Bipolar Check-In #92

Muddy, did I suddenly turn into you now? How come I am still a real person and not A cat or 🐶 yet? I want to become all 3 of my cats already.

How come you are still a real person at this point in your life and not a cat or any pet? Maybe even a frog. You are lucky your DNA is holding together!

How does s anyone with bipolar even consider working. No wonder we need disability even without a partner. I can’t even multitask.to spell more than I or me let alone we. I can’t focus long enough to even refresh this page on my mobile device.

@Blueberrybook

I don't know if this is going to make you feel any better, but I'm a fcking walking pharmacy too!! Don't know what to do about it. Everytime I try going off a med it doesn't work out. Last one being loxapine, and that started making me delusional and paranoid when I got down to 20mg, so I went t back up to 40mg. I can't go off that med.

I had a therapist/case manager a few years ago when I first started with the county and was actively psychotic (not manic or depressed, just psychotic) and once I got stable on haldol he told me he didn't think I'd last a week without my AP without going back into psychosis. So if I missed three days without any of my meds I'd be out of my mind.

Don't be hard on yourself.

I think it sounds like you're doing the best you can. You're still doing your household chores, taking care of your family, etc. *hugs*

Mobile devices have made me realize why quick reply at MSF exist. Without that I would not be coherent it. What? Did I just spell coherent well enough more than I understand me today?

Still checking I didn’t OD on something vital today like Trazodone, Seroquel. Or melatonin so I can sleep better…..still will have to wait a month to be sure! Or Cymbalta.

And that is not my pdoc.s view? He says the best bet to have minimal control so I can drive to see him in person by myself (no H on that day) is 1.5 weeks!

This is with what I consider a wonderful pdoc! If your treatment team sucks and you can read this, too bad by then.

You won’t even by bacteria! Maybe one atom of copper or did I mean carbon

It’s carbon, not copper! Maybe even copper not carbon!

Maybe even I am funny today you say? Be sure I don’t join comedy TV before midnight or I start all over again tomorrow?!

Oh great.

It’s still 4 hours not one minute until midnight for me here in Texas!

Why am I not on TV yet?, Not even crime stoppers TV?

Are you serious?

If you thinkthink copper might be an improvement at this point, come join me! They can put us all on crime stoppers.

No I am not in jail or a psych hospital. I haven’t received the death penalty yet!

I live in Texas you know!

I’m not homeless and still free as a bird with a family of H and 1 child!

I just took my Vraylar 4.5 and risperdal .5. Waiting for them to kick me off this rollercoaster!

I don’t think anyone needs to plan a move to Texas yet today. Just checking I don’t own a gun too.

Up anymore and I will be on the moon in outer space.. this rollercoaster ride sucks. Just dump me to the ground, that is enough.

Oh great. I just remembered what autocorrect is! Still not at any job harder than breathing. But sometimes it is not worth it.

Count your lucky stars, start up a gambling addiction too that may help!

I only just realized I have ocd too. It may or may not is in my signature.

I only just realized I have ocd too. It may or may not be in my signature. I now know the solution to ocd. Become me for one day and see what happens with my ocd?

Praying for you @Blueberrybook - hope that you get some good sleep tonight, and a better day tomorrow.

I am really proud of myself - I think that things are going to be okay. Learned today that I will be studying to be a Eucharistic Minister with the president of my Legion of Mary. We are going to learn from the priest together sometime in the Fall. This will be huge for me.

I am looking forward to a great day tomorrow. Thinking positive, and thinking clearly for once. What a difference a week makes.

I tend more to catatonia.

My mother used to purposely burn stuff in the toaster oven to set off the smoke alarm to get me out of bed when i was living with her after i lost my last computer job.

It was like restoring the Sistine Chapel when i washed her kitchen and dining room walls. Ugh the bacon grease!

Bacon grease would really FCK my ED issues. And hopefully everyone knows I mean an eating disorder not my neighbor Ed! Or my deceased great grandfather Ed.

Checking I haven't turned into theorangeone or his sidekick yet. I'm not Elon Musk or Greg Abbott or the lietenaunt (sp.?) governor of Texas yet. I don't rule the world yet or think I am the commander of the StarTrek enterprise TV show or any of its movies or spin offs. Good.

So my psychiatrist has said my TSH levels are lower than expected. Mine are 0.18. A range of 0.4-4 is considered normal. I take my thyroxine every morning. He said to see my gp so that’s where I am in 1 hour’s time. Might explain why Ive had no weight loss the last 2 weeks despite eating reasonably healthy. I’m hoping the GP will up my morning thyroxine medication.

I had the weirdest hallucination today. I saw coffee dripping down the side of the bedroom door and getting all over the carpet (this made perfect sense at the time for some reason), and I freaked out and ran into the kitchen and got some paper toweling and when I went back to the door it was gone. No coffee. Just weird. I don't usually hallucinate like that.

@Blueberrybook

I know where I'd be without psych meds... in the state mental hospital delusional and paranoid.

I just woke up in a crap ton of pain with the song "If I Die Young." Stuck in my head. I fell asleep suddenly last night I could barely finish a post I was doing.

Oh. I found my stomach pain med on my bed. That could explain things. I sometimes take my meds around 11.

I'm feeling better after taking it and eating a cup of banana pudding. Last night was just an 88 cents cup of rice pudding but it was really good.

Thank you @raspberrytorte for your kind words. I really don't want to even be me at this point, if you get the drift? I slept some (not sure how long but probably since I last posted here) and I am up at 4 AM

Between my psych issues, and owning my cat Pecan, I can hardly see straight. Starting around 1 AM, Pecan wouldn't give me a moment's peace. We have a cat flap on the bedroom door, but no one else was awake to close it, and since I never close it, I'm not up to figuring that one out. Every time I rolled into a more comfortable position, Pecan was on me like a shot. Wonderful. I went to the bathroom, and every time I tried to even shut the door, she was at the toilet which I needed or in the bathroom doorway. I tried our 2nd bathroom in the hall instead which doesn't have my morning stuff like my toothpaste, toothbrush, and deodorant. Same thing. Wonderful.

