Sometimes I worry

That maybe I have upset people. I don't go out of my way to upset people. My opinions may be strong, but everyones opinions count right? Sometimes I'm afraid to say something, something that I believe to be wrong just because some people may hold it against me or not like me for it. It's confusing, is this my illness or is it the fear of not being liked? Or is THAT part of being borderline . I'm struggling a bit right now as I've had no therapy for two weeks, usually I ask my therapist these questions .... to keep me going .... I don't want to use my issues as a scapegoat, I just feel really confused. Sometimes people can seem so caring on the outside, say caring things but underneath there is an underlying hypocricy (sp) and that worries me too ... I suppose it comes down to trust? I feel if I don't say anything then my opinion doesn't count? sigh ... sorry to ramble .... one of those 'puzzling' days I think, Ophelia

(((Ophelia)))

I don't know if fear of upsetting others falls under BPD. I feel pretty much the same as you though.

I have to go now ~ just needed to send you a fast hug & nod in understanding. I am right there too!

Shez

Could you be more specific about exactly who says caring things on the outside..yet inside has hypocrisy? I have found this too...sometimes it is my illness that makes me ditrustful...sometimes, the general public IS hypocritical..just saying these things to say the 'right' thing w/o meaning it.....

This hurts me, too..

But I do not have close family so tend to confide in many from my church..(((church))

May be different for you...is this family that is hypocritical?

Thank you for reading June, people in general I think. Sometimes I worry, I don't want to hurt anyone, yet sometimes I do hurt but never on purpose, I try to please too many people and I know you can't do that. Yes there are members of mine and my husbands family who 'have hearts of gold' then they just go right on and hurt or trigger me, then there are some who maybe I have hurt in the past (through being triggered, not handling things too well) and they just won't give me a second chance ....

I just wish sometimes I wasn't so worried about what others think ... I worry too much, my issues I guess .... sorry to rant on. Thanks for listening, K xx I think lack of therapy over the last couple of weeks is taking its toll to be honest ... K xx

Ophelia... we are in a time of healing for ourselves and of that which we are surrounded with.. we feel neglected, misunderstood, not heard, ignored, and it hurts... at night we dream of the fight, we imagine the hurts even while we dream, we are aware and the fight goes on, day after day... we are part of the cure, we are part of the problem.. misunderstandings within ourselves limit our abilities to do the most good against what plagues us.. sometimes we corner ourselves into positions of self defense and all the while we are defending ourselves, others and the nightmare terrors of what 'they' can do to us come haunting, leaving us tired, stressed, underfed, emotionally undernourished....

the best we can do is take care of ourselves first... i was like you and found it hard to be anywhere in public some days... i imagined all the horrible things that others must be thinking about me.. they didnt have to say a thing, i'd already done as good a job of tearing myself down as they could have, and even better.... then one day i decided i was just getting worse and worse in my own mind and no one had ever said a thing to me.. i'd imagined it all in my own little brain (not saying your brain is little)

i chose instead to imagine what those people probably really were thinking... maybe about what they should have for dinner tonight, maybe that Jr. is sick and needs his medication, maybe that the rent needs to be paid.. maybe a lot of things, but the point is, probably nothing that had anything to do with me!

in time i began to change what i thought they thought in my own mind.. i began to think that maybe they were thinking about Uncle Al and what a great guy he is, maybe about Ralph the dog and how funny and loving he is... maybe that they had seen me and instead of thinking 'what a creep' they thought 'hey, there's a guy, hope he's ok'... and i started smiling at them... i wanted them to know i wasnt having any creepy thoughts about them, that i didnt think they were selfish losers, that i thought they were good people and i was thankful for them...

it takes awhile to retrain the mind and it needs to be practiced everyday but in time, i feel a whole lot better now.... hope this can help you in some small way

(((((((nowheretorun)))))thank you for taking the time to reply. I have come a long way, I'm just missing therapy right now to be honest, my husband has had cancer and I've not been able to make the appointments. I don't look at others and thind sad losers or whatever, I don't do that, I don't even think they're looking at me and thinking 'freak' - it's not about anything like that to be honest. I've never even thought those thoughts, my issue here is about being ignored emotionally by family and friends. This thread is generally about me saying or doing things that may hurt others unintentionally .... I have opinions and would like to express them, this is where therapy is helping me, to be able to do that, but right now I'm finding that tough in case I hurt someones feelings .... it's about being liked, and yes I am learning to love myself, care for myself ... but it's hard when being ignored.

