Holy crap. Hoooooly crap. My friend won't respond to my messages and she KNOWS that I can't handle it and my last message asked "are u okay??" and she read it and STILL DIDN'T RESPOND. I'm beyond angry, she can't do this to me. My friends can't do this to me.

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[HD7970GHZ]

I have found that people who you think you can trust cannot be trusted. Everyone disappoints you. That whole concept that if we do not hold high expectations on relationships - we will not be absolutely destroyed when they make mistakes - is starting to feel more and more ineffective to me. It's as though I no longer have faith that I will ever meet a genuine human being who is capable of understanding my pain and who won't hurt me again and again...

My family is NOT trustworthy. My friends no longer care. It's becoming the worst possible scenario and I don't know how much longer I can continue. I need someone to come into my life and prove to me that people can be trusted. Otherwise I think my time is up.

[puzzclar]

I'm going to be written up again at work.... I think I need a new job. I'm at work and I am not loving tonight.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Looking forward to seeing my therapist on Thursday. I am hoping he will be pleased with most of the things I've done the last two weeks. After I went to the gym today I came home and signed up for 3 different yoga classes to try this week. It's a new studio so I don't know which kind will be best for me. I really want to talk to him about my raging hormones and my crush on my friend. I talked a little about it in the last appointment but I did exactly what he told me NOT to do. Maybe if I can make myself read more of the book I will learn how to not put energy into these feelings. Right now I'm feeling aroused just thinking about seeing her tomorrow. I'm hoping she is wearing a low cut top. I sound just like some creepy guy.

Possible trigger:

My dad just walked in on me cutting myself. That's 2 years of recovery down the drain, and my DAD had to be the first to know.

I'm so sick of everything. I can't sleep and I have school tomorrow, I'm going to freaking explode.

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[BadWolfC]

Not having a good day... I went to work this morning and became so distressed about being there that I started to feel really sick and went home. I think it's finally hitting me that I can't do this... I'm only working 3 days a week (16 hours at most) and I can't even handle that. I had a friend tell me I should try to get on disability a few months ago, and now I think she was right. I haven't been able to hold a job for more than a few months in the past two years, and in that time I've been unemployed 3 times for a grand total of 12 months if you add them all up, all because of things like what is happening to me now. I just get too stressed... doesn't matter what kind of job it is, I just can't handle it and it starts ruining my life. I'm so depressed right now because of it...

I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't quit this job and that makes being there even worse. It's like I'm trapped and I can't do anything about it. I think I should try to get disability, but I know that it would take a while, if I'm even approved. I think I'm just going to have to try to deal with everything until then... I just don't really know how anymore.

Honestly, why does no one like me. Like, nobody likes me and it's not even just my brain telling me that. I've had so many different online and irl personalities and every single one of them was ignored or looked down upon and I have no freaking clue why.
I'm sick of this s**t happening all the time, I see people posting s**t about their friends and stuff on Instagram and not including me even though I should be in there, people on Facebook are replacing me with other people that cosplay my characters, and people just don't freaking talk to me. I'm so sick of it. Honestly.

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[Lonlin3zz]

Originally Posted by ushichan

Honestly, why does no one like me. Like, nobody likes me and it's not even just my brain telling me that. I've had so many different online and irl personalities and every single one of them was ignored or looked down upon and I have no freaking clue why.
I'm sick of this s**t happening all the time, I see people posting s**t about their friends and stuff on Instagram and not including me even though I should be in there, people on Facebook are replacing me with other people that cosplay my characters, and people just don't freaking talk to me. I'm so sick of it. Honestly.

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You're a unique person who doesn't go along with the ignorant crowd that talks **** about others or even post shits. Honestly, I'm grateful that both of us are in the same boat, that nobody talks **** about. Seriously, I rather not attract that wrong kind of attention. Even if someone does it behind your back, just take it as they are just simple creatures that need to talk behind people's back to make themselves feel worthier.

I can really f****** understand the shits you are going through right now. I'm just sorry I am born in a different location, otherwise I could just warmly comfort you.

I am having so many different sorts of personality online and irl, like I've downloaded data from other humans. But thing is, go for the best personality in you as well as being yourself. For example, I can have lets say 3 different kind of personality, A,B,C. Sometimes I exhibit 10% A, 45% B, 45%C. Sometimes the percentage change for no f****** reasons. I'm full of randomness, like as though it's an off-specification factory product. But I tell myself I can retain the good values and principles that I abide by, that's all matters.

