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#1
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Sorry that this is a bit lengthy. I once made a post about this on the anxiety forum because I didn't know that this was due to my BPD until my last pdoc visit. Anyway..I'm in a really, really bad place. I'm completely dependent on my boyfriend for my sanity. He works night shift, so he's at work when normally I'd be in bed. As soon as he leaves, I feel terrible anxiety building up inside of me and when I try to eventually sleep, I wake up every hour, sometimes even less, and anxiously check my phone to see if he's texted me. Usually he responds to me and it puts me at ease and I then go back to sleep until I wake up an hour later with the same anxiety. Sometimes though, he's busy and can't respond to my texts or calls. When that happens, I get severe panic attacks where I can't stop crying and kicking/punching around. I just flail around desperately and feel so certain that he's never coming home; that something must have happened to him. It feels like the end of the world and that I'm going to be forced to live alone with absolutely no one to take care of me. He's my lifeline. I have no idea how to function without him and I can't stand being separated from him. The only thing that calms my panic attack is when he responds to me. Otherwise, it continues on and on and gets progressively worse the more time passes.
These panic attacks don't occur only when I'm in bed, though. I've had them no matter what time of day. I've even had them when he got up to get popcorn at the movie theater and was gone for maybe 10 minutes while I sat in my seat. I started texting him and he couldn't respond at that moment so I started crying and did everything I could to prevent anyone else from hearing. He returned soon after, so luckily it did not get to the point where I couldn't vocally control myself. Sometimes I cry so hard I'm practically yelling. The same thing happened at our public pool, both times we went. He was changing in the men's locker room and since I had to go through the women's locker room, we were separated for 10 minutes because the men's locker room was crowded and held him up. I was waiting on the steps a few feet from the pool and that familiar crippling anxiety started building up inside of me. I immediately thought he was never coming back and that it was a huge mistake to let him out of my line of sight. I tried to distract myself by stepping inside the pool a moment, but I felt even worse because I thought "we were supposed to do this together. why am I alone?" I got out and started pacing frantically back and forth, feeling more and more anxious by the second. I knew I was going to cry but tried my hardest not to. I guess I must have looked as anxious as I felt because a lady asked me if I was ok and if I was looking for someone. I told her that I was, and she tried reassuring me that the men's locker room was packed that day. I appreciated her efforts but I still panicked until I saw him return. I have many more examples of this, but they are all relatively the same: he's gone for x amount of time, and I feel he's never coming back and break down. For me, this is the absolute worst part of BPD. I feel like a helpless child. I had one of these severe panic attacks last night when he didn't respond to my calls. I'm hardly able to sleep at all anymore and I'm constantly exhausted, which of course amplifies my mental exhaustion as well. |
![]() avlady, Fuzzybear, irlsupergirl, kamikazebaby
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#2
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![]() avlady
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![]() Pastel Kitten
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#3
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I don't want to say I understand this word for word, but I understand where you're coming from in a way. I get that way with friends I depend on and require them to text me back immediately or I'll start assuming they hate me even after like a... Two minute wait? Then commences the freak outs, the panic attacks, the sobbing...
![]() And of course, they don't mean to ignore me because they have class or work but I always assume the worst and get very paranoid. I'm sorry you're experiencing so much pain from this. I hope you're boyfriend is supportive and understanding. |
![]() avlady
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![]() Pastel Kitten
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#4
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Are you addressing this irrational fear in therapy?
This must be hell for the both of you, I'm so sorry you guys are having to deal with such an unrelenting issue.
__________________
![]() DXD BP1, BPD & OCPD ![]() |
![]() avlady
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![]() Pastel Kitten
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#5
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I rely heavily on my husband to accompany me on even mundane tasks, like filling a prescription or picking up a few things at the grocery store. As I've improved my anxiety, it has improved slightly but that need is definitely still there.
Also, when he goes out with his friends, I get a similar crippling fear as to what you described. Rationally, I have no problem with him going out with his friends without me and I trust him, but a deep, inherent fear that he'll do something to betray or abandon me always comes up. I'm sorry this is so hard for both of you. Be kind to yourself. |
![]() avlady
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![]() Pastel Kitten
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#6
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DBT is helping me with self soothing and takes you through emotional regulation & distress tolerance; the book is made for BPD. I bought it on Amazon here: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/157224...s=dbt+workbook Maybe you can go through the book when you cant sleep?
__________________
Fully & completely trapped inside myself. Clawing but there's no way out. |
![]() avlady
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![]() Pastel Kitten, Trippin2.0
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#7
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I'm not in therapy yet because I was only recently diagnosed with BPD at my last pdoc appointment. I plan on finding a therapist ASAP and this will be brought up with her right away. This sounds stupid but even thinking of taking another medication gives me anxiety (I'm on mood stabilizers for bipolar), ever since I had an awful experience on saphris which was supposed to help ease it, but gave me anxiety even worse than what I already deal with. I expressed this to my pdoc and she said that a lot of people with BPD are non compliant but I'm not trying to be....I'm just genuinely anxious about it.
