[Trippin2.0]

I'll never be picture perfect. But I can always work on getting a nice frame...

The thought of therapy is SERIOUSLY off-putting. Only went to deal with a crisis or few. Maybe should look into DBT, but without insurance I'd have to go via state, and if I find employment, I'd have to quit. Argh. I'm so sad and I can't even cry... I can't let myself. I'm so ALONE.

I know what you mean. I hate therapy, and swore I wouldn't go back because I NEVER have good experiences with it, it makes me feel bad, and it's expensive. But now I've become desperate and realized that things are getting worse in some ways, not better. I feel like I need help - if only I could find some. :/ (I've tried contacting several therapists, but with no response).

It's awful that you're in such a tight spot. I wish I could help, or at least hug you. I feel pretty alone right now, too. I'd be glad to talk with you, if you'd like.

[Trippin2.0]

Thank you so much for responding. Nobody IRL knows the truth, it's just mask after mask, layer after layer of make-up. I can't let them in...

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Thank you so much for responding. Nobody IRL knows the truth, it's just mask after mask, layer after layer of make-up. I can't let them in...

You're very welcome. I also have many masks. It gets very exhausting having to wear all those masks and to keep yourself so rigidly bound just so you don't give yourself away and alienate or scare people. With no one IRL knowing...that's a huge burden for you to carry. I'm lucky enough to have one person IRL that is somewhat 'okay' with me. I wish someone immediately accessible were there for you, but maybe online is of some help, even while not being optimal?

Letting people in is so hard, isn't it? Positively dangerous for us when they can wreak such destruction inside of us without even having a clue.

[Trippin2.0]

Exactly! Exactly!
And it's not that I can't trust them, or idk,maybe I can't. It's not even such a big deal, like earthshattering or anything.

I can't admit that the end of my relationship is tearing me apart... Not even to me, I refuse to cry.

It's just getting very heavy over here... My friends I see daily think I wanted it to end, some of my family and friends (who I don't see often) thinks we're madly inlove... I just can't deal,not right now, and Idk why I can't just be honest to everyone, including myself

I think/believe he realised he can't fix me, and now he's hiding in his man cave. 1 day he texts saying he misses me, he wants to see me. The next day, silence. It's over for real this time, I know it and I just HAVE to be ok with it...

It's a big deal to you, isn't it? That matters and is valid, even if other people can't understand your feelings or reactions.

Oh god, I can see why. If you acknowledge a loss like that to yourself, then it has to be real. And if it's real, then you have to accept it and feel it. And if you do that, how do you cope? I don't know about you, but even losing close friends is horrible for me. I can't bear the loss/rejection/dying of that world. I cannot let go when I love people.

I can imagine the amount of weight you must be under, the pressure. Being honest about your feelings, especially with other people, is so hard. (Even with yourself.) I know I'm always trying to 'tailor' what I express to people, even down to how I feel, because I have trouble bearing the possible censure/criticism/disapproval, especially from people I care about. Is that the case with your situation? And also that people just won't understand and you'll feel even more alone? I often end up feeling like a freak when I try to explain my feelings to people.

Oh, my dear. I wish he could accept that for you. People get so upset when their presence and caring can't magically fix you or make you act the way they want. I also wish he could be more consistent and tell you clearly what he thinks, feels, and intends. That has got to be upsetting for you.

It's impossible to be okay with it, but I know just what you mean. But it doesn't work that way for us. The end of any meaningful relationship is a nightmare, and severely destabilizing. (I had a close friend of several years go suddenly silent on me last year. She refuses to answer me. It has now been a year, but I'm still agonizing and crying over it. No happy mediums. :/)

I don't mean to speak for you at any point. I just really relate. So please don't hesitate to correct me!

[Trippin2.0]

No correction required, you're absolutely correct. I keep telling myself it's ok that he doesn't want me, but I think I might be lying to myself!

I wish it could really be okay when people didn't want us. I want you around, though.

