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Old Feb 17, 2016, 09:10 AM
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Pastel Kitten Pastel Kitten is offline
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Sorry that this is a bit lengthy. I once made a post about this on the anxiety forum because I didn't know that this was due to my BPD until my last pdoc visit. Anyway..I'm in a really, really bad place. I'm completely dependent on my boyfriend for my sanity. He works night shift, so he's at work when normally I'd be in bed. As soon as he leaves, I feel terrible anxiety building up inside of me and when I try to eventually sleep, I wake up every hour, sometimes even less, and anxiously check my phone to see if he's texted me. Usually he responds to me and it puts me at ease and I then go back to sleep until I wake up an hour later with the same anxiety. Sometimes though, he's busy and can't respond to my texts or calls. When that happens, I get severe panic attacks where I can't stop crying and kicking/punching around. I just flail around desperately and feel so certain that he's never coming home; that something must have happened to him. It feels like the end of the world and that I'm going to be forced to live alone with absolutely no one to take care of me. He's my lifeline. I have no idea how to function without him and I can't stand being separated from him. The only thing that calms my panic attack is when he responds to me. Otherwise, it continues on and on and gets progressively worse the more time passes.

These panic attacks don't occur only when I'm in bed, though. I've had them no matter what time of day. I've even had them when he got up to get popcorn at the movie theater and was gone for maybe 10 minutes while I sat in my seat. I started texting him and he couldn't respond at that moment so I started crying and did everything I could to prevent anyone else from hearing. He returned soon after, so luckily it did not get to the point where I couldn't vocally control myself. Sometimes I cry so hard I'm practically yelling.

The same thing happened at our public pool, both times we went. He was changing in the men's locker room and since I had to go through the women's locker room, we were separated for 10 minutes because the men's locker room was crowded and held him up. I was waiting on the steps a few feet from the pool and that familiar crippling anxiety started building up inside of me. I immediately thought he was never coming back and that it was a huge mistake to let him out of my line of sight. I tried to distract myself by stepping inside the pool a moment, but I felt even worse because I thought "we were supposed to do this together. why am I alone?" I got out and started pacing frantically back and forth, feeling more and more anxious by the second. I knew I was going to cry but tried my hardest not to. I guess I must have looked as anxious as I felt because a lady asked me if I was ok and if I was looking for someone. I told her that I was, and she tried reassuring me that the men's locker room was packed that day. I appreciated her efforts but I still panicked until I saw him return.

I have many more examples of this, but they are all relatively the same: he's gone for x amount of time, and I feel he's never coming back and break down. For me, this is the absolute worst part of BPD. I feel like a helpless child. I had one of these severe panic attacks last night when he didn't respond to my calls. I'm hardly able to sleep at all anymore and I'm constantly exhausted, which of course amplifies my mental exhaustion as well.
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Do at least one thing you enjoy each day.

Severe separation anxiety

Dx: BPD, OCD, GAD, and PTSD traits
Rx: Lamictal 200mg and 0.5mg Ativan as needed



"Now I can see all the colors that you see."
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  #2  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 12:32 PM
dancinglady dancinglady is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten View Post
Sorry that this is a bit lengthy. I once made a post about this on the anxiety forum because I didn't know that this was due to my BPD until my last pdoc visit. Anyway..I'm in a really, really bad place. I'm completely dependent on my boyfriend for my sanity. He works night shift, so he's at work when normally I'd be in bed. As soon as he leaves, I feel terrible anxiety building up inside of me and when I try to eventually sleep, I wake up every hour, sometimes even less, and anxiously check my phone to see if he's texted me. Usually he responds to me and it puts me at ease and I then go back to sleep until I wake up an hour later with the same anxiety. Sometimes though, he's busy and can't respond to my texts or calls. When that happens, I get severe panic attacks where I can't stop crying and kicking/punching around. I just flail around desperately and feel so certain that he's never coming home; that something must have happened to him. It feels like the end of the world and that I'm going to be forced to live alone with absolutely no one to take care of me. He's my lifeline. I have no idea how to function without him and I can't stand being separated from him. The only thing that calms my panic attack is when he responds to me. Otherwise, it continues on and on and gets progressively worse the more time passes.