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![]() avlady, kamikazebaby
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#8
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Well in all honesty I personally don't know how to help you.
For me, I combat these types of situations with logic, before they spiral out of control, and even then they're highly uncomfortable and even down right painful, but doesn't seem like your brain leaves any space for logic. Thus your sheer terror at him even being in the men's room for too long. Have you ever tried talking yourself down when the anxiety is just settling in? Like do you try to convince yourself with reality and remind yourself that his absence is temporary and it can't actually kill you? That while it feels bad, its not life threatening? Or do you automatically turn to him to sooth you? I ask because for one, when we can't self-sooth, we leave the door to pain and panic wide open and become overly dependent on the external source of soothing. People aren't available 24/7, and people can and do disappoint us. And two, if there's only one person soothing you, they will eventually reach burn out and have no soothing left to give you. I really wish I could be more helpful. Willing to listen and distract as well as I can though.
__________________
![]() DXD BP1, BPD & OCPD ![]() |
![]() avlady
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![]() Pastel Kitten
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#9
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__________________
please don't make any sudden moves we don't deal with outsiders very well Listening to: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list...SBuNDsHkQN_HUW ![]() |
![]() avlady
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![]() Pastel Kitten
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#10
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__________________
please don't make any sudden moves we don't deal with outsiders very well Listening to: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list...SBuNDsHkQN_HUW ![]() |
![]() avlady
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![]() Pastel Kitten
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#11
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Hi Kitten.
Here in Costa Rica I have a very loving cat. She makes me feel so good. A little purr factory. And a dog. Very sensitive and doesn't bark. She's also a little needy and can take 10 min of non stop attention. I too check my eml every hour. But I know the whole world doesn't stop just because I'm needy. If you can't have a pet, visit a private animal rescue center. The love you give will be returned 10 fold!
__________________
![]() Day Vraylar 3 mg. Wellbutrin 150 Night meds Temazepam 30 mg or lorazepam Hasn't helped yet. From sunny California! |
![]() Pastel Kitten
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#12
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![]() kamikazebaby
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#13
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![]() kamikazebaby
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#14
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__________________
please don't make any sudden moves we don't deal with outsiders very well Listening to: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list...SBuNDsHkQN_HUW ![]() |
![]() Pastel Kitten
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![]() Pastel Kitten
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#15
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__________________
please don't make any sudden moves we don't deal with outsiders very well Listening to: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list...SBuNDsHkQN_HUW ![]() |
![]() lostinsidemyself
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#16
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Fear of abandonment rule my thoughts. And i think it makes it worse because its partely from reality, my entirity of my family left because i told the truth, to them im a "crazy liar". Bleh!
__________________
Fully & completely trapped inside myself. Clawing but there's no way out. |
![]() kamikazebaby, Pastel Kitten
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#17
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__________________
Fully & completely trapped inside myself. Clawing but there's no way out. |
![]() kamikazebaby
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#18
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![]() kamikazebaby
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#19
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I test people, too, of course. "I won't give you what you want. Still here? Well, let me show you who you think you care about." People often only seem to want me or want to be close to me if I'm not attached. The minute I show any sign of investment, they're gone. Oh, for sure, these fears come from previous traumatic experiences, so it's not like we can just dismiss them. Not to mention the highly conditional regard some of us have had to endure. If you never know what it's like to really be loved, much less unconditionally....well. The world is a scary place where good things are scarce.
__________________
please don't make any sudden moves we don't deal with outsiders very well Listening to: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list...SBuNDsHkQN_HUW ![]() |
![]() lostinsidemyself
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![]() Pastel Kitten
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#20
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Well thank you.
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__________________
please don't make any sudden moves we don't deal with outsiders very well Listening to: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list...SBuNDsHkQN_HUW ![]() |
#21
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"Here's some of my 'nasty-ness...still there? Here's some more! Still there? Let me just show you all of it...oh that scared you away!" Seems to be the theme of my life. Poking at people to see how much of me they can take. ![]()
__________________
Fully & completely trapped inside myself. Clawing but there's no way out. |
![]() dancinglady
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![]() dancinglady, kamikazebaby, Pastel Kitten
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#22
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![]() kamikazebaby
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![]() kamikazebaby
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#23
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__________________
please don't make any sudden moves we don't deal with outsiders very well Listening to: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list...SBuNDsHkQN_HUW ![]() |
![]() Pastel Kitten
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#24
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When it comes to guys I totally do that "you dont want to date me because of this, this, and most especially THAT!" Give you a little, then a little more, then more.... ![]() ***Sigh*** How do we stop doing that again?
__________________
Fully & completely trapped inside myself. Clawing but there's no way out. |
![]() Pastel Kitten
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![]() kamikazebaby
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#25
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Wow, so much to relate to today. I also think of myself as a monster - some kind of nameless chimera.
__________________
please don't make any sudden moves we don't deal with outsiders very well Listening to: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list...SBuNDsHkQN_HUW ![]() |
![]() lostinsidemyself
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