[BadWolfC]

Had a meltdown the other night when I got home from work because my fiance didn't get home until after 10... Think it might have just been from sleep deprivation. I'm starting to feel like I can't be helped, I'm just messed up. My medication doesn't seem to be doing much anymore, and my patience is wearing thin... I just feel broken, and every part of me that's trying to fight it is about to give up.

Why do I even try to socialize? All I do is get anxious and make other people uncomfortable. I'm f**king done with this group. I'm sick of all their crap and their stupid gamer/4chan elitist crap and their constant putting me down, and I'm sick of Facebook because there are stupid racists on there, and I'm sick of tumblr because of all the stupidity, I'm sick of MFC because the only thing I've done on there was post pictures for my own safe keeping and someone came online and insulted my photography, and I'm sick of this website because no one cares about me. No one ever likes me no matter where I freaking go. I'm just done.

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[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by ushichan

Why do I even try to socialize? All I do is get anxious and make other people uncomfortable. I'm f**king done with this group. I'm sick of all their crap and their stupid gamer/4chan elitist crap and their constant putting me down, and I'm sick of Facebook because there are stupid racists on there, and I'm sick of tumblr because of all the stupidity, I'm sick of MFC because the only thing I've done on there was post pictures for my own safe keeping and someone came online and insulted my photography, and I'm sick of this website because no one cares about me. No one ever likes me no matter where I freaking go. I'm just done.

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I like you. You're honest about your feelings and I like that.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by BadWolfC

Had a meltdown the other night when I got home from work because my fiance didn't get home until after 10... Think it might have just been from sleep deprivation. I'm starting to feel like I can't be helped, I'm just messed up. My medication doesn't seem to be doing much anymore, and my patience is wearing thin... I just feel broken, and every part of me that's trying to fight it is about to give up.

Is it possible to talk to someone about adjusting your meds? Also you are going through some major life changes... If I remember correctly...New job, possibly new home, and marriage. Try giving yourself a break. if it's OK.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by crosstobear

I tried that "moral inventory and making amends" stuff from the 12-Step groups. I urge it for my clients all the time and figured I can't be a hypocrite. So I contacted a girl I used to date in college who I treated terribly due to my immaturity, lack of insight and empathy, and my craziness while being unmedicated. I spilled it out and told her how ashamed I have been for many years. Sucks because for those of us with borderline traits, you know exactly the hell you put people through in relationships. There was so much turmoil between us that she didn't make the GPA cutoff for her medical school and had to change careers, and I had to re-do an entire year of undergrad to repair my grades.

I told her how ashamed and guilty I felt. I asked her if she could forgive me and not take it personally, and that I was in so much pain then and so mired in my own problems that I didn't see the hurt I caused others. I explained to her that I had a suicide attempt last year of college and was resuscitated, and that I had a severe mental illness. She had none of it. I did it for peace of mind, but it kind of hurt to not be forgiven. Now I know why my clients have such a hard time with this step. There's a kind of melancholy serenity and acceptance that comes with realizing just how much of a POS you were.

I admire you trying to make amends with her. I heard once that an apology is like a gift. You give it but the receiver can choose not to accept it. She chose not to accept your gift. I have to think though, she also chose to stay in that relationship with you. I doubt you physically held her hostage.

[BadWolfC]

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

Is it possible to talk to someone about adjusting your meds? Also you are going through some major life changes... If I remember correctly...New job, possibly new home, and marriage. Try giving yourself a break. if it's OK.

Yeah, I think I'm just under a lot of stress right now... I'm going to have a psych eval done soon because my new therapist and psychiatrist both think I probably have been misdiagnosed or something has been missed, and depending what that leads to, my meds might be changed. I'm a little worried about changing what I'm on right now because almost everything makes me sick except what I'm on now (Abilify), but I feel like it really isn't doing much anymore anyway. Thank you for the advice.

[indlawsar]

This is a long shot, but does anyone know whether BPD is treated in India anywhere? I need it urgently.

[BadWolfC]

I feel broken... It's like my subconscious is trying to kill me. I just want to sit here and sob all day. I had a dream last night that I can't get out of my head, and it's more than I can handle right now... I know that dreams are just dreams, but it's how I feel that bothers me. I don't know why I have to remember him. I don't know why I can't just forget. It's been 5 years. I only knew him for one.