How does that work for you? I mean, what is the process when this happens?
Is this something you are checking out with the person you think you have upset? Or is the person being upset something you decide is true in your mind/thinking?

Fear of another's anger being directed at us can take an interesting course.

Since we can't know what another is thinking or feeling unless they use their own words to describe their thoughts and feelings, we can't know if they are or are not angry. Thinking we can know without them telling us is magical thinking.
Since we can't know what we don't know, since we can't possibly know what another person is thinking or feeling (just as they can't know what we are thinking or feeling) without words, then we are free to let go the worry Because the worry is an attempt to know what we can't know, to control what we can't control.

Hello Echoes, well, if I think I have said something which will upset someone, I think they will not like me any more. I have a morbid fear of rejection which is MY issue I know, MY insecurity. I guess I just need everyone to like me and I know that's impossible, therefore because I am quite opinionated I'm scared I have done someting wrong and they will not speak to me or aknowledge me ... sometimes I want to voice my opinion but worry that it will upset others, I panic, i cave in, and i go into anxiety mode .... I have to say that this is weird because I've been so good for the best part of a year. The only thing I can think of is we've been through a lot, my family and I over the last three weeks. I've suffered with mild agraphobia, now all of a sudden I'm having to MAKE myself do things because my hubby is incapacitated ... I have missed therapy twice now and that is a big no no for me as my T keeps me grounded and helps me so much. In the end this going out by myself and doing normal everyday things is doing me good, but I'm suffering in other ways like paranoia, tearfulness, anxiety and flashbacks and dreams ... yet I'm still ok I'm not falling to peices, just struggling a bit ... wow I've ranted, sorry .... ((((((Echoes)))))Did this make sense????

Hi sweet,

The world is filled with hypocrisy.......I am sure I have been guilty of it myself

Others actions may impact on you, but do not define you.

You are great just the way you are.....

Be a little kinder to self.......we are often our own biggest critics.....

Give yourself a big old hug......and smile even if you don't feel like it.

Your opinions, feelings and experince are always valued here.....you can count on that.

May your day move with stillness.......and big hugs

Michah

Does this happen? If so, what happens after?
If you noticed someone not speaking to you or acknowledging you... could you speak directly to them "It seems as if you are avoiding me and I'm wondering if you are angry with me?"

You see, I suspect that others do like you and that for one, the worry creates a willingness in you to imagine someone is angry with you or not liking you when that may not be happening at all.. and two, realizing that if someone avoids us or is angry with us--that is about them, that is about their feelings/perceptions/response to experience and by directly bringing this from inaction (avoidance) to action (words) you open up the opportunity to change; the opportunity to clarify, clear up misconceptions, for each party to have say what they are experiencing (as all experiences are individual).

Does this make sense?

I am often very amazed that what I thought was going on, was not going on at all..except in my own mind.
Learning to 'test' my perceptions with reality has given me another way of responding to what I perceive to be happening. It was not easy at first but my therapist, in the course of talking about 'anything and everything' has helped me and helps me see when I am responding without testing. She also helped me another way, by accepting my declarations of another person being mad at me (without my checking it out) and following that thought to 'what then': Okay, so this person is mad at me.. what does that mean to me, what are my worries about that, what do I think will happen next or as a result of that, and is my worry about the other being angry with me a kind of self-protection....

So much to explore

((((((Echoes))))) Thank you for this, everything you said here makes perfect sense It's happened to me such a lot, this assuming people are mad at me, or don't like me because I have done this or that ... then only to find it was all in my head ... why do I never learn though? I'm getting better, with therapy - but still my silly head believes that x,y z doesn't like me and that hurts. I know it's my insecurities that make me want to be liked by everyone and I know that to be liked by everyone is completely impossible .

Sometimes I can go to that person and talk to them, ask them if I have upset them, and 9 times out of 10 they have had issues themselves, I think on my part it can be all about ME too much and I don't mean to do that either ... sigh. One day I will be at total peace with myself and learn that the world doesn't revolve around my issues Thank you so much for talking to me, I respect your wisdom, you always make so much sense Echoes

Perhaps the world SHOULD revolve a bit more about your 'issues' rather SPEAKING UP, what kinds of opinions are leaving unexpressed, exactly? Do you have a voice, a viewpoint, that needs to be expressed and HEARD? What are some things you would like to say, but do not?

