[kamikazebaby]

I have always had trouble being myself with people. I only appear in pieces. I'm too afraid to show them everything, to give anyone the keys. Any one person the whole picture. It's my guarantee of safety. If they don't know everything, I still have room to dodge when the inevitable betrayal comes. When they try to hurt me. Because they always do. "Love"? What is love? Love is nothing more than a temporary user agreement. I supply what they want, they pretend they accept me and "love" me, that they cherish my existence. That they'll forgive my flaws instead of using them all against me. And I pretend to believe that they won't be the same rotten forsaking liars that all humans are underneath their pretty made-up skin.

I was always afraid of being "trapped" with someone knowing me and having nowhere to go, nothing else to become, nowhere to shift.

There was only one person I ever tried to be all of my true self with. All of what I knew to be me, both the beautiful and the ugly. It was a huge mistake. I don't know what I was thinking. But...that person made me believe.

Anyway. I can't even go past a certain point with my therapists. I can't let go of wanting them to have a certain image of me. I don't want to share my trade secrets, the things that protect me. I don't want to be seen. I just sink back into the shadows and relate through a facade - akin to a facade, but it feels far away from me, like a projected illusion.

What do you want to see?

choose the pieces
choose the pieces
that you can love
i'll frame them up
only display
the two by eights
as i slowly
disintegrate
holding your hands
i won't let go
i will keep us
spinning around;
a galaxy
of pinwheel fire

no one can love
someone like me
all the pieces
i am much too
ugly to see
ugly to touch

these twisted scars
and warped contours
tenderly touch
those who can't feel
that love for me

bare my soul
then reverse
misplaced faith
and then hurt

those silly words
"i will love you
as they could not"
did make me pause
stop to wonder
i should have known

i will pretend
that it was meant
yet won't mistake
the sentiment
for commitment
for devotion
or something like
a vow to stay
by my torn side
nor granting of
acceptance for
pieces unseen

stick to the bright frame
gold foil is the way
to a higher plane
somewhere safe and sane

[Skeezyks]

Nobody knows me at all... _ _ _ _ _ _

[Unrigged64072835]

You can be as much or as little as you want to be here.

[kamikazebaby]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

You can be as much or as little as you want to be here.

Thank you, but it is second-nature for me to err on the side of "little" as I've learned from experience that no one likes me when I am more of myself. That is the "problem". Every time I have ever tried, any pieces ventured forward, I am disliked and rejected. I guess I just wondered if anyone else felt the same way, or just wanted to talk about it somewhere.

[Seraphine]

I very very rarely tell anyone everything. Close ppl get varying parts, often overlapping, but never everything. I've forced myself to tell a couple of ppl, and they haven't abandoned me, which keeps me optimistic to a degree.

[kamikazebaby]

Originally Posted by Seraphine

I very very rarely tell anyone everything. Close ppl get varying parts, often overlapping, but never everything. I've forced myself to tell a couple of ppl, and they haven't abandoned me, which keeps me optimistic to a degree.

You've been fortunate in that way. Hopefully it will continue.

[YMIHere]

So sorry you're feeling so down. Right there beside ya right now.

I find it easier to bare my soul when I'm writing. My husband knows me better than anyone, but we did start via correspondence. I told him some of the hardest things about myself that way. And I asked my therapist for his email so that I could tell him something major that i knew it would be hard to bring up in therapy. Little by little.

Though I will say I have the blessing of not having been burned by a significant other. I'm ALWAYS the one who cut them off, so the never had the chance.

[Seraphine]

Hopefully you find such luck too Kamikaze *hugs* those few ppl, a couple of them have things going on which mean they're not online often to talk lately, which causes the horrible abandonment and separation anxiety feelings, but I understand, and my what if diary has helped with that a stack. But every day I check if they're still there, inc today, and they still are, so I'm happy. Even happier when they do message me, but I'll take a small joy, where before I'd have been freaking out about them not being on in x days.

[kamikazebaby]

Originally Posted by YMIHere

So sorry you're feeling so down. Right there beside ya right now.

I find it easier to bare my soul when I'm writing. My husband knows me better than anyone, but we did start via correspondence. I told him some of the hardest things about myself that way. And I asked my therapist for his email so that I could tell him something major that i knew it would be hard to bring up in therapy. Little by little.

I find it easier to write about serious and emotional subjects, too.

I so envy those who have spouses and partners who seem to accept and love them. At the same time, I am glad that some of us have found that kind of love and acceptance.

Originally Posted by YMIHere

Though I will say I have the blessing of not having been burned by a significant other. I'm ALWAYS the one who cut them off, so the never had the chance.

Thank goodness for that. It's incredibly traumatic when you really trust and love someone and they reject you. My whole world turned inside out and it profoundly affected the way I see many things. I'm still trying to recover and it has been a while now.

