[Luvmydog]

I am up way too late tonight for my liking, but seem to be in a much better place today. I had a long discussion with my wife yesterday about what was going on with me. (When I say long I mean maybe ten to twenty minutes, but for me, that's long, especially when talking about myself.) I think the conversation helped me alot, but I still feel the need to possibly get some emrgency meds (Klonopin worked well to calm my emotional state some time ago). Thanks to everyone for your thoughts, prayers, and hugs.

I
Am
Feeling
Calm
And
I
Am
Eating
Too
Much
Ice
cream

[Labradorite23]

I'm saying hello. Newbie. Today has been pretty good considering I am just weeks now coming out from under a really bad spell that put me out on leave from work/will I feel this much better when I am working again? When things are ok, you can forget how bad they can be. I'm ok with this momentary forgetfulness.

[Flooded]

Omg, we bought another house

[youwillrise]

was okay until about an hour ago. my younger cousin (10) has lived with my family since he was 1 year old...he has a female friend, who he has known since kindergarten and she was going to stay overnight at our house...shes stayed before, so i ask my mother "why wasnt i allowed to have males sleep over?" the first thing that happened was everyone in the car laughed at me...then she said "you never asked" so i had to remind her that she wouldnt even allow me to have a boys phone number back then...to which she replied "boys and girls have different rules" and i said "well, it shouldnt be that way"

i dont know...im almost 30 and it still bothers me. i probably shouldnt care, but i do...and it hurts that they dont care that it affected me. my brother (23) was allowed to date younger than i was...double standards are for losers. the fact that my mother was so strict with me about males really shaped the way i interacted with them...with fear! i avoided them for a long time, was/am afraid to talk to them, etc.

and theyre always telling me that i hold my feelings in too much - oh, i wonder why? maybe because when i do let things out, i get laughed at by my own family.

guess im just a big, grown baby.

[poptart316]

Originally Posted by misskeena

I slept for crap last night even though I took some sleep meds--I would sleep for maybe an hour and a half or so and have vivid dreams, and then wake up. Then I'd fall asleep again and repeat the cycle. All night. Then I had to be up at 7:30am for work. I seem to be sleeping like this every night before I have to work, but last night was especially bad, and I felt it today at work. Exhausted all day and when I am exhausted, I feel nauseous so I felt like crap for my whole 12 hour shift. I don't know why I'm not sleeping well these days or why my sleep meds aren't working anymore. Boo.

I've been sleeping like **** too, I have a hard time falling asleep and sometimes I can't stay awake- that's why I'm up now.. normally if I just lay down I'll eventually fall asleep, it'll take a while but I'll get there. But falling asleep has been very difficult lately, I'll just lay there for hours and hours till I give up and go on the computer and wont go to bed till like 10am-1pm and sleep allll day. I have sleep meds and they haven't been working so I started taking 2 and 3 at a time, which helped sometimes.. I'm about to run out of them though and I'm afraid my doctor wont give me anymore since I'm only supposed to take them every once in a while but have been taking 2-3 every night. Sleep problems really suck.

[poptart316]

Originally Posted by youwillrise

was okay until about an hour ago. my younger cousin (10) has lived with my family since he was 1 year old...he has a female friend, who he has known since kindergarten and she was going to stay overnight at our house...shes stayed before, so i ask my mother "why wasnt i allowed to have males sleep over?" the first thing that happened was everyone in the car laughed at me...then she said "you never asked" so i had to remind her that she wouldnt even allow me to have a boys phone number back then...to which she replied "boys and girls have different rules" and i said "well, it shouldnt be that way"

i dont know...im almost 30 and it still bothers me. i probably shouldnt care, but i do...and it hurts that they dont care that it affected me. my brother (23) was allowed to date younger than i was...double standards are for losers. the fact that my mother was so strict with me about males really shaped the way i interacted with them...with fear! i avoided them for a long time, was/am afraid to talk to them, etc.

and theyre always telling me that i hold my feelings in too much - oh, i wonder why? maybe because when i do let things out, i get laughed at by my own family.

guess im just a big, grown baby.

That sounds frustrating, I'm 25 and my grandparents wont let me have boys over let alone have them stay the night, I think it's soo stupid. They're a bit old fashioned.

[Flooded]

Poptart, I used to sneak them into my room

[poptart316]

lol I've thought about doing that but think it's a bit silly considering that I'm 25.. besides most of the men I date have their own places but I really like the idea of having a man over in my bed for some reason.

I DID try sneaking in a guy like a year ago and my grandma just happened to be sleeping on the couch that night, like wtf she never sleeps on the couch! She was so mad.

[poptart316]

Ugh I feel so crazy today.. I'm a ****ing lunatic!

Sent at least six angry about life texts to my friend - should I even use that word - which he ignored; an apology text the next day, which he ignored; and a phone call that night which he ignored. It sucks when no one wants to talk to you, when they dread hearing from you. It sucks.