My classmates and friends finds my sense of humour is ******, but people over the game just "laughs" as my jokes. Really, I can't even explain this ****.

I'm just at a stage that I appreciate people that look out for me, and that I am just numb to haters that I don't even bother wasting energy on them.

[Lonlin3zz]

So far so good today. The S thoughts is slowly fading, and to be honest I am more than happy that the odds are in my favor today, the rational thoughts to counter these S and craiglist thoughts is surprisingly working today.

Hope it'll stay this way, but not sure if the anonymous girl I sent a message asking for her to watch the sunset (no S intentions) would reply to my email.

Kinda messed up life I am having now.

[BadWolfC]

Scheduled an appointment with a therapist today... I don't exactly have much faith that it'll help much given my past experiences with therapists, but I can't exactly sit here and not do anything while my mind tears me to pieces. I wish it wasn't so difficult to find good mental health professionals here... It makes everything more difficult.

[Lonlin3zz]

Being heavy distracted by work is temporary, when it comes to night time, I get more desperate as each day pass.

Just drowning in a sea of emotion that I can't swim out of.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I really had good intentions to do the right thing today in regards to my friend but as soon as she walked into receiving this morning I totally forgot where I was. I could not turn away. I couldn't focus on what my employee was trying to tell me. I tried to, but I kept staring. She had on this really low cut top on and it looked amazing on her. She has such a nice cleavage. When I approached her to talk alone I said, "I really like that top on you. You look great!" She replied, "I thought about you when I put it on this morning." What does that mean? Did she put it on because it asked her yesterday if any of the new tops she bought were low cut? I was flirting.

I feel like I'm in love but I can't be. I don't think I know what love is. This feels just like it did with my T except her boundaries are less strict. I know that because of the conversation I had with her today.

I went to lunch just before noon so I could be there while she was there. She walked in and it was great to see her. She sat down with her lunch and she gave me one of her two apples and one of her two eggs. I don't remember what else she had. Maybe a chicken breast. Anyway, I told her that my T was happy with the things that I've been working on over the past 2 weeks. Then I said, "I talked about you. I told him about my crush on you. He doesn't want me to get hurt." She said, "I don't want you to get hurt either." I said, "I don't care if I get hurt." She asked if this was a new kind of self injury. I told her that no I actually have 160 days without cutting and 5 months clean today. She smiled and said she was very happy for me.

I was trying really hard to not look at her chest but I just couldn't stop. She was eating an apple with almond butter and I was imagining licking the almond butter off of her chest. I want her so badly. I don't really remember how the conversation progressed but I remember telling her that I love her and that I don't feel that I am treating her with love or respect when I lust after her. She didn't understand and she said that I was judging myself too harshly and that she didn't feel disrespected. I feel good about that but in my head I just hear that as an excuse to continue. The conversation then went to boundaries we talked about boundaries and I asked her what her boundaries were with me. I told her I needed to know at what point she would tell me no. She said I won't have sex with you. I feel like that gives me a lot of leeway, still it's not healthy for me. Does that mean that she'd kiss me? What constitutes sex in her mind? Finally, towards the end of our lunch break somehow I'm talking about her chest and how I was looking at it and she smiled and said, "Yeah, you need to stop that." Though she's right, she is giving me mixed messages. Am I finally pushing too far? My T says that with each comment I say that I am just testing the waters and that so far all is well. So is looking at her breasts too much? Maybe I'm just "splitting hairs" here and I just need to stop no matter what. I guess I don't want to stop or I would.

I asked another friend, "What did I think about before I was focused on •••? Being the good friend that she is, she answered honestly and said, "your T." I knew that she was right. That disturbs me. This is what my life is. It's a series of people who I obsess over, fall in love with, whatever. I want to be free from this. I'm tired of feeling such heartache and pain being separated from these people. I'm going to finish the book this weekend. I hope that there's an answer in there for me because I don't want to go on like this anymore. I don't. I'm done. I feel like a desperate, lonely, horny, loser.

Nasty mood swings for everyone!!!!
I'm having a mood swing because I couldn't find anything good to eat for dinner.

Possible trigger:

I feel like I want to kill everyone in my house, idk.

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[Lonlin3zz]

After consecutive days of being desperate to find someone over a dating site for an emotion-induced hook-up, I have been feeling more or less stable since yesterday.

I hope to keep it this way with my rational thoughts, I have to prevent myself from engaging in these stuff.

[Rosegirl22]

Hating being awake rn. If i could I'd sleep 24/7. So im laying in bed with my 2 year old while he plays on my tablet. I suck at this.

