Bipolar Check-in #89

Today is my nephews 9th birthday. I find it so unusal that they have 11 and 9 year old boys and then a 2 year old girl. It just doesn't seem too common.

I think Tylenol PM causes issues. Increased anxiety and hunger. It is an antihistamine along with a pain med. It took me a bit to figure out why like every other day was ok hunger and anxiety wise but then the other days weren't. It was the same with the Benadryl.

If you ever can't sleep put on the song Good Morning Starshine by Oliver its a trippy 60s song that puts me to sleep in a few seconds

Other good songs for sleep are Woodstock by Matthews Southern Comfort, California Dreamin by the Mama And The Papas and pretty much anything by Peter Paul And Mary. Oh yeah and White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane

Yeah, I applied maybe 3 years ago I think and at the time it said the waitlist was 6-8 years, and when I updated my status it's now saying the estimated time is 7-9.

I'm pretty grateful I got into the semi-transitional/almost-supportive housing place I'm in now. We're having a group tomorrow lead by a social worker from the local PD I signed myself up for. She's been coming in once a week since the beginning of April teaching stuff like boundaries, goal-setting, and coping skills. (The coping skills was the first one I missed due to being in the hospital, there was another I went to but I was crazy unwell that day and don't remember anything other than she wanted us to mindfully unwrap, feel, and eat a hershey's kiss and I straight up told her I couldn't eat it and didn't want to unwrap it in case someone else wanted it). I have no clue what they've been doing at all this month.

Sick stuff and weight talk

So I don't have enough money to go get my injection. My husband is making a big deal about it but I don't care. My foot moves on its own.

Lots of tough times going around on the board. May we all reach the other side sooner rather than later.

Not to much to report on today. One sign of possible progress (TW: food and appetite talk)


My anxiety/sense of being overwhelmed was still high today. It's to the point where I worry about picking the wrong color for my mindfulness coloring book. What a strange thing to be anxious about.

My POTs was acting up this morning, but I felt a lot better once I got some electrolytes in me. I do have insatiable thirst today though.

Yes, my anxiety was bad again today, but I'm still happy with how today went.

I was SO nauseous tonight and had the worst headache, and I think I've figured out why. I think I've been slowly going through loxapine withdrawal. It was SO bad tonight I seriously thought I was going to spew, so I took one out of desperation to see if it would help, and I think it has. It's difficult to say because at the same time I took Tylenol and dramamine, but I'm feeling a bit better.

If that was all loxapine withdrawal fck it, I'm staying on 20mg! That felt like benzo withdrawal, except the nausea was worse.

I feel so hopeless. 😔 Like I'm stuck on all these stupid meds because whenever I try going off one it ends in some sort of disaster. I've tried Lamictal (caused severe depression), gabapentin (severe anxiety and seriously bad impulsive behavior!), propranolol (bad heart palpitations), diazepam (got down to 20mg and was doing okay, but husband found out and got upset so I went back to my regular dose) and now loxapine (got down to 10mg from 50mg but at 10mg caused bad nausea and headaches and anxiety).

Honestly, what the fck am I supposed to do?! Just accept that I'm going to be a walking pharmacy forever? 😭 😭 😭 I think my brain is permanently fcked up. And I ALLOWED it to happen because I'm a FOOL.

I think we are all going through a whole lot on this board recently. @raspberrytorte I am so sorry you are feeling this way - I hope it gets better soon.

I ended up applying for a bunch of jobs tonight. I am going to try my luck at whatever I can get. I did an application for a job for UHaul and it was so hard! Their online assessment was really difficult, even for me, I was surprised. I am trying my best to try and find an easy remote part-time job that didn't require a background check. I am trying my luck with a couple, you never know. The last thing I want to do is give up, which is how I have been feeling lately.

I will say my prayers tonight for everybody on this forum. I don't know what's going around, but it seems everyone has been having trouble. I hope it gets better for all of us.

I think its some kind of stomach bug instead of my regular GI stuff. I'm a bit delusional and sweating
my mom gave me some ice chips. I want a huge glass of water.

I thought my post disapeared but it was above another. Also I heard this deep booming voice right when I was about to fall back asleep.

Appreciate you keeping us in your prayers @LadyShadow that’s so thoughtful of you

It's past 1:30am and it is loud over here. Fighting, crying, music, etc. etc. I don't know what to expect next. It sounds like someone's trying to calm someone down now.

I hurt my friend of 20 years badly. I tried to apologize but the pain is too deep. So I wrote him an email detailed with just how wrong I was to have hurt him so. He has always been an emotional person and he’s shared his innermost feelings and thoughts and I threw them back in his face. What kind of monster am I??? In addition I had tried apologizing via text but that just made it all about me. I said I am willing to be an ear for him if he wants to start our friendship over.

That’s the gist of it anyway. I had been focusing on my pain that I might lose him but that too is selfish. I know he will take time to digest what I wrote. I can’t believe what a mean person I am!

Good morning. I managed to stop my dissociation last night. By playing a videogame then taking a shower and ending the shower with a burst of ice cold water. I felt a lot better after that.

I’m just waiting for the coffee event they’re having in the community room today at 9:30am. Gonna get myself a coffee down there.

Gonna cook that asparagus I never got around to cooking yesterday. And some pasta with ground turkey.

Probably start a new painting. I might try painting a cat face in watercolor.

Really exhausted today. I slept great. I’m just really tired from my meds. I feel on the verge of falling back asleep.

Anyway, I started a new book on my kindle. Currently reading 4 different books. That’s just how I read I like to have a few going at once.

