I know that everyone on here probably feels this way but I just want to be normal. I am tired of feeling and acting the way that I do, feeling like I'm simply existing and not really living. I feel as though I exist only to hold down a job and pay bills, not to really live and enjoy life. I feel as though one of my medications, Geodon--the newest one I've been taking only since December--is causing me to lose a sense of joy in life. I've lost my excitement over things, have no libido (sorry if that's TMI), or really any desire or motivation to experience much of anything. The only reason I do anything like go out with friends or do online dating is because I think I should and because, if I don't, I would be profoundly lonely. And being alone causes me to feel agitated and anxious which is simply awful.

I'm embarrassed by my behavior lately, the childish behavior which caused me to lose another relationship in my life and yet I don't know what to do about it. It's so simple to say, "Just don't do it," but I knew not to do it, that acting a certain way would cause me to lose that friendship (because we'd discussed it before) and yet I still found myself acting up. It's like words were out of my mouth before I could think them through. That was the only friend that I experienced that behavior with and I don't know why. Probably because I felt an underlying sense of rejection with him so hey, maybe the loss of friendship is for the best but still... it sucks.

Having BPD sucks which I'm sure you all know, but I'm just venting so let me say it again: Having BPD sucks. It sucks a--! I don't know how to do most of the exercises my T asks me to do for homework and so I feel like I'm getting nowhere. Like, these last two weeks I was supposed to come up with behaviors I want to emulate in my own self of people who feel comfortable in their own skin. I don't really even know what that looks like, so I haven't come up with much. I've come up with like, two things in two weeks. I just...I've got nothing.

Sorry for the long post, and I'm sorry that I'm so negative when I do post. I've just been sitting here all day feeling agitated and restless and sad and I just want to talk to someone.

[Luvmydog]

I'm sorry about the situation that you've found yourself in. You're right, having a BPD dx does suck. Losing friends (my best man no longer talks to me), feeling anxious, not being able to sleep, all of the symptoms are terrible. I wish I had the words that would comfort you in some way, but I'm kinda going through a rough stretch at the moment and am having trouble seeing the forest for the trees. But I didn't want my own issues to stop me from showing that I care. Things are short for both of us at the moment, but I think you should be proud that you are working on the homework for your T. Don't minimize it. There were weeks after I was first diagnosed that I was unable to much of anything, unable to focus on anything. You're trying, and for those of us with this dx, that's an accomplishment in itself.

Originally Posted by Luvmydog

I'm sorry about the situation that you've found yourself in. You're right, having a BPD dx does suck. Losing friends (my best man no longer talks to me), feeling anxious, not being able to sleep, all of the symptoms are terrible. I wish I had the words that would comfort you in some way, but I'm kinda going through a rough stretch at the moment and am having trouble seeing the forest for the trees. But I didn't want my own issues to stop me from showing that I care. Things are short for both of us at the moment, but I think you should be proud that you are working on the homework for your T. Don't minimize it. There were weeks after I was first diagnosed that I was unable to much of anything, unable to focus on anything. You're trying, and for those of us with this dx, that's an accomplishment in itself.

Thank you for replying, Luvmydog. I'm glad at least someone did. It means a lot.

If I weren't so anxious all the time I think I could focus better but the anxiety is just too much. It's all I can think about, trying to distract myself and trying to minimize it. It is simply awful.

[Ultra Darkness]

Watch cartoons and hug a cat.

Originally Posted by Ultra Darkness

Watch cartoons and hug a cat.

I'm not a fan of cartoons, but I am catching up on some shows and have my cats by me. That's pretty much a normal day for me.

[Ultra Darkness]

Well, to each her own.

[TheRealFDeal]

Just curious about the Geodon - if it's not helping or making you feel worse, why does your pdoc still have you on it? Did you really feel more "alive" before you were on it, or is it the circumstances of your life that are sucking the life out of you? I have felt like I'm just existing for about four years now. I have been diagnosed with depression along with BPD, but really, who wouldn't be depressed if they had BPD? I'm really wondering how they are separate diagnoses.

As for this guy friend, I also wonder what the special pull is there. For some reason, you seem to care more for his friendship than that of the friends you hang out with. You seem to want more from him than your other friends. Is it just because he distances himself from you that you feel the need to pull him back to you even more? I hope I'm not out of line here, this is just what occurs to me.

[NICK 0305]

Originally Posted by misskeena

I know that everyone on here probably feels this way but I just want to be normal. I am tired of feeling and acting the way that I do, feeling like I'm simply existing and not really living. I feel as though I exist only to hold down a job and pay bills, not to really live and enjoy life. I feel as though one of my medications, Geodon--the newest one I've been taking only since December--is causing me to lose a sense of joy in life. I've lost my excitement over things, have no libido (sorry if that's TMI), or really any desire or motivation to experience much of anything. The only reason I do anything like go out with friends or do online dating is because I think I should and because, if I don't, I would be profoundly lonely. And being alone causes me to feel agitated and anxious which is simply awful.

