[Wednesday's Child]

Morning all...wonderful rainy day here in Oz & I'm feeling sorta kinda pumped..sorta. All subject to change without notice... Have a groovy day everyone in PC land..

I feel like I'm not real.

[clash]

feeling sad today but i don't know why really

[greentires4me]

I had a good day until I meet with my new mental health workers which have just caused me to deescalate in my emotions and not get out of this hole I am in I am am emotional wreck

[greyclouds]

Still not in a good place... Hope I'm not on the start of getting really sick again.

I have work in a mo. and my heart is beating thro my chest. I'm hoping work will bring back into the real world.

All I want to do is getting to bed and cry myself to sleep.

My daughters are arriving from Florida this evening. Looking really forward to seeing them. I just hope I can keep it together so I can enjoy their time here as well as show them a good time. Is it wrong to be missing them and regretting their leaving when they haven't even arrived yet?

Originally Posted by Maranara

My daughters are arriving from Florida this evening. Looking really forward to seeing them. I just hope I can keep it together so I can enjoy their time here as well as show them a good time. Is it wrong to be missing them and regretting their leaving when they haven't even arrived yet?

You can do it. I'm sure you'll handle it fine, just be prepared and it sounds like you already are and you'll be ok.

is it wrong? Feelings aren't ever wrong, they just are. I know I tend to project and have feelings for things that haven't even occurred yet, I think it's natural. You know the time with them will be be temporary and brief. In a situation like that i know I would feel the same way.

well I had a heck of a last couple days, haha.

not really. but was interesting. went to crochet group yesterday afternoon and guess who I saw! a guy i used to reeeeeaally have a crush on. you could easily say he was my first true love. we never dated, but we have similar souls. probably too similar, hence never more than friendly acquaintances, but i knew so much...

whatever. anyway, i saw him and he has gained weight since high school. which makes me feel sooo much better, because he was model material back then (not EVEN kidding) and even he gained weight, and he doesn't even have kids that i know of! if he does, then he and his lady must have a babysitter because they were both there and no kids. so i feel much better about myself.

i'm going back to work soon, so after the crochet group i went to target and splurged on a couple of cute shirts for work. there's only so much you can do with khakis and a navy shirt but the ones i got were flattering. now i just need the pants.

bah...but yeah, i have been feeling pretty okay last few days.

everything will be okay. i just have to keep telling myself that. and in less than 2 weeks i get my first tattoo. i keep forgetting. sigh...

[greentires4me]

feeling rough around the edges...I had a massage today it made me feel slightly better to talk some things out with my massage therapist. But its not enough I need more people in my corner who know me not just some people who show up on the scene expecting that community resources is going to solve my problems internally. I do not feel well so push me to socialize with people I don't want to socialize with oh that makes me feel really better not. Push me to go for more walks push me to smile when I am not feeling good sorry I am not a dancing monkey I don't do that.

I just feel like hardly one I trust is in my corner...and I am fighting a loosing battle.

My anxiety is starting to kick in....yay me!

[MPD-AvPD-BPD]

Wife slept in and i managed to get to work early for a change. No so nice comming back to work on a friday, after a thursday puplic holiday...

I'm happy to see my girls and stressed out the same time. My youngest daughter has never learned volume control and every time she gets loud my skin crawls. I love my daughters very much but I can't seem to just be happy they're here. All the negative emotions are trying to come out too. Will definitely be on the roller coaster for the next week. Happy but stressed, nervous, and regretful all at the same time. I just hope I don't ruin things for them and am able to hide most of it. I'm usually good at hiding things, but I'm severely out of practice. We'll see I guess.

[MPD-AvPD-BPD]

Hmmm started with the shakes and Ticks... running through a checklist of why and what ????

Hope it's just weekend Anxiety....