[BadWolfC]

Another day of sitting here doing nothing, waiting for my fiance to get home from work. Kind of annoyed because someone asked me for advice then refused to listen to me. Oh well... not like what you do in your life matters to me anyway.

Wish I had friends here so I wouldn't be alone with my thoughts... but at the same time, I don't. Kind of nice not to have any social obligations to anyone besides my family and fiance. Maybe I just wish I had money so I could go do something fun... Need to leave my apartment more often.

Bought more s**t last night because I got stressed out. Luckily it was something I wanted and am looking forward to, but I really don't have the money for this and since I'm in the middle of switching jobs I need to REEEEEALLY get a hold on this money situation.

Also, my mom is so f**king annoying, I have a headache. Ugh...

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[BadWolfC]

Fiance just called me as he was leaving work saying he was going to go over to a coworker's house, who he's never hung out with before and who I haven't met, and would be home in an hour. I told him that it wasn't ok, and he later said he "was trying to find more stuff for us to do" because he knows I'm bored... If you were trying to find things for US to do, maybe you should have invited me to begin with... I feel all wrong, I haven't been upset with him over anything in a very long time, and it makes me more sad than anything else...

[Britneigh]

I'm alive if anyone was wondering lol. Its been busy, feeling pretty cruddy lately about things lately...but plugging along.

[BadWolfC]

Had a job interview today. Nothing too great, just fast food but the interview went well so I'll hopefully be able to get the job. One of the few jobs I ever had that I liked was similar to this, so I'm hoping I can keep it and that it won't drive me crazy like the last few jobs have... I think I've just been so depressed with working because I keep getting jobs that I hate because they pay more. I've stopped worrying about money for now, just trying to find something I can do, so hopefully that will help...

[loveyouhun]

I'm tired today and want to sleep too. I'm taking Tradozone 100 mg, Prozac 89 mg, Clonazepam 1mg ( as needed) and Diazepam (for procedures).

[Lonlin3zz]

I yearn to return to my stable self, of no thoughts on online-dating/hook-ups.

Sending out PMs and only to receive blue-ticks, hurts a lot. The acknowledgement isn't even there. I'm just showing my care for someone who is heart-broken or anxious like me.

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

Spent the last week in the psych ward of the hospital. My first night back home isn't going great so far. I keep bursting into tears and I just feel lost and lonely.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Yet another day at work lusting after my friend.

She was only at work 10 minutes and in my head I was already beside myself. She was wearing yet another low cut top. I saw her from a distance. She saw me looking at her and waved with a smile. I nodded at her and went back to receiving. She came back to receiving and said hi. I said hello back and tried to appear indifferent but not rude. I thought, "I can do this." I was able to observe the feelings I was having and I just took a mental note of them. The rest of the day went just like it used to before my crush. Then she decides, I don't know why, to take down some boxes that were stored up high. This meant that she climbed the ladder, grabbed a box, and then leaned over to hand it down to me. She did this several times. I saw a lot more than I ever have. It just made me lose my composure and I was grinning from ear to ear. She was smiling back at me. She had to know that she was flashing me. When she came down the ladder she was asking me a question but I couldn't focus one bit. I just said, "Huh?" She mocked me and said, "Huh? Did you not understand me?" I said, "No and you know why. You distracted me." I'll try again tomorrow.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

Yet another day at work lusting after my friend.

She was only at work 10 minutes and in my head I was already beside myself. She was wearing yet another low cut top. I saw her from a distance. She saw me looking at her and waved with a smile. I nodded at her and went back to receiving. She came back to receiving and said hi. I said hello back and tried to appear indifferent but not rude. I thought, "I can do this." I was able to observe the feelings I was having and I just took a mental note of them. The rest of the day went just like it used to before my crush. Then she decides, I don't know why, to take down some boxes that were stored up high. This meant that she climbed the ladder, grabbed a box, and then leaned over to hand it down to me. She did this several times. I saw a lot more than I ever have. It just made me lose my composure and I was grinning from ear to ear. She was smiling back at me. She had to know that she was flashing me. When she came down the ladder she was asking me a question but I couldn't focus one bit. I just said, "Huh?" She mocked me and said, "Huh? Did you not understand me?" I said, "No and you know why. You distracted me." I'll try again tomorrow.

dont know how you feel about me saying this, but i am concerned this woman is using your attraction to her as a game. maybe i am paranoid (ok i know im a paranoid person!) but some of me questions her reasons for leading you on like this. just a thought. hang in there