I'm embarrassed by my behavior lately, the childish behavior which caused me to lose another relationship in my life and yet I don't know what to do about it. It's so simple to say, "Just don't do it," but I knew not to do it, that acting a certain way would cause me to lose that friendship (because we'd discussed it before) and yet I still found myself acting up. It's like words were out of my mouth before I could think them through. That was the only friend that I experienced that behavior with and I don't know why. Probably because I felt an underlying sense of rejection with him so hey, maybe the loss of friendship is for the best but still... it sucks.

Having BPD sucks which I'm sure you all know, but I'm just venting so let me say it again: Having BPD sucks. It sucks a--! I don't know how to do most of the exercises my T asks me to do for homework and so I feel like I'm getting nowhere. Like, these last two weeks I was supposed to come up with behaviors I want to emulate in my own self of people who feel comfortable in their own skin. I don't really even know what that looks like, so I haven't come up with much. I've come up with like, two things in two weeks. I just...I've got nothing.

Sorry for the long post, and I'm sorry that I'm so negative when I do post. I've just been sitting here all day feeling agitated and restless and sad and I just want to talk to someone.

Please be strong, I am new here but I know what your going through and yes it does suck xx

[NICK 0305]

Be strong hun , I am new here and have the same disorder and yes it sucks big time but be strong xx

Misskeena, I've started and deleted a reply to your op at least 3 times since you posted it. Don't what anyone thinking I'm an idiot.

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

Just curious about the Geodon - if it's not helping or making you feel worse, why does your pdoc still have you on it? Did you really feel more "alive" before you were on it, or is it the circumstances of your life that are sucking the life out of you?

She has me on it because the original meds for depression weren't cutting it and I ended up inpatient again--for the fourth time. Something had to give. It was either try this or ECT, and I am not doing ECT. I will admit that I don't feel deep, dark depression anymore, but neither do I feel like myself anymore. And I don't like it. I don't even remember what it's like to feel like a normal person.

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

As for this guy friend, I also wonder what the special pull is there. For some reason, you seem to care more for his friendship than that of the friends you hang out with. You seem to want more from him than your other friends. Is it just because he distances himself from you that you feel the need to pull him back to you even more? I hope I'm not out of line here, this is just what occurs to me.

You're not out of line; you're exactly right. I'd rather hang out with J than anyone else I'm friends with. J and I (used to) do more fun things than the other people I hang out with. That, and it was nice to hang out with a guy for a change; I don't have any guy friends. He was kind of like a surrogate boyfriend without the mess of ever having that possibility over my head since he's gay. Really though, I think the reason why we were so drawn to each other is much deeper. I'm overly emotional while he is emotionally stunted. In a dysfunctional way, we balanced each other out, or we sought to balance each other out. In the end, it didn't work out that way. We just poked at each other's weak spots too hard. Also, I grew up with chaotic relationships and this was definitely one of those so...in a way, it was familiar to me. All in all, it was probably just unhealthy from the get-go but you could never have told me that. I wouldn't have listened.

[TheRealFDeal]

Well, it sounds like this time it really is different. Come to think of it, I had a guy friend once who I related to really well. We didn't hang out, but we worked together and spent many after-hours just talking and laughing. He turned out to be a jerk and I'm glad to be rid of him... even though it's just one more in my trail of broken relationships. Seriously, he was a real *****. As our friendship grew, I grew to expect more, and he didn't have anything more to give. After the great conversations, it turned out there was nothing else there. On the other hand, if I had had any other satisfying relationships at the time, I maybe could have accepted the relationship on his level, and just enjoyed what I got. Ugh. Idk.

That's exactly how this friendship was. Almost exactly.

[poptart316]

That sucks that the meds are making you feel like a zombie. : / I often feel like I can't really enjoy anything. I'm also sorry that you've lost a friend. If it makes you feel better a few of my friends never ask me to hang out, we just talk on FB, one even ignored me when I asked them if they wanted to hang out.

Originally Posted by poptart316

That sucks that the meds are making you feel like a zombie. : / I often feel like I can't really enjoy anything. I'm also sorry that you've lost a friend. If it makes you feel better a few of my friends never ask me to hang out, we just talk on FB, one even ignored me when I asked them if they wanted to hang out.

They don't really make me feel like a zombie per se, I just don't feel like myself. And it seems like the only feelings I feel are anxiety and agitation. I don't ever feel happy or excited. I don't remember what it's like to feel joy over anything, to actually enjoy something, you know? Not even eating. I just eat because my stomach tells me I'm hungry and I don't have much of an appetite, so I am full quickly. I've lost 23 lbs and I need to lose like, at least 20 more so there's one good thing about it, but it's sad not to even enjoy food that much, and to be so anxious that you can't eat.