[greyclouds]

I took it too far this time :,(

I'm ok this morning. Took a sleep aid last night to get to sleep earlier. Actually ended up in bed at midnight which, yes, is early for me, believe it or not. I slept all night but not completely, woke up pretty much every hour but unlike other times was able to get back to sleep. Thing is, I read that this particular sleep aid, a generic form of unisom, is supposedly strong and people said try half a pill to start, which I did. I will try a whole pill instead tonight so I can sleep through the night hopefully. Got up early, kids off to school, made it to work - today is a good day so far.

All alone and happy..

[greentires4me]

teary eyed...unsure of myself...tired...unmotivated...

feeling pretty good today. there's always that anxiety sitting in the backseat waiting for me to screw up but i've been able to keep it in check today, at least.

husband bought $200 worth of collectible cards. he doesn't know if they are worth anything but the packages just arrived today. he happened to win at an Ebay auction for them. we're hoping he can find at least a couple really good cards that we can resell for upwards of a grand, which would be nice.

meanwhile, i feel like a decent person, saw that a friend had been wanting some tickets to a show that's next week and i dunno, i up and bought them for her. i feel good because i made her feel better. St. Patty's Day would have been her youngest's 5th birthday, but she passed away a couple years ago, a couple weeks after my oldest was born. so i've kind of felt like i needed to at least be there for her, to be someone she can lean on. we live an hour away, but i'm just really glad i could help her out somehow.

also paid a lot of the bills today. and would have paid the Internet bill if it wasn't so stinking hard to pay it online! trying to sign into my account is like trying to thread a needle with your tongue. while the needle's all the way in your mouth. yeah. it's stupid.

anyway...having a decent day.

I really should of listened to my head this morning and not attended the court but No I was put under pressure and went anyway and now I feel like I want to scream, coming face to face with my brother brought back a lot of bad memories and he lied through his teeth in court

[Fuzzybear]

anxious

((( buttercup )))

i keep wanting to post but i think i'll piss people off if i post what i really want to say...

i don't trust people on here to not get angry like others before have when i have said what i want to say... so i guess i'll just keep quiet, haha.

Originally Posted by DreamAddiction37

i keep wanting to post but i think i'll piss people off if i post what i really want to say...

i don't trust people on here to not get angry like others before have when i have said what i want to say... so i guess i'll just keep quiet, haha.

LOL. Fail. you said you'd keep quiet yet... you said this :P

You're fine. NO matter where you go, or who you say things to, you risk offending or making someone mad. You can't live afraid of that. Unless you intend to piss someone off, then you've done nothing wrong even if they are offended. If they can't understand what you've said was not a personal attack on them, the so be it that's on them not you. Never let it keep you muted.

Just a little rant:

I am realizing: I felt FINE (freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional ), miserable, depressed, angry, anxious, "crazy" etc in large part due to the ignorant, condescending, living in fantasy land, N , jealous, selfish, emotionally stupid people around me that constantly invalidated my feelings and spewed out patroning platitudes like "think positive" and "you can do anything you set your mind to" and "it's just a state of mind"

They didn't accept me and love me simply as I was (god forbid, I had a feeling that was considered "negative". Then, there was the all time famous "no, it didn't happen" or "that is not true" or "you imagined it").

Once I got away from those people (errr, for the most part. the office / work / my "career" not included) and continue to work hard to reverse the destructive tapes (thanks people) in my head, I feel better (I am not just inexplicably agitated. I am: miserable, depressed, angry, anxious, feeling invalidated, taken for granted, scared, terrified, etc ).

If "Dx"d with BPD, do the people in your life, the people that surround you, no matter how big or small a circle, validate, hear you, acknowledge, ACCEPT your feelings whatever they might be and LOVE YOU - on that less than fabulous day - even when you aren't liking yourself all that much at the moment.

Tired and restless. Wish I had something to do. Wish my girlfriend would talk to me.

Doing alright. Saw my ex-friend for the first time since things went down last night and we were cool. A little weird but not unexpectedly so. Now I just miss him more, but not so much that I can't handle it. I don't want to work this weekend but eh, who wants to work on a weekend, really? So I'm fine...looking forward to Monday off.