[Porcupine_girl]

What's the point of living when you have never been loved and continue not to be? This is not an exaggeration, I don't have a father, my mother is a narcissist, I have no friends and no one would notice if I wasn't here. So why am I.

[cryingontheinside]

I am so sorry that your feeling this way. Sounds like you have had it really tough.
It isnt fair. Everyone needs at least one person to care about them.
I feel so sad reading your post.
Maybe you will find someone soon. I hope you do.
This is a very hard thing to do if you feel you have never been loved but could you try to love yourself?
Once you love yourself you will find yourself attracting love and attention of others.
I know it is a very hard thing to ask if you havent experienced love but please try.
Do you have a therapist. Is there anything you can do to try to make friends? Any group activities you can participating or even church if you are religious.
The gym is a really good place to meet people and make friends. Do you go to college or work?

[dancinglady]

I Have heard these suggestions many times. Read below these suggestions are for people who are not like us. We are damaged goods that no one wants or will love us. Don't waste your time on trying-my experience is people will just continue to reject you. What you need to do is "accept that you will be alone the rest if your life" then try to find things that make you happy. I have been told this by several therapists. When u do not receive the required love in your development years there will be no one in your life after. It is a a bad sentence. This is the only place u can come and be heard. Good luck with your new reality. I just sit in my home. I tried all of these suggestions with no success.

[ifst5]

I often wonder this and come to the conclusion that it's clearly more than just a fear of death - fear can be overcome more easily than a nagging sensation of what might be. Perhaps there is a chance, no matter how small, that you will find love and meaning?

It's a big world out there and we allow it into our lives as much as we want too. I'm ok with a quiet stable life, others want more. Do what makes you comfortable and don't fall prey to comparison - we're all different.

I hope you find peace.

[cryingontheinside]

Dancing lady i am sorry for your situation but i disagree with the point that you made that she should just accept it and get on with it. That is giving her no hope and you dont know that she wont ever be loved.
She does not have to follow my suggestions, thats all they are suggestions and no harm can come from trying.
I have been where she has. Things have improved for me but for me it was mainly through praying to god.

[dancinglady]

I have to agree to disagree with last poster. A relationship takes 2 people and we may want it a lot like me but if the other people see us as different they r the ones that back off. Fear has nothing to do with this. I think it is helpful to validate your pain and show the truth so you can make solid decisions about your life.
If you have had our disorder long enough people telling you the truth is in your best interest. Why not be open to the realities of this disorder and not hide. I have had many years of experience that has given me much insight and knowledge.

[dancinglady]

Point taken. People r typing faster than I can post. I am trying not to give her false hope is all I am saying. I was showing that your suggestions also don't work. I don't want her to blame herself when it does not work like in my case. You have a lot of guilt when it does not work. Then u become extremely depressed as a failure.

Originally Posted by dancinglady

I have to agree to disagree with last poster. A relationship takes 2 people and we may want it a lot like me but if the other people see us as different they r the ones that back off. Fear has nothing to do with this. I think it is helpful to validate your pain and show the truth so you can make solid decisions about your life.
If you have had our disorder long enough people telling you the truth is in your best interest. Why not be open to the realities of this disorder and not hide. I have had many years of experience that has given me much insight and knowledge.

I agree with your comments. Honestly, who would want to be with someone who is Borderline? I would not want to be with someone who has issues! I would never want to be with someone like myself. It would take a hell of a strong person to understand our minds and be able to deal with it.

[cryingontheinside]

I see your point dancelady to a degree, i too have a disorder and i do find it extremely difficult to maintain relationships however it has improved between my self and my mother. I personslly am not wanting relationships with friends or a boyfriend as my previous experiences have been too painful and at least for the time being i dont want to persue this but i do finally have a good relationship with my mother.
By no means do i think its simple and can be solved easily. It was only suggestions i offered which have helped for me in the past to some extent.
I have learnt to love my self a little well my inner child at least and i feel more comfortable to be on my own, mostly but not completely. Everybody needs the love of someone weather it be a friend, a parent, a partner. For me i have my mum and my children which i am really lucky to have. Everyone needs a little hope ir they will give up. Maybe and hopefully she will find someone and i wasnt trying to give a list of instructions just suggestions which she can choose to ignore if she wants. But i really do believe there is hope for everyone. Not saying things will drastically change but something positive could happen.

[cryingontheinside]

So do we not deserve a friend? The love of a parent or our own children?
Am i undeserving of love because i am borderline? I cant help but be offended by some of the previous comments. Fortunately for me my children do love me so i must be doing something right.

[cryingontheinside]

Porcupine girl,
I hope and pray that you find what you are looking for. You deserve it.

I understand. My parents have either outright abused me or ignored me. (I've been playing mother to my own mother for as long as I can remember.)

