Bipolar Check-in #89

Ugh, so reassuring: "The results of your mammogram are: ABNORMAL. Further evalution is needed. You do not have dense breast tissue." Sent from the mammography center. I really wish my next mammogram & the ultrasound could be done sooner than June 9, so I could just get it over with. As my PCP said, odds are it's nothing, but I just want the reassurance.

stressful busy week ahead of me. ugh. why do ikeep feeling bugs crawling on my face>>??!?!

My dr appointment got moved to 6:20 pm so now I requested that my Apple appointment be moved back to this morning. No response yet. AND my mother has decided I don’t NEED the appointment at all not even knowing WHY the nurse said I DO need it! My mother has her own doctor’s direct number so she’s not one to say anything!

I just panic-cancelled my dr appt for later this week, so when i went to reschedule, they informed me my insurance had changed! I had no idea! So i ordered a new card and it should get here before my new appt. So i guess it was a good thing i panicked.

thank God i got a CD at the bank when i had some extra money last year. im gonna withdraw it today to pay for rent and toward tires on my car.

I need to call my doctor. It hurts to just kinda.. exist? Like my bones have been aching for awhile and just walking around is tough. I got the insoles and I've been trying to do a little bit everyday for awhile. But its not really helping. I wonder if I have joint issues from being on my shots for over 5 years. I've heard of that happening.

I don't feel terrible today. Just very achy and my insurance is being weird about my eye insurance. Overall I'm a lot better mental health wise then I was a week ago.

I looked into my bloodwork some more. All of the levels that are high or low are related to my blood count and all of them can indicate Luekemia.

I'm just still very achy and coughing and my pdocs nurse sent me a message about the results and just asked if my pcp had seen them.

It took forever and 2 attempts today to paint something. Just one of those days. Still not happy with my apple.

Bloody awesome well done 👍

I'm sorry so many of you are having difficulties. Sending (((HUGS)))) to everyone. I'm doing well, just feeling a bit on the quiet side; I've caught up on all the posts though and just wanted to let everyone know I'm thinking of you all.

I want to take a mental health day from work today but my partner is wfh and in his eyes there’s no such thing as a mental health day. I’m fragile. My one class were awful yesterday and I see them again today!

My Apple Care is finally linked!

I think they were trying to link it to the broken phone I’d just returned Saturday!

Good evening

I ended up taking a nap when I got home from the food pantry

Was dissociating a little bit earlier but managed to pull myself out of it with some cold water on my face and some meditation.

I feel better being back up to my full dose of trileptal

Haven’t been irritable lately either which is good.

I want to go back to college in the spring (around January) to finish my associates degree. I don’t want to throw myself into something impulsively like I did with the jobs and then the stress making me unstable. But I feel with the right support I may be able to go back to college part time. Like 2 classes. When I first went to college I was taking like 6 classes a semester. I did great for almost two semesters then I got overwhelmed by the stress and ended up unstable and had to drop out. So I’m gonna limit myself to 2 classes.

Anyway, I’m gonna think it through and only do it if I feel fully ready by then mentally and make sure it’s not an impulsive decision that I end up regretting or that backfires on me.

I think 2 classes is a very good idea, it’s manageable. I love school and would love to just take various classes especially art, history and literature just for the pleasure in it. When I’m doing a bit better I should look into the community college here to see if I could do that. But I have so many credits I don’t know if they’d let me. I’m over 65 I wonder if they’d just let me audit classes for fun?

Sup guys!! Back from the hospital! Pdoc had someone walk me to the ER, explain and they went ahead with their normal process (threw me in the dungeon), but randomly a guard came in the room (teeny room, bed in the dead center so all corners), I got PETRIFIED and hit him, and then was on involuntary status. They did one session of ECT because of my poor reactions to most meds, but “get undressed and let us drug you unconscious “ ALSO had me flipping out after and they couldn’t go ahead with any more. (FYI the 1st time I did ECT was at another hospital where I could remain clothed).

They couldn’t transfer me to eating disorder IP (long wait list, insurance, IEA cross state lines shyt, still having a BMI over 18 and having a decent heart rate and not a CRAZY low blood pressure), so I’m still on the waitlist for eating disorder PHP which I’m told I will most likely he denied for being too acute. I was referred to a trauma center in Boston which can do Zoom therapy, but they don’t take my insurance, but have a sliding scale so it’d “only” be $25 a week (if I get a season pass to my favorite resort to ski and go over 15 days a season that would he cheaper per year if we exclude paying for other things involved like rent, internet for therapy and gas and gear repair for skiing). My mom and I have a better relationship now though, and she said she would help pay for it if I couldn’t come up with the $1,200+ a year and it’s helping.

So, yeah, went voluntarily to the hospital initially, have another IEA on my record now and am covered head to toe in bruises (from the guard attack/being pinned after and also them putting in/taking out 6 IVs over the time. Oh, and in giving me 20mg of valium in intramuscular injection they hit the bone in my butt so I am limping too). (Am probably dependent on benzos because literally all they gave me was Adderall (was told I’m too hard to talk to off it), clonidine, and valium (oral and injections), Ativan (IV and IM), Xanax (which they learned just makes me swear a little too much), and a couple 1-2mg doses of Klonopin.

Welcome back @MuddyBoots. Thanks for the update.

I know my community college let people audit classes, there was an older man in my Italian class, he was auditing it. You should look into it

Good to hear from you @MuddyBoots

Welcome back muddyboots.

It’s so good to hear from you @MuddyBoots I hope you’re able to get the therapy sessions with the trauma center and that they help

Hospitals help so much 🙃 And the nurse practitioner said I “broke her,” and at points put the fear of God in her, the psychiatrist said I could probably only find adequate treatment if someone that cared about me and knew a lot of psychiatry had trillions of dollars for a center for someone with a lot of “muddy water” (many comorbidities and a solid foundation of trauma that mimic and make each other worse).

They both said (paraphrasing, but definitely keeping the sentiment) they wouldn’t be surprised if I die soon. The NP said to try to stay out of ERs because they’re literally morons that do nothing but retraumatize and transfer me, and being inpatient might keep me alive one day but they so very much doubt I’m safe even just a few hours after discharge. Hell, half the time I’m not even safe in there. A part of being “too smart for my own good.”

@Scooter9 I'm sorry you have appetite issues too-they are no fun at all. Thanks for the tips!

@MuddyBoots Thanks for the update. Good to see you and sorry things continue to be so hard.

Hey muddy.

But wait, i thought you had oppositional defiance disorder.

Sorry about your mate.

Theres a bone in our butt?

Never been diagnosed (might’ve been had I seen a therapist in the age range for it), but I was called oppositional a lot in the past two weeks.

I think they hit the end of my femur where it sticks out when you sit? (Idk, all I have is bones and bullshyt now)

Welll the dr wasn’t very nice. Said my ankles were swollen because I ate too much salt. Huh. The nurse thought it was my heart that’s why she said to come in. The dr treated me like I shouldn’t have been there. I felt totally judged. I’m going to leave her a bad review.

I'm still coughing up chocolate milk from the other day and I wheeze. H wants me to go to the Dr but I go at the beginning of June. I can cough until then. I feel like I can breathe again and I'm not sleeping due to lack of oxygen my whole body no longer hurts. I did figure out my leg muscles constantly moves so I got to talk to my pdoc about that. I don't have the money to go to get my injection so I don't know what I'm going to do about that. It's around $40-60+ to get to the appointment and back. I forgot to save for it because it's every 28 days not 30. So I don't know. I have the study coming up too. I don't feel prepared to start school.