I have recently began speaking up and it is beautiful the results I see, they are tangible, making me strong...

(((opheliasorrow)))

We are so fortunate to know that things happen only in our heads sometimes. Those who don't realize that are stuck. We are working on it and it is just a temporary place.

How is Tony doing now that he's home? I hope he's feeling better and that having him home is making you feel better too!

I'm glad he is doing well.
I had major abdominal surgery a few years ago and it takes the gut a while to recover, and then might not be quite the same.
I think you are very kind to be taking such good care of him now when things are so uncertain between you two. I hope your good talk is helpful to you both

Life throows me out of sinc sometimes ... like I say I do worry about others, if I've done something to cause hurt. Well, I've had an opinion this week which differed from anothers, we're all allowed opinions right? If we care about one another we respect each others opinions? Is that the way it should be? I'm trying so hard to be a good person. If I worry that something is doing harm I will try to do something about it. So I did. Then because another disagreed with my opinion and what I did it seemed to me that that person was not pleased and (this may be in my head) did something to make me feel sad .... if you care about others why would you want to make them sad? It is the way of the world that people will not always agree with each other, but that is no excuse to be spiteful .... I'm struggling with this issue, because I don't like to think that this person thinks I'm being personal. I'm sorry if this makes no sense, I do have a way of complicating what I'm trying to say ..... Ophelia.

It is because of separateness.
Separateness means we are all separate, even when connected.
It means we would naturally have our own separate opinions (and thoughts, concerns, desires, wishes, goals, etc). Separateness just is. Connections with others doesn't negate separateness. It can't, because separateness just is.

Others who don't get separateness, may think that their thoughts should be our thoughts, and when we don't respond to their thoughts (because we have our own thoughts), they may label that in some way (wrong, stubborn, selfish...).

They may get angry with us but it's pretty silly to get angry because another person is separate, with their own thoughts. They may get frustrated too, and their frustration comes from their thinking that we should respond to their thoughts, that they can't control that; this frustration is about them, their inability to understand.. separateness.

Separateness is something I work on a lot, and I try to keep it in my awareness to learn more about how it works with me and with others.

I honor your separateness and your opinion

Guilt is a avery big part of my life .... maybe this is in the wrong place but I believe it's part of my healing so .... Always the guilty one, even if others are at fault also ... I take it all on board. Well I've been hurt too ya know? I wish people wouldn't lay THEIR issues on ME ..... rant over, sorry PC is here for everyone right?

I've learned in therapy that Borderline's often struggle w/ feelings of invalidation, b/c we were told that our opinions, thoughts & feelings were "wrong" or "imagined" during childhood. A lot of times, our thinking makes us feel "crazy", b/c we were made to distrust our own judgments (esp. by parents & family members who abused us, bullied us, turned situations around to save themselves). This is what makes confrontation so scary. And it's no wonder that we have trouble establishing boundaries w/ others, b/c they were trampled on all over us by our families, so we never learned the healthy way to set them, which made us feel like we weren't deserving enough to stand up for ourselves or like we were wrong to do it. I recently read a compilation of traits which a member posted for us, & learned that, oftentimes, a Borderline will go out of their way to please people, esp. on the job, only to internalize their resentment when they feel unappreciated, & suddenly storm out & quit. I've done that many times. It isn't surprising that some of us do that, after being raised in such dysfunctional environments. (((Opheliasorrow))) I can certainly relate to your reactions, & you aren't crazy.

Thank you sweetie so much for understanding. I think that day I was at the end of my tether .... yes I can relate to EVERYTHING you just said about how I was treated as a child ... but I am getting better slowly. ((((psyched))))) I saw my mum today and I just don't let her get to me anymore, and I don't know whether it's because she has realised that and stopped trying or I just realise they are HER issues .... my husband pointed something out today when I said I had felt sorry for her .... (because she is full of cold and looked little and old today) he said she has grown old and lonely through her own actions .... but I still feel sad actually for that fact gosh I've totally gone off topic sorry ..... it's just she was an abuser emotionally which reminded me .... thank you for replying O xxx

Way to go Ophelia! It feels so good when we can do that!