one day, going home, not sleeping the whole night, then going straight back into work in the morning and working all day. Idk how the hell I did that. It wasn’t a once in awhile thing either I was doing it several times a week every week for months. This was last year. Idk how I even managed to function. One night without sleep now and I’m ready to break down and cry

I got two movie tickets. One for tomorrow to see a horror movie called Until Dawn. And one to see the Thunderbolts in 3D on Friday.

I got a new pair of shoes finally took the plunge and bought a new pair. I ended up going with Sketchers because they’re more affordable. My current Nike Air maxs I’ve been wearing since November 2023. The bottoms have almost worn away through to the soles so I figured it was time to replace them before I literally ended up with holes in my shoes.

@Blue_Bird I'm glad you picked up your meds and slept some. For me, it is a nightmare to miss my meds especially if I'm off the Cymbalta more than a day or so and if I skip even 1 night of Seroquel, I am guaranteed to have a horrible night - difficulties falling asleep and then terrible night sweats. It happens even when I reduce my Seroquel; sometimes I think if I could just reduce it, I'd have more energy but then I don't sleep, get irritable and manic and if the mania isn't taken care of ASAP for some reason I go into psychosis FAST, and my psychosis is god-awful, I black out for days at a time. Thankfully, since I live with H and my daughter, they see to it I get to a psych facility right away when the psychosis starts.

@Brentus Wow, your grandparents sound like uncaring, malicious people. Your poor sister. I only have my grandmother still alive. She is like a 2nd mom to me (and often better than my own mom, who is mostly okay these days though every now and then she will do/say something that pushes my buttons). My grandmother is almost 92, so I know her time here can end any day. Thankfully, my grandparents were all kind to us and good people despite most of them having lived extremely hard lives.

@LadyShadow I am sorry you are dealing with bipolar mood swings and it sounds to me like you want to work out the relationship with your ex, but what if he deserts you again the next time you are manic or depressed, I just think you really should consider stepping back from that relationship, let things cool down, get yourself stable. I definitely wouldn't have recovered enough from such a bad manic episode yet and be ready to try to re-ignite the relationship with your ex, which is what it sounds like to me you want to happen unless I'm mistaken. Have you done much work in therapy on your issues with co-dependency? (I can't remember, are you seeing a T?).

It's still not the easiest to breathe but better since taking the 2nd low dose Seroquel and some Benadryl (even though I don't think I have allergies, but maybe the Benadryl relaxed me a bit). I read with my lamp and finally felt well enough for breakfast. I drew just a little becase H has a dentist appt. today, and he had to leave for it. I think the coloring messed up my Bengal cat (in the creative corner). I have a cat drawing in process I had to put aside to get lunch ready.

Then, since I'm a glutton for punishment, I thought I'd vacuum a little. I really hate cleaning, but there comes a point when the cats have kicked so much litter out of their litter boxes onto the garage floor, that I just really need to vacuum it up and it starts bugging me a lot. I really wanted to do it yesterday but couldn't having that housework done on the pipes and foundation; it's finished now! Then I thought I might as well vacuum the rest of the garage and the kitchen and then I added another room and another until I'd done most of the house. Now I'm pretty exhausted and I probably should have saved the bulk of that for another day.

I know against everyone's judgement about me getting back with my ex, but I am hoping for it anyway. It probably is my codepenency issues which I have been battling with a long time, but mostly because I still love him. @Blueberrybook - I definitely appreciate the concern, but like a glutton for punishment that I am, this is the path I have chosen. I am hoping to not have a crazy manic episode again in which he would leave me again, but if he does, I will know better. I have plenty of friends and family to fall back on, but I want to be with him.

I am happy you chose the Skechers @Blue_Bird - I have been wearing mine a really long time. This last pair I have have been going strong for well over a year already, I love the brand. Nice to hear about the movie tickets too - my theter doesn't have 3D showings, but I might catch Thunderbolts sometime next week.

As for me, I have been working hard on things again. I really think I need another job, but I don't want it to affect my benefits. Really stressed that my rent went up and that I have to pay back money to NY State. Just in a lot of stress right now, and don't know what I am going to do about it.

I finally filed my tax (it's due April 30 here), and I owe a lot. So I had to borrow to pay it, because if I'm late they charge a penalty and interest for the whole previous year.

It happened because of something with my disability - money moving around. It's all accounted for, but what a pain!

I'm still at 6 hours of sleep, so at least it's not reducing. Of course, I'm still feeling low but that's nothing new.

