Bipolar Check-in #89

Now Caleb is mad at me..

He made me cry then abruptly got off the phone.

Everybody is mad at me!

I’m crying. Probably cry myself to sleep.

Now talking to my starbucks buddy

Today went alright. Despite feeling so overwhelmed/anxious, I managed to get some things done. At work, I learned the subjects I will be teaching next year are no longer changing, which was good news to me. There are TONs of changes happening at the junior high level, but my boss claims what I'm scheduled to teach next year won't change again. The school day went pretty quickly, so that was nice.

The evening has actually gone pretty quick as well. I spent a chunk of it coloring. It was surprisingly relaxing to just color while having the TV show House on in the background. The picture is very detailed so it's not done yet.

It took less that 12 hours for me to get an email saying I didn't get the job at Target that I applied to. The email claimed there weren't any openings for what I was interested in. Maybe that's true, maybe that's just what they send to people they do not want to hire. The email arrived late at night which makes me wonder if I didn't get past some AI filter they have. I have to decide if I want to try elsewhere. The Target job would have been perfect because it was close to where I work and where I live and it would have allowed me to make my own hours. If I don't get a job this summer, I'll need to find something to volunteer with to get me out of the studio and interacting with other people.

I haven't been eating much lately either. I hate to share food/appetite stuff, but I can't eat anything unless it's raw fruits or vegetables or nuts and toast or I get extremely nauseous, and just the SMELL of cooked food makes me gag. I don't know why. It's like I have morning sickness, except I'm not pregnant (and no, I'm really not. I just had my period). I'm nauseous, my period cycles are all messed up and when I have them they're horrible now, my hair is thinning, no matter WHAT I do I can't lose my little gut and look like I'm fcking pregnant, I'm getting headaches, this month's period was SO weird and SO heavy instead of having PMS before it like I usually do, I had it DURING it, among other symptoms I can't think of at the moment.

I don't know. It's just been weird for a while. I hate this shyt

@MuddyBoots

Welcome back. Sorry to hear about your rough hospital stay. My hospital stays usually suck too, and I can't handle feeling like I'm trapped and can't leave. Plus they seem to like TAKING ME OFF my anxiety meds, so I'm an anxious mess the entire time and withdrawing. Now that I'm thinking back a little, I had one OD where I sat in the psych ward for three days AFTER three days in the ICU withdrawing from ALL my meds until my old case manager came in to visit me, found out what was going on, got pissed and yelled at them. And I was put back on my meds almost immediately. Lol.

@Blueberrybook

Sorry to hear about your mammogram situation. I'd be anxious af too and want that next appointment immediately!

I had to pick up my son during work because he wasn’t feeling well. Oh yes please with a big smile on my face because I got to miss the class I didn’t want to see today. They were terrible yesterday. The cover teacher said half of them were just watching YouTube videos or playing games. As for my son he’s okay. Just lying on my bed watching YouTube videos on his iPad. Feels strange to not be at work when I’m not actually sick or anything but I’m appreciative of the time off.

Ugh, wish I always did benzo withdrawal in a hospital instead of in public where symptoms in public can get me tased, pepper sprayed, arrested, and/or shot at and behind doors can get me dead.

Be safe muddyboots we all care about you!

Tempted to take my mute off and practice fortissimo glissandos on that E-string at 2am because FK THIS PLACE AND IF YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME THINK YOUR BOYFRIEND IS BEATING THE SHYT OUT OF YOU WHEN YOU JUST SAW A FKING MOUSE, I’M SOOO GOING TO HIT THE HIGHEST NOTES AND NOT USE A GOOD BOW ANGLE!!!!

Gonna tighten that string almost to breaking point. Im not afraid. I have another.
Tempted to buy a piccolo and bring my trombone over AND MASTER EVERYTHING ASAP! And playing piano/pianissimo will be a sin in this studio. I’ll get a fking Trumpet, french horn, hell, all the brass instruments, and a drum kit.

I’ll teach you what it’s like to listen to SHYT when you’re either going to sleep or burn any brain potatoes you had left.

Safety is an illusion taught to children so they spend money on locks and securoty cameras when instead they should be learning to LISTEN and READ PEOPLE and recognize the wolves in sheeps clothing.

I think I need to cancel my pdoc appointment tomorrow.

I’m on fking Adderall and valium, I can get “spicy” Adderall and valium from the street.

I don’t need to see any corrupt “holier than thou” fear mongerer ready to kill me for fear I may tear a hole in my socks.

I’m seeing Robert later this morning. Then dropping off my paperwork with my mom. I am wondering if I need to contact Pdoc for an emergency appointment because I don’t know what reality is lately. What is this hell where all my friends hate me??

I called the after hours line at my pdocs office because all my messages with my case manager seem to have disappeared so I can’t get ahold of her. I think I need to see my Pdoc for an emergency appointment today. The after hours lady said to call back when the office opens but that’s in four hours!

I just reported that doctor!!

How to spot a paranoid schizophrenic - YouTube

fk they're onto me! I see them watching me from outside the window, take this video down!

At least I've been smart enough not to talk to my neighbor or my mom (well, since yesterday) because they would both be like "Sammy, you are either on something you shouldn't be or off something you should be on," and all I'd be able to say is "they said I looked good, I took the scheduled meds, not like I'm ALLOWED access to my morning meds until 9am, and maybe JUST FKING MAYBE I wanted a day of not taking 30-40mg of valium or other benzo equivalent for a change?"

Just put the fking IV back in and give me a fk ton of the IV version of Ativan. No waiting in misery or saying "I don't need it, it'll pass before it kicks in" and the next time my potassium or glucose drop dangerously low they won't have to put another one in. Win-win situation.

My head hurts and the negative entity is watching me. Whenever I close my eyes I am filled with paralyzing fear. I hate it. I hate IT. I want to cry. I'm so tired, but I can't sleep because its watching and because the birds are so loud.

Aren’t the birds loud? The sun is up and dashing any chance I have of sleeping.

I know, right? Birds. I hate those flapping fukers! Every. Single. Spring. And it's not even nice out! It's below fifty and rainy!

I can't tell reality from dream anymore.

I fell asleep at 5:15 yesterday afternoon. I had the TV on and I was going to watch The Voice and then Yes Chef. But I fell asleep suddenly until 9:45. I stayed up until 11 and then I slept until 4.

I feel ok I guess. I wish I had a visteril somewhere. I'm not quite anxious enough for a valium.

I found 3 under my bed. Along with a pair of shorts and a pair of Dunks.

I got an appointment with Pdoc for tomorrow.