The worst part is that it was a good dream. But those are the worst kind of nightmares for me. It made me realize how much I would give to just see his face again. I wish it didn't hurt so much. I wish I could forget. I wish I could be happy with what I have and not care about the past. But I know the only reason that he's gone is because of me... so how can I learn from my mistakes if I forget?

As much as I have now, I don't think I'll ever feel the way I did back then.

So, my friends really like to complain about how they're not liked by enough people. One of them has over 5k followers on Instagram and is recognized and gets pictures taken of her at cons all the time no matter what character she's cosplaying, and then she complains that she's "not pretty enough for 10k" all while she's steadily gaining followers. The other has over 800 followers on Instagram, and is very well liked in general. People take lots of pictures of her, too. But she complains that she doesn't have enough followers.
Well, GUESS WHAT, friends! It's even worse being completely irrelevant! With them, they have a ton of people who love them and a few who hate them. With me, people either hate me or don't care. It f**king sucks. I don't want to be the most irrelevant person on Earth anymore. I don't go to a regular school due to the severity of my mental illness, so I can't make friends, and no matter where I go it's always the same; hated or insignificant. I'm always excluded from things I should be included in, or deliberately insulted. No one takes photos of me at cons; I don't even have 150 followers. But they don't see me complaining to them, because I'm trying not to sound like I have an inferiority complex like they accused me of years ago.

I'm just sick of being insignificant. A lot of times I wonder why someone as insignificant as me was even born. No one notices my presence in a room. No one replies to my comments except when they feel sorry for me. No one even talks to me unless I talk to them first; they don't care enough to even contact me. Sometimes even then they don't talk to me.

I identify with Mio Sonozaki from Little Busters! for this very reason. She has a favorite poem that she describes as "me written in a book." It talks about a white bird that floats between the blue of the sea and the blue of the sky, untouched by either. She tries to view it as a happy poem, saying that the white bird is untainted by the blue of the sky or sea, leaving it pure. But I view it as kind of sad; the bird is untouched, meaning it has nothing to hold onto. It's all alone.
That bird is basically Mio and I.

Ugh, I'm sounding freaking melodramatic right now, I'll just shut up. Like it matters, anyway.

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[crosstobear]

Dealing with school related ********. Calming myself down at work, can't afford to jump to conclusions about how my school problem will pan out. Day by day, minute by minute.

[Lonlin3zz]

Originally Posted by ushichan

So, my friends really like to complain about how they're not liked by enough people. One of them has over 5k followers on Instagram and is recognized and gets pictures taken of her at cons all the time no matter what character she's cosplaying, and then she complains that she's "not pretty enough for 10k" all while she's steadily gaining followers. The other has over 800 followers on Instagram, and is very well liked in general. People take lots of pictures of her, too. But she complains that she doesn't have enough followers.
Well, GUESS WHAT, friends! It's even worse being completely irrelevant! With them, they have a ton of people who love them and a few who hate them. With me, people either hate me or don't care.

5k followers, steadily gaining popularity, still not satisfied, craving for crumb and bits of these never-lasting happiness to feed their ego.

Dude, it's normal to feel a little jealous. But I honestly wouldn't want you to end up like this person who craves these until it defines them. She may look like she's happy, but she has already expressed her un-satisfaction about not having enough people that look up to her. Ask yourself, do you want to be like her, being entangled in this vicious cycle of never having to experience complete satisfaction?

I have a friend who is may be similar to her in terms of traits and obsession with self-attention, but we just acknowledge that they're conditioned to behave this way and learn lessons from there instead of being the judge.

I can fully understand how it feels to be looked as irrelevant. I don't know how I can describe it to allow you to understand why we should look away from the word irrelevance. I'm not going to be like...follow you and give you the attention your mind wants, but rather, make you understand that you have to re-evaluate about what your mind is trying to direct you at.

Originally Posted by Lonlin3zz

5k followers, steadily gaining popularity, still not satisfied, craving for crumb and bits of these never-lasting happiness to feed their ego.

Dude, it's normal to feel a little jealous. But I honestly wouldn't want you to end up like this person who craves these until it defines them. She may look like she's happy, but she has already expressed her un-satisfaction about not having enough people that look up to her. Ask yourself, do you want to be like her, being entangled in this vicious cycle of never having to experience complete satisfaction?

I have a friend who is may be similar to her in terms of traits and obsession with self-attention, but we just acknowledge that they're conditioned to behave this way and learn lessons from there instead of being the judge.

