[June08]

I have some nervous/restless energy tonight. I was doing well most of the day, and then crashed this evening. I'm feeling very overwhelmed at the moment by little things. Some mild SI too.

Some of the restlessness may be from being home so much-I'm not sure. This is dumb of my brain, but sometimes I catch it missing my mood being off because, when it's off, I feel like I have a purpose: get better. But when stable, I'm like "now what?" I spent so long trying to get stable that it's weird to not have it be such a big part of my life.

Thinking about this, and a conversation I had with my pdoc about finding a purpose, I am thinking it would be cool to do something mental health related. I don't know that I want to go back to school though. But, I discovered today my city's Hospice program has a center near me where you can volunteer for a program that helps kids with their grief. So, I'm going to think about whether or not that might be something I'm interested in. It looks like they might want at least a year's commitment.

[LadyShadow]

Went to the movie today and saw How to Train Your Dragon - and I loved it! It was so good! One of the best movies in a long time! I had a really good time. Then I went to Adoration and lit two candles for me and my guy and prayed for us. Then I went to my Legion of Mary meeting and it was really good - they had cupcakes and lit a candle for my birthday! It was so nice! It made me feel really good. I also got some really cool presents - a journal and some other wonderful things. A really nice lady gave me some Cosmic Crisp apples that's only at Sam's Club that are SO good, and some really good strawberries too. It's been a long time since I had strawberries. Had a really good phone call tonight too - today was one of the best days I had in a while. No tears today!

@Blue_Bird - I know you worry about getting a job, I am like that too. I would get really manic and apply at all these places in which I know I can't do it. Just go tomorrow and tell us how it goes. Remember you don't have to commit to anything. Did you get to see the movie tonight?

@MuddyBoots - my heart is with you as you go through what you're feeling. It's a lot right now, so all I can offer is some hugs.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

Went to the movie today and saw How to Train Your Dragon - and I loved it! It was so good! One of the best movies in a long time! I had a really good time. Then I went to Adoration and lit two candles for me and my guy and prayed for us. Then I went to my Legion of Mary meeting and it was really good - they had cupcakes and lit a candle for my birthday! It was so nice! It made me feel really good. I also got some really cool presents - a journal and some other wonderful things. A really nice lady gave me some Cosmic Crisp apples that's only at Sam's Club that are SO good, and some really good strawberries too. It's been a long time since I had strawberries. Had a really good phone call tonight too - today was one of the best days I had in a while. No tears today!

@Blue_Bird - I know you worry about getting a job, I am like that too. I would get really manic and apply at all these places in which I know I can't do it. Just go tomorrow and tell us how it goes. Remember you don't have to commit to anything. Did you get to see the movie tonight?

@MuddyBoots - my heart is with you as you go through what you're feeling. It's a lot right now, so all I can offer is some hugs.

I'm glad you enjoyed the movie! I plan on seeing it tomorrow as I need something to look forward to I was gonna go today but then I got caught up in thinking about that job. But I decided against the job for now.

[JaneOnceMore]

@MuddyBoots:

I'm sure you know this but i'll remind you of it as it seems relevant: the sad fact is that we're wired for survival, not happiness. As far as our biology is concerned, every day that we live is a success. Our brains can perceive that our quality-of-life is mediocre, but at our core, we want to survive at all costs. I know for decades after

Possible trigger:

i survived a suicide attempt

i was sorry i did. I lived just because i could not die, and i was not willing to risk the trauma of the aftermath of another botched suicide attempt.

But now 26 years later, i am happy and glad i survived. I am enjoying life and loving people and having adventures and enjoying my dog and my home and the beautiful early Summer weather, the perfect June days, our lovely backyard with courtyards and gardens and big shade trees and industrial-grade BBQs and picnic tables and a dog park, etc.

I've been invited to a holy communion party (me and thirty black Rwandans, haha!) and a BBQ just because i was friendly to people and interested in them. People respond to my vibe and it is a wonderful thing! They tell me great funny stories about themselves, they offer to help me, they tell me their problems and i get to be supportive, i get to participate in their struggles and be a message of hope for them, i get a kick out of their accents and idiosyncrasies, on and on.