Oof, things got dramatic here this afternoon. A lady who goes though the post brought me a package and one of the woman I was playing cards with said, you know that’s a federal crime. And the lady got all kinds of upset. Came back in crying and saying she wanted to join here parents in heaven. Then latter was standing in the hall banging her head on the window. She finally calmed down when the president said she’d call the police. I feel caught between the two sides. I feel bad it was my package that started all this. I don’t mind when she brings me my package even if it’s inconvenient. But I see the other viewpoint too. I don’t like being caught in the middle of drama and there was so much back and forth and talking about it. Now I remember why I play games less. Entanglements.

Got my hair cut, looks great and will look great maybe tomorrow then it’s back to no style. I don’t have that female gene for doing hair and makeup. I was too busy being a tomboy to learn.

Bluebird I’m glad you got some sleep. It’s horrible to miss night meds. I agree with blueberry it’s a horrible sleepless night.

Laddyshaddow be careful. I wish your insurance hadn’t switched your therapy to a higher bracket. Can to contest that?

Brentus your grandparents sound like they don’t understand the situation at all. That’s too sad. I’m sorry.

I am so sorry @Nammu that all that happened over your package. I mean the lady was just being nice to bring it to you. I don't know why people have to insert themselves and upset other people. I can understand why you play games less now. Was it resolved? Is the lady who got really upset okay now? I am really sorry to hear that.

I am doing the best I can under the circumstances. I can only see my therapist once a month, now with my rent increase and the money I owe NY State plus all my other bills, I just can't afford $45 a visit. Plsu he won't help anyway, because my mind is pretty much made up.

I have come to the conclusion that I am not only a horrible codependent, but a straight up masochist . I do things constantly that hurt me, and cry about them afterwards. I have no way of changing this, or no hope getting help for it. The only thing that keeps me going is my faith, which I am trying really hard to hold onto. My work with the church is very gratifying, I just wish I could do more for them. I wish there was more things I could do in my community to help. I wish I could find a job that was meanighful that won't upset my benefits. All I am coming against are dead-ends. Then when I think about it, I should just shut up and stop complaining and be grateful for what I have. Ugh, it all feels so painful.

Thanks lady shadow. Yes it was resolved. The president got involved and solved it. A while ago it was tense because someone stole the community funds. There was suspicion but no proof, then someone got kicked out. Being part of the community comes with ups and downs. Sort of like life in the dorms. There’s about half of the building that doesn’t have anything to do with the community. I understand that.

Well if you have your mind made up, I guess there’s nothing to say, except I hope it works out. It seems strange that your therapist gave up on that. Best of luck.

@Nammu Wow, that's a lot of drama over just bringing someone a package! Is the lady who got upset okay now? Sounds like things are hard for her if she reacted that way to a comment about her gesture of bringing over a package. I would absolutely hate to be caught in the middle of that like you were.

@LadyShadow I'm glad you have your church and your faith. There are things we can do about our actions, like you say being a bit of a masochist with things in your life; I'm sure it starts with baby steps. There must be workbooks on co-dependency at least though for other things CBT might help? I hope things work out for you relationship wise and that your faith contintues to grow and helps you along the way.

It was building up. A group of people felt exposed by those who don’t order things but go through all the packages and note who’s getting packages. And this particular lady is one of them, but she means no harm. She’s kind of slow. The whole thing was building to a head. But yes the lady is fine now. The president did a great job of conflict resolution.

Really I don’t know what management can do about it. They have a table for packages and it’s under camera surveillance. The almost 2 yrs I’ve lived here no. One has has a package stolen. It’s just curious people looking over the packages. Maybe wishing they had one. No harm no foul. And other people feeling like they are exposed. It’s feelings. You know how feelings are, they aren’t right or wrong but when you live in a community these things happen. I FEEL bad it was my package that was the trigger. Eh community. Like I said it’s kind of like being back in the dorms.

I took a Tylenol and some Nyquil High Blood pressure. Honestly I'm not even sure I could walk into an ER because of how crappy I feel. So I'm hoping my aches just go away and I can sleep whatever this is off.

Am I being overly cautious? I have a cough and stuffy/runny nose and I made an appointment to see one of my primary doctor’s colleagues in the morning to get a covid test. This exactly how Covid started last June when I had it. Worst she can say is I have a cold, right?

I keep covid tests at home and use them when I have a runny nose

I had some Covid tests but they expired or I only have the Spanish instructions! Maybe it’s just my asthma acting up.

Found this chart.

https://www.aafa.org/wp-content/uplo...rgies-2023.png

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Originally Posted by Moose72 I had some Covid tests but they expired or I only have the Spanish instructions! Maybe it’s just my asthma acting up.

Some of the expired tests ended up with extension dates. My sister had a positive on an expired test and she had the nurse tell her most likely the expired test was right (though I think my sister then went out and bought a new test which was positive).

I had what I think was a sinus/upper respiratory infection with a lot of those symptoms. Whatever I had it was contagious as it went one by one through my family. My daughter took a COVID test, and it was negative, so I figured it wasn't COVID.