Talked to another guy about him buying me alcohol, since he suggested he would, and he said I could either pay by cash or sexual favor. This is a guy I've hung out with exactly once. Maybe I shouldn't have asked for the alcohol but I want it. At least I have money, I guess.

[x_BabyG_x]

Productive but lazy day. Stayed in the house got a few more job applications done, which sent me on a high.

Anxiety is creeping up tonight though, im tired but im putting off going to sleep for some reason

I ruin every friendship before it even really begins.

[youwillrise]

i lied...i havent let go of my attachment to him. i havent spoken to him in 3 weeks, but hes constantly on my mind and i feel stupid because why am i wasting mindpsace on someone whp isnt thinking about me? i dont know whats wrong with me. i need a distraction.

I'm really lonely today. No one at work talks to me unless I talk to them first. Well, unless they're asking me to do something, which is frequent and the nature of my job, but it doesn't count. Besides that, I sit outside of every conversation. This morning, one of the nurses brought coffee for everyone except me. She does that every time she's working. It's like the RN's matter, but I don't matter because I'm just a nurse tech. It makes me feel like absolute s***.

[youwillrise]

arrrrrgh. why do i have to let every effing thing affect me? why am i so jealous of everyone. whatever im being punished for, im sorry...i know, i suck. im lame. im a terrible excuse for a human being. i dont deserve friends or people who care about me. i get it.

[lifelies]

*possible trigger warning*
I don't like my mother anymore. I came home from the beach, and she told me "you've smoked." I quit smoking 9 days ago. She knows that and she wants to hurt me so I smoke again.
I hate her.
Tom and Christine

[granite1]

Originally Posted by misskeena

I'm really lonely today. No one at work talks to me unless I talk to them first. Well, unless they're asking me to do something, which is frequent and the nature of my job, but it doesn't count. Besides that, I sit outside of every conversation. This morning, one of the nurses brought coffee for everyone except me. She does that every time she's working. It's like the RN's matter, but I don't matter because I'm just a nurse tech. It makes me feel like absolute s***.

I think that would hurt me also .I had often felt this way when I was working .it didn't matter if I liked the person or not .maybe you should do a coffee run at some point and include her in it and maybe the next time she will bring you one

[granite1]

Originally Posted by youwillrise

arrrrrgh. why do i have to let every effing thing affect me? why am i so jealous of everyone. whatever im being punished for, im sorry...i know, i suck. im lame. im a terrible excuse for a human being. i dont deserve friends or people who care about me. i get it.

I think the trick is to happy with you .to realize you are as good as the people you are jealous of. I know it is hard but I bet if you tried really hard you could find a bunch of good thing about yourself

oh and you do not suck ,you are not lame ,and definitely deserve people who care about you .
sometimes I work myself into such a state that I cant see for the life of me that anyone cares about me .but once I am able to stand back I can see it a little .

[poptart316]

I'm freaking out, I'm very nervous about whats going to happen when me and my ex get together and talk about thing... I'm also terrified that he's going to decide that he doesn't want to get together and talk about things. I can't stop thinking about it.

[x_BabyG_x]

I've not been too bad again today. Only half an hour of bad anxiety and a little bit of derealisation. My SI urges aren't enough to follow them through. But again, I find myself worrying about what badness is in the other side!!

[youwillrise]

001. i'm enjoying watching 'orange is the new black' it's just nutso

002. back to my regular job tomorrow...summer vacation is over for us

003. doctor's appointment tomorrow and i'm nervous. i hate going to the doctor. i hate getting check ups/physicals.

004. i wont allow myself to contact him, but a big part of me wants him to contact me and that's really silly of me, but i dont know how to get rid of that feeling

005. i'm hot as fluffikins

006. in other doctor news, i quit going to the psych months back. i actually lasted for about 8 weeks before i stopped going...said it was because i couldnt afford it anymore, which is partly true, but not wholly true. i guess i felt challenged and threatened. maybe i'm not borderline...feels like i'm the only one avoiding the psych.

007. i'm gonna take a shower soon.

008. i'm thirsty

009. the end.

Originally Posted by granite1

I think that would hurt me also .I had often felt this way when I was working .it didn't matter if I liked the person or not .maybe you should do a coffee run at some point and include her in it and maybe the next time she will bring you one

I'm not really allowed to leave once I'm at work. Besides...they already have coffee...

I was feeling okay, or so I thought. I walked out of work happy, thinking about my next two days off and the possibility that I might just stop by McD's on the way home for some fries. Yum! (I didn't stop, though.) And then, on the way home, I crashed. I realized that I was just faking it all day. I'm still sad, still lonely, and the next two days off will be spent alone, just like they always are. Grrr.

[youwillrise]

anxiety happening right now...been quite a while since ive had anxiety like this. its almost 330am, have to be to work at 9...no sleep yet. goodness, please let me get just a few hours of sleep.