Bipolar Check-In #91

it came out in one piece not bent with strings! IUD is out! It looked normal to me. No pain. Dr said I shouldn’t have any artificial hormones so no new iud (progesterone) or estrogen of any kind because of my blood clot history. I told her I think the blood clots happened because I was off my blood thinner for 4 days for the liver biopsy and that I’m seeing a cardiologist for the hyper coagulation. Just taking gabapentin for perimenopause symptoms. So all in all the visit went well. Didn’t hurt like it did going in.

I'm so glad moose.

My alarm woke me at 8:30 but I said another half hour,…then it was 10! My T appointment was at 10:45! Had to hurry though my morning stuff but I remembered my morning med! I forgot them 3 times last week. My morning meds are all for physical stuff and if I forget then I can throw up and have stomach pain. Gotta remember that. I’ve been so good at remembering until last week.

Was on time for my T appointment that went well. Went downstairs for 10,000 there was 7 of us gathered around the table. But it made for fun games. Gave the lady who always does the scorekeeping two pads of graphic paper that she prefers.

Talked a lot to my T how to navigate personalities. Things are getting divided here by political stance. I stay out of it. I do like some of the people I disagree with and want to remain friends but other people are like if they don’t agree then I won’t talk to them.

I think I have heat exhaustion. I was out all day and sweating pretty good. My neck was dripping. Then I yakked 3 times. I'm lying down now with a different shirt on and my shoes and socks off in the AC

I woke up anxious and nauseated. I'm still nauseated but my anxiety is off and on. Its the heat mainly.

I only got my lazy butt out of bed at 7:00am. Ahhh the joys of being on holiday. Think I’ll go for my lithium bloodwork at 9:00am. I only see my pdoc on 6 August but I’ll get the bloodwork done now while I’m on holiday.

I canceled my dietitian appointment, my gyn appointment, and I have to cancel my study too. The amount of things I can't handle on my own are painfully obvious. can't be home by myself, can't go places, can't go outside or downstairs, Everything has to be locked and then I get scared of ****ing fire alarms watching me. God forbid there was a fire alarm, I'd hid in the bathroom verses going outside alone.

Md-Can you be sure all the meds you took aren’t part of this??

Volunteer shift went well. Lots of sweet kitties. Here’s some of them. One of them was named Dave and one of them was named Papa. Just thought that was funny lol

Waiting for the bus to go home now. I missed the last one by 2 minutes it went right by me as I was walking to the bus stop so now I’ve got about 20 more minutes to wait for the next one to come.

@Blueberrybook: Yes, i can feel the improvements already and it's only been three days. I feel so much better about my reflection in the mirror. I see that i am not a monstrous obscenity. I am just an fat woman. It is not a crime against humanity, it is just a round belly. I even laugh about how i have TWO bums! I have my lower, regular bum. Then on top of that i have flesh deposits on the outer back sides of the tops of my hips ~ two bums! My lower inner bum and my upper outer bum. TWO is better than ONE!!! As a young lady i had anorexia. As a senior lady i have two bums! Hahaha! I got some excellent tights today, so comfortable and fit me perfectly, four pairs of classic black. So i can go to the gym looking sharp! I ordered some faux ballet shoes too. They arrive tomorrow. I can do my ballet poses looking like a real dancer!

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Two of the kids approached me in the lobby today and shyly said they had a question to ask me, that they'd wanted to yesterday but couldn't. The question was: "When can we come to your house?" Hahaha! I said it was a mess but took their number and will call them down when i tidy up. They can draw me pictures! I have paper, crayons, markers, and pens! Looking forward to it!

I go for my initial therapy session tomorrow, at a 'community center.' The other org i am waitlisted for is a 'family service center' and i expect that one will be more worthwhile. But i'll go tomorrow anyways to the 'community center' one as it can't hurt. I will have three walk-in sessions and then we will decide how to proceed, whether i need a short additional course of ten or twelve scheduled sessions, or what.

The 'family service center' will contact me in one or two months. That is a paid arrangement but only $90 per session. I have a feeling the paid sessions will be more worthwhile than the free ones i am going to see about tomorrow. But it can't hurt to have both!

Kind of sick of "The Man-Woman Thing." I'll just focus on female friends, kids, and dogs!

So I was right to be nervous about that additional image at the breast clinic Friday. They found a mass and an asymmetry, both of which can be problems. I've had both before. Pretty sure the asymmetry is what led to my surgical biopsy but I have to look through my huge binder of breast related testing and results to be sure.

This time they didn't go directly to a biopsy which is unusual. I go up on the 30th for a diagnostic mammogram and an ultrasound. I was getting diagnostic mammograms annually until this time. I remember being excited last year because I was going to a more regular routine and my mammograms would be like most women get with the only difference being my annual MRI thrown in there. But that's apparently not going to work for me.

I just wish they were going to just biopsy it. I live with the knowledge that I will have extra screening and sometimes that screening will lead to biopsies. Having an intermediate step just is stressful. I understand they want to know exactly what it is before biopsying it, I just think with my history (6 biopsies in the last 3 years) I'm more than likely going to need a biopsy.

I guess time will tell. So now I have my barium swallow Thursday, 2 days of clear fluids only before my colonoscopy starting Monday, colonoscopy and endoscopy Wednesday and breast imaging the following Wednesday. Then I'm doing an in-person session with my pdoc in mid-August.

This is a lot.