Oy, that is two all-nighters in a row. Good thing I had that nap yesterday. Before I was in the ER for really low potassium, the days leading up to it I kept randomly feeling like I was in a moving elevator, and I’m getting that again. But good news! There are two washers and dryers in the building, I live on the second floor and it’s apparently laundry day for a lot of people on the second floor, so I snuck up to the fourth to see if it was open, it was, AND they had food donations out for us INCLUDING KIDNEY BEANS which in this whole can I got is 1505mg of potassium (approximately).

When I was in the waiting room for the potassium I was freaking out that my ears felt weird and invade with fish, and that just started as I was typing this.

Why do I always start actually feeling the electrolyte imbalance symptoms hard on laundry day?

I had my morning meds and some decaf coffee and I’m at pdoc’s office for a check up and my mom says I’m slurring my words. I slept just fine last night. We’ll see what Pdoc has to say.

I thought my appointment was at 10:00 but it’s at 10:30. Been in the waiting room forever.

My program manager asked if I wanted to facilitate an art/painting group event here in the building starting in June and going forward so I’m gonna be doing that. That will be fun!

Glad the laundry room was available and that you got some food we have donations of food put out in the community room. Anything people who get stuff from the food pantry, if they don’t want specific stuff they put it out for other people and if people just in general have food they don’t want or need they put it on the donation shelf in the community room for others to take. That’s a nice aspect of living in supportive housing

Yeah, we do pretty much the same. I think some churches or volunteer organizations come by and drop a bunch of stuff off periodically too.

I just called my team like an hour ago asking if I should he getting the potassium supplements I was prescribed like a million caged hours ago, but I think by the end if the message I left I forgot who I was talking to and now I’m hearing a lot that I’m like 99% sure isn’t real sound.

Yeah, I kinda wanna go to everyone’s door and ask if they’re playing music and switching from opera to jazz to NPR to 90s alt every 54 seconds, but not super into being looked at funny.

Yeah, I don’t think someone just switch from “I used my only phone to call my own daddy, I got twenty long years for some dust in a baggie,” to R Kelly to Mother Mother “I Gi Hungry and omg it just won’t fking stop!

🎼 I go hungry for some dust in a baggie 🎶

Sounds awesome! It’s like almost summer already, man, I’m not prepped for this. I need to like, have a few months more sober enough to not look like a white tiger with purple stripes before it’s short sleeve season. I think I figured out where I’ gonna get my moose tattoo though. I gotta hold off because I don’t want to dip into my top secret Plutonium bank account and ink myself (ha like the squirrel in Finding Nemo) before getting a desk and a chair. I was hoping wayfair would have some good deals this weekend for Memorial Day, but I might find a used furniture place and just get something to treat it for bugs first so I don’t risk paying $300 to nearly pass out in the laundry room spending $8 to “heat treat” everything and pack in bags and throwing so much shyt away.

I swear someone’s fking with me. I feel like I should’ve gotten a call from my team by now? This is why I told DHHS and the social workers at the hospital and why are they scratching wiarters? That my CMHC is a dumpster fire.

Oh... I forgot to add, AND I tried tapering off sertraline but that was a disaster too because I literally couldn't stop crying, so I had to go back on it.

I give up. Completely.

Also wanted to add - minus the lamictal and diazepam, this was all done under doctor supervision.

I'm getting my Sleep Token tattoo today at 2PM. I'm a little nervous. Not because of the pain (I already have five tattoos and don't care about pain anyway) but because I've never gotten a tattoo this big before! And I've never gotten one that's going to take three hours! All the tattoos I have are small and took like half an hour to forty-five minutes. I don't know. Just excited AND nervous I guess.

You'll get a job @LadyShadow. Don't worry. 😊 @Nammu - I hope you feel better soon. Same with you @Moose72 and @MuddyBoots and anyone else who's having a hard time right now, including you @Victoria'smom and @Mountaindewed. I hope I haven't forgotten anyone. If I have I apologize. My memory sucks right now. Topamax brain. Ugh.

Pdoc said it’s not a medication issue but a lot of stress so no need to change my meds. I am really exhausted today even though I slept all night. She said the stress was making my symptoms worse like the hallucinations.

I know my hallucinations are causing so much stress right now that I don’t think I can unstress my way back (if mine are even caused my stress, I don’t know, I’m probably in benzo withdrawal, have amphetamine in my system, haven’t slept great in forever, and am pretty sure my electrolytes are fked again, so maybe my body and brain is just throwing me a party to try and make things better knowing I love music and maybe it thinks I’m a little lonely too so it’s giving me some good ole cumpney, it’s confused because I like listening to MORE than 15 seconds of a song and kinda just want to sit in silence for a little and chill? You know, have some alone time and not be asked every five minutes if I know how to play blackjack?

Dude, we’re all shytshows right now its tragic and great to have company. (Real company, not brains not lnowing how to work and making shyt up)

Thanks for including me @raspberrytorte!

I feel much better today. It must have just been some weird bug thing.

I’m feeling a significant lift in my mood today. Compared to how I’ve been the past month. I actually feel motivated and interested/excited about my hobbies again and life in general. I feel really good. Hoping this lasts. I have a lot of energy which is nice because I was feeling very …. I can’t remember the word for what I’m trying to say but I was feeling very sluggish for the past month and losing interest in my hobbies and irritable frequently. Doing my hobbies felt like a chore and I was angry a lot.

Anyway, I am occasionally forgetting the right words for things. Words I typically know. It’s like they’re right there on the tip of my tongue but I can’t recall them. This happened the other day too I forgot the name of a very common object. I’m guessing it’s from my meds.

@raspberrytorte I hope your tattoo turns out wonderful!