[sweetsurrender]

I started therapy in December and diagnosed with BPD. It took 10 months for me to fully understand BPD. I started idealizing her like I have several other females in my life. I have always had attachment issues and got to attached to her and fought it. I kept pushing her and started lying to her. She has always been very kind and told me she wasn't going anywhere. I started craving the attention and affection. I finally admitted I was too attached and We had an intense session set boundaries. I was too afraid to admit to her I had lied about several things (having an abortion, abuse issues, a black eye I gave myself, sleeping around) but the other day after I quit again she said I had to seek out residential treatment or she would have to refer me. I ended up texting her telling her I had lied and she was very kind again and said "everything will be okay". I never thought I would admit that I am liar. I run from things and don't like to face them. I am still so nervous about my appointment next week. She never indicated that she thought I was telling her lies all this time though. Thoughts?

[powertools321]

Good for you, that was an extremely brave thing you did, definitely not easy. It sounds like you have a very good T who understands what this illness is all about. With that said she probably suspected that you were not being 100% truthful about things because I think a lot of people in therapy hold back even if they don't have BPD. I think we have a tendency of being worse because we crave the attention soooo much. Again, congratulations, that was a huge step.

[picklewheeze]

I can reallu relate to this. I think a lot off people lie in therapy for one reason or another and all id like to say is fair play to you for owning up to it, that takes guts.
I can also massively relate to everythig else you said. I tend to really idealise women (one at a tine) and can get really attention seeking wantig them to know everything abput me and its very hard to hold back but i think telling someone too much too soon tends to have detremental effects on relatiobships (naybe excluding t,s)

[sweetsurrender]

Originally Posted by picklewheeze

I can reallu relate to this. I think a lot off people lie in therapy for one reason or another and all id like to say is fair play to you for owning up to it, that takes guts.
I can also massively relate to everythig else you said. I tend to really idealise women (one at a tine) and can get really attention seeking wantig them to know everything abput me and its very hard to hold back but i think telling someone too much too soon tends to have detremental effects on relatiobships (naybe excluding t,s)

Thanks to you both! I really appreciate the feedback! It is hard to admit even on here, but kind of healing in a way. And it is a big relief to see some positive feedback! And feels wonderful to hear people can relate to me.
I have always idealized women to, one at a time and always over share and end up damaging. It is hard to find a healthy balance.

[shinkikker]

It's awesome that you trust her enough to admit you weren't being totally honest. She sounds like a great therapist. Good job!

Your insight impressed me. Now, that you have an understanding why you chose to be dishonest, you and your therapist can work on that. This is a good opportunity to learn and grow as a person.

Admitting your mistake shows integrity. Even though the remorse you feel is very uncomfortable, you did the right thing. I think your therapist will consider that. Anyway, lying is common in therapy. Perhaps, it can even be considered an embellishment, but that does not make it okay. My psychiatrist admitted to me most people are not completely honest with her.

When I was I teenager, I lied in therapy, too. I felt so bad, but could not admit it so I quit. Why did I lie? I was desperate for answers. Years later, I confessed and found it relieving. It helped me heal. I also vowed to never ever repeat that mistake, again.

Be honest at your appointment and just be you.

[poptart316]

Yeah, facing your mistakes/fears is a very hard thing to do, good job on being so brave. I think the more you recognize your feelings and connect your behaviors with BPD, things start to get easier and I think it makes you more confident and comfortable with yourself. Keep it up!

sweet surrender or anyone,

Sweet surrender, I am not trying to be obtuse, and can certainly understand how hard it is to admit that you have lied, but I am just wondering, why did you lie?

I'm new at trying to figure this stuff out even though I have been diagnosed with BPD since I was fifteen. I have pretty much ignored all of the diagnosis's that I have been told I have, as far as getting real help or trying to figure them out.

Everyone here seems to understand why you felt like you wanted to lie, and I am just wondering what that has to do with BPD?

If this is a question that I should not be asking, or implies idiocy on my part, please forgive me and ignore it.

I'm sorry,

-Fleeing Bellocq

[powertools321]

Originally Posted by fleeingbellocq

sweet surrender or anyone,

Sweet surrender, I am not trying to be obtuse, and can certainly understand how hard it is to admit that you have lied, but I am just wondering, why did you lie?