Hang in there, special one! Your day will come too! A beautiful life awaits you too if only you will last! Five minutes at a time if you have to! It's worth it, you're worth it, Muddy!!!

[MuddyBoots]

Yeah, we're wired for survival, yet I'm at a point there's a chance I literally die from refeeding syndrome if I eat my TDEE for a week... "It's worth it," there has been absolutely nothing I can remember in my entire being that feels like it was worth everything I've been through. I cannot imagine anything feeling worth it, and I'm pretty fking imaginative. But I cannot imagine contentment.

[HALLIEBETH87]

working 3 hours todya to flex time for juneteenth holiday. wish ic ould sleep lol i went to bed before 10!

[Victoria'smom]

Dietitian woes

Possible trigger:

So I'm slowly doing what my dietitian said to do. I hate it I worry but maybe she has a plan. She wants me to drink non sugar / no calorie drinks. I won't do that because it's taking all my calories away. Especially when I can't eat due to pain of my teeth. But with dry mouth I drink a lot so I got some sports top bottles and IV to try. Everything is ****ing expensive. Hopefully I can stomach the flavor water. I can switch my soda out for it but $18 for 15 packs is crazy

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

Dietitian woes

Possible trigger:

So I'm slowly doing what my dietitian said to do. I hate it I worry but maybe she has a plan. She wants me to drink non sugar / no calorie drinks. I won't do that because it's taking all my calories away. Especially when I can't eat due to pain of my teeth. But with dry mouth I drink a lot so I got some sports top bottles and IV to try. Everything is ****ing expensive. Hopefully I can stomach the flavor water. I can switch my soda out for it but $18 for 15 packs is crazy

What? She fking nuts?

Possible trigger:

Drink shyt like tea, water, Bang and C4 Smart Energy drinks, and coffee? The things people drinks to intentionally make it easy to not consume actual nutrition?

[MuddyBoots]

So it was actually a meeting for supportive employment. Yeah. I was with voc rehab but my counselor closed my case because being in the ER 4x in two months is a probably sign you aren't ready to be in a state you're reprimanded for not being productive 15-70 hours a week doing whatever tf someone else tells you to do during whatever hours they tell you to do it. Sorry, girlie, lost my ticket to work, if I sign up for anything paid now I get to pay thousands of dollars a month just to do whatever tf I'm doing now (and then tens of thousands+ for when this inevitably ends poorly but am unfortunate enough to survive).

[Moose72]

Trigger: food

Possible trigger:

fasting before my ultrasound at 2. I’m feeling bad with a sore belly and a headache. Probably coffee withdrawal even though I drink decaf.

[Mountaindewed]

I went out to buy sunglasses from the eye place. She was telling me all this stuff they did polarized and mirrored or some **** and I was just hoping I could get them red tinted. Which I was able to.
Then I went to pick up a case of protein shakes and I got the last rice cooker in stock. I also got rice and yogurt and watermelon and stuff for sandwhiches.

But it was so hot I was really struggling and then I felt really weird when we got in the car to go home. I felt like I was having heart issues. It was a feeling I haven't had before. Just like really heat exhausted and feeling weak from it. I am at home now in my cold dark room and I feel better

I was so ready to take my shirt off the whole time. It was hot.

[LadyShadow]

It is really hot today so I am not venturing out at all. It is going to be really hot in Raleigh tomorrow too, but I am going to go meet my Sci-Fi friend for breakfast and coffee. It feels like a world away, but I am going to make the effort.

Today is going to be a chill day. Going to just relax and try to set up appointments for work for next week. Happy that you didn't go for that job @Blue_Bird - maybe sometime in the future. Hope you enjoy the movie later!

Feeling good for once, not so dramatic today, which I am grateful for. I wish for more days like this.

[Victoria'smom]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

What? She fking nuts?

Possible trigger:

Drink shyt like tea, water, Bang and C4 Smart Energy drinks, and coffee? The things people drinks to intentionally make it easy to not consume actual nutrition?

That's how I felt. Then I was thinking about malicious compliance. H talked me out of that. Now I'm going to do a middle ground. She wanted me to exercise too. Not going to happen. I'm thinking about changing my dietitian because she doesn't get it.