These panic attacks don't occur only when I'm in bed, though. I've had them no matter what time of day. I've even had them when he got up to get popcorn at the movie theater and was gone for maybe 10 minutes while I sat in my seat. I started texting him and he couldn't respond at that moment so I started crying and did everything I could to prevent anyone else from hearing. He returned soon after, so luckily it did not get to the point where I couldn't vocally control myself. Sometimes I cry so hard I'm practically yelling.

The same thing happened at our public pool, both times we went. He was changing in the men's locker room and since I had to go through the women's locker room, we were separated for 10 minutes because the men's locker room was crowded and held him up. I was waiting on the steps a few feet from the pool and that familiar crippling anxiety started building up inside of me. I immediately thought he was never coming back and that it was a huge mistake to let him out of my line of sight. I tried to distract myself by stepping inside the pool a moment, but I felt even worse because I thought "we were supposed to do this together. why am I alone?" I got out and started pacing frantically back and forth, feeling more and more anxious by the second. I knew I was going to cry but tried my hardest not to. I guess I must have looked as anxious as I felt because a lady asked me if I was ok and if I was looking for someone. I told her that I was, and she tried reassuring me that the men's locker room was packed that day. I appreciated her efforts but I still panicked until I saw him return.

I have many more examples of this, but they are all relatively the same: he's gone for x amount of time, and I feel he's never coming back and break down. For me, this is the absolute worst part of BPD. I feel like a helpless child. I had one of these severe panic attacks last night when he didn't respond to my calls. I'm hardly able to sleep at all anymore and I'm constantly exhausted, which of course amplifies my mental exhaustion as well.
I am so sorry that you are suffering so much.
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  #3  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 02:54 PM
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irlsupergirl irlsupergirl is offline
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I don't want to say I understand this word for word, but I understand where you're coming from in a way. I get that way with friends I depend on and require them to text me back immediately or I'll start assuming they hate me even after like a... Two minute wait? Then commences the freak outs, the panic attacks, the sobbing...

And of course, they don't mean to ignore me because they have class or work but I always assume the worst and get very paranoid.

I'm sorry you're experiencing so much pain from this. I hope you're boyfriend is supportive and understanding.
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  #4  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 04:24 PM
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Trippin2.0 Trippin2.0 is offline
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Are you addressing this irrational fear in therapy?


This must be hell for the both of you, I'm so sorry you guys are having to deal with such an unrelenting issue.
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"The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists in tact, is to realise, two out of three aint bad" FOB...
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  #5  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 08:23 PM
kelseashell kelseashell is offline
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I rely heavily on my husband to accompany me on even mundane tasks, like filling a prescription or picking up a few things at the grocery store. As I've improved my anxiety, it has improved slightly but that need is definitely still there.

Also, when he goes out with his friends, I get a similar crippling fear as to what you described. Rationally, I have no problem with him going out with his friends without me and I trust him, but a deep, inherent fear that he'll do something to betray or abandon me always comes up.

I'm sorry this is so hard for both of you. Be kind to yourself.
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  #6  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 08:34 PM
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lostinsidemyself lostinsidemyself is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten View Post
Sorry that this is a bit lengthy. I once made a post about this on the anxiety forum because I didn't know that this was due to my BPD until my last pdoc visit. Anyway..I'm in a really, really bad place. I'm completely dependent on my boyfriend for my sanity. He works night shift, so he's at work when normally I'd be in bed. As soon as he leaves, I feel terrible anxiety building up inside of me and when I try to eventually sleep, I wake up every hour, sometimes even less, and anxiously check my phone to see if he's texted me. Usually he responds to me and it puts me at ease and I then go back to sleep until I wake up an hour later with the same anxiety. Sometimes though, he's busy and can't respond to my texts or calls. When that happens, I get severe panic attacks where I can't stop crying and kicking/punching around. I just flail around desperately and feel so certain that he's never coming home; that something must have happened to him. It feels like the end of the world and that I'm going to be forced to live alone with absolutely no one to take care of me. He's my lifeline. I have no idea how to function without him and I can't stand being separated from him. The only thing that calms my panic attack is when he responds to me. Otherwise, it continues on and on and gets progressively worse the more time passes.

These panic attacks don't occur only when I'm in bed, though. I've had them no matter what time of day. I've even had them when he got up to get popcorn at the movie theater and was gone for maybe 10 minutes while I sat in my seat. I started texting him and he couldn't respond at that moment so I started crying and did everything I could to prevent anyone else from hearing. He returned soon after, so luckily it did not get to the point where I couldn't vocally control myself. Sometimes I cry so hard I'm practically yelling.