I have personally chosen a life alone not because I don't think I can find anyone but because it is safer. I won't hurt anymore even if there are good things at the end. I am weak but for the stronger out there, willing to brave the big bad world I feel there can be much good.

There are many people with BPD who have found loving fulfilling lives and you can be one.

I would have no problem associating with anyone with BPD or any other MI- as long as they were working on their issues. Wallowing gets you nowhere. Nor does projecting your own self worth issues onto others.

[dancinglady]

I am not trying to "hurt" anyone's feelings. I am trying to be honest. I have this dx for many years. Seen a lot of hurt and pain.
People with BPD have to make the decision to "be alone". Look at Marsha L herself she never had a meaningful relationship and never got married. I think if you are lucky to have biological people in your life you are lucky. My statements are about strangers who come into each other's life because they have something to offer and they can have a normal relationship. When people enter our lives they have to make sure "we are working on our issues" that is offensive. Do we put a badge on our chest that states we are in therapy??? People don't start relationships with people they know are hard work - they just move on. I know what I am saying is hard to hear believe I would give the world if it is not true. Look at the divorce rate with people with BPD. I don't even know if P. Girl is still reading and knew it would take off but to be real this is a major issue. Now if you are young and get DBT early this will not be an issue they will get help early enough to turn this around for good. They are the lucky ones.

[cryingontheinside]

Hello dancing lady.
I think in terms of a bf gf relationship i agree with you although for some it does work. I dont want that kind of relatinship as a bpd sufferer not right now anyway as it has caused so much pain. But the post was about being loved. This doesnt just mean bf gf it could be a family member or a friend.
Also there are some bpd sufferers on here who have a partner and children there fore saying it can never happen and just get used to the idea can be seen as a little harsh or disheartening.

[dancinglady]

I can only go by what four different psychologists/social workers told me from their many years of experience working with BPD patients. I guess harsh is a good word but this is what they say.

[cryingontheinside]

It seems harsh for them to say that to you. If they say it to me i will call them a liar because i have a very close loving bond with my children. Now i have a bond with my mum but i didnt in the past.
Do you have anybody? I mean in terms of family or a friend?

[HD7970GHZ]

I am shocked by this thread!

I am both deeply offended and saddened by the attitudes from some of the people on this forum. I feel for all of us because it's clearly a topic we have all struggled with - with differing experiences and results.

The important thing to remember is to try and not think in black and white terms.

Perhaps some of us have chosen to remain alone - because it is far more tolerable than being in a relationship with triggers and emotions and whatnot - but it is still a choice whether we want to be in a relationship or not.

No relationship is easy. I would sooner date a fellow borderline than a university jock who has no understanding of love or depth in relationships. I would sooner date a borderline than someone who has no desire to make things work. I would sooner date a borderline than the majority of the, "same generic people," out there. We are interesting, mysterious and above all - overly committed. (When we feel loved)

Borderline's are so beautiful - on such a deep and profound level - that often times - the only people who can possibly understand them for who they are and not confuse them for what they are - are genuine individual's with a deep understanding of the human experience and of empathy for others. We are amazing. We deserve the thing that is most painful to have and not have. Our part is in learning how we can work through stuff to get it. So long as we remain aware of this struggle - and maintain a consistency to it - we can make it happen.

I love you guys. All of you. Even if I disagree with you. And I'm struggling my *** off so that I CAN be with someone else. The thought of being alone is so very painful. It destroys me more than anything else. As painful as the journey is - I would sooner challenge the notion that borderlines are meant to be alone - and instead go along with the fact: that humans are not meant to be alone.

In no way, shape or form can we give up hope of getting what we deserve!

In it's simplest form - we with borderline simply require a bit more understanding and patience in order to maintain a healthy relationship. That does not necessarily mean that we with borderline are to blame for the outcome. It takes two in every relationship.

I agree that relationships are harder for us - which means the potential to find someone capable of understanding and willing to work with us through it - is also much harder. Perhaps people who don't understand us - don't deserve our friendship. That is something we all struggle with - borderline or not.

My primary concern for dating someone would be in finding a woman with capacity to see past my negative traits and see the good ones first and foremost. That is only fair. We all have good and bad traits. Relationships are reciprocal. We all have demons in the closet. So don't beat ourselves up with silly notions like we will always be alone - because it is simply just not true.

Don't take away our right of human nature and confuse it with being borderline - because it isn't the same. Approximately 50% of marriages ended in divorce in Canada and United States in 2013 according to UNSTAT via wikipedia - and approximately 1-2% of the general public has borderline. Surely 50% of the general public isnt borderline? Relationship problems are human problems - not directly dependent on borderlines.

Please stop hampering on our hope. It only makes matters worse!

Thanks
HD7970ghz

-Snip-

I am annoyed. Which has led to a less than helpful post and so I will remove myself from the conversation.