Well, it's a shame if things do end up being exactly as you fear, because I'm sure you're well worth any turbulence. There are definitely a lot of people who are unequipped to deal with certain issues, however. I keep trying to tell myself that it's okay if people can't stand being around me and that I should understand if it's too hard. But some part of me still feels so bad.

[Trippin2.0]

That's it! I feel bad that I'm umanageable, I know logically that it's better for him to leave, that I'm EXTREEMELY difficult to wrap his head around. I want him to be happy. But no amount of saying I'm ok with it makes me ok. My friends would never get it, to them I'm normal, just a bit volatile. They don't understand that he's the victim of my delusions and distorted thinking coz they never witness it.
Really feels good that you understand

"Unmanageable" - yes, that's definitely it. I sometimes say people can't "handle" me. LOL, I feel like an animal sometimes. I'm not trying to drive them crazy or make them physically ill with stress, I'm just trying to stabilize myself. >_>; I can't think or keep things under control otherwise.

Right, the people we love the most, the people closest to us, are the ones who get the brunt of it. Unfortunately, they feel that we must hate them because of that, and there's no way to explain that you're causing them such issues BECAUSE you love them.

Aww, I'm glad. It feels good talking to you, too. Talking to you makes me realize just how much I'm holding my breath with some other people.

Here's a question for you - if someone can successfully ride out and reassure you through the delusions, distorted thinking, etc, does it start to manifest less severely? Or has no one has ever made it that far? I can calm down somewhat if someone can do that for me - if they can make me feel safe - but it never really goes away. I'm just more able to coach myself through it instead of having it bursting out all the time.

[Trippin2.0]

Strange thing is, it didn't really manifest with my x. Idk, maybe we weren't THAT close for him to have that effect on me. But with this guy, man it's scary, for both of us. And idk bout the reassurance thing. He always just felt attacked,dissapeared to lick his wounds, and then reappear some time later.
I'm convinced it would help, coz atleast I'd have verbal proof that my brain's lying, but no such luck.

Maybe not - people I'm not close to find it inconceivable that I'm anything more than "quirky". It's clear that they can't imagine. The people I care about are always the ones who see everything I've got to offer, LOL. But you're right. When you're deeply emotionally involved with someone...SOMEBODY is going to get seriously hurt, no question. It's terrifying, but also invigorating. I only really feel alive like that, sadly. Near the edge, I guess.

I think it would definitely help. Honestly, before I met the partner that may be ditching me, I was a wreck. I was this mad, paranoid, suicidal, enraged time bomb, basically. But this person finally gave me a safe place, allowed me to really be myself, all the mess and everything. Though there were lots of rocky times, there was also that consistency and feeling of acceptance, of security. I have never, NEVER had that before. It gave me the chance to start trying to do something about myself. It gave me the chance to SEE myself through the eyes of someone I could trust. Without a doubt, I am better off now than I was when we first met. But...would it all be undone if I was abandoned by the very person who showed me what it was to feel safe?

I can't even contemplate it. It's an absolutely horrifying thought. Even trying to talk about it the other day (to someone in person) had me almost in tears, and my ability to cry is usually so suppressed that I can only cry when I'm alone or around someone I trust. I feel like I'll just come apart if that happens. I've lost so many people, but never someone like this. Sometimes I just feel like everything is so, so useless.

[Trippin2.0]

Useless is the correct adjective. That's how it feels,cos if he who was my best friend since HS can't put up with me, who can?
I always knew I'd end up alone. Even as a teenager, I never set my sights on marriage and happily ever after. I just knew, even without any bf experience, that I'd be way too much effort. I didn't even have any intention of marrying my daughter's dad. Not cos he was a sh!tty bf (and he WAS) but bcoz it didn't appeal to me,even when we were talking marriage. But then he came back into my life and gave me hope, and he didn't even mean to. Even seeing him for the 1st time in 5yrs, I just knew we still loved eachother. But it was never in the cards.Now the thought of being alone is gut wrenching. I'm REALLY glad that you've found someone you feel safe with. I wish you guys the best of luck and a lifetime of love and happiness