I'm new at trying to figure this stuff out even though I have been diagnosed with BPD since I was fifteen. I have pretty much ignored all of the diagnosis's that I have been told I have, as far as getting real help or trying to figure them out.

Everyone here seems to understand why you felt like you wanted to lie, and I am just wondering what that has to do with BPD?

If this is a question that I should not be asking, or implies idiocy on my part, please forgive me and ignore it.

I'm sorry,

-Fleeing Bellocq

First off there is no "idiocy" on your part. Stop thinking that way, we put ourselves down way too much! BPD and lying, good question. I would have to say because to a certain extent it has become a way of life. What I mean by that is when you hear people talk about being chameleons and changing into what ever they think will win them the most approval is a lie. A lot of people with BPD will also present with additional "symptoms" that they really don't have to feel like they need more attention than others. (probably upset some people there, but it's true) It can even be as basic as how many times have you down played how bad you really feel. Being honest, really honest, opens you up to rejection and hurt, something that is scary as hell for most people, but can truly be a horrifying thought to someone with BPD.

Originally Posted by powertools321

First off there is no "idiocy" on your part. Stop thinking that way, we put ourselves down way too much! BPD and lying, good question. I would have to say because to a certain extent it has become a way of life. What I mean by that is when you hear people talk about being chameleons and changing into what ever they think will win them the most approval is a lie. A lot of people with BPD will also present with additional "symptoms" that they really don't have to feel like they need more attention than others. (probably upset some people there, but it's true) It can even be as basic as how many times have you down played how bad you really feel. Being honest, really honest, opens you up to rejection and hurt, something that is scary as hell for most people, but can truly be a horrifying thought to someone with BPD.

You have combined opposite example in the same statement. First you say that BPD sufferers exaggerate their symptoms to get more attention, (which I do no believe because whenI was released from the last hospital I was in at 18, I never went to a doctor for even a cold for over ten years.) Not exactly a sign of seeking attention, and then you say that BPD sufferers down-play how bad they are hurt, (whichI also don't agree with cause everyone around me knows I am pissed off). Not trying to be argumentative with you (well, maybe a little. Sorry, but i am in that kind of mood.), but seriously...which is it? Do we want attention or do we act like we are fine?

I don't feel like either. I'm just pissed off!

-Fleeing Bellocq

Power, I don't feel the need to garrote any of my words with you, like I may with others. I believe you can hold your own in this discussion, and not take offense at my suspicions and doubt that any psychiatric professional has a clue as to what goes on in my head.

I also reject being lumped into a pile of bodies sorted by disorders as defined by the DSM, and then have stitched upon my breast my diagnosis, as to alert therapists and psychiatrists that I am a manipulative Borderliner, and should not be taken seriously! That's just a pile of B.S.

Originally Posted by fleeingbellocq

You have combined opposite example in the same statement. First you say that BPD sufferers exaggerate their symptoms to get more attention, (which I do no believe because whenI was released from the last hospital I was in at 18, I never went to a doctor for even a cold for over ten years.) Not exactly a sign of seeking attention, and then you say that BPD sufferers down-play how bad they are hurt, (whichI also don't agree with cause everyone around me knows I am pissed off). Not trying to be argumentative with you (well, maybe a little. Sorry, but i am in that kind of mood.), but seriously...which is it? Do we want attention or do we act like we are fine?

I don't feel like either. I'm just pissed off!

-Fleeing Bellocq

Power, I don't feel the need to garrote any of my words with you, like I may with others. I believe you can hold your own in this discussion, and not take offense at my suspicions and doubt that any psychiatric professional has a clue as to what goes on in my head.

I also reject being lumped into a pile of bodies sorted by disorders as defined by the DSM, and then have stitched upon my breast my diagnosis, as to alert therapists and psychiatrists that I am a manipulative Borderliner, and should not be taken seriously! That's just a pile of B.S.