[kamikazebaby]

Originally Posted by Seraphine

Hopefully you find such luck too Kamikaze *hugs* those few ppl, a couple of them have things going on which mean they're not online often to talk lately, which causes the horrible abandonment and separation anxiety feelings, but I understand, and my what if diary has helped with that a stack. But every day I check if they're still there, inc today, and they still are, so I'm happy. Even happier when they do message me, but I'll take a small joy, where before I'd have been freaking out about them not being on in x days.

Thank you. I can't say I'm holding my breath at this point in my life anymore, though. I've lost a lot of my hope on that; some days, all of it.

I am better with waiting out people these days myself. I can better tolerate separation from people I like. Sometimes I wonder if part of it is just keeping more distance between myself and others.

[YMIHere]

Well the fact that I ALWAYS broke up with them led me to believe I didn't have abandonment issues and I haven't had it confirmed but the fact that I always made sure to end it - even the good things - leads me to believe I have issues. I had guys that were good to me. The kind of guys who would probably take a bullet for me and I fvcked that up. 3 times. But I am SOOOOOO good at fvcking things up. I should probably shut up now. Too much alcohol.

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[BadWolfC]

I was that way for a very long time. I still am in regards to most people, even close friends. I only tell people what I think they can handle, what I know they will accept. As a result, I lie a lot. People ask too many questions sometimes, and there isn't another way for me to handle it. There are a grand total of 2 people I trust completely, and it took a while to get to that point.

I don't blame you for wanting to hide yourself. Sometimes it's the best way to survive.

[kamikazebaby]

Originally Posted by YMIHere

Well the fact that I ALWAYS broke up with them led me to believe I didn't have abandonment issues and I haven't had it confirmed but the fact that I always made sure to end it - even the good things - leads me to believe I have issues. I had guys that were good to me. The kind of guys who would probably take a bullet for me and I fvcked that up. 3 times. But I am SOOOOOO good at fvcking things up. I should probably shut up now. Too much alcohol.

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There are two ways to deal with fear of abandonment. One is hanging on tightly and trying to prevent it from happening, and the other is leaving the other person preemptively (which sounds like what you tended to do). So it's quite possible.

[kamikazebaby]

Originally Posted by BadWolfC

I was that way for a very long time. I still am in regards to most people, even close friends. I only tell people what I think they can handle, what I know they will accept. As a result, I lie a lot. People ask too many questions sometimes, and there isn't another way for me to handle it. There are a grand total of 2 people I trust completely, and it took a while to get to that point.

I don't blame you for wanting to hide yourself. Sometimes it's the best way to survive.

Yes, exactly - telling people what you know they'll accept. If I eventually think someone can be trusted with more, I'll volunteer more bits and pieces. But that rarely happens anymore, because I don't trust in the appearance of trustworthiness now. Hiding is definitely the best way to survive.

I've learned to be pretty evasive, to omit. But it's unnatural to me.

[YMIHere]

Originally Posted by kamikazebaby

Yes, exactly - telling people what you know they'll accept. If I eventually think someone can be trusted with more, I'll volunteer more bits and pieces. But that rarely happens anymore, because I don't trust in the appearance of trustworthiness now. Hiding is definitely the best way to survive.

I've learned to be pretty evasive, to omit. But it's unnatural to me.

That's what I was going to say. I HATE lying and my memory is **** so I'm usually pretty open. I was always pretty open about the ADHD. I'll joke about it. I don't advertise Bipolar but I'm chummy w/ my supervisor so I told her. She knew I'm on intermittent FMLA but she wouldn't know for what. Not so sure I'd advertise BPD but the friends I'm tight with, it would be no surprise. So them and my sisters. The ONLY thing I conceal is the situation w/ my husband so if anyone asks what's up there, I use the Facebook status of "it's complicated." Lol.

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[kamikazebaby]

Originally Posted by YMIHere

That's what I was going to say. I HATE lying and my memory is **** so I'm usually pretty open. I was always pretty open about the ADHD. I'll joke about it. I don't advertise Bipolar but I'm chummy w/ my supervisor so I told her. She knew I'm on intermittent FMLA but she wouldn't know for what. Not so sure I'd advertise BPD but the friends I'm tight with, it would be no surprise. So them and my sisters. The ONLY thing I conceal is the situation w/ my husband so if anyone asks what's up there, I use the Facebook status of "it's complicated." Lol.

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It's good that you can share that much with those people and that they are, if not supportive, at least not destructive with their knowledge.

I have a friend who is convinced her husband has BPD, and she often makes a lot of negative comments about "BPDs". She seems to think highly of me, so I imagine she'd be quite shocked if I told her I was "one of those BPDs".

[YMIHere]

Originally Posted by kamikazebaby

It's good that you can share that much with those people and that they are, if not supportive, at least not destructive with their knowledge.