[HD7970GHZ]

I just want to say that Cryingontheinside is very insightful. I agree with everything he/she said! I skipped most of the middle section of this thread so I apologize if I repeated everything that Cryingontheinside said previously.

Anyone who thinks otherwise is entitled to their opinions - but we really do have to remember the implications behind such ridiculous notions as, "borderline sufferers are destined to be alone and will never be with someone else." That is just terrible to hear. I am so very triggered by this thought. Any professional who says such things is either personally bias against borderlines (which unfortunately happens) or has little to no understanding or empathy for what borderlines are deep down. We are wounded souls. We hurt. I cry 3 hours a day - sometimes more, and mainly because I lack close, intimate relationships with others (outside of therapy). DBT is training me to create that intimacy in other areas of my life and not once did any of my therapists - EVER say - that I need to be alone.

In saying this - it is important to become capable of tolerating being alone (as much as any human can tolerate it) - because that is a part of being a healthy, independent person.

I can't stand the thought that a professional would say such things. Yes - there are people who do better without other relationships in life - but the core of borderline is in finding a balance in relationship with ourselves and with others. To limit our relationships and solely be alone and without close connection with others - is in essence: invalidating ourselves as human beings.

I just want to swear right now. This is the first time a thread has triggered me this much. I don't meant to offend anyone.

We deserve to be with others. We need them, because we are human - not because we are borderline. We cannot allow people to determine who we are based on a diagnosis. The diagnosis is only meant to point out some of our issues and set us in the right direction in our recovery. Please don't allow others to determine who we are and what we can and cannot do.

Anytime these ridiculous notions come into mind - just remind yourself that I would LOVE to be your friend.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[HD7970GHZ]

Another side note: making a change for us borderlines that permits the growth of healthy relationships is not an impossibility. But it is not easy. We will make mistakes and we will fail. In some ways we are retraining the brain - and it takes practice.

Growth is the inevitable cycle of success and failure - and the willingness to learn from failure and apply it into further practice. We cannot possibly learn and grow without failure - so why allow failure to guilt and shame us to the point of submission? We will never stop growing so why would we place expectations on ourselves to become, "fixed," and stop practicing?

We all feel tempted to quit when we fail - but ultimately - there's no way around it. If we want something, then we absolutely must fail.

We never stop growing. We will always make mistakes. A relationship is never perfect. A successful relationship is constantly growing and changing and never idles. We just have to work at it.

I for one would feel far more guilt and shame for having simply, stopped trying - (accepting unhappiness as an alternative) rather than push through mountains of challenge and obstacles in pursuit of the potential for happiness in a relationship.

Happiness is NOT easy. It's never going to be. Life is painful.

With change comes loss - with loss comes pain - with pain comes growth - with growth comes love.

And we deserve love.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[Crazy Hitch]

I am really glad that my T is helping me build meaningful relationships with others.

I'd ditch her in a flash if she told me there was no hope.

I love my extended family. My relationship with my loving husband grows stronger every day. And my kids. They are just too beautiful.

There is always hope. If you choose it.

[Lady Lindsey]

Originally Posted by Sorcerer 666

I agree with your comments. Honestly, who would want to be with someone who is Borderline? I would not want to be with someone who has issues! I would never want to be with someone like myself. It would take a hell of a strong person to understand our minds and be able to deal with it.

I am married to someone with BPD, we have been married for 20 years and it is very tough at times... but I love him and I have read books on how not to trigger him... sometimes it works... sometimes it hurts.. but to say there is no one out there that can love someone with BPD is wrong!

I am proof of that, I love him with all my heart and we have our struggles, but I am still with him and I love him...

There is always someone out there to love you.. Don't give up on life or on finding love...

[dancinglady]

He is extremely lucky.
Wow this has definitely triggered many BPDs. I get the impression that we are not suppose to share our experiences, opinions, fears and thoughts about such a "hot topic" if they are different than others.

[Porcupine_girl]

Thank you everyone for your support, you really helped me get through a really bad day. I don't know what I would do without this support group. Crying on the inside your kind words really made me feel like I am not alone in this world, please don't leave this forum.

[Crazy Hitch]

So off topic it's not helping the original poster. Disappointing that this entire thread has been hijacked.

I am so sorry for the original poster.

Of course we're all allowed different opinions. It's healthy, it's natural - and that's okay.

When I post here, I think it's great to hear different opinions. It makes me consider possibilities from all angles.

I hope that the original poster can read through all of these comments and make a balanced decision after weighing up all the opinions expressed on the topic at hand. They're insightful, some of them helpful and will give he/she something to consider, which is why they came here.

So here's to the original poster:

I hope you have gained some insight from others personal stories and can take away some parts that are useful to you. We're all dynamic and at the end of the day, you must do what benefits you the most and is useful to you. I hope that you find some solace. All members of this group would like to support and offer you suggestions. Be well.