Depends on situation. I act like I'm fine around most people despite how bad I may feel. They won't believe me or understand anyway, I cannot deal with the criticism, and I was taught by my dear mom "Don't you dare tell your personal problems to anybody." I don't talk about problems...at all; I'll break down before I confess. Around certain people, very very few, I do state how I feel and may state it in a way to gain attention or manipulate, not to be mean and it's almost always unintentional, but because I DO hold it in pretty much at all other times, it has to come out sometime, and that person has gained my trust enough that I feel okay talking. This "talking" usually occurs in writing....I DON'T TALK! This applies to sadness, being distraught, or having multiple emotions swirling around my head.

My anger, however, rarely has any true bounds and I can rarely keep it in, regardless of who I'm around or the situation. I may be able to minimize it a bit, but people will know.

[powertools321]

fleeingbellocq, thank you for feeling like you can be straight up with me, I will do my best to not let my BPD get in the way. lol I think Maranara probably put it better than I did, when it comes to anger everybody knows (getting better at this) for sure. When I'm upset/sad I have a tendency of underplaying it (could be from a upbringing of men don't cry). Sometimes I desperately seek attention and approval as I think we all do. I think people with BPD will seek this out sometimes in unhealthy ways, I know I still do (another thing I'm getting better at). Hey I just realized something, you said so which is it, it's both, it's a dialectic. Holy crap I used a dialectic! Now that is some scary @#$%. Sorry for the tangent, but seriously like Mara said I to think it depends on the situation.

[picklewheeze]

I think that it dependa on the lie. People lie for all kinds off reasons. For me, it was probably a trust. I wasnt so muh an outeight liar, more an evader off the truth e.g. 'have you self harmed at all this week?' 'no'

maybe its a reflex for protection or somethig.

At the same time though on another week where im thinking my T is the don, i might wabt her attention and exaggerate things.

J can see what your sayig and i know this is just as hypocritical as a response but for me no two therapy sessions are the same. I can feel completely different one to the next. Sometimes i can say something i think.is the truth and my T could brinf it up a week later and even i wwouldthink its bollocks but maybe thats how i felt then, who knows.

You may or may not be able tobrelate to this; we are all different.

[picklewheeze]

Sweey surrender, could i ask you why you think you idealize women so much? Just cause as i said i really do and i dont know why, wondered if u could shed any light?

[sweetsurrender]

Originally Posted by fleeingbellocq

sweet surrender or anyone,

Sweet surrender, I am not trying to be obtuse, and can certainly understand how hard it is to admit that you have lied, but I am just wondering, why did you lie?

I'm new at trying to figure this stuff out even though I have been diagnosed with BPD since I was fifteen. I have pretty much ignored all of the diagnosis's that I have been told I have, as far as getting real help or trying to figure them out.

Everyone here seems to understand why you felt like you wanted to lie, and I am just wondering what that has to do with BPD?

If this is a question that I should not be asking, or implies idiocy on my part, please forgive me and ignore it.

I'm sorry,

-Fleeing Bellocq

Don't apologize- your fine. I have never admitted to anyone before that sometimes I lie and honestly I didn't do it until about 5 years ago and then it just started to basically get me what I want. And to be honest it felt good to have people concerned about me. I know how that sounds but most of the time I do it to get attention and affection. I don't do it often but it it doesn't make it right or okay. I am kind of starting to understand now that I can get positive attention without having to lie and and the lies I was telling make me sound and feel worse.

[sweetsurrender]

Originally Posted by picklewheeze

Sweey surrender, could i ask you why you think you idealize women so much? Just cause as i said i really do and i dont know why, wondered if u could shed any light?

I have read that people with BPD are constantly seeking a parental figure in their lives. They are looking for someone to nurture them. I don't know if this is true for all BPD. But recently after I read that I was I'm disbelief bc I never understood why I did that, for a while I thought maybe I was bisexual. But now I realize it is not that, I want someone to love me and hold me and tell me it is going to be okay, because I never got that growing up.

[picklewheeze]

Yes sweet surrender thats the thouggt pattern ive been goin through! Im still consider the fact i may be bisexual, although think i might actually be asexual. I do agree it could be a mother figure. Especially as it always tends to be older women. I live witg my my mum and dad now but my.nan was probably the primary mother figure throughout my childhood and since she is now at the late stages of dementia after ten years off sufferin maybe im making up for the fact i miss her looking after me? Thanks for sharing your thoughts sweet surrender it has 'opened my eyes' so to speak.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Right now I am so scared of people thinking I am needy or manipulative that I cover up as best I can and am terrified that ppl still "know" how messed up I am.