I never, ever have friends ask me to do anything. Ever. In fact, I can't remember the last time I had someone ask me to do something without me contacting them first. So when J told me, upon breaking up our friendship, that he just dreads hanging out with me anymore, it cut deep because I feel like that's how all of my friends feel about me.

Originally Posted by misskeena

They don't really make me feel like a zombie per se, I just don't feel like myself. And it seems like the only feelings I feel are anxiety and agitation. I don't ever feel happy or excited. I don't remember what it's like to feel joy over anything, to actually enjoy something, you know?

I know how this feels exactly or doesn't feel O.o You know what I mean. I was on Depakote for a good part of a decade. I knew all along it subdued my emotions and I just plain didn't feel as much as I normally would. I'm sorry but for me, even with the negatives, I like my passion, I like my excitement. it's the spice of life. What is life without feeling much anyway?

[salsharia]

Originally Posted by jeffro1972

Misskeena, I've started and deleted a reply to your op at least 3 times since you posted it. Don't what anyone thinking I'm an idiot.

No one is here to judge

[Flooded]

I saw a movie called "Mental" a few months ago. From this movie I quote..

"There's no such thing as normal. Just different shades of mental"

Originally Posted by Flooded

I saw a movie called "Mental" a few months ago. From this movie I quote..

"There's no such thing as normal. Just different shades of mental"

This is true. I guess I just want to feel more like myself. I honestly, honestly feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like, since I went inpatient right around this past Thanksgiving up to now, I've become a person I don't recognize. Anxious all the time, quiet, shut down, unmotivated, sluggish, no drive to do anything, unadventurous, afraid, almost unfriendly, little to no appetite both for life (and for actual food, ha)...these are all opposite of the person I was just 7 or 8 short months ago. And I don't know what happened. I've been classified as mentally ill since I was a teenager, been depressed and anxious, had BPD. So what is different now?? Why am I suddenly so much worse? I can't think of anything that triggered it, necessarily. The only thing different is that I'm on a new medication since I was inpatient. I can't believe that the med is causing this but could it be? I have no idea. Or maybe I just fell apart. Who knows.

All I know is I can't live like this forever. When I say I want to be normal, I mean that I want to be my normal self. I miss myself.

[Flooded]

It's very tough misskeena and I don't mean to be dismissive as I do understand. I don't recognize myself prior to having kids. Before I was a "good" mad and now, well, I just don't know who I am. I exist to feed, clothe, be a referee etc for my kids.

Originally Posted by Flooded

It's very tough misskeena and I don't mean to be dismissive as I do understand. I don't recognize myself prior to having kids. Before I was a "good" mad and now, well, I just don't know who I am. I exist to feed, clothe, be a referee etc for my kids.

I didn't think you were dismissive at all.

[Sistah]

I totally agree with you about wanting to be normal. I hate when I tell my therapist that I want to be normal she always says what's normal. All I say is you know what I mean. I know that she means that everyone has something that they are having to deal with. But that doesn't make me feel any better. I just want to be able to wake up, go through my days and weeks without having to think about how to cope and deal with life. Thanks for expressing your feeling in a way that I can relate. God bless you.

[AnnaBegins]

This post struck such a chord with me! I would give anything to feel my version of normal for more than just an hour or two at a time. To be able to just go out and experience life without worrying about dealing with emotional waves or being "on" in front of people so no one will find out how screwed up I am. To experience joy without having to prepare for the crushing feeling of emptiness and sadness when that fleeting experience is over.

It is helping to be a part of this community though - finding people like yourself who say what I feel better than I ever could and knowing that I'm not completely alone.

<<HUGS>>

I just...I want to be off meds. I know that this is a dangerous statement but I wonder sometimes if they maybe just make things worse. Maybe not all of them but, jeez, I take a s---load of meds. Too many. I feel like I'm at the point where, even if I tried to wean off the meds, my mind wouldn't be able to handle it.

I tried to, with my pdoc's permission, cut my dose of Geodon in half and my anxiety went through the roof. Or at least I think it was from me cutting the Geodon that my anxiety spiked; I'm too afraid to try to cut it again to find out. But I just started taking Geodon in December. I feel like I was more...normal...before that. Yes I had very severe depression but the person who felt that way was more me. I do not feel like myself, and I haven't felt like me since I started taking Geodon.

Anyway. Sorry. This is all stuff I need to tell my pdoc. I don't think she really hears me when I talk anymore, though. She just sees me as a giant medicine cabinet.

[yellowfrog268]

" I want to be normal"

Me too!