I can fully understand how it feels to be looked as irrelevant. I don't know how I can describe it to allow you to understand why we should look away from the word irrelevance. I'm not going to be like...follow you and give you the attention your mind wants, but rather, make you understand that you have to re-evaluate about what your mind is trying to direct you at.

Wanting someone to like me is completely different than wanting an army.
I don't care about having 5k followers. I just want my current followers to not treat me like I'm invisible. She gets comments telling her how pretty she is and DMs saying how they hope she had a good day and I never even get ANY comments on my photos except from my sister putting the moon emoji on my posts.
No matter how much I try to be the same as them and do the same things, no one likes me! I don't know why, they just don't! No matter where I go, I can't make any friends because I practically don't exist in anyone's world except my own!
You don't understand the magnitude of this situation. I'm a teenager, I WANT to have friends. It's not like I have a family and a job and whatever to hold onto. I have nothing except schoolwork and social aspects, and a family that doesn't understand.
It's not that I want people to look up to me. It's that I want to be LIKED. There's a difference.

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God, why are people so stupid? A bunch of crappy things have happened tonight, all over the place. Now I'm feeling sick from it on top of my physical illness. I hate people, honestly. I hate all of them.

[BeatriceBlue]

I have allowed myself to get so wrapped up in the label of this diagnosis, I find it difficult to even define what my goals are. I used to have an image in my head of what healthy might look like, but now I stare at those 9 symptoms and try to figure out which ones will be easiest to push off.

Today is a day where it's hard to remember I'm more than a diagnosis.

[Lonlin3zz]

I wish to grow up faster, so I can let go of things easily, on the other hand, I don't wish to grow up faster as I have a lot to discover what lies ahead.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

There's nothing I love more than my sister calling me up past midnight to see how I'm doing... While drunk. Not only do I feel unimportant but her advice or whatever you call it, is ******. She doesn't understand me. She rattles off some alanon catch phrase. I turn off. No one understands me except my T. No one understands this unless they have it. Not just the depression but also the bpd.

Interestingly she's the second person I've had to talk to today that was drunk off their ***. The first person was the president of my home group. I was early as usual and he approaches me and hands me the key to the church. "Here. This is yours now." He tells me he's been drinking but not using drugs... Give it time, I think. Told me he's too drunk to come to the meeting. I told him that it didn't matter. I've seen people falling over in their seats due to using drugs. He wouldn't hear it. So I let him drive off drunk. Nothing I could do really.

Anyway, all of this ******** doesn't help my depression. I'm hoping work will improve my mood tomorrow.

Originally Posted by ushichan

So, my friends really like to complain about how they're not liked by enough people. One of them has over 5k followers on Instagram and is recognized and gets pictures taken of her at cons all the time no matter what character she's cosplaying, and then she complains that she's "not pretty enough for 10k" all while she's steadily gaining followers. The other has over 800 followers on Instagram, and is very well liked in general. People take lots of pictures of her, too. But she complains that she doesn't have enough followers.

I get it. I used to write a blog back in the day. Like, way back...about 2004-2006ish, right around the time when people like like Jenny Lawson, Stephanie Klein, and Heather B. Armstrong were super-popular (I'm kinda old). But anyway. The point is that I used to write a blog. It was basically just my own musings and a way to "get out of my own head." It was popular--not to the point that I was being offered book deals or got ad revenue (though I was never smart enough to put ads up), but to the point that I was being asked to write for other, bigger blogs, and being noticed by some of the bloggers who were actually making money from their writing. It still wasn't enough. I would spend hours on writing only to delete what I'd written minutes after posting. I had comments and hits, but if a certain handful of people didn't comment or read or notice me the way I wanted them to, then I was depressed.

My point is that people who base their self-worth on outside validation will always need to have more of that validation in order to survive. There is never a finite amount. I had just entered probably the darkest point of my life back then, and I had no other validation--what I got online was it. Things are completely different, now, but I still find myself thinking this way sometimes. I have to limit my Facebook interaction quite a bit because of the fact that I can get too caught up in who is "liking" my status and who isn't...and that isn't reality.

tl;dr...One of the most important things I've learned over the years is to learn the difference between people who truly want to know you, and people who are just curious. There will be precious few of the former, and an insane amount of the latter. Just because someone has 5K followers doesn't mean they all want to know her. And just because you have <150 doesn't mean you aren't worth getting to know, or that the right people won't come along. Sometimes it just takes an annoying amount of patience.

