Bipolar Check-In #92

Blueberry it might be good to let her get some experience driving on a wet road with you before she’s on her own. You can emphasize the dangers and the need to go slow. Hydroplaning is real.

Therapy went well. We talked about the cycle of avoidance and how that works and about my somewhat agoraphobic tendencies. She said to keep a sensation journal. Like write down what I’m feeling and what activity is going on during that time and keep writing things down like that. We updated my treatment plan goals since I achieved two of them and am working on the other one, exposing myself to more anxiety inducing situations and sitting with the feelings rather than avoiding them. I have such a hard time with leaving my apartment. Like I go to things I have to do like to the pharmacy or store or appointments or my volunteer job I’m pretty much entirely inside. And when I do go out I get severe anxiety and panic attacks so it’s always a huge ordeal and I come home exhausted mentally.

Like I’ll be anxious about getting on the bus cause it’s crowded then I’ll be on the bus having a panic attack because I’m worried I’ll have a panic attack. So I’m basically panicking over the thought of having a panic attack. It’s ridiculous.

I went to bingo today and it went well. I won a mop.

I’m gonna push myself to go to the library tomorrow and try to spend an hour there reading just to work on exposure to anxiety.

Tonight I start the increased dose of Lamictal. So am at the target dose of 200 mg now. A little nervous about it. I’m sure it’ll be fine but I’m also sure I’ll be anxious about it for a couple days because that’s just how I am about med changes.

Doctor said "nothing that needs immediate attention. We'll discuss the results at the next appointment" which is 3 months away.

**** that I went and ordered customed arch support insoles and I'm getting a compression knee thing from Walgreens.

Therapy went fine. We just talked about what went on this week. I said I forgot to take my meds and she said "I wonder if I remembered to take mine."

I could use my music right now. My headphoes should be here soon.

Gemini AI kinda made me sound cool instead of a weenie. It said "this is a picture of a man wearing an orange beanie and a gray hooodied sweatshirt. He has a earbud in his left ear and has a netural look on his face."

I’m so so happy that I slept in till 5:30am! I didn’t wake up at 3:00am. It’s a miracle! I’ve had a week of getting out of bed at 3:00am and it’s been painful. My son actually woke me up. Reckon I would have slept in longer lol.

Oh happy Saturday for me. It’s my chill day.

I had a ton of trouble getting to sleep. I forgot to take my morning meds until 9:30 pm so I’m sure they interrupted my night meds. My morning meds are strong stomach meds meant to keep me from spasming and vomiting. It’s essential I take them, best in the morning. Made sure I remembered this morning!

So I didn’t get up until after 11am. Was dislocated and discombobulated for hours this morning. Finally got myself together to drive to the pharmacy. Got back and played 10,000 for a while.

@Nammu - My daughter drove today and thankfully all went well. You're right in that she needs exposure driving on wet roads before getting her license; only I think my desire is that she get this exposure with H in the passenger seat and not me! I am so thankful she has finally gotten the hang of stopping at traffic lights and not slamming on the brakes the last second before nearly hitting the car in front of her! That makes riding with easier on my anxiety. I'm sorry you messed up with your meds. My stomach med is the same, I'm supposed to take it first thing, before breakfast even. I hope you sleep better tonight.

@Blue_Bird - I'm sorry you panic about the possibility of having a panic attack before it even happens. That has to be hard Exposure therapy is a great idea, and I have found reading in the library a very low-stress way of getting out there. Hopefully your increased Lamictal dose goes well. I take 200 mg twice a day and it's definitely helped with my mood stability along with my peripheral neuropathy (go figure).

@Crazy Hitch - Do you think you slept better knowing you don't have to teach that awful class for awhile?

Absolutely 😊. It’s a huge weight off my shoulders!

Gee, it seems like several of us are on strong stomach meds. Is there a correlation between psych meds or being bipolar? Maybe I should ask the Mayo Clinic to add that to their study?

I've had stomach issues my whole life that were just dismissed as anxiety. It wasn't until they became more then just a stomach ache that they found the malrotated intestines.

My guess is they always gave me somewhat of a trouble but didn't become a legit issue until my surgery in 2021.

Saw N3 and gf at sb for 2 hours- including a little jaunt into a craft store. Hanging out with my friend at her place tomorrow while she starts getting ready to move to her new apartment. She’s letting me do my laundry at her current place. Saves me $! I just ate dinner. Meds in 45 minutes. Then chatting with Caleb. Need to put gas in my car at some point. I was able to get cat food for $ off- the pet store is having a cat month and you get 5x “points” good for $ off your next purchase. I had some I redeemed today and got points for next time. So Ariel’s all set for weight loss food and litter.

I take two meds for acid reflux. Hmmm…,.

Still no headphones. I got my knee compression sleeve though and it works pretty well. My OTC spendable card paid for it. I was able to do laundry and some cleaning up without too much of an issue.

Now they are out for delivery and my melatonin won't work without them.

My therapist gets it.