I have a friend who is convinced her husband has BPD, and she often makes a lot of negative comments about "BPDs". She seems to think highly of me, so I imagine she'd be quite shocked if I told her I was "one of those BPDs".

I think at least a portion of what makes it easier is that despite my issues - when I don't dwell on them, I think I'm a pretty fabulous person lol.

What I mean is, I don't much care what other people think of me. This is me, take it or leave it.

Now the PROBLEM is when some of these things really OUGHT to be changed, but I don't want to.

Case in point: my performance evaluation was talking about how I need to work on my soft skills - communication etc. I'm very direct. I don't like *****-footing around about trying to figure out the absolute BEST way to say something. So this is something that is working against me, but I'm actually irritated that I'm expected to change this.

But that particular thing has been an issue since I moved to Florida. In NY, nobody ever complained about how direct I was as long as I got shyt done. When I first moved here I was told I need to "throw a little sweetness in my voice" when I answer the phone. They told me it sounds like people are bugging me (they were - phones were not my job).

In NY - XYZ Company, this is Cynthia. How can I help you?

In Florida they expect - Good morning! Thank you for calling XYZ Company, this is Cynthia, how can I help you? And make sure that sounds all sugar and light. BLECCH!

So what it boils down to is I'm good at my job and in MY mind, that should really be enough, but apparently it isn't and that is one of the causes of my strife.

[kamikazebaby]

Originally Posted by YMIHere

I think at least a portion of what makes it easier is that despite my issues - when I don't dwell on them, I think I'm a pretty fabulous person lol.

What I mean is, I don't much care what other people think of me. This is me, take it or leave it.

It's great that you can feel and think that way. It will serve to protect you somewhat. I've been trained to worry about what everyone thinks of me, of what I look like, etc. But I used to think I was pretty great sometimes, even so. These days, I don't think much of myself at all. The people I loved left me for not being how they wanted, not being a perfect provider. I don't like existing. There's no worth in it for me. Everything is so arbitrary.

Originally Posted by YMIHere

Now the PROBLEM is when some of these things really OUGHT to be changed, but I don't want to.

I work/ed my ***** off for people I care about, but it doesn't make a difference, so you're probably better off not exhausting yourself, lol. (Don't listen to me - I'm seriously bitter and jaded at this point.)

Originally Posted by YMIHere

But that particular thing has been an issue since I moved to Florida. In NY, nobody ever complained about how direct I was as long as I got shyt done. When I first moved here I was told I need to "throw a little sweetness in my voice" when I answer the phone. They told me it sounds like people are bugging me (they were - phones were not my job).

I've lived here all my life, and I hate that kind of stuff. Selling my soul, basically, and encouraging a lack of authenticity, but what can we do? That's how the world is. No wants the reality. It's not the commodity in demand.

Originally Posted by YMIHere

In NY - XYZ Company, this is Cynthia. How can I help you?

In Florida they expect - Good morning! Thank you for calling XYZ Company, this is Cynthia, how can I help you? And make sure that sounds all sugar and light. BLECCH!

So what it boils down to is I'm good at my job and in MY mind, that should really be enough, but apparently it isn't and that is one of the causes of my strife.

I've worked at my current place for a while, so I can at least be less un-me with the people I know. I can answer the phone like, "You have needs?" or, "What's up?"

[YMIHere]

Originally Posted by kamikazebaby

I work/ed my ***** off for people I care about, but it doesn't make a difference, so you're probably better off not exhausting yourself, lol. (Don't listen to me - I'm seriously bitter and jaded at this point.)

I've lived here all my life, and I hate that kind of stuff. Selling my soul, basically, and encouraging a lack of authenticity, but what can we do? That's how the world is. No wants the reality. It's not the commodity in demand.

I've worked at my current place for a while, so I can at least be less un-me with the people I know. I can answer the phone like, "You have needs?" or, "What's up?"

I value authenticity. It's why I love Bernie Sanders. Every once in a while someone points out something he's voted on that I'm against but at the same time I've seen him speak on these things against how he voted. Because of the trust I have in him, I trust that he did it for the right reason.

I'm going off track here - thank you ADHD but I just found out he voted FOR a crime bill I'd seen him fight against. It's inexplicable but to my mind it was probably to win favors for vets in another vote or something similar. The way he speaks now he's covering the same issues for 40 years and I like that consistency.

I like being consistent and authentic it's just that apparently others don't value that. I read a rather enlightening article that I still haven't heeded. It was talking about office politics and was speaking to people like us who can't be so bothered. It said something like, "You don't have to play the game, it's your right to sit it out, but just know that it's still being played without you."

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[kamikazebaby]

Yes, you can still be a casualty of the game even if you refuse to play!

I value authenticity, too, but...people don't value it in me. They don't want to see my true face, so I don't show it. If that's the way it is, then it's okay to be indifferent to them or to hate them. The whole thing disgusts me.