I tried to feed Pecan. She went to her dish, and I'm thinking "Great! Problem solved! I turned into theorange one overnight! Checked to see if I needed a wheelchair to start getting around the house in some peace, but well, I hadn't turned into Greg Abbot either. Oh, shoot, I can't even turn into Elon Musk and solve this problem! What if I really DO rule the world by now so I have a zillion lackeys to take care of Pecan, but I didn't have any money. Oh man! No transporter to beam myself away! Not even when the USS Enterprise can't lock in and nearly turn themselves into molecules in outer space while beaming up!" Drat! Probably because I'm a female & not male! And not a minority in the US or the town I live in (here in Texas). I know more than my first name today and even what wel my husband around the house informally. Good. Since we just had our 21st wedding anniversary & I knew him 3 years before that! Hey! I even remember the name of the very small town where I grew up & just had 109 kids in my graduating high school class since I was valedictorian there and graduated summa cum laude (remembered how to spell that possibly) from a very large university by US standards that are not Yale or Princeton or something similiar to that like John Hopkins medical facilities. I went to Texas A&M University, but that is one of the larger universities everyone in Texas knows, and only Alaska trumps Texas in size, but Texas population is much larger than Alaska. I even live 20 min. from Houston, a city all people in the US may have heard at this point. Maybe people outside the US have even heard of Houston, Texas!

I tried feeding my cats Licorice and Midnight. Pecan stayed underfoot! Good grief already, she nearly tripped me. I cleaned our 3 litter boxes. I threw the used litter away. OK, wonderful! I'm getting my chores done one by one. But nope, by that point Midnight wanted treats. So did Pecan and Licorice. I'm nearly awake at this point.

I refilled my water and got ice for it. Opened the door to change the outside water. Licorice wanted out & so did Pecan...but we try to keep Pecan inside since we got her before she turned 1 yr. old, and she didn't seem to want to go outside again b/c she had been a stray out there and would have died within a week if she didn't go to the vet and get spayed because they found she needed more work than a spay and rabies shot. We're just not sure Pecan has enough street smarts to cross the road like Midnight or Licorice because of that.

So...I get Pecan inside, right? Finally! Nope! just took out trash, and Pecan had used 2 of 3 litter boxes! WTF? by this point I'm thinking I'm awake. If I just make H's work lunch, I'll be done with all my normal morning chores now except laundry.

Sorry for yesterday and this saga. I hope you may find a bit of humor in the above story about Pecan and my other 2 cats and I haven't turned into all 3 of them overnight either! Maybe I can last long enough to do better than yesterday and reply to more posts. Hopefully!

Have a great Wednesday! I think it is Wednesday in the US at least?

The one blessing is Pecan is a gray cat and quite overweight because she eats the other cats' food before I even turn around, so I definitely can tell her in the dark outside because Licorice & Midnight are solid black cats.

My early morning, oh, for goodness sakes!

I do love Pecan with all my heart because she is our cuddliest cat.

H's work lunch is packed & ready to go. All the critical morning chores are now done!

I am taking my shower ASAP now!

Mania can if good if you can channel it correctly! No exercise today not even pilates; I am too tired still. And can't focus enough to walk around the block once, which is 0.5 miles.

Maybe I am heading towards hypomania & not fullblown!

I can even get into the bathroom to shower before H & my daughter in the bathroom we like the most in the hallway, not the master bedroom. It's not even 6 AM yet!

I'm definitely sorry for any TMI posts yet...if I reveal too much personal info, please, please message me! On this forum, my name is blueberry, but I don't want to posts: my real names (especially last, maiden, married, my FB name, my hometown, the town I live in, though the towns I could have mentioned or had on my handle. Houston, TX is OK with over a million people in it. The greater Houston area (including all the suburbs & even smaller towns is over 7 million people, so that is really fine). But the greater Houston area is easier to drive (both by planning for the distance. So much easier to drive than around Dallas where my sister lives with a larger population. So I am glad I live here even if I still have to live in TX due to H's job. It is sometimes the 1st largest or 2nd largest city in TX (Dallas sometimes switches with Houston). Houston, TX is the 4th largest city in the United States. Houston's greater area population is even larger than the capitol (sp?) of Texas which is Austin, TX.

And I don't know why Licorice is really meowing at me this morning! Why are cats so silly? It's humorous (spelling I did spell that one wrong! I think.) in hindsight, but if I can't find humor in my posts right now, even the screwed up posts, I will start crying and won't be able to stop. Isn't rapid cycling fun! I hate rapid cycling and mixed and depression & mania! And I really hate bipolar so much! I hope I will stop being forgetful. How forgetful & speeded up & lack of sleep & no meds and up, up for 3 days make you? I really would like to know because I hate this even if I am getting a lot done. I feel like I walked around my 0.5 mile block 40 times already, I am so hungry! I will start laundry, make coffee & drink the coffee, eat & use the SAD lamp pronto now. I am starving hungry.

Good morning. Heading to my primary care doctor today to get my yearly physical and review my bloodwork.

Gotta help my neighbor order her groceries later today. Other than that not up to much. I rescheduled some appointments and moved some stuff around so I’m less overwhelmed

Got up around 4am and just stayed up cause I was worried I’d oversleep if I went back to sleep and miss my appointment.

idk, last night I thought I was 10 different people and cutting my limbs/head off so... maybe.