The same thing happened at our public pool, both times we went. He was changing in the men's locker room and since I had to go through the women's locker room, we were separated for 10 minutes because the men's locker room was crowded and held him up. I was waiting on the steps a few feet from the pool and that familiar crippling anxiety started building up inside of me. I immediately thought he was never coming back and that it was a huge mistake to let him out of my line of sight. I tried to distract myself by stepping inside the pool a moment, but I felt even worse because I thought "we were supposed to do this together. why am I alone?" I got out and started pacing frantically back and forth, feeling more and more anxious by the second. I knew I was going to cry but tried my hardest not to. I guess I must have looked as anxious as I felt because a lady asked me if I was ok and if I was looking for someone. I told her that I was, and she tried reassuring me that the men's locker room was packed that day. I appreciated her efforts but I still panicked until I saw him return.

I have many more examples of this, but they are all relatively the same: he's gone for x amount of time, and I feel he's never coming back and break down. For me, this is the absolute worst part of BPD. I feel like a helpless child. I had one of these severe panic attacks last night when he didn't respond to my calls. I'm hardly able to sleep at all anymore and I'm constantly exhausted, which of course amplifies my mental exhaustion as well.
I second the therapy question, and also add are you on an anxiety med? Maybe bring that up to your pDoc? I wouldnt be able to do anything, going off on everyone with red hot rage without it.

DBT is helping me with self soothing and takes you through emotional regulation & distress tolerance; the book is made for BPD. I bought it on Amazon here:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/157224...s=dbt+workbook

Maybe you can go through the book when you cant sleep?
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  #7  
Old Feb 18, 2016, 12:55 AM
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Pastel Kitten Pastel Kitten is offline
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I'm not in therapy yet because I was only recently diagnosed with BPD at my last pdoc appointment. I plan on finding a therapist ASAP and this will be brought up with her right away. This sounds stupid but even thinking of taking another medication gives me anxiety (I'm on mood stabilizers for bipolar), ever since I had an awful experience on saphris which was supposed to help ease it, but gave me anxiety even worse than what I already deal with. I expressed this to my pdoc and she said that a lot of people with BPD are non compliant but I'm not trying to be....I'm just genuinely anxious about it.
__________________
Do at least one thing you enjoy each day.

Severe separation anxiety

Dx: BPD, OCD, GAD, and PTSD traits
Rx: Lamictal 200mg and 0.5mg Ativan as needed



"Now I can see all the colors that you see."
Hugs from:
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  #8  
Old Feb 18, 2016, 05:53 AM
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Trippin2.0 Trippin2.0 is offline
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Well in all honesty I personally don't know how to help you.


For me, I combat these types of situations with logic, before they spiral out of control, and even then they're highly uncomfortable and even down right painful, but doesn't seem like your brain leaves any space for logic. Thus your sheer terror at him even being in the men's room for too long.


Have you ever tried talking yourself down when the anxiety is just settling in?


Like do you try to convince yourself with reality and remind yourself that his absence is temporary and it can't actually kill you? That while it feels bad, its not life threatening?


Or do you automatically turn to him to sooth you?


I ask because for one, when we can't self-sooth, we leave the door to pain and panic wide open and become overly dependent on the external source of soothing. People aren't available 24/7, and people can and do disappoint us.


And two, if there's only one person soothing you, they will eventually reach burn out and have no soothing left to give you.


I really wish I could be more helpful. Willing to listen and distract as well as I can though.
__________________


DXD BP1, BPD & OCPD

"The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists in tact, is to realise, two out of three aint bad" FOB...
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  #9  
Old Feb 18, 2016, 06:27 AM
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kamikazebaby kamikazebaby is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten View Post
I'm not in therapy yet because I was only recently diagnosed with BPD at my last pdoc appointment. I plan on finding a therapist ASAP and this will be brought up with her right away. This sounds stupid but even thinking of taking another medication gives me anxiety (I'm on mood stabilizers for bipolar), ever since I had an awful experience on saphris which was supposed to help ease it, but gave me anxiety even worse than what I already deal with. I expressed this to my pdoc and she said that a lot of people with BPD are non compliant but I'm not trying to be....I'm just genuinely anxious about it.
I wonder if Effexor would work for you? I've found it really takes the edge off of my anxiety and gives me a buffer from the abrasiveness of the outside world. (It really helps you tolerate distress if you aren't feeling it constantly like sandpaper on your nerves. Makes me want to scream, and I don't even have the separation anxiety like you do, so I can't even imagine how bad it is for you.)
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Severe separation anxiety
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  #10  
Old Feb 18, 2016, 06:33 AM
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kamikazebaby kamikazebaby is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trippin2.0 View Post
I ask because for one, when we can't self-sooth, we leave the door to pain and panic wide open and become overly dependent on the external source of soothing. People aren't available 24/7, and people can and do disappoint us.