I too take stomach meds. We have most neuro receptors in our tummy and anxiety disrupts this.
I take Colestipol and voquenza. I also take bentyl and Sucralfate prn

Forks.
I just felt like sayjng that. I think I'm off my rocker from this knee issue
My headphones came. I can hear my heartbeat in them. Either they are really sick headphones for $14 or something in me isnt right
My urine is dark and my lips are chapped and my eyes are kinda dry. But I can't keep anyrhing down
I only took 10mg of Melatonin and non PM OTC meds

I wonder doctors take me serioisly for the most part because I don't ask for pain meds. I ask my pdoc all kinds of **** though.

Today has gone okay, but I'm kind of shutting down at the moment. I continue to have some SI some days and all this anxiety I'm having is kind of fueling it (only mildly). At night, I have a lot of anxiety that is overwhelming ever since this scary thing happened at my apartment complex the other night. It has only been a few nights so it makes sense that I'm still anxious, but it's still not fun and is hard to deal with. I hope I'll be able to feel safe at my apartment complex sooner than later since I have a lot of time on my lease left. There are some other things making me anxious too so it's just overwhelming me a little more than usual tonight. I might take a prn of seroquel again.

The only stomach med I take is prn zofran, and that's for period related nausea.

I'm on Protonix now. Depending on the biopsy results from my scope I may be on something else soon. I also take IbGard which helps my stomach a bit. I can't take most nausea meds. I wish I could, especially now that we know reflux is not the primary problem.

I have a feeling I will pass tonight. I am in pain and I can't keep anything down. It will happen peacefully. I can already see some people who have gone.

Very slowly (VERY slowly!) my brain is starting to wake up again and I'm not having as much mental fatigue. These past three nights I've actually gotten some novel planning done, to much success. So that's good. Maybe I really did just need a break, like my therapist said.

I made an appointment for Monday to see my piercer because there is something seriously WRONG with my lip piercing. The outside of it hurts and is red and the inside is all mangled, and I have NO idea how I could have possibly gotten an infection because I mouthwash myself like twenty times a day because of my healing monroe piercing! I'm getting a new jewel for it in the process. For now I'm treating it like a healing piercing.

@Mountaindewed

Are you okay?!

Thanks for all the wonderful advice guys - @raspberrytrote I started a loving voicemails thread which is kind of like affirmations, like sending love notes to myself. I think it's helping. @Blueberrybook - I love your cake! I will also look into taking the Seroquel again if I can't handle these ups and downs. @Blue_Bird - so glad your rock painting class went so well! @June08 - I hope you feel better soon - I will be praying that you feel safe in your complex soon

I had such a crazy day at GalaxyCon - of course William Shatner showed up whenver he felt like it causing me to stand in line from 10am to 12pm, get told he won't be there till later, then get on line from 3:30pm to 5:30pm so I could FINALLY get his autograph. It was really annoying that I didn't get to enjoy the convention because I was too busy waiting on line - I had lunch with my friends there, and they were planning their day, and I felt so bad. I made the best of it though, Sid Krofft was there, and he was such a pleasure to talk to - I spent a lot of time at his booth remincinng about Land of the Lost and all his cool shows. He even offered to call my guy in California, and he spoke to him from my phone! He even offered to talk to my best friend too from NY because I told him how much he likes him too - but my friend was in the shower when I gave Sid the phone, oh well. But it was SO nice to meet a celebrity who loves his fans so much, it made up for the day. I also met Billy Zane who was really nice - he talked to me for a while too. I had him sign "The Phantom" picture because I would rather not him sign a Titanic one - lol I'd rather not him sign as a jerk character he played.

Everything was great except I had to cancel all my plans for tomorrow, including writing time with my bestie. Also had to cancel going to my friend's new baby's baptism. I think I am coming down with a nasty virus. I feel awful right now. I am not used to being around so many people, and there were SO many people there. I was also in the line for hours and really close to a bunch of people.

Here are some pics - I wore my She-Ra Princess of Power shirt - a lot of people liked it : ) Hope everyone has a great Saturday!

That sounds like psychosis

I’m sick of being “compliant” with meds and therapy. Frustrated with life today. I’m in a “screw it” mood tonight.

The opposite could be worse. No meds no therapy. Could lead to disaster.

Yep. I got up at 2am. My mental exhaustion is definitely overwith. I was a moron and took four caffeine pills and now I'm laying down, trying NOT to puke. Damn you caffeine pills! Never again!

I turn 43 on August 12th. I'm so upset about it. 😭 I was writing in my journal about it. I'm not ready to be an old lady! I'm going through old woman puberty right now! At least, that's what I think of perimenopause as. This sucks. I used to look forward to my birthday because I'd make myself a cake and make my goals for the year, but now I just think of my birthday as one year closer to my death (not to be morbid or anything, but it's true!).

As soon as I STOP feeling like I'm going to puke I'm going to do some novel planning. I just don't want to risk movement right now because I hate puking.

I took half a seroquel a bit ago and was hoping it would make me tired, but it's not working. Oh damn. I just realized I have both dramamine and zofran. I don't want to take a zofran because it makes me feel weird (sorry. Best way to describe it. I get like a zofran hangover), so I'll probably take a dramamine.

Except that requires movement!

Ah man.

I had a dream last night about snuggling on a couch with my penpal of 20 years whom I’ve never met. We really need to meet as he’s 71 and I’m 53. I never dream about him. It was very nice.