Aww the guy in that first photo looks like he’s looking out for his forever home! Wish I lived near you, I’d come and rescue that guy. Aww 🥰

Yeah, was thinking this or maybe dehydration if you were sweating more than you were drinking in water or something specially for electrolytes like gatorade, pedialyte, liquid IV, etc. (not caffeinated drinks and probably not even something like juice to be honest- I know in significant heat that much sugar hitting me so hard at once without the fiber to even out that sugar being broken down from the fruit makes me wanna barf.)

Had to draw blood from both hands because there’s no veins in my arms. Always a joy getting lithium bloodwork done. Not! Now I see my gp at 1:00pm to get an updated referral to my pdoc because mine has expired. Here they only last for a year.

The meds I took yesterday? Idk. I probably didn't feel well this morning because of them.

But a lot of it is also the heat. Also the ongoing narrowing digestive issue. The thing that showed up on an MRI

I think I am a bit dehydrated. Or maybe a lot. It doesn't help that it doesnt stay down.

And now I'm freezing so I'm not sure if its bad to go from sweat dripping down my neck to freezing under a blanket

I emailed my therapist and we talked about things. I'm not sure if I'm not happy because of the topamax. Or just feeling sick. But I am able to have conversations with people again without the dopamax.

Although I did yell at my brother in a parking lot today. Which is not like me.

Something just isnt right.

I read in the follow up notes in my portal from my OBGYN appointment today that the IUD was malpositioned! Ha! I knew something was wrong!

I'm so glad you are through this Moose. My experience with the Mirena was really negative although I know it is wonderful for a lot of women. Getting it out was the biggest relief ever.

I'm facing menopause with only gabapentin too. I hope we both survive!

Lets hope I don't get locked up tomorrow. This is going to be interesting. I don't trust him enough to tell him how I'm really doing or what is really going on BUT I don't lie to my team.

What would I even go to the ER for? Too much sun and I can't keep anything down and my stomach is crazy. Wtf.



Yeah I'm having these crazy hot and cold flashes right now. Ir could be the heat thing earlier.

I'm really frustrated by how i behave around men. I want them to want me, even when i do not desire them. I feel rejected if i'm around a man and he doesn't pay attention to me, even if i am not attracted to him. It's really dysfunctional. Something to work on in therapy, i guess. Every tiny sign of rejection from a male stranger re-awakens the shattering agonizing global rejection by my ex-husband. Boy, am i ever sorry i ever got involved with him.

I know if i just spend the day quietly tomorrow i will recover. I just overdid it today AGAIN. I seem to overdo it every second day. I don't seem to learn. I'm so dissatisfied when i stay home, but i am overwhelmed if i go out. There doesn't seem to be any happy medium. Maybe i should get back with ZOOM events?

Today was a fantastic day! I am enjoying gaming now. It is a wonderful distraction. I hope you go see Superman tomorrow @Blue_Bird it was a really fun movie. Thanks for the game suggestion I am loving it! Also had fun with Lego Star Wars that came today.

Got a call from my guy that lasted three hours. We are watching Stargate and some Superman cartoons - he makes me feel like such a kid again - that's probably what's got me in such a good mood - all the gaming and cartoons. Also having a good time reading my Star Wars book.

Wasn't really worried about work today, as I was focusing on self-care - I think it's important that we remember to look after ourselves and enjoy things that we love - that's why I love seeing your paintings and hearing about your hobbies, it's so inspirational! I think I am going to focus on that too, that way my heartache is less when I don't hear from my guy - more about me and less about him - that's my new mantra.

So glad everything went well @Moose72 - hope you end up finding out what's wrong @Mountaindewed - @Nammu - I notice that politics can make or break a friendship - I have my own opinion but I tend to keep it to myself where friends are concerernd too.

Hope everyone has a great evening!

Both my psychiatrist appointment and the obgyn appointment went well today! For psychiatrist we're just keeping all my meds the same, with the exception of NOT officially decreasing my loxapine to 30mg because that was a disaster, and my new ob/gyn ordered a pelvic ultrasound for me to get Monday morning. She was also very nice. God, everyone was nice to me!!

My therapist took me to both appointments and said she'd take me to my ultrasound on Monday and bought me mint gum because I felt nauseous. 🤢 My psychiatrist asked me what I've been doing all summer so far and I went into total mouth diarrhea about all the concerts we've been going to (five so far! Five more to go until concert season is over for us!).

I also talked with her a bit about my frustration with being a walking pharmacy but whenever I try going off a med it ends in disaster and how my poor liver is probably SCREAMING in agony right now. But she told me I needed my meds, and that she could order blood work for my liver, etc., so we could make sure everything was okay. I had a full metabolic panel done in January though and everything came back fine (except that I'm still a little anemic, but not as bad as in January). So she was very nice about it.

A random teenager told me she liked my style while we were in the elevator at the hospital going up to the women's clinic.

It was great!

And then my husband and I had a wonderful time while our daughter was at the mall with her friend.

Oh, and my husband was EXTRA nice because he bought PURITY RING TICKETS!!!!! For their Minneapolis show. OMG! I was all hot afterwards and freaking out. I get to see Purity Ring live! I never thought that would happen! Before Sleep Token they were my obsession. They're in the middle of October. LAST concert, and then next summer we decided we're going to spend the thousands of dollars we spent on concerts this summer/fall on tattoos.

We kind of have a concert problem though, like we're addicted to them or something!

Took ages at the gp when I was waiting for the referral for the pdoc because her computer kept freezing. It was frustrating for her and eventually me. Took 50 minutes just to get a letter which could have taken 5 minutes.

Thank you! I’m sorry we both had to go through this. I’m holding onto hope the gabapentin does the trick for us!