Possible trigger:

I maybe XXX but maybe she thinks I'll eat more but she asked if I was TRYING to gain weight. UMM.. politely **** YOU. I tried to tell her I was trying not to loose weight too fast but she said I didn't need to worry about that AGAIN **** YOU

I'm going to ask my therapist if they have dietitians available that deal with eating disorders.

[Blue_Bird]

I’m going to the movies tonight to see the How To Train Your Dragon movie. Gonna leave a review on Letterboxd afterwards and also check on your review on there @LadyShadow

Tomorrow I’m painting with my friend over video chat

Then Friday I have therapy

Not much else going on during the weekend. Just gonna clean, finish my book and exercise.

I’m on season 2 of Bridgerton. I’ve technically already seen the first two seasons but I wanted to rewatch them so I can refresh my memory so I can watch season 3 which I haven’t seen yet.
On season 5 of supernatural currently. Almost done with that season. Like 3 or 4 episodes left in season 5 then I can move on to season 6.

I’m probably just gonna play my phone game for a while before I go to the movie theater tonight

Hope you all are well!

[Blueberrybook]

@MuddyBoots - You are in my thoughts & prayers. I made it through a very rough patch last November

Possible trigger:

If we'd owned a gun I don't think I would still be here

. Now, though I've been stable 6 months and going on, never EVER thought that would happen. Just goes to show you you don't know what the future has in store for you.

I'll catch up on posts later today. I slept 8 hr. 45 min. so a pretty good sleep. Took a jog/walk, read with the SAD lamp, folded laundry, and painted a bottle of orange juice. Unfortunately it's a bit tilted, but things are busy today, and I was in a rush. After lunch, I have to go with H to the mechanic so he can drop off his Jeep which is acting up and then I have an appt. down in the medical center with my gastroenerologist which is a trafficky drive I really hate.

HUGS to all especially those having a hard time right now.

[Nammu]

I’m sorry for all the troubles people are having, sending cool vibes your way.

Today I had a rather relaxing day. I do need to get the dishes done and the mail looked at. I don’t get bills in the mail so I’m pretty lax in opening it. But there’s nothing urgent. I have a therapist appointment today. It’s been a rather long time so it doesn’t feel like therapy just a nice person I go talk to about all the things I can’t talk about on here or with the people here. It’s been three weeks and my next appointment is a month away. It’s hard to get appointments as she’s booked. And really I’m very stable so it’s just to talk mainly.

Blueberry I think your tilted orange juice has personality.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

That's how I felt. Then I was thinking about malicious compliance. H talked me out of that. Now I'm going to do a middle ground. She wanted me to exercise too. Not going to happen. I'm thinking about changing my dietitian because she doesn't get it.

Possible trigger:

I maybe XXX but maybe she thinks I'll eat more but she asked if I was TRYING to gain weight. UMM.. politely **** YOU. I tried to tell her I was trying not to loose weight too fast but she said I didn't need to worry about that AGAIN **** YOU

I'm going to ask my therapist if they have dietitians available that deal with eating disorders.

Jfc... you know so many people with atypical anorexia die even though they're not underweight? ESPECIALLY because they're not underweight and weight is apparently their only measure of how bad an ED is.

Possible trigger:

Honestly on the border of "severely underweight" right now, but I feel my ED was wayyy worse when I was in the middle of a "healthy range" for BMI but binging and purging like 20 times a week, constantly passing out, getting muscle spasms every morning, getting so drunk I couldn't move just to avoid the urge to binge, stealing food, etc. Like now? What? Instead of having lunch I go to the library?

]

Possible trigger:

I could’ve been fine one morning and dead hours later back then, but now that things are predictable I’m threatened with hospitalization? NOW they suddenly care? “I passed out and woke up 3x last night from muscle spasms after b/p” “ok, maybe don’t do that.” “I don’t want to drink an Ensure.” “I don’t want to go through with an IEA but I will!” You get morbidly obese and can’t do anything you luke to because at that time you pretty much hiked, skied, played sports, etc. from Seroquel and it’s no biggie that you are physically incapable of walking up a hill with more than 500ft of elevation gain and give up on your goals to do things like a Z-Bonds traverse or do the T25, but have a low BMI but have no problem tackling rock scrambles when you go out as long as you don’t go on the worst days, and all of a sudden they freak out.