And two, if there's only one person soothing you, they will eventually reach burn out and have no soothing left to give you.
PK, these things are very true, which just makes life harder to deal with (and relationships even more terrifying). I have worried for you before because of your dependence on only one person. Maybe with some anxiety medication and friends you can reach out to, it will help to balance things out.
__________________
please don't make any sudden moves
we don't deal with outsiders very well


Listening to: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list...SBuNDsHkQN_HUW

Severe separation anxiety
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  #11  
Old Feb 18, 2016, 06:34 AM
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Ocean Swimmer Ocean Swimmer is offline
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Location: Costa Rica
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Hi Kitten.

Here in Costa Rica I have a very loving cat. She makes me feel so good. A little purr factory.

And a dog. Very sensitive and doesn't bark. She's also a little needy and can take 10 min of non stop attention.

I too check my eml every hour. But I know the whole world doesn't stop just because I'm needy.

If you can't have a pet, visit a private animal rescue center. The love you give will be returned 10 fold!
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Pastel Kitten
  #12  
Old Feb 18, 2016, 10:06 AM
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Pastel Kitten Pastel Kitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trippin2.0 View Post
Well in all honesty I personally don't know how to help you.


For me, I combat these types of situations with logic, before they spiral out of control, and even then they're highly uncomfortable and even down right painful, but doesn't seem like your brain leaves any space for logic. Thus your sheer terror at him even being in the men's room for too long.


Have you ever tried talking yourself down when the anxiety is just settling in?


Like do you try to convince yourself with reality and remind yourself that his absence is temporary and it can't actually kill you? That while it feels bad, its not life threatening?


Or do you automatically turn to him to sooth you?


I ask because for one, when we can't self-sooth, we leave the door to pain and panic wide open and become overly dependent on the external source of soothing. People aren't available 24/7, and people can and do disappoint us.


And two, if there's only one person soothing you, they will eventually reach burn out and have no soothing left to give you.


I really wish I could be more helpful. Willing to listen and distract as well as I can though.
I've tried reasoning with it by saying things out loud to myself like "It's ok. He's just busy at work and he'll reply to me when he can" but the panic still consumes me regardless of any logical thought. I know that people aren't available 24/7 and I absolutely hate this dependency issue but I've had this for my entire life, actually. I even recall similar situations when I was 7 years old, like when my mom was out at the grocery store a bit later than I expected her to be and had a major breakdown on par with what I'm describing here, crying to my dad that my mom must have died (only for her to return perfectly safe, of course.)
__________________
Do at least one thing you enjoy each day.

Severe separation anxiety

Dx: BPD, OCD, GAD, and PTSD traits
Rx: Lamictal 200mg and 0.5mg Ativan as needed



"Now I can see all the colors that you see."
Hugs from:
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  #13  
Old Feb 18, 2016, 10:14 AM
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Pastel Kitten Pastel Kitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kamikazebaby View Post
PK, these things are very true, which just makes life harder to deal with (and relationships even more terrifying). I have worried for you before because of your dependence on only one person. Maybe with some anxiety medication and friends you can reach out to, it will help to balance things out.
The only friends I have are online. I haven't had actual friends in real life for 5 years because I drifted away from all but one childhood friend when I was 13 due to abuse and trauma within my family. I had a falling out with my last friend when I was 15, and reached out to almost no one in high school, then moved away to NYC with my boyfriend 2 years ago. I need physical friends but I'm not even capable of going places alone because of my anxiety, and my boyfriend is not available to take me places very often because of his schedule. He also doesn't ever hang out with his friends because he's too busy and he's the type of person who becomes pretty distant from people if he hasn't spoken to them in a while. They're also busy themselves. It all feels so hopeless...
__________________
Do at least one thing you enjoy each day.