[YMIHere]

Originally Posted by kamikazebaby

Yes, you can still be a casualty of the game even if you refuse to play!

I value authenticity, too, but...people don't value it in me. They don't want to see my true face, so I don't show it. If that's the way it is, then it's okay to be indifferent to them or to hate them. The whole thing disgusts me.

I hear that. I feel like the ONLY place I'm not my real self (I'm actually a watered down version ) is at work. Truthfully I don't hide much. My besties know what a train wreck I am. So do my sisters. Hubby's parents don't but they might be able to guess. They don't know me well at all so at a distance I probably look really good.

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[kamikazebaby]

Originally Posted by YMIHere

I hear that. I feel like the ONLY place I'm not my real self (I'm actually a watered down version ) is at work. Truthfully I don't hide much. My besties know what a train wreck I am. So do my sisters. Hubby's parents don't but they might be able to guess. They don't know me well at all so at a distance I probably look really good.

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I'm completely the reverse. Not about being myself at work, but about being myself hardly anywhere or with anyone, and hiding a lot. It sounds nice, though, being able to relax around people. But the only way I can get through every day is by controlling what others see or know of me as much as possible. I don't want those outside people to know about my problems. By "outside people", I mean everyone but the people I choose to allow close.

[YMIHere]

Originally Posted by kamikazebaby

I'm completely the reverse. Not about being myself at work, but about being myself hardly anywhere or with anyone, and hiding a lot. It sounds nice, though, being able to relax around people. But the only way I can get through every day is by controlling what others see or know of me as much as possible. I don't want those outside people to know about my problems. By "outside people", I mean everyone but the people I choose to allow close.

Well the down side is ppl can be shytty. Example: There's one thing I'm sort of choosy about who I share it with but if I spend time with you, it's a part of my life I ultimately spill. First person barely spoke to anyone but me so I know it never left her. Had a coworker who was very good to me - she gave me A LOT of rides home when my cat was broken down for months so I told her and her friend who does my hair. Well another friend at work asked me who I told because, "Mean Girl" just came and asked her if she heard. The friend also does MG's hair but I figure it's one of the 2. Hoping the hairdresser because I never swore her to secrecy, not figuring she's talking to other ppl from my job.

All that being said while it was annoying knowing this b1tch has nothing better to do than talk about me, I really don't give a flying fvck what she thinks.

It's funny because my Little Sis is JUST LIKE ME. So is my best friend. Love me or hate me, it won't make or break me.

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[kamikazebaby]

Originally Posted by YMIHere

Well the down side is ppl can be shytty. Example: There's one thing I'm sort of choosy about who I share it with but if I spend time with you, it's a part of my life I ultimately spill. First person barely spoke to anyone but me so I know it never left her. Had a coworker who was very good to me - she gave me A LOT of rides home when my cat was broken down for months so I told her and her friend who does my hair. Well another friend at work asked me who I told because, "Mean Girl" just came and asked her if she heard. The friend also does MG's hair but I figure it's one of the 2. Hoping the hairdresser because I never swore her to secrecy, not figuring she's talking to other ppl from my job.

Indeed. I think people are ****** most of the time, given the opportunity. That's part of the reason I don't trust people with information about me/my problems. I'm sorry that someone ended up sharing something that she obviously should have kept to herself.

Originally Posted by YMIHere

All that being said while it was annoying knowing this b1tch has nothing better to do than talk about me, I really don't give a flying fvck what she thinks.

It's funny because my Little Sis is JUST LIKE ME. So is my best friend. Love me or hate me, it won't make or break me.

That's a pretty healthy attitude, IMO. It bothers me to be rejected by anyone, even relative strangers or unimportant people (but of course it's a million times worse from anyone I care about). I wish I could just not care, but apparently I'm still struggling with self-validation, self-esteem, etc. My support network is also severely lacking.

[YMIHere]

Originally Posted by kamikazebaby

That's a pretty healthy attitude, IMO. It bothers me to be rejected by anyone, even relative strangers or unimportant people (but of course it's a million times worse from anyone I care about). I wish I could just not care, but apparently I'm still struggling with self-validation, self-esteem, etc. My support network is also severely lacking.

Maybe I'm delusional. I struggle with self esteem A LOT. That tends to revolve a lot around my weight. Also my struggles. I feel like if I didn't have my "issues" I'd be in a much better station in life. But at the same time I like being me sometimes. I think I'm a character. I can be funny, b!tchy and more. Basically it's like this - there's never a dull moment and you'll always know where you stand with me. I can be selfish, arrogant, emotional, hilarious, intelligent etc. but one thing you can also rely on is for me to be REAL.

When I figure out how to bottle it, I'll send some your way. If I run out, my sister is loaded up twice as much as me lol.