This is the only site now I can open up. I belong to others, but I stopped talking (writing) as well. I stopped sharing at meetings/groups. I am starting to stop talking to my roommate.

The only ones I trust now face to face are Ani (mentor) and Andy, my former bf, who agreed to just be friends.

Everywhere else, I am scared to death of being criticized for being "needy" or "messed up" or "immature" or "manipulative".

I still don't cry much (even right after the death of my aunt!) because even at home I am scared Bruce is going to hear me and think I am "trying to get attention".

D*mm*t!

I never know what's the bpd and what's normal human stuff anymore.

The only reason I can even live with myself today is because of Ani's love and support and all the wonderful information I found online.

It is lonely, very lonely. Before my diagnosis, I was more sure of myself. And before Bruce began to convince me that I was an "attention seeking female".

Carol

[~EnlightenMe~]

I am over the stigma of BPD, to be honest. I think that each person with BPD is different. I tend to be overly truthful because I have a majorly guilty conscience. The 'manipulative' behavior, imo, comes from not knowing how to ask for what you want/need, and/or feeling inconsequential. There's a reason for all behavior, and the job in therapy is to get to the root of it all. I think it is admirable that you admitted to lying, I think that it will really help you heal in the long run.

[sweetsurrender]

I could tell by the look in her eyes how disgusting she thinks I am.
I hate myself for all the horrible things I have done. I can't work anymore bc I have screwed up those relationships so much and just can't handle it. I mess up everything. I am bad luck, bad karma. Bad things happen to people around me. I hate myself. I am disgusting. I want to make it all go away.

[powertools321]

Originally Posted by sweetsurrender

I could tell by the look in her eyes how disgusting she thinks I am.
I hate myself for all the horrible things I have done. I can't work anymore bc I have screwed up those relationships so much and just can't handle it. I mess up everything. I am bad luck, bad karma. Bad things happen to people around me. I hate myself. I am disgusting. I want to make it all go away.

No, no you're not. You don't mess everything up, you're not disgusting, and I seriously doubt she thinks you are. I'm willing to bet that you have made it out to be much, much worse than it actually is. If I was you I would just straight out ask her.

[tinyrabbit]

Therapy is for people, not problems. Your therapist is there to help you, whoever that is, whether you've lied or not.

And I suspect the feelings you think you see in your therapist's eyes are actually how you think she should see you. Ask her if she thinks that. I bet you'll be surprised.

Originally Posted by fleeingbellocq

I am just wondering what that has to do with BPD?

Fleeing I was asking the same question. Don't think that your question is way out there at all... I don't know either. If anything, I share to much with people of myself.

The part in the responses taht bothers me the most is the implication that our behaviors, are "attention seeking" I beg to differ, if I act out, blow up, panic, and have any other sort emotional dysfunctional screw up I sure as heck am not doing it on purpose to get attention, it's because I feel extremely emotional about something.

I also agree with you on that it's bothersome that we're lumped together in some sort of pile "manipulative and difficult 'types' "

*hugs to you*
~S4

Oh and I have one last word and I'm done. It seems to me that lying and downplaying our emotions or situation, for me at least are two separate things. When Sweet Surrender, you say you lie, do you mean you didn't tell her something that actually happened, or said no to something that you did... etc? I ask because I need clarification. I don't think that minimizing an event is lying so much as it is being in denial much of the time. I wouldn't call someone in this mode, a liar at all.

Now if she asked if you did yoru homework and you didn't but you tell her yes, that to me is lying.

And to the idea that not being forthcoming with your true feelings? This is not unique to BPD, it's just exaggerated sometimes. I mean people of all walks of life aren't always expressing their true feelings, personality disorder or not. In our exaggerated or over inflated view of everything... its just that someone with BPD feels, sees, hears everything more intensely, so if you downplay your emotions or hide them, you not only do so more profoundly but your feeling that you're doing something wrong because of it is also amplified. So my thought on this is that it's ok to keep your emotions hidden or turned down! Part of that is self preservation and protecting yourself. It's perfectly natural within reason, and sometimes even a good thing to do.