Severe separation anxiety

Dx: BPD, OCD, GAD, and PTSD traits
Rx: Lamictal 200mg and 0.5mg Ativan as needed



"Now I can see all the colors that you see."
Hugs from:
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  #14  
Old Feb 18, 2016, 12:36 PM
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kamikazebaby kamikazebaby is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten View Post
I've tried reasoning with it by saying things out loud to myself like "It's ok. He's just busy at work and he'll reply to me when he can" but the panic still consumes me regardless of any logical thought. I know that people aren't available 24/7 and I absolutely hate this dependency issue but I've had this for my entire life, actually. I even recall similar situations when I was 7 years old, like when my mom was out at the grocery store a bit later than I expected her to be and had a major breakdown on par with what I'm describing here, crying to my dad that my mom must have died (only for her to return perfectly safe, of course.)
You're not alone, sweetie. Reasoning with such feelings when they're running high doesn't help me feel better, either. (And I hate when I tell the person in question my feelings and they just try to logic me out of them. I want to say, "Do you want me to punch you now, or wait until you finish your sentence?" Not that I really would punch someone anymore, but you get the drift.) I've been doing just that recently, actually, worrying about abandonment. All I can do at those times is try to practice distress tolerance, ride it out.
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Listening to: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list...SBuNDsHkQN_HUW

Severe separation anxiety
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  #15  
Old Feb 18, 2016, 12:44 PM
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kamikazebaby kamikazebaby is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten View Post
The only friends I have are online. I haven't had actual friends in real life for 5 years because I drifted away from all but one childhood friend when I was 13 due to abuse and trauma within my family. I had a falling out with my last friend when I was 15, and reached out to almost no one in high school, then moved away to NYC with my boyfriend 2 years ago. I need physical friends but I'm not even capable of going places alone because of my anxiety, and my boyfriend is not available to take me places very often because of his schedule. He also doesn't ever hang out with his friends because he's too busy and he's the type of person who becomes pretty distant from people if he hasn't spoken to them in a while. They're also busy themselves. It all feels so hopeless...
Are physical friends all that will help? Because if you wanted, you could text with me (if you have a cell?). I can't guarantee I'll always be there, but I could try. I text with my friends every single day. At least it would be more immediate than here and I'm someone who can understand some of what you go through. I'll PM you my number and you can choose, okay? I understand if you don't want to, but I thought I'd put the offer out there.
__________________
please don't make any sudden moves
we don't deal with outsiders very well


Listening to: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list...SBuNDsHkQN_HUW

Severe separation anxiety
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  #16  
Old Feb 18, 2016, 02:03 PM
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lostinsidemyself lostinsidemyself is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kamikazebaby View Post
worrying about abandonment. All I can do at those times is try to practice distress tolerance, ride it out.
Oh if thats what we are talking about, I do that ALL OF THE TIME. "Ive said too much, they are gonna go away like everyone else"...did it last night actually until 3:30am. Did that too my therapist for about 3 yrs, sorta 'testing" him to see if he was gonna end the sessions like 4 other free therapist and also 'tested' him about seduction as i did the 4 others where 2 of the 4 acted on it.

Fear of abandonment rule my thoughts. And i think it makes it worse because its partely from reality, my entirity of my family left because i told the truth, to them im a "crazy liar".

Bleh!
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  #17  
Old Feb 18, 2016, 02:05 PM
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lostinsidemyself lostinsidemyself is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kamikazebaby View Post
Are physical friends all that will help? Because if you wanted, you could text with me (if you have a cell?). I can't guarantee I'll always be there, but I could try. I text with my friends every single day. At least it would be more immediate than here and I'm someone who can understand some of what you go through. I'll PM you my number and you can choose, okay? I understand if you don't want to, but I thought I'd put the offer out there.
I think you are majorly awesome by the way!
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  #18  
Old Feb 18, 2016, 03:27 PM
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Pastel Kitten Pastel Kitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kamikazebaby View Post
Are physical friends all that will help? Because if you wanted, you could text with me (if you have a cell?). I can't guarantee I'll always be there, but I could try. I text with my friends every single day. At least it would be more immediate than here and I'm someone who can understand some of what you go through. I'll PM you my number and you can choose, okay? I understand if you don't want to, but I thought I'd put the offer out there.
Thank you. That means a lot to me.
__________________
Do at least one thing you enjoy each day.