Thank you misskeena!!! That's really nice to hear. I'm not a patient person, but I'm just going to have to be sometimes, right? Heheh.

Today I got my hearing aids after years of waiting for them, and I also got the new Project Mirai DX 3DS game, which is a ton of fun!!!!!
I nearly 100%-ed Deep-Sea Girl, which is one of my favorite Miku songs. I also have the Deep-Sea Girl figure, which is pretty rare to find nowadays, and she's SO beautiful. I love Deep-Sea Girl!!
I hope Senbonzakura is on PMDX... That would be absolutely amazing.

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[BadWolfC]

Had a meh weekend. Went out of town to visit friends, and one of them got on my nerves to the point where she almost ruined the entire trip. I'm still upset about it, and I'm going to probably dis-invite her to my wedding. It was hard being away from home without my fiance too. He had to stay and work... I'm a little mad at him too because he did some stupid stuff while I was gone. But I'm just glad to be home with him now.

On the bright side, I now know that I won't be going back there again because I don't miss anything. All my bad memories can stay buried. I also still enjoy my job, and I'm thinking about what I can do once it's over because it's seasonal. I want to try and keep working, even if it might be hard. Somehow through all the crap that's gone on recently I've found some more faith in myself, and I really needed it.

Well, I graduate from nursing school in 5 1/2 weeks...my pinning ceremony is October 23. I can't believe that it's finally almost here, and I honestly am not totally sure what I want to do. I have submitted my resume to my current employer, and that's pretty much it. I think that, a year ago, I had a pretty clear picture of what I wanted to do in my mind. Now that it's almost here, I'm 5 1/2 weeks from finishing something important for the first time in my life (I do have one degree, but it's arbitrary--only because I have meandered through school long enough to have enough credits), I'm finding that there are so many roads I could take, I don't know which one is the right one. I think I'm afraid of making a mistake, because I've made so many in the past.

I know I don't want to get stuck in a rut. I've complained that I've felt trapped for the last decade, and I've not had a viable way to remedy that. Now I do. I mean, not immediately (I'd thought of finding a job outside of my region immediately, but I soon deemed that unwise for a number of reasons), but within the near future. And I just want to make the decisions that are going to lead to a better, different future than the one I was headed toward prior to going back to school.

Does that make sense?

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by misskeena

Well, I graduate from nursing school in 5 1/2 weeks...my pinning ceremony is October 23. I can't believe that it's finally almost here, and I honestly am not totally sure what I want to do. I have submitted my resume to my current employer, and that's pretty much it. I think that, a year ago, I had a pretty clear picture of what I wanted to do in my mind. Now that it's almost here, I'm 5 1/2 weeks from finishing something important for the first time in my life (I do have one degree, but it's arbitrary--only because I have meandered through school long enough to have enough credits), I'm finding that there are so many roads I could take, I don't know which one is the right one. I think I'm afraid of making a mistake, because I've made so many in the past.

I know I don't want to get stuck in a rut. I've complained that I've felt trapped for the last decade, and I've not had a viable way to remedy that. Now I do. I mean, not immediately (I'd thought of finding a job outside of my region immediately, but I soon deemed that unwise for a number of reasons), but within the near future. And I just want to make the decisions that are going to lead to a better, different future than the one I was headed toward prior to going back to school.

Does that make sense?

I'm really happy for you but I have no answer except I do understand your concerns.

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

I'm really happy for you but I have no answer except I do understand your concerns.

That's okay. There is no right or easy answer really, there are just decisions to be made and paths to be chosen.

Thank you for the reply!

[Bill3]

I'm so happy for you, MissKeena!

[Chuva]

So, I was silent for some weeks, partly because I was terribly busy with work and with the relocation, partly because I felt fine and didn't feel I needed to check in here.

Yesterday I went to Rome for my first real appointment with a T, I don't know yet if she is going to be my actual T or not, because she is very busy so she will let me know in due time. She says we have to see each other 4-5 more times in order to better understand my issues and needs. That's fine to me.

I told her I feel bad almost every evening, explained to her what I feel and she told me this is a dissociative symptom called depersonalization. I have suffered from it in the past but it was very different, at that time I couldn't feel my body at all, not even if I touched it. This time it is very different, but she says this is it anyway. I really liked her, so I tend to think what she says is true. But it scared me like hell to know I might have such symptoms without even being aware of it.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I'm not sure if I can hate myself any more than I do right now. I am so ****ing stupid!