[Moose72]

Trigger- food talk/fasting mentioned

Possible trigger:

I had the ultrasound at 2. I had such a bad headache from fasting before the ultrasound! They scanned my gallbladder, pancreas and liver. Results later today sometime in my portal. I ate salmon and milk when I got home. I broke down and ate a Hershey bar with almonds before I got to my car after my ultrasound. I felt terrible with all that fasting! My doctor would probably have a bird if she knew I’d eaten a candy bar! Luckily, I won’t have to fast that long before my biopsy. Forget how long- 8 hours? But I’ll be asleep for at least some of that and then I’ll be drugged up the wazoo and won’t care! My psych nurse said I’m doing well bipolar wise and she’ll see me in a month. She said to skip my morning Klonopin on Tuesday. No med changes other than that. I’m allowed to take all my morning meds except my blood thinner for two days before the procedure so that’s Sunday Monday and Tuesday morning. Can’t forget that!!!

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Trigger- food talk/fasting mentioned

Possible trigger:

I had the ultrasound at 2. I had such a bad headache from fasting before the ultrasound! They scanned my gallbladder, pancreas and liver. Results later today sometime in my portal. I ate salmon and milk when I got home. I broke down and ate a Hershey bar with almonds before I got to my car after my ultrasound. I felt terrible with all that fasting! My doctor would probably have a bird if she knew I’d eaten a candy bar! Luckily, I won’t have to fast that long before my biopsy. Forget how long- 8 hours? But I’ll be asleep for at least some of that and then I’ll be drugged up the wazoo and won’t care! My psych nurse said I’m doing well bipolar wise and she’ll see me in a month. She said to skip my morning Klonopin on Tuesday. No med changes other than that. I’m allowed to take all my morning meds except my blood thinner for two days before the procedure so that’s Sunday Monday and Tuesday morning. Can’t forget that!!!

I had salmon today too! Hope your results don’t show anything bad.

[Crazy Hitch]

Mmm I’m hungry but no idea what to eat…..

[Moose72]

Making skinless chicken thighs.

[Crazy Hitch]

Sounds delicious Moose!

[Blueberrybook]

Sorry, skipping a lot of food posts here, just really not my cup of tea today. Not that I'm having ED issues, I just don't want the triggers after a long day.

I saw the GI doc, and it took FOREVER. I mean, what's the point of even getting to an appt. on time if you don't even get called into a room 30 min. after your appt time then you sit waiting another 20 min for the doctor to finally show up? That's why I prefer 8 AM appts.; there's never any back log. But the GI doc does procedures in the mornings, so he only does afternoon appts. The gist of it is I get to have a colonoscopy & endoscopy at the beginning of August, the colonoscopy just due to age and lapse of time since the previous one, the endoscopy because I've had some trouble with swallowing from time to time, not just food, even things like water. It's not a huge issue, but it's also an issue I don't want to get worse, and I already know I have a hiatal hernia, and fingers crossed things haven't worsened with that.

Tired as heck now after a stressful drive and I still need to cook dinner. I really don't know how people who work manage to come home and cook meals afterwards. One long drive and appt. and I feel done for!

[June08]

I went to Starbucks today to work on some things for one of the subjects I teach. I'm wanting to change a lot for both of the subjects I teach so will be working on things from time to time over the summer. My school isn't exactly giving us our full break-they've scheduled an optional meeting next week. Yes, it's optional. But, it's an important topic. I've also received a ton of emails. At least I know I need to monitor them over the summer so I'm not completely bombarded when I return at the end of July.

I'm really starting to feel the lack of human interaction I have since it's summer and I don't really know anyone here. It looks like my study group will probably switch to virtual for awhile so there goes the guaranteed once a week in person interactions I was going to have with people. I think this is part of the reason I have so much restless energy this week. That and being stuck inside because it's so hot outside. My mind is kind of all over the place too.

[MuddyBoots]

I started back with my math lessons again. Unit 7 is so far wayyyy easier than 6. I was able to just put the video halfway through and pause it and study a couple minutes and get all the quiz questions right. Fk integrating for hours, differential equations are where it’s at (for now, idk, only did the first two exercises).