Severe separation anxiety

Dx: BPD, OCD, GAD, and PTSD traits
Rx: Lamictal 200mg and 0.5mg Ativan as needed



"Now I can see all the colors that you see."
Hugs from:
kamikazebaby
  #19  
Old Feb 18, 2016, 05:40 PM
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kamikazebaby kamikazebaby is offline
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Originally Posted by lostinsidemyself View Post
Oh if thats what we are talking about, I do that ALL OF THE TIME. "Ive said too much, they are gonna go away like everyone else"...did it last night actually until 3:30am. Did that too my therapist for about 3 yrs, sorta 'testing" him to see if he was gonna end the sessions like 4 other free therapist and also 'tested' him about seduction as i did the 4 others where 2 of the 4 acted on it.

Fear of abandonment rule my thoughts. And i think it makes it worse because its partely from reality, my entirity of my family left because i told the truth, to them im a "crazy liar".

Bleh!
It's constant, yes? That's one of the reasons I just hate getting even a little attached. Inevitably I'm going to start obsessing over abandonment and it gets so very old. I need to immerse my heart in liquid nitrogen.

I test people, too, of course. "I won't give you what you want. Still here? Well, let me show you who you think you care about." People often only seem to want me or want to be close to me if I'm not attached. The minute I show any sign of investment, they're gone.

Oh, for sure, these fears come from previous traumatic experiences, so it's not like we can just dismiss them. Not to mention the highly conditional regard some of us have had to endure. If you never know what it's like to really be loved, much less unconditionally....well. The world is a scary place where good things are scarce.
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  #20  
Old Feb 18, 2016, 05:42 PM
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Originally Posted by lostinsidemyself View Post
I think you are majorly awesome by the way!
Well thank you.
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  #21  
Old Feb 19, 2016, 02:02 AM
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"I won't give you what you want. Still here? Well, let me show you who you think you care about."
I thought I was the only one that did that!

"Here's some of my 'nasty-ness...still there? Here's some more! Still there? Let me just show you all of it...oh that scared you away!"

Seems to be the theme of my life. Poking at people to see how much of me they can take.
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  #22  
Old Feb 19, 2016, 09:10 AM
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I thought I was the only one that did that!

"Here's some of my 'nasty-ness...still there? Here's some more! Still there? Let me just show you all of it...oh that scared you away!"

Seems to be the theme of my life. Poking at people to see how much of me they can take.
This is me as well!! Oh god. When I feel that I'm getting closer to someone or have the potential to, I warn them with "You don't want to be friends with me. Trust me. I'll hurt you. I don't want that to happen but it happens everytime."
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Dx: BPD, OCD, GAD, and PTSD traits
Rx: Lamictal 200mg and 0.5mg Ativan as needed



"Now I can see all the colors that you see."
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  #23  
Old Feb 19, 2016, 12:53 PM
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Originally Posted by lostinsidemyself View Post
I thought I was the only one that did that!

"Here's some of my 'nasty-ness...still there? Here's some more! Still there? Let me just show you all of it...oh that scared you away!"

Seems to be the theme of my life. Poking at people to see how much of me they can take.
Oh no, I'm sure a lot of us do it! I'm not so much aggressive to them as I am negative. I tell them all the bad things about me, all the bad things anyone has ever said about me, reassure them that I'll only disappoint/fail/hurt/frustrate/disgust them and that it's better to pass on me....etc. It's our way of heading off the inevitable abandonment and pain at the pass. At least we can be certain of *something*.
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  #24  
Old Feb 19, 2016, 12:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten View Post
This is me as well!! Oh god. When I feel that I'm getting closer to someone or have the potential to, I warn them with "You don't want to be friends with me. Trust me. I'll hurt you. I don't want that to happen but it happens everytime."
For me, people now terrify me so much that I freak out in a store but before my past was all pulled out of me by my therapist, when i was more "sane" I suppose, I still only made friends via co-workers and once i found that person that could look past my issues, I make an awesome friend and do anything for anyone, to my complete determint. BUT, no one is willing to look past my issues, especially now that I have more issues. So i remain single and friendless.

When it comes to guys I totally do that "you dont want to date me because of this, this, and most especially THAT!" Give you a little, then a little more, then more.... Let's just see how much of me you can actually take because once you know everything you will surely hate me, and if not I will frustrate you until you leave because im the 'monster that doesnt deserve to be loved'.

***Sigh***

How do we stop doing that again?
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  #25  
Old Feb 19, 2016, 01:01 PM
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Wow, so much to relate to today. I also think of myself as a monster